My hand glides across his face in the picture as a small sob leaves me. I let my tears fall in the silence of my room. I wish he was here. I want him back. He can't just leave. It's not fair. But who am I kidding. Life isn't fair.
A knock on the door startled me as I moved quickly to wipe my tears away, throwing the blanket on top of everything laying on the bed to cover them up. I suck in a breath when the door opens, revealing dad. He comes closer, stopping at the end of my bed. Bending over he grabs something off the floor with furrowed brows. It was only then I realized it was my photo. The one I was holding. He looks over the photo, stopping when his eyes land on the little girl. A smile graced his lips as he looked down at her. Turning next his eyes land on the man, his face hardening to turn stone cold. I pull it away from his grasp keeping it face down on my lap not letting him see it.
"What's up?" I clear my throat when it comes out scratchy trying to hide the fact that not so long ago I had been crying.
"I have something to show you. I'll be waiting outside." He gives me a smile as I quietly nod my head. As he heads for the door he stops before stepping out, turning back to look at me once more.
"Bring what's hidden under that blanket." I look at him wide eyed.
"What?"
"Arabella, I was the mafia don not so long ago. I've been raised to see these things." And with that he closed the door before I could even respond. I shake my head, getting up and pacing back and forth. Making my way back to the bed I hesitate to take the items. Why does he want them? I can't lose this stuff.
Letting out another sigh I groan rubbing a hand down my face but nonetheless take the box with the sketchbook. Next thing I knew I had my hand frozen on the handle at the front door. I haven't exactly talked to dad since before everything went downhill when Nicholas came back into the picture.
It's all fucked up. Young girls depend on their fathers for security and emotional support. A father shows his daughter what a good relationship with a man is like. If a father is loving and gentle, his daughter will look for those qualities in men when she's old enough to begin dating. If a father is strong and valiant, she will relate closely to men of the same character.
I have dreamt all my life for a father. To have him tuck me into bed giving me a good night kiss on the forehead. To have him hug me whispering sweet nothings after I wake up from a nightmare. To even have him give me a long speech of why I should have no boys in my life. I wanted it all. No matter how hard uncle Tom tried to fill that void, no one could replace the place in my heart that always belonged to my father.
I shake my head of those thoughts slowly exhaling as I open the door. True to his words papa patiently waited outside his hands in his pockets. Instead of his normal suits he was in simple jeans and a black polo shirt with a coat on top.
Now the only person I haven't seen without a suit is Alejandro.
He sees me standing there and gives me a small smile waving me over to follow him. I silently walk behind him getting into one of the cars. Starting the engine, the air is tense as no one dares utter a word. Not even the radio played, the only sound was the quiet sounds the car would make as we drove. It was a weird feeling to be this tense. Especially with him.
"We're here." His voice isn't as happy as it used to be, it seemed more sad and even defeated. My chest deflated and all I can manage is a small yes. It was only then that I looked up to see where we were. It seemed to be a field that went on for miles. It was a calming and relaxing atmosphere. My line of vision follows dad who had taken a blanket and the car placing it down on the ground.
I sit down a little distance between us as if this moment couldn't get any more awkward. It was as if we were strangers meeting for the first time. I hated it. I hated not having a strong bond with my father. I hated knowing that this distance between us was my fault.
"I'm sorry." I mumble quietly under my breath. Though in the silence of the air he hears me.
"You have nothing to be sorry for." He answers shortly, still not easing the guilt that was consuming me whole. He looks out into the distance at a beautiful sunset in front of us.
"Dad. I really am sorry. For pushing you away. For saying those awful things to you that day after school. For yelling at Alec. For getting scared by my own grandfather. For literally everything." This time I look at him, my eyes showing the guilt that I was feeling which doesn't go unnoticed by him as he sighs and shakes his head.
"I would never hold that against you. I get that you were going through a hard time and probably still are. I didn't care that you did those things. But I wish that you trusted me enough to talk to me about it."
"I'm sorry for that as well." This time he lets out a sad laugh making me frown.
"You're more like your mother than I thought. She always apologized for everything even if she did nothing wrong."
"Can you tell me about her?" My voice was unsure not knowing if I had crossed the line.
"I would love to." He smiles gently. "She was the most beautiful person you would have ever seen. She had stunning honey eyes that would shine in the sun. Hair that was as soft as silk. And a smile that could make the whole world flip. But that wasn't the only thing that I fell for. It was the beauty in her heart. Camilla had a heart of gold. She was kind to everyone. She was the best wife I could have asked for and an amazing mother to our children."
"Still she was a complete badass. If only you see how she did with guns. Her aim was probably even better than mine. The mafia praised her since she was the mafia queen. There was a way she held herself. With confidence that demands respect. She was the woman that to this day I will only ever love." He seemed to be reminiscing in a memory as a smile graces his lips, a small tear falling down but he's quick to wipe it away. He clears his throat, straightening up as if snapping out of a daze.
"I wish I got to know her. I hate that I can't remember. It's just not there. The only thing I remember is that her favorite color is purple. I literally can't remember a single goddamn thing." I groan into my hands.
"Principessa. It's okay. It's not your fault. You can't change the fact that you were taken at such a young age. Your mother would be happy to have your back. And I know she was up there crying for you when she knew what you went through. But she loves the women that you have become. A strong, brave, beautiful, smart, and a badass." We both laugh quietly at the end.
"Now that I've answered your question can I ask one of my own?" I nod my head as the sun starts to fully set the sky becoming darker.
"What is in that box? And why did it make you cry?"
"I didn't cry."
"Arabella. I'm not an idiot. I saw your red eyes. If you really don't want to talk about it, it's fine." I can hear the defeat in his voice.
"Uncle Tom. He was Lilith's husband." I see the way he tenses when I say her name. "I know that you hate her. I do too I guess. But still. It's messed up. I just still see my aunt. The one who cared for me when I was three. Uncle Tom did the same. He didn't know I was taken. He thought that I had a family who could no longer take care of me. So he took care of me. In a way a father would. He never tried to take my father's place knowing that I had another place in my heart for him. He was great, dad. An amazing uncle. I wish you could have met him." I pulled out the photo and handed it to him. "You probably hate him but there's no reason to. Lilith took me and uncle Tom took care of me. He loved me like a niece. It's pretty ironic that he really was my uncle."
Next I take the sketchbook. "He was an artist. He started teaching me at a young age. Even though he only got to teach me up till I was 7, he taught me almost all my art skills. I simply improved on them. Pretty much how I started my business. With my love for art. More specifically designing. I used a few of these sketches as inspiration for my jewelry or clothes." I can practically see the wheels turning his head.
"So you see him as your uncle? Not your dad?"
I wrap my arms around his shoulder before I could stop myself holding onto him tightly. I missed my dad.
He doesn't waste a second hugging me back with the same energy. Pulling away he places a kiss on my head.
"I love you principessa."
"I love you papa."
~~~
After having talked with dad I felt much better. I felt less uptight and more calm. So I decided to actually try today. Starting with my outfit. After showering I chose off black jeans, a black tank top and a cropped leather jacket on top.
It was difficult to wear a tucked in tank top since I was bloated from yesterday but I pushed through ignoring the laughing mirror.
I clip my hair up pulling out a few strands and simply adding mascara and lipgloss before making my way down. I walk to the end of the table mumbling a good morning before kissing papa's cheek taking my seat. Everyone seems surprised by my happy mood but I ignore it.
Taking some cereal I can see people looking at my plate trying to play it off but I just quietly shake my head taking a small amount. I hear a few sighs making my chest tighten and I pour a glass of orange juice to ease their worry.
"We're gonna be late." Xander mutters getting up walking out. I wave at everyone else noticing Elijah wasn't there. Meaning he was in bed. I sigh sadly following Luca who has his around my shoulder guiding me to the car.
Entering school my eyes first train on Dominic who leans on a locker with AirPods in as if blocking out the world. My breath catches itself in my throat as my eyes take his outfit. He wore a navy suit that sinfully stuck to his body like a second skin.
Luckily my brothers weren't here to see me ogling Dominic like a snack.
Or should I say a whole damn meal-
Nope stop. None of that. I groan quietly before silently making my way next to him. I grab one of his AirPods while listening to ''Already Dead" by Juice WORLD.
His closed eyes snap open with cole fury until they land on me. They soften slightly though they stay emotionless.
"Hello babe. Lovely music you got playing here." I smile at him, receiving nothing in response. Again with the ignoring. Just like last time.
"I fucked something up, didn't I?" I groan giving him back his AirPod that he slips back into the case. His blue eyes meet mine, seeming surprised by my words. The bell rings as everyone clears the hallway. I sigh, turning around to walk away.
Though I only make it a few steps before he pulls me back with my arm. I swivel around standing close in front of him. Too close. So I take a step back as he takes one forward. Followed by me taking another back and him getting even closer. This goes on until my back hits the lockers behind me. I gasp when I feel his body pressed against mine. His body radiates heat that spreads through me.
He slams his hands on the locker behind me making me jump as he keeps his hand in tight fists with a clenched jaw his eyes shut closed. He takes a deep breath opening them to look at me. His eyes rake down my body, an involuntary shiver running through my spine.
"You just have to make this so damn hard." He mutters slowly as if trying to control himself.
"What?" I ask breathlessly the closer he presses to me.
"You-" he's cut off when a door slams closed from a distance. I push my way through his body, giving him a nod and quickly walking away. Well that could have been more awkward.
Whatever you need to tell yourself...
Shaking my head I walk in the other direction to my class. As I turn the corner I see someone storming through the hallway. You could sense their anger from feet away. I rush behind them quietly following them until they make it outside. They walk around the school stopping behind the school. I freeze in place, staying hidden at a wall.
They throw a punch at the wall as I flinch at the impact. They continue to punch the wall adding more force each time. I cringe when a sickening crack echoes off the wall. They immediately pull their hand away shaking it off as if they hadn't maybe even broken their hand. They turn around looking up at the sky before their back slides down until they crouched at the wall, their head leaning back.
Now was probably not the best time for my feet to work on their own. As they walk towards the figure. Cold eyes snap to mine anger boiling in them. I bend down to kneel in front of them, my eyes holding the sadness that was kept hidden in theirs behind its anger.
"Xander..." I whisper quietly, my hand reaching forward. Though he pushes my hand away pulling closer to the wall.
"Go away Arabella." His voice is hard as if trying to control himself but I don't pay mine my hands trained on his shaking hands.
"Arabella just fucking go! Go to your damn class and leave me the fuck alone!" He shouts angrily but I stay in place.
He's not okay. He's bleeding. He's angry. And he's only going to get himself even more hurt.
I reach over grabbing his hands as they tremble in mine. He goes tense, his eyes closed before they open again, the same anger swirling in them.
He aggressively pulls them away standing up to walk away. I stumble back, falling back, my forearm scraping the cement pavement. I hiss at the stinging sensation immediately making him freeze. He looks to me in panic seeing the slight blood dripping to the pavement. It was truly nothing but the horrified look on his face could make you think he had just killed me. He takes a few sloppy steps back looking in a daze.
"Xander..." I take a step forward but he takes a few more back and hands in front of him.
"Stop! Stop. Just don't. Leave me alone please." He pushes himself down the wall, his hands in his hair as he keeps his knees to his chest. I'd never seen Xander so scared. But the worst part was that it was as if he was scared of himself.
"Xander." I pause, needing him to listen to me. To his sister. "Xany. It's Arabella or Leia if you want. Just please listen. Okay?" He doesn't respond though he seems calmer when he hears his nickname. I reach my palm over slowly holding it in front of him. "Using my voice I want you to tap the hand that's in front of you however many times I say."
"2." Nothing happens until he slowly raises his hand. Two taps.
"4." Four taps.
"1." One tap.
"3." Three taps.
He relaxes, taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry Arabella. I'm so sorry for hurting you, Leia." The defeat and sadness in his voice broke my heart.
"There's nothing you have to be sorry for. It's just a small cut. Plus it was an accident."
"But it could have been avoided. Avoided my anger getting the better of me." He sighs angrily, pulling at his hair.
"No you couldn't have Xan-"
"I have an IED. Intermittent explosive disorder." I shut my mouth, giving him a nod to continue. "It got bad when you were taken. I was angry at the world and made rash decisions. Now I guess I made the world curse me with this disorder. It's always been bad. With me yelling at dad or just getting mad at Luca when he had done nothing. Dad was the first to see through me. He saw the broken part of me. From there we had talked with the family as I apologized for whatever was wrong with me. I got a therapist- well actually a few therapists, until I met Cheryl. She was the one who made me feel like a normal human being with just a small set back that makes me work harder." He explains looking off to the distance.
"Xander, there's nothing wrong about that. Many people have this and it doesn't change who you are."
"That's what you don't get! It does change who I am! Those fucking medications that I have to take may control me and keep me calm but I'm not the same. I can't feel, Arabella! Do you know what it's like not feeling anything? I don't feel anger. I don't feel sadness. I can't even feel fucking happiness. I feel nothing. Fucking nothing!" He abruptly stands up storming to his car. I try chasing after him but his long legs give him the better advantage. So I did the only thing I knew would stop him.
"Do you have a bandaid at least?" He pauses not looking back as he waves his arm over slowing his steps. I follow behind him reaching his car as he takes his seat on the driver's side with me in the passenger seat.
He opens the side compartment as I hold my hand out. He surprises me as he opens it himself, putting it on my arm. He opens a different compartment that seemed to have trash in it. Gum wrappers, fast food containers and-
Medications?
Quietly I took it out seeing the full bottle but right under it was another and another.
And another.
Xander who had been looking at his phone noticed me frozen in spot glances up, his eyes traveling to the container in my hand. His eyes turn cold, grabbing it out of my hand to dump it back in aggressively, closing it. His hands tighten on the steering wheel.
"Get out Arabella." He says harshly but it doesn't affect me as I keep my arms crossed staying in my seat.
"I'm not leaving until you fully calm down. I'm not letting you do something stupid that could get you hurt."
"Ara-"
"What do you want to talk about?"
"Your as fucking stubborn as she was."
"What?" He sighs, taking a pause.
"Mom. When we were kids and you were taken, I stayed in my room. But she wouldn't let me use all my time up doing nothing and had to literally drag me out and go play with Xavier." He shakes his head quietly chuckling as I giggle aloud before I can stop myself. His eyes move from his hands to me, a gentle smile on his face.
"Ok now the real question I've been dying to know. Why do you call me Leia?" I say excitedly. I noticed he called me that at the mall but I just assumed he said the wrong name. But he keeps on saying it, meaning it wasn't a mistake. He looks at me laughing under his breath.
"When I was younger my favorite movie was Star Wars. And one day when we were watching the movie you said your favorite character was Leia. You would make me skip scenes just to see her scenes. I would get upset about it since I could never watch the full movie but when I saw you get all excited it was all worth it." He seemed to be in his own world staring outside until he grabbed his wallet. Opening it he looks through it grabbing a piece of paper. More specifically a photo. He hands it to me, smiling softly at the photo.
"It was costume themed at this birthday party you were going to and mom dressed you up as Leia. You even had the space buns. It was adorable. Since then I have always called you Leia. And I guess even after you were taken it still stuck." He shrugs looking away. I look down at the photo where a two year old me smiled brightly at the camera.
"I'm guessing, you want to know why I was so mad?" He rubs the back of his neck glancing at me.
"It would be nice to know..."
"He texted me. I don't know how he got my number, but he did. That fucking bastard, Nicholas." He seethes angrily waving his hand down to grip the steering wheel.
"What?" I breathe quietly. He's getting closer and closer so that soon enough he'll be back for me. I don't want to go back. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't.
I don't.
Hands hold mine in theirs pulling me from my mind. "He won't get you Arabella. I could never let him. And there's no way in hell that motherfucker will lay a hand on my sister. I promise."
Promises are the sweetest lies
Authors Note
So y'all probably hate me right now.
But at least I had a della scene! Dominic had realized his feelings but he's not exactly doing anything about it. Some might even think that he's trying to push her away...
Before you hate on him, just know that he went through something that affected his trust for others. You'll find out later on. And as well, he knows Arabella's struggling and doesn't want to push her. Especially since he knows what it's like to be pushed. It ended with him closing himself off completely. Which he doesn't want for her.
I also made a playlist for them! I was bored in class and was having some writers block so I made a playlist that let me write more of their scenes together. It just gave me della vibes. Comment more songs to add!