"Survival mode is supposed to be a phase that helps save your life. It is not meant to be how you live."
— Michele Rosenthal
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Daryl
IT WAS THE end of our second day of walking. The sun was long gone from the sky. Carol and I sat next to each other on watch. If I leaned back, I could see the embers of the dying fire. It was just enough light that I could make out Kathryn's outline.
I rested my chin against the butt of my bow, and leaned further into the tree. There was so much I wanted to ask Carol...so much I must've missed. I glanced over at her, hoping she would just get the message.
She squirmed under my gaze, and didn't look over at me as she said, "I don't want to talk about it. I can't. I just need to forget it." She then met my gaze.
"All right." Carol had always given me space when needed, and as I looked at her, I saw she needed the same. It didn't ease my worry. Questions still stirred in my mind until I heard movement in the trees. Any train of thought was brutally halted.
I held a hand out to Carol, a signal to stay behind me, and scanned the treeline. There was no movement, no other sound. "It's nothing," I told Carol, half trying to convince myself as well. I turned my head and looked at Kathryn. She was still there. I couldn't go running off into the dark, dawn was way too far out.
Carol and I sat back down in silence, and it stayed that way most of the night. A warmth settled in my chest. I really had missed her.
↣ ↢
I jerked awake when I reached for Kathryn, and my palm landed on empty ground. I sat up and looked around the campsite. Everyone in the group was mosing about their day. Rick was the first to notice my search.
"She went out to hunt," Rick said.
I exhaled, and began collecting our things. Once I had everything, I stood by Rick's side. Lil' Asskicker reached away from him towards me, whining. My arms were full, but I awkwardly slung my bow over the same shoulder as my bag, and held a hand to her. She gripped my index finger and quieted.
Rick smiled. "It takes a village."
"You heading the same way?" Rick nodded, and I could see the unease in his stance. "Today'll be it."
"How do you know?"
I shrugged. "Kath was talking 'bout some... Law of averages shit. We gotta find something eventually. Why not today?"
Rick nodded, and his brows pulled together in thought.
"Which way she go?"
"East," he replied.
"M'kay." I squeezed Judith's hand in goodbye before letting go. "Don't wait up. We'll find y'all."
Judith began whining once more.
"What?" I asked. She stared at me with her doe eyes. "I can't let Kath get all 'em squirrels."
Judith babbled back at me.
My lips almost twitched into a smile, and as I walked away, I said, "Keep 'im in line Lil' Asskicker." Rick's laughter followed me into the treeline.
Following Kathryn's tracks would be an almost impossible task if you didn't know a little about her. She favored her right foot when she walked, so instead of looking for even tracks you had to look ahead a bit. Fill in the blank spaces where her tracks seemed to disappear. If she had seen something to shoot at, there'd be a crescent shape in the dirt where she crouched and leaned into the outside of her feet to keep balance.
After a few crescents, I was sure I must be getting close. The moment the thought entered my mind, Kathryn broke through the treeline a few paces ahead of me. Her chest rose and fell in rapid shallow breaths. "That was you right?" she said, her eyes flickering everywhere. In her left fist, she clutched a bolt.
My heart sped up in my chest. "What was me?"
Kathryn
It was barely dawn when I began to wiggle out from under Daryl's arm. I was almost free when he started to mumble something. I froze my movement and whispered, "Go back to bed."
His breathing immediately deepened once more. As I stood to my full height, I swallowed the laughter that stirred in my throat. Behind me, someone did not do the same. I looked over my shoulder to see Glenn, a huge smile stretched across his face.
I turned back to pick up my crossbow as my lips threatened to turn upwards. I had intended to go out hunting, but the squirrels could wait a moment more. I took up the space to Glenn's left. We sat looking at our spouses sleeping peacefully. My group was in their own bubble, coddled by the early light. I didn't want to leave it for the reality that awaited past the treeline.
I rested my chin on the butt of my bow, summoning the strength to rise, until I felt Glenn's gaze shift over to me.
"Yes?" I asked, not turning my eyes away from Daryl.
"Okay...I'm just gonna ignore how creepy that was."
"Not used to that yet?" I snickered.
Glenn huffed. "Some things you don't ever get used to."
I hummed in agreement and waited for him to speak again.
"Have you and Daryl..."
I straightened now and looked over at him with one eyebrow raised.
His eyes flickered everywhere. "Have you two talked about kids?"
My muscles coiled in on themselves as my stomach plummeted.
"I know you two keep your relationship to yourselves, but you are the only people in the same...relationship place as us so...I had to ask."
I took a deep breath through my nose and pushed through the thick fog forming over my thoughts. "In a way," I replied, surprised by the natural tone of my voice. "I assume this means you two have."
Glenn pushed his dark hair away from his face. "Back in the prison. We wanted to. Really. And then when we were still in the train car, I thought, no. Absolutely no. Then...I almost died at that trough, and all I could think was that Maggie would be alone."
Thoughts stuttered in my mind. I followed them, allowing them to take shape, however blurry. I inhaled sharply through my nose and began, "You were worried about blood, but blood is overrated. Genetics. DNA. I'm guessing all the people who could tell us anything about that shit are long gone. Kids or blood aren't the thing that makes a family. Those are just the perks you get thrown your way sometimes."
Glenn's head fell slowly to one shoulder, his features contorting as he thought through what I said.
I shrugged, my courage becoming insecurity. Who was I to speak about their future? "What I'm trying to say is: If it happens, great. Judith will need friends her own age. But if it doesn't, it doesn't. Our everyday is life or death. Don't make this that... Kids should be happy things."
He now smiled and laughed a little. "Yeah. Happy things."
The heat of embarrassment was now spreading upwards from my chest, so I rose to my feet and stepped away from Glenn. "Besides, Beth could still be out there."
"You think so?"
I walked backwards towards the forest. "We all found each other. Why not her?"
With that, I turned my back on him. My right hand was gripped tightly on the strap of my bow. My left curled into a tight fist, nails lodging themselves in callouses. Was anything I said true? Had I been a raving maniac? Did everyone in the group consider Daryl and I having a child one day? Did that mean they thought of our sex life?
Mortified at the possibility, I plopped down on a rock beside a stream. Bringing my feet up, and curling into myself, I then peered over my knees. My reflection stared back at me from the water. Botched up hair and everything. "You're acting like a sixteen year old girl in those movies you hate," I said aloud. "You are a grown ass woman at the end of the world. You do not care what those people may or may not think about in your relationship."
Heat clawed at my cheeks, betraying my words. I dropped my foot off its resting place, rippling my reflection away for a moment. As it came into view again, I caught a blur of movement behind me. I was on my feet in a second, bow raised and ready.
Adrenaline focused my movements, and I swept through the trees lining the creek in a low crouch. Making unpredictable turns and loops as I went. The hairs on the back of my neck prickled, and I quickly pivoted on my toes, loosing a bolt on instinct. I saw a brown blob fall to the ground behind the trunk of the tree it once sat on.
I rolled my eyes. Great job, Kathryn. You got that very dangerous squirrel before he got you. I pinched the bridge of my nose. I am never talking to Glenn about children ever again. As I walked around the trunk of the tree, the adrenaline that had left my body quickly returned. The squirrel was gone, and in its place, my bolt rested on the grass. I reloaded and looked again among the surrounding trees.
My heart hammered in my chest and my skin was now crawling with shivers. Someone was watching me. This I now knew as fact. Where the fuck were they?
I heard soft steps to my right. Pressing my back against the trunk, I slowly turned my sight in that direction. A familiar shape moved into the light. It was Daryl. I scooped up my bolt and rushed through the foliage into his path. "That was you right?" I asked, stalking up to him.
"What was me?" he asked.
I didn't slow as I came up to him, instead I took a circle around him. His gaze followed me, and the confusion in his eyes did nothing to settle me. "You haven't caught anything," I said, seeing there was no game tied to him anywhere.
Daryl reached out and put a hand on my shoulder, stopping my movement. "Kath, slow down. You don't got nothing either. What have you been tracking?" He gestured to a boot print I must've left when I first saw that movement.
I gnawed on the bottom of my lip for a moment before saying, "Whatever's tracking me."
Daryl's posture instantly straightened and locked. "What?"
So I told him, and by the end of it, he looked just as spooked as I felt.
He swept his gaze around us before dropping his head close to my ear and saying quietly, "Let's get back to the others. Long way 'round. Get what we can on the way."
I nodded in agreement. Daryl lifted his head but hovered close by. His hand came up to rest on my check. I leaned into the warmth for a moment, allowing it to steady me.
Daryl now said in a normal voice, "Asshole don't realize how lucky he is I found you first."
It was now my turn to look up at him in confusion. Daryl started walking, and I followed.
"When you found 'im, ya woulda skinned 'im alive."
A grin made its way onto my face. I understood now. If the trees were still listening, Daryl was trying to deter them. "Maybe just broken a few bones and been on my way. Skinnin' is messy work even for those good with a knife."
Daryl chuckled. "Wicked woman."
a/n
peep the added video to see DC's revamped book trailer.
i wanted to say a big thank you for your patience. The state of the world has my emotional energy so dried up right now. Remember to take care of your physical health just as much as your mental health.
much love <3
p.s. i love writing bumbling embarrassed kath almost as much as badass 'will skin you alive' kath. How about you? :)