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I look at the note and my fist closes crushing the paper, I look up at my girl and see the fear and pain behind her eyes as her cheeks glisten with tears.
"Baby.........everything is gonna be ok." I say shakily.
"I..............hhh........" Her mouth is open but nothing comes out.
I crumple up the paper and throw it on the ground, I place my hands on her face and graze my thumbs over her cheeks.
"Tessa I know you're scared but I swear to you, I will not let anything happen to you."
Her bottom lip trembles.
"How does he know where we live?" She asks.
Fuck.
"I.......I don't know." I answer truthfully.
I can see she's starting to panic.
"Hardin I.........."
"Breathe baby, everything will be fine."
"Hardin he knows where we live.........he's gonna come here.......and I......if he hurts you I won't be able to...."
"Stop Tess......I promise everything will be fine."
She shakes her head, she looks over at the broken glass.
"I'm sorry about the mess." She whispers.
"Don't apologize, it's fine......I'll clean it."
"No, let me."
She tries to stand up but I hold her in place.
"No, just try to relax. I'll clean, you just stay here and take deep breaths."
I stand up and slowly back away, I make sure not to step in the glass. I grab a tissue from the kitchen and walk back over to her, I wipe her cheeks and under her eyes.
"Than.....k y......ou." She mumbles in broken gasps as she's tries to take deep breaths.
I nod my head, I just admire her. I know she's very worked up and upset and I'm beyond furious that her piece of shit rapist ex boyfriend decided to say something........but she just looks so cute with pink cheeks.
In an instant her phone starts to ring in the kitchen, she turns her head.
"It's ok Tess, I'll get it."
I stand up and walk to her phone, it's an unknown number, I answer.
"Hello?" I ask.
"Hi, this is Dr. Lyle at planned parenthood."
The phone nearly falls from my hand and my blood runs cold, I hold my breath and my hands go sweaty. I look at Tessa.
"Excuse me?" I say with a troubled tone.
"I'm sorry do we have the wrong number? Is this Tessa Young's phone? We heard she changed her number and we've been trying to get a hold of her for a few weeks now, she's missed her last birth control vaccination and w........."
Fuck................fuck.
"How............how many weeks?" I ask.
"It says here almost a month, who may I ask am I speaking to?" The doctor asks.
"Her boyfriend, she's unable to get to the phone."
"Oh? Well tell Miss. Young I have her scheduled today at 5 for her vaccination, if she has had un protected sex this past month then there is a high chance of pregnancy. We will run a test when she gets here."
The call ends and I swear my life has just flashed before my eyes, I gently place the phone on the counter and exhale deeply. I slowly walk over to her and sit down next to her on the couch.
"Who was it?" She asks.
I look up at her.
"Har?"
I don't answer her.
"Was it Nick?" Her voice says shakily.
"It was planned Parenthood..........you wanna tell me anything I should know?"
She scoffs.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Your doctor said they've been calling you for a month because you missed your shot, Theresa we haven't been using a condom this whole time. You could be fucking pregnant right now." I stand up and tower over her, she stands up and faces me.
"Hardin are you kidding me! I changed my number so how the hell was I supposed to know they were calling me, and my shot..............I've just been dealing with so much lately and I completely forgot." She covers her face with her hands.
"So this was the plan huh, get pregnant so I'll have to go to Paris with you?" I yell before I can stop myself.
She slowly removes her hands from her face.
"Are you serious Hardin! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT?!"
Her face is all red.
"Tessa I..."
"No.......just no, I can't deal with you and Nick today. I'm gonna have a heart attack and die in a few seconds." She walks away and heads for the bedroom.
"So you're not even a little bit concerned that you have a child growing inside you?" I call across the room.
She turns around and scolds me.
"OF COURSE I AM YOU ASSHOLE! I'm terrified! I'm not ready to be a mother and you sure as hell aren't ready to be a father............but my abuser just threatened to come after me, and my boyfriend..........the man who is supposed to love and protect me........" she sniffles.. " he's more worried about the fact that I missed a shot! Am I'm so scared........" her bottom lip trembled.. " and I'm sorry." She slowly falls to the floor and pulls her knees to her chest.
I climb off the couch and run to her, I drop in my knees in front of her and pull her into my arms.
"I'm sorry Tess.........I'm sorry baby......I'm sorry." I whisper.
I feel her shake in my arms.
"It's gonna be ok.........it's gonna be fine, just breathe." I tell her.
She buries her face in my neck.
"I'm so scared Hardin." She mumbles,
"Look at me baby." I move her face and hold it in my hands forcing her to look at me.
"I will protect you from anything, but we need to go to the doctors.........please." I beg.
She nods her head, I slowly help her to stand.
"I need to change." She says quietly.
She disappears into our bedroom and shuts the door behind herself.
I pull at my roots.
"FUCK!"
I can't be a father, I'm not ready to be a father! My entire life is ruined if she's actually pregnant........and I can't believe I just assumed she was on her birth control, I should have asked........but I just get so caught up in the moment with her. It's the way she fucking takes control of my body.
The door opens and she walks out in sweats and sneakers, I suddenly realize I have to get dressed too. I walk into the room and grab a hoodie and my trainers.
When I walk back into the living room I see her staring at the shattered glass.
"Tess I'll clean it up later, and I promise you're safe with me baby." I try to reassure her.
She doesn't say anything, she grabs her phone and purse before she steps over the glass and opens the front door and walks out.
I sigh before I grab my keys and follow her out.
...
"How do you get there?" I ask her.
"I sent you the address." She whispers.
I watch as she sits with her arms crossed and her body faces the window, she's upset with me.
"Look Tess, I didn't mean what I said."
Her head snaps over.
"What? So you accusing me of trying to trap you into a pregnancy was a what? A joke? You just wanted to embarrass me? Trust me Hardin, I was perfectly fine going to Paris without you."
I feel her tiny hand squeeze my heart, the ache spreads throughout my body as her words effect me in ways that only she can. I know she can't mean that, she's just upset.......that's why she's saying that.....right?
...
The drive is long and awful, and silent.
...
When we get the building I park close to the entrance, she takes off her seatbelt and grabs her purse.
"Do you want me to come inside?" I ask.
She looks at me.
"You don't have too, wouldn't want you to see some you know and get embarrassed." She snaps.
"Tessa cut the shit, we aren't doing this today."
"You're the one who started this Hardin, you did this."
I sigh and rest my head on the steering wheel, I close my eyes.
"I'm not embarrassed Tessa, if you are pregnant............I had part in that so it's my problem too."
"Don't call it a problem Hardin, yeah it's not ideal but if I am.............if I'm pregnant then promise me I don't have to do this alone." She says faintly.
What the fuck!
I look at her in shock.
"Tessa what made you think that I would just leave you?"
She covers her face with her hands.
"I can't do this alone." She mumbles.
"Tessa you're not alone."
"Well it doesn't feel that way." She opens the car door and walks out.
"Jesus fucking christ!" My hands slam the wheel before I take out the keys and run after her.
"Tess........Tessa wait."
She spins around.
"Hardin if you want come inside then come but you better behave." She scolds.
"I'm not a fucking dog, you can't just tell me to sit and behave!"
She rolls her eyes and walks into the office, I follow behind her. She walks up to the desk.
"Hi, uh...Tessa Young." She says faintly.
The nurse points to a hallway.
"Room 2, pee in this cup and put on the gown in the room." The nurse hands Tessa a small sample cup, she quickly takes it and starts walking.
"Wait, sir you can't go with her. Only husbands are allowed." The nurse snaps.
"He is my fiancé." Tessa quickly adds, I look at her funny. I look back and the nurse and looks us both up and down.
"Ok." Is the last thing the nurse says before she goes back to typing in her laptop.
I follow Tessa into the room and close the door behind us, she puts her bag down before she leaves the room with the cup in her hand.
...
While I wait for her I sit down in the chair, god I hope she's not pregnant.
...
Moments later she walks in and slowly shuts the door.
"I gave my cup to the nurse." She whispers.
"Ok."
She slowly starts to take her clothes off and I let my eyes linger on her body longer than I should, I watch as the material slides up her arm and over her shoulder. She spins around, the back of her gown is open and I can see her naked back.
"Can you button my gown for me?" She innocently asks.
I stand up.
"My hands are a bit cold." I gently warn her.
"It's ok."
I reach forward and slowly start to button the gown, once I'm finished I drop my hands to my sides. She slowly turns to face me.
She looks down at her hands.
"If it comes back positive.................I'm sorry." She says faintly, she looks at the floor. I lift her chin so she's facing me.
"You don't have to apologize......it's not your fault." I tell her.
She rests her forehead on my chest, I wrap my arms around her and plant a kiss on her head.
She pulls away and sits on the examination table, I sit in the chair next to her. We both sit in silence while we wait, wait for news that could change our lives forever.
...
The door opens and a male wearing a white lab coat walks in, he's old and wrinkled and weird............I don't like him.
"Hello Miss. Young, nice seeing you again."
Tessa faintly smiles but I know she's uncomfortable, I shift in my seat and sit up tall. The doctor washes his hand before he sits in a chair across from Tessa.
"We'll Miss. Young, even though you missed your shot and have had unprotected sex you are not pregnant."
I exhale and feel a huge relief.
"Thank god." I hear Tessa mumble.
"However, that does raise some concern. I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable but do you remember how many times you had unprotected sex this month?" He asks.
Tessa and I both look at each other.
"Uhh.........I'm not sure I.......I don't really remember. But more than 5 definitely." She says softly.
"Well that makes me more concerned, it might be nothing but because you've had so much unprotected intercourse and haven't gotten pregnant........it could just be really good luck, do you mind if I run a few blood tests?"
Tess looks at me with a worrier look on her face.
"Is she ok?" I ask worriedly.
The doctor looks at me before he looks back at Tessa.
"I'm sure it's nothing, but I just wanna run a few tests to be sure."
I see Tessa picking at her fingers.
"Ok." She says softly.
"Perfect, the nurse will come in shortly to take a few vials. Sit tight." He stands up and leaves, the door shuts behind him.
She looks at me with so much fear.
"Baby........I'm sure everything will be alright." I try to reassure.
She shakes her head, I quickly jump up and walk to her. I wrap my arms around her.
"It will all be fine, he probably just wants to make sure everything is alright."
"What if............what if everything isn't alright?" She whispers faintly.
I don't know what to say, I just run my hand up and down her back.
...
"It's going to be alright." I tell her, she squeezes my hand as the nurse injects the needle. Her eyes screw shut and quiet gasp escapes her lips, my heart breaks for her.
Once the nurse is done she gives Tessa a bandage and leaves the room, Tessa holds her arm and I can see the tears in the corners of her eyes. I pull her into my arms and stroke her head.
...
1 hour later.
...
This is a fucking mess, we've been here forever. Nurses come in and run tests, about a million doctors have felt her up or touched her or......looked inside her. I've had to hold myself back each time someone touched her, I don't know what the fuck is going on but no one is telling us anything.
...
"Something is wrong..........I can feel it." She mumbles.
"Tess we don't know that."
"We've been here for 2 hours, I've been touched and looked at.......and I'm tired and hungry......and scared. I'm so uncomfortable and I'm freezing."
I see the goosebumps on her legs, this gown is made of thin material and completely open in the back.
My baby.
"Here." I take my hoodie off and fix my hair before I hand it to her. "Just slip it over your gown." I tell her.
"What about you? It's freezing in here."
"I'm fine."
I watch as she quickly slips it on, I can see the relief in her face.
"It's so warm." She mumbles. "Thank you."
The door opens and the doctor from before walks in with a dissatisfied look on his face, he closes the door and sits down across Tessa in his chair.
"Dr. Lyle I've been here for nearly 3 hours, can you please tell me what's going on?" Tessa pleads.
"We'll Miss. Young, after hearing about your luck with not getting pregnant and also the lack of you getting a period every month it led me to worry."
"My period? I thought I wasn't getting a period because of my birth control........doesn't the shot stop the period?" She questions.
She shakes his head.
"No, you not getting a period is bad. Have you always had an irregular period?" He ask.
"I guess, it usually comes when it wants, is that not normal? My doctor at home said it was fine." I can sense the concern in her voice.
"No, it's not. And after all this I knew I wanted to run some tests, you're STD free and since you've only ever had one sexual partner in the past few months that means you're both clean and healthy."
"So what's the problem?" She asks impatiently.
The doctor sighs.
"After examining your cervix and getting a second opinion from Dr. Kelly.........we both discovered that your cervix is shorter then it should be, which would make conceiving a child incredibly hard. But I wanted to run a blood test because a short cervix wouldn't affect your period, and that's when I found that you lack a hormone called progesterone. Progesterone is needed to create a healthy environment to fertilize eggs when trying to conceive, because you lack so much of the hormone.........in the future if you want to get pregnant, the chances are slim to none. I'm sorry Miss. Young, but you're infertile."
I watch as her entire world comes crumbling down right in front of her, she brings her hands to her stomach and looks down before she looks back at the doctor. Tears begin to scream down her face.
"I..........I cant have a baby?" Her voice shakes and her bottom lip quivers.
"It's would be impossible, unless you went on treatment. But there are many side affects to progesterone being pumped into the body, since you barely have any your body isn't used to the hormone. It's just not safe, I'm so incredibly sorry Miss. Young."
She looks so broken, so helpless.
"Should...........should I still be on birth control?" She asks.
"I wouldn't recommend it, you don't really need it if you're staying with the same sexual partner. Your chances of getting pregnant are slim to none."
I look back over at my girl and see her whole universe is destroyed, and for some reason so is mine. I know I said no kids.......but that was different. I always thought that eventually in the late.....late future..........we'd have a child, I don't want kids but with her.....it's different.
"Tess." Her name rolls off my tongue.
"Can you go outside so I can change." She says softly but stern at the same time.
"Tess.."
"Hardin just get out!" She closes her eyes and clutches her stomach.
I get up and walk out the door, she closes it behind me and I awkwardly stand in the hallway. I look and see the doctor walking, I run up to him.
"Doctor.......Doctor Lyle!" I call out.
He turns around.
"Is there really nothing we can do? There has to be something?"
He places her hand in my shoulder, I should punch him.
"I'm sorry sir, but there's nothing. Putting her on hormones is just too risky, especially with her family medical history of cancer. I really am sorry, I wish I could be more help but I have another patient to see." He walks away and enters another room and closes the door.
I cover my face with my hands.
"Take me home, please."
I turn and see her standing behind me, she's dressed and her nose and eyes are red. She hands my my hoodies before she walks past me, I stumble to catch my thoughts before I follow her.
...
The drive home is different, is when there's lots of silence between us it's awkward........but now......in this moment of silence so much is being said without words. I just know she's so disappointed with herself even though none of this is her fault, it's the universe.
"Tessa." I'm trying, I want to talk to her. I want her to know that I'm here for her.
"I don't wanna talk about it Hardin, not this time. My whole entire future has just been ripped away from me and I know you probably don't care that I can't have kids, you're probably celebrating because you got what you wanted."
I look over at her and see her sipping her tears.
"Tessa are you fucking kidding me, why must you always assume the worst of me? Haven't I proven myself to you? I feel like time after time you turn on me, what kind of sick bastard celebrates the fact that the love of his life can't have children? That you and I could never have a child together? Who the fuck do you think I am?"
I'm getting so angry but I feel like crying.
"You.............you wanted kids?" Her voice is so small and faint.
I shift in my seat.
"We'll..............I wanted them with you." I say quietly.
"But you......you said you didn't want kids." Her tone is gentle.
Fuck.
"I know.........but that was before, I didn't want kids with anyone else. But when I look into your eyes I see my whole entire life and my future.......I know you wanted kids, so I thought that in the future...........late future we would have one, or two. I don't know, I'm still confused with it all. I had a dream one night where we had a family, I didn't tell you cus I didn't wanna freak you out.......but we looked so happy and when I woke up I.....I saw you asleep in my arms and I just smiled. Because you're everything to me and I want to give you the world, so if you wanted kids then I would give you kids."
She starts sobbing and gasping for air.
"Tessa I didn't mean to make you more upset." I add quickly.
She covers her face with her hands.
"Im..............." she sniffles "I'm........." she gasps "I'm so sorry.............." She sobs "I'm so sorry I ruined your future."
"No........no Tessa you didn't ruin my future, baby don't say that."
She shakes her head.
"I...........I took your future, and I.............we can never have a family because of me."
"Tessa that's not true, Tessa you didn't ruin our future."
"I just wanna go home Hardin, I just want home."
"But.."
"Please, I don't wanna talk about it anymore." She begs.
We need to talk about this, but I don't want to fight. We had such a good day yesterday......why do our lives have to be so hard.
I know I'm an awful person, but Tessa is as good as they come...she doesn't deserve this.
...
She steps over the broken glass and walks to the room, I hear the door shut.
Fantastic.
I lock the front door and toss my keys on the table, I close my eyes for a moment and breathe. I'm gonna have a fucking stroke.
I open my eyes and look at the water and glass all over the floor, I walk to the kitchen and grab paper towels and the broom from the closet. I start sweeping up the glass, I make a pile and carefully clean it up. I mop up the water and vacuum just to make sure I got all the glass, I throw the flowers away and shove the note he wrote to Tessa in my pocket.
I sit in the edge of the couch and close my eyes.