Song video - "Unwell" by Matchbox Twenty
"I understand your strong desire for a family, Mr. Black, but surely you see the need to exercise some impulse control?" Mitchell Moody was cautioning him and scrawling notes with his quill simultaneously. He always took notes continuously throughout their sessions— seeming to make note of Sirius's every change of expression, tone, and choice of phrase.
Sirius had been bursting at the seams to talk to someone about Colleen, but he wanted to give Remus some space. Sirius knew he'd been a lot to handle in the past few weeks. And Dr. Moody at least got paid for house calls to deal with his manic theatrics.
"Impulse control? What's that? Sounds rather horrid." Sirius leaned back on his sofa with a grin.
Quill still scrawling. "Impulse control is perhaps what you lacked when you asked Professor Aspenfell to marry you after only knowing her for two months. You see that did not end as you had hoped."
"This is different," Sirius replied dismissively. "This is meant to be."
"Obviously you and Professor Aspenfell seem meant to be as well, in a way. She saved your life."
"Okay, then see? My 'impulse' was right." Sirius winked triumphantly.
"The point is, Mr. Black, that something can seem meant to be but not have the outcome that you intend. I'm not advising you to abandon the prospect of Ms. Gilmore altogether, but perhaps you should curtail your expectations."
"But the Amortentia. I'm meant to love her."
"Amortentia only reveals the deepest desire of our hearts. Did you not pay attention in Potions class, Mr. Black? Many people desire and never possess. It's not Divination; there is a clear distinction."
Sirius frowned. He felt a bit rabid as he always did whenever someone defied his instincts with logic. Dr. Moody shared his older brother's commanding presence but tempered it with a sage wisdom rather than Mad-Eye's forceful action. Both men almost always accomplished their goals. Dumbledore evidently had a plan when he chose the doctor to work with Sirius.
"But how would I know I desired her if I never met her and it wasn't pre-destined? I feel like you're ignoring something big here, doctor."
"Mr. Black— how many women on this earth use that particular washing powder for their laundry?Quite a few, I presume, or the manufacturer would not be in business. Likewise the perfume. And coffee? These are not rare items. And they all point to a common factor, in my mind, which is comfort. Something I daresay you've been lacking since you were a boy. It is natural you would gravitate to a beautiful woman who happens to be a nurturing mother. I recall you told me you entertained the notion of children with Professor Aspenfell as well, yes? Tell me— what are your feelings surrounding Harry lately?"
Sirius felt a dark cloud creep in for the first time in the past 24 hours and he wanted to wave it away. The truth was he felt so much anger with Dumbledore regarding Harry that he had promptly banished the thoughts whenever they turned up. Harry was his sacred charge— given to him by his best friend, his chosen family. No one had a right to take that from him, not even the head of the Order.
"I don't want to talk about Harry," Sirius answered grimly.
"Fair enough. Another day then." Dr. Moody put the quill down and folded his hands, leveling his gaze. "But I do want you to think of Harry when you interact with Ms. Gilmore and her son. Think of the boundaries and protection you would want for Harry and allow Ms. Gilmore to maintain the ones she chooses for her own child. It's important you don't transfer the gravity of your feelings for Harry onto a child that is not yours. He deserves space to process his grief for his father and space to just be a child. The boy cannot be a tool for you to right your own perceived wrongs, Sirius."
Sirius nodded. "I understand." He appreciated the warning. Once he'd learned the boy loved magic his heart had soared, even though they'd yet to meet. He'd imagined all the wonders he could show him, watching innocent fascination in a child's eyes. Sirius knew these wild tangents of his imagination were destructive, but they were so beautiful he couldn't resist them. Deep down he was grateful for the clarity and the grounding Dr. Moody was providing, though he would never admit it to Rhiannon or Dumbledore.
The minute the doctor departed, Sirius checked the clock on the wall. Still five hours to go. If Sirius had his way he'd be starting to cook dinner for Colleen right now, not waiting around to talk on a Muggle telephone. He considered surprising her again. Women liked romantic gestures, right? He could stop on the way and buy flowers. He'd noticed her checking him out pretty heavily in the kitchen yesterday— she had to have some level of attraction to him. He could play on that.
Impulse control. Boundaries.
Or he could just make tea and read The Daily Prophet.
More bridge attack coverage. An in-depth profile on Scrimgeour, the new Minister of Magic. Official Hogwarts supply lists for the start of term. And there it was. Page Six.
Wedding at Malfoy Manor.
So she was not only a member of the Order now, but Rhiannon Aspenfell-Snape as well — the "blushing bride" choosing to hyphenate her name to avoid confusion since they were both Hogwarts professors, according to the article. Sirius stared at the photograph. She was beautiful of course — sinfully so. On her husband's arm in a bell-sleeved lace gown of ethereal white, an angel floating within the great dark wing of her husband's power, for better or for worse. She looked happy and in love. They both did, as unreal as it seemed that Sirius could ever see Snape that way. Of course they would have celebrated matrimonial bliss surrounded by Death Eaters, so it was certain their happiness came from within that day rather than without. Sirius assumed Dumbledore would be holding his own celebration at some point, and Sirius was actually glad to be presumed dead by most of the wizarding world, so he would get a pass on attending. Even though he knew they were better off this way, he wasn't sure the blow to his ego would ever really dull.
He cleaned the flat next. It was a fairly small one bedroom and extremely sparse in the furniture department, so it didn't take long, especially with the use of magic. Then he went for a run. Apparently it was a thing Muggles did— just took off running for the fun of it. Sirius found he did rather enjoy it. That filled about a half an hour, then another for a shower. He fixed his dinner— not nearly as delicious as what he had bought to make for them at Colleen's, but it at least gave him some more practice in the kitchen. He found himself missing Buckbeak, the hippogriff who had gone into hiding with him at his various locations the last few years. That's who he would normally talk to when life was boring and lonely like this. But now that he was living in the Muggle world, his friend was living in Hagrid's care at Hogwarts. Everyone had moved on— Rhiannon, Harry, Buckbeak...and Sirius still felt stuck.
7:52. Finally. As the minutes inched closer to 8:00 Sirius couldn't believe he actually felt nervous. Being a charmer came easily to him; it always had. But he had never really felt there was anything at stake until now. He tried to remember Dr. Moody's reminder of all the women out there who could meet the criteria of the Amortentia; logically it didn't have to be this one. But Sirius wanted it to be.
He held his breath in as the phone rang. So far the only real thing Colleen knew about him was that he'd been accused of killing 13 people. What the hell would even make her pick up her phone? But she had promised, and she didn't seem like the type to go back on her word.
"Hello, Sirius Orion Black."
He smiled and laid back on his sofa with relief. That was a nice start. "Hello, beautiful. How was work?"
"Abnormally slow, actually. Which gave me some time to research a certain street massacre from November 1981."
"Ah. Were you satisfied with the results of your efforts?"
"Not really."
"Why's that, love?" Sirius found Muggle phone cords rather useful. Twisting it was a genius outlet for nervous energy. And he had a lot at the moment.
"Never in six years of researching cases have I ever seen such a scant file of information. It's almost like it was plucked out of someone's imagination and planted in a file just to produce a news story. And then the subsequent news release this week— 'new evidence' turned up and now everything is ok? What really happened, Sirius?"
He had been toying with what he would say all day. It had to be the truth. He couldn't lay the foundation for what he wanted for the two of them on top of a lie. But he couldn't tell her about the magical world yet. For one thing, its existence was supposed to be protected from Muggles. Of course there were exceptions for love and marriage, but this was neither, yet. And Sirius knew he wasn't a run-of-the-mill wizard. It wouldn't be a conversation about enchanted brooms and magic wands. It would be about the Order of the Phoenix, Dementors, Azkaban, an evil Dark Lord, and the Boy Who Lived. It would be about a young wizard who ran away from pureblood tyranny in a family who never loved him, learned how to transform himself into a dog, escaped torture and prison, then later escaped death itself with the help of a divine power working through an ex-fiancé now married to his lifelong enemy. Who also happened to be his landlord. Tonight's phone conversation could only be the first of many "big reveals" that would be required for Sirius to have any future with Colleen. He had to plan them wisely. Impulse control.
"My best friend from school and his wife were murdered," Sirius began slowly.
Tell the truth but remove all the magic.
"Their child is my godson. Don't bother researching their death because you won't find anything. The person who killed them is high up— powerful. The kind of person who can make such things go away, at least in most circles. The reason they were murdered is because one of my other friends betrayed them. I went after that traitor seeking revenge; I admit it. I was filled with hurt and anger. My godson was going to have to go through life without his parents, and I without my best friend."
"I confronted the traitor in the street, that day in November that you researched today— but he was ready for me. And ready with a plan to frame me — simultaneously implicating me instead of him in our friends' deaths and ensuring I was sufficiently put away for life for killing twelve innocents as well, plus he himself, who faked his own death and disappeared. I was so gleeful thinking he was dead, that I secured my own fate by laughing — standing there at the crime scene, looking like a madman. I was locked away until I managed to escape three years ago. I was driven to escape once I learned the traitor was actually very much alive and still aiding and abetting that person in power. I stayed in hiding, since I was still implicated in the crime. The new evidence that came to light in the last few weeks is simply those in high places suddenly admitting that something bigger is going on. The corruption runs deep — these aren't the kinds of details you see in the newspapers or the public dockets. And if you do you can't always trust what you see. There are big games being played and many people used as pawns for the greater cause."
Sirius paused for a breath. "And that's what really happened, Colleen Gilmore."
He was met with silence of course. He started wagering with himself on how long before she hung up. He had the phone cord in a fairly decent knot by the time she finally spoke.
"That's really awful, Sirius. I'm sorry. I'm not even sure what to say."
"It's okay, love. I'm just happy you're still talking to me."
"But it's a lot for Ben," she continued. "And me. It's scary, Sirius. Is this like some kind of organized crime, mob thing? How do I know if I get myself into this I don't wake up with some bloody horse head in my bed?"
"I'm sorry?"
"The Godfather, Sirius."
He was truly puzzled but thought he understood the gist of what she was saying. "I would do everything in my power to protect you," Sirius answered honestly. "I can't lie and say it's not a risk. But what's life without a little risk?"
"So how entangled are you in all this now, today?This 'organization' you said you volunteer for— should I assume it's all connected?"
"You're very good at your job, aren't you?" Sirius asked, amused. "You are correct. I'm still active in the fight, as much as I can be."
"So you work for some vigilante group? Taking justice into their own hands?"
"I suppose that's one way of looking at it."
Sirius heard her laugh softly. "Maybe I'll start calling you 'Batman' then, when I'm not calling you 'Sirius Orion Black.'"
"I don't really know what you mean, love, but you can call me whatever you like."
"Seriously? You don't know Batman or The Godfather? Under what rock did you grow up, exactly?"
"A very large and complicated one, darling. I'll tell you about it sometime. That is, if you'll still take a chance on me?"
Colleen sighed into the phone. "Sirius, I'm a mother, and all of this scares me. But...I'm also someone who works on cases every day where the bad guy never gets what he deserves, because of some technicality. Or because he knows the right people. And these are real bad guys— not criminals with complex motivations— but the most basic ones that hurt their own wives and children because they are just fundamentally evil and high on power. I invest so much time and effort, and sometimes it's all for nothing, when I watch a monster still get shared custody or not have to pay his fair share. So I understand where you are coming from and why you'd feel the need to buck the system to make everything better, whatever it is. It doesn't make me any less nervous, but I do understand."
Sirius felt like he'd finally gotten the first glimpse into her heart, and he loved what he saw there.
"Does this mean our four dinners are back on?" he asked hopefully.
"Well, three," she answered lightly. "I cooked one tonight— sorry. I'll owe you pork chops next week."
"Ah, so there's a next week now, too? I'll consider this a victory."
"We'll see. Goodnight, Sirius."
"Sweet dreams, darling. I'll be seeing you tomorrow."
____________
In case you're curious, Sirius's therapist/Mad-Eye's younger brother Dr. Mitchell Moody is a new OC for me, and he'd be played by Liam Neeson. I was getting my Gary Oldman fix watching the Dark Knight trilogy this weekend and remembered how much I used to love Liam as well. So I decided to cast him in my little wizarding saga. Liam Neeson played a Professor character in "The Haunting" that serves as my inspiration for the look of this character. 💙 I think he's a Ravenclaw.