Hello!! It's been a while, huh?
I'm still very busy, so I can't assure that updates will be a regular thing again... but I'm back? Ay?
It's not the longest chapter I've written, and this should've came out a while ago, but I'm still getting back into my writing spirit lol. Also!! This chapter starts of with a few pages of Lando's diary, but it'll turn into a normal chapter after that! So keep reading (unless you don't like it pahahahah)
Anywaays, I hope you enjoy this chapter!! Thanks for supporting me throughout by break and thanks a lot for bearing with me :)
Oh! And I just wanted to say that votes and comments really give me motivation to write more, so thank you for that <3
***Warning: (I'll put another warning in the chapter itself) panic attacks and brief mentions of throwing up***
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18th of December - 2021
Dear diary (should I give you a name? Garry? Stephany? Bob? OMG YES BOB)
It's been a while huh? Let me give you a quick update on whats been going on!
Charles and Pierre are SOOOO close to dating! I'm not even kidding- if Yuki and I hadn't walked in Pierre's room, they would have kissed! Or maybe even more D:
Max and Lewis are getting along again! It took a while.. but with everybody's help, we managed to make it work. They even made dinner together last week OMG (Seb kept an eye on them)
Everything is GREAT at the moment, diary, and I'm really happy. I have to admit that I wasn't happy with my overall performance of this season, especially after Sochi. But hey! That's okay! Stupid Carlos managed to snatch p5 away in the final standings (I'm very proud of him tho, ugh I'm so in love) but I kept Charles behind me so that's a positive :)
I'll try to write some more again now it's winter break! Had a lot of fun writing again!!! Carlos just called that we're gonna watch a movie so that's gonna be fun. Probably gonna sleep anyways lol. MAN, LIFE IS GREAT
BYE BOB! :D
Landooo
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21th of December - 2021
Oh, things are very much NOT GREAT at the moment
Bob, I'm gonna be honest with you and only you. I haven't told anyone - not even Carlos - about this.. so you, Bob, must feel very special... My nightmares are coming back again, worse than ever. Each time it feels like some kind of memory, but the memory has never found a place in my brain.
It's always me, with either family, friends, and also the other drivers. It's 3AM right now and I just woke up, but I don't know if I'm able to fall asleep again. I would usually go to Carlos, but that happens to be just the person in my dream (or better said nightmare)
Carlos and I were having lunch together, at a restaurant in Monaco. We did that the Tuesday we arrived in Monaco for its race weekend, which I could never possibly forget. But Carlos' face turned dark, just like the clouds around us. He leaned forward, his hand coming closer to my face. I would crawl back, but he would reach as far as needed just to get me, before I wake up in a pool of sweat, sore muscles of sweating and shaking.
These stupid nightmares have been haunting me for a while now, and I don't know what to do about them. I don't want to talk about it to Carlos or any of the other drivers. I purely don't want them to worry. It's winter break, all about reducing stress and just enjoying the time off. I don't want to take that time.
Anyways, I think that's enough for today again. My hands are starting to hurt lol
Goodnight Bob,
Lando!
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25th of December - 2021
Merry Christmas Bob-mans!!!
We aren't really celebrating Christmas like last year.. sadly.. I do think some ex-drivers are coming over for dinner tomorrow tho, so that's fun! :)
Gifts weren't really planned this year. Everyone (some more than others) still need to get rid of a lot stress from this season *cough* including me *cough* and didn't find the time to buy presents. That was also partly to blame on the fact that the season ended so late in the year.
Seb couldn't help himself and hung 22 identical bracelets in the tree, also for... him... because Seb thought, and I quote: "you shouldn't leave anyone out". Now, I love Seb, but I'm not celebrating Christmas with a guy that poisoned me :/ He's luckily not celebrating with us (sorry, that sounded so mean) but yea, it feels a bit strangle.
Or I'm just a dick
Goodnight Bobs!!
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31th of December - 2021
Well, I guess that was it for 2021. This year really had its highs and its lows. Even tho there needs to be improvements, I look back at this year with a proud smile. Yes, we've been through a lot of stuff and I've been confronted by unbelievable disappointment, but I won't let that affect all the good and happy things I've got to witness this year.
It's only 1 hour left till 2022 and the other guys are downstairs. We were watching a movie before and I almost fell asleep lol. I think Max is singing right now so I'm gonna check if nothing broke down there lmao. Max's high notes are really something else!
Goodnight Bobbert :)
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2th of January - 2022
Hellooo!!
Today me, Charles and Alex went for a walk in the forest! The sun was shining brightly (but it obviously wasn't warm) and it was just beautiful. We sat at the lake for a bit and just talked- I really love them both so much. I never acknowledge how lucky I am to call them my friends, just like so many other drivers.
Charles told us that he is planning to ask Pierre out soon AAAAA but he doesn't know how and I completely understand because I had that problem too. I ended up crying in Seb and Max's arms and for what? For Carlos to ask me to be his boyfriend -_- I'm joking, I love Carlos so much. It would've probably taken another few months if I would be the one to ask lol
Anyways, back to what I was saying- Alex and I had the idea to take him to Paris or something, like JUST IMAGINE THEM TWO KISSING AT THE EIFFEL TOWER!! Ugh, Carlos better take me there once. Omg what if he'd propose to me there!? Wouldn't that be amazing??? God dammit Bob, now I'm crying. I'm too mentally unstable lately.
Er well, AS I WAS SAYING!!!
Charles is gonna ask Pierre out soon and I honestly can't wait for them to be official. Quite frankly, I am the leader of the Piarles fanclub... they really have to stop bs around and just make it official man *ahem, relatable*
Welp, the others were gonna watch a movie but I've got a bit of a headache so I'm probably gonna sleep.. hopefully Carlos will come cuddle with me later :(
Goodnight!
X Lando
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4th of January
Hey Bob,
I really quickly needed to rant about my nightmares again. Last night I really had a terrific one but I was too tired to talk to someone or write. I'm not gonna forget it in a while anyways so I wouldn't struggle recalling my nightmare (even if I have a very poor memory)
This one involved Max. Max was.. being chased? It was so weird like I, me, Lando was in Max's pov.. I didn't even know that was possible and I have no clue if I should go to Max about it or drop it. It just seemed so weird and unnatural. It wasn't like the usual chase dreams the average person has, but it had so much more meaning behind it?
Because like- when the creature caught up to me, it almost felt like it was protecting.. me? They were talking in the name as Max or Maxy, which we sometimes call him. The creature that followed me- It was a complete blur. It was just all a mystery, honestly, and it hurts my head because I know for a fact that my nightmare(s) mean something, but I can't figure it out.
I was thinking about talking to Max about it. He had or still has these nightmares too.. never mind, that's a bad idea
No one would understand anyways. I'm just a freak and a complete weirdo..
><><><><
Lando's giggles fill the fresh air, bees zooming around as the golden sunshine of the sunrise settles down. The feeling of freedom was so beautiful. Carlos' voice called behind him, making Lando smile like an idiot as he continued to run, escaping from his boyfriend in a game of tag.
The two eventually reached a hill, high grass, covered in colourful flower all across the wide field. Lando came to a stop, wanting to admire the view for now. Carlos' panting got closer behind him, footsteps getting slower. He smiled as Carlos placed his hands on the younger's waist, hugging him from behind shortly.
"It's so beautiful here" Lando muttered, looking at the sight in front of him. Carlos didn't say anything. He just leaned his chin on Lando's shoulder as his hands went up to his back, fingers gazing over his spine. Lando sighed softly in relaxation, the golden sunshine making his skin glow as birds chirp and bees continue to buzz.
Carlos' hands went up to his neck, giving a small massage there. His hands felt warm, gentle and safe. Lando felt his shoulders drop, eyes closing slowly to relax against the touch. A fresh breeze picked up, making Lando slowly blink his eyes open in confusion. The once so golden sky was now starting to get replaced by dark, howling clouds.
Carlos's hands felt cold. Not like they used to be just a second ago. Yet, the hands were still on his neck. The short massage stopped, hands just leaning against the back of his neck. "C-Carlos?" He croaked out, worry rising up in his body as the clouds started to swirl and get darker. He swore he could feel some rain gently dropping on his face.
Carlos' hand sneaked from the back of his neck to the front, crawling upwards to his jaw. Lando frowned in confusion and also a bit of anxiety, feeling his heart beat harder in his throat. Carlos chuckled- no, this wasn't Carlos. This chuckle was low, creepy. It screamed danger to Lando, and Lando knew he was in trouble.
"I'm not Carlos, sweetheart"
*warning: panic attack and not very detailed but still scenes of vomiting/throwing up*
Lando shot up from his position in bed, heavily panting as sweat drops down his forehead. His neck feels sticky and his whole body felt like it was on fire. It only took a few seconds before hot tears streamed down his face, falling onto the heavy blanket covering his lap. What just happened? No- what was his mind telling him? Who was that standing behind him and why did it feel so damn real?
Lando gave it his best to do all the breathing exercises people had thought him, but nothing seemed to work. The Brit felt like he was spinning around, but his body wasn't moving along. Only his head, in a hurricane of dark thoughts and screaming questions that needed to be answered. Lando's only hope was to seek for distraction, so he did and turned his attention to objects in his room.
His attention eventually fell onto his digital clock, where he could see the seconds passing by without success. His chest started to hurt as panic rose in his throat. He needed help. Someone. Anyone. He stepped out of bed, having a hard time keeping his balance as he stumbled up on the hallway. His first thoughts were going to Carlos' room, which was on the other side of the hallway.
He crossed the bathroom, and a sudden wave of nausea hit him, hard. He gripped the wooden door frame and swung himself into the bathroom like his life depended on it. He kneeled in front of the toilet and threw up. It was only a matter of seconds until he was done, before the tears starting rolling down his cheek again. Lando flushed the toilet and got back on his wobbly legs, holding himself up by the sink.
The bathroom made the sounds of his sobs -which he really tried to keep down- even louder. That's why it didn't take long before someone called out his name behind him. Not that Lando realized, though. His mind blocked everything around him off, as his ragged breathing got worse. He gripped the sink with all the energy he could possibly find, knuckles turning white.
The two hands that firmly grabbed his shoulders, trying to shake him into reality, startled Lando so much, that the boy jumped up from the touch and immediately tried to get away. But someone held him too tight for Lando to escape. "It's okay, cariño. It's me, Carlos. Just calm down baby" Carlos muttered, pulling the Brit tightly with his back against his chest, kissing the side of his neck softly.
"I don't believe it! Get away from me!" Lando panted out, trying to get out of the other's grasp. Memories from his nightmare came flooding back in, making this all too unbearable. "You're not Carlos!" Lando said through gritted teeth, more heavy tears rolling down his cheeks. Carlos looked down at his boyfriend with a worried frown, before he looked up to Yuki, who gave him a shrug. The worry was very much visible on his face, too.
Carlos got woken up by knocks at his door, grunting in response to whoever was at his door at 3 in the morning. To his surprise, it was Yuki stumbling (maybe a little clumsily) into his room and muttering an apology before he began to explain. "I heard Lando crying and I think he threw up in the toilet so I went to check up on him but he won't respond and he's shaking so I'm afraid he's in a panic attack and yea- I don't know what to do" Yuki whispered softly, just loud enough for Carlos to hear, but the panic oh so audible.
"No Lando, It's really me" Carlos said, before forcing the Brit in his embrace. He locked him in his arms, tight and secure, not letting go off the trembling boy in his arms. Lando muttered some words, muffled by Carlos' shirt. He was slowly giving up on the fight, realizing it's over. This is indeed Carlos, his best friend, his lover. This wasn't the scary man from his nightmare. Lando felt safe.
"I'm sorry" Lando sobbed into his chest, as Carlos rubbed his thumb in circles on Lando's back. "It's okay Lando, you're okay" Yuki came to stand closer again, laying a hand on Lando's shoulder but staying silent. Honestly, he couldn't really find the words. Yuki just knew that it must hurt Lando to be going through this without being able to do anything against it. Carlos kissed the side of Lando's neck, before wrapping him in a tight embrace again.
Carlos had obviously noticed that Lando has been acting off lately. Bags under his eyes, slumped shoulders, that adorable smile of his barely visible. Even Lando's eyes were just dull. The Spaniard knows he tries to hide it, but he knows Lando all to well to realize something was up. He was stupid to think that Lando would talk about it without Carlos having to push it. He should have known better. Should have been there for Lando. Should have been a better boyfriend.
Yuki didn't really know what to do. He was scared that he would ruin the moment if he spoke up, so he stayed silent and just kept rubbing his thumb in Lando's shoulder. That was, until Carlos turned to him with a smile. "Thank you for calling me, Yuki" Lando turned to the Alpha Tauri driver as well with a weak smile. "Yea, I don't know what would have happened if you didn't hear me"
Yuki smiled, shaking his head. "It's no problem, really. I hope you'll be fine soon, Lando" Carlos smiled, laying a hand on Yuki's shoulder. "You should sleep now, too. You look tired, buddy" Yuki nodded, before he bid the two goodnight with a smile. Carlos quickly cleaned Lando's face off with a cloth after he lifted Lando on the counter sink. He quickly grabbed two new shirts for the both of them and helped Lando get rid of the old one, before they went to Carlos' room.
"Try to sleep for a bit, cariño. You're gonna be fine" but Lando couldn't sleep. Something- a pit in his stomach- told him it wasn't okay to go back to sleep. Didn't he deserve sleep? Was he running away from his nightmares? Or did he just not need it? Oh, he definitely needed sleep. But he just couldn't. He tried to keep the tears from rolling, but after several minutes, a wet spot formed on Carlos' shirt.
"Oh baby, what's going through your mind?" Carlos said, almost sounding desperate. He just wanted Lando to be okay. Carlos ran a hand through Lando's curls as the Brit cuddled closer against him. "I- It's too much.. the nightmares won't leave me alone" Lando whispered. "Does it help to talk about it? Do you want to talk about it?" Carlos asked, feeling his boyfriend tremble. "I-I don't know.."
"What was your nightmare about?" Lando told him that they were running through a field, but the clouds just turned darker and darker, and the bad, nightmare Carlos started to wrap his hands around Lando's neck, before he woke up. Carlos sighed. He felt so bad for Lando. So, so bad. It hurt that he couldn't do anything more than comfort him, hug him, hold him tight.
"Oh my god!" Lando shout whispered.
Suddenly, Lando shot up. He struggles to get out of the bed, what gave Carlos the opportunity to grab his hand and stop his movements. "Lando! Lando, what's wrong cariño?" Carlos asked, frowning deeply as Lando started to shake. "M-my necklace! It's gone!!" Lando called out in pure panic, trying to get out of Carlos' strong grip. "Necklace? What necklace?" Lando looked up at him with teary eyes, before shaking his head.
"Y-you gave it to me- in my- in my nightmare.. remember? That one with the bad weather at Interlagos?" Lando saw the realization on Carlos' face. "That necklace that you magically just got overnight?" Still, to this day, they had no possible answer on how Lando was able to get that necklace. It was a mystery alone. Lando nodded, before he shook himself out of Carlos' grasp and ran to the hallway.
(For those who forgot about that chapter or haven't read it - because it's in the 2020 book - Lando basically has a very bad nightmare and ends up getting a necklace from Carlos, but the necklace somehow makes it into the real world. For those who wanna read it or re-read it: chapter 46 in my 2020 f1 house book! )
"Lando!" Carlos called after him, with no success. The boy already started to look around, desperately falling on his knees to get a closer look at the fluffy carpet. He was never gonna find it again. Lando was so tired. Everything felt like it was going slowly, yet his brain couldn't keep up. His surroundings were fading away, turning into a blurry mess with muffled sounds. He could barely make out Carlos' voice.
Carlos picked him up, holding the poor Mclaren driver in his arms before taking him back to his room, again. Carlos held him in a tight embrace as Lando's sobs continued. As time passed by, his sobs were getting less frequent. The Brit's body felt heavier on top of him and his breathing got slower. Finally, after hours of stress, the boy was slowly but surely falling asleep. Not late after that, Carlos closed his eyes aswell, as the two of them drifted off..
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'Ello loveesss :D
Oh, I've missed y'all so much!! And I'm so, so sorry for leaving all of you amazing people hanging for so long.. but I'm back now! That's a good thing, right?? Right...? Lol
Anyways, let me know what you thought of this chapter!! Sorry this chapter is a little short, but I still hope you enjoyed!! <3 I'm planning on writing a sequel to this chapter soon (although I have a very busy week coming up.. so sorry).
What do you think happened to Lando's necklace? Has he just lost it? Or did something more happen? And did that nightmare have a special meaning???
I love you all so much!!
Xx M🧡