TRIGGER WARNING! This chapter contains eating disorder, and body insecurities.
There was the familiar churning sensation building at the pit of my stomach from the throbbing shaft where my soaking sex was deeply sunk, my body was not easing from trembling with my legs tensing up and toes curling from the seemingly endless of holding back my own highs—afraid that the man underneath my body would edge me more than what I was getting at the moment.
But I could tell how I was making a mess already with my arousal gushing down from my insides down to Kokonoi's thighs, fixing my falling eyes at the men across the table I felt the grip around my waist tightened, and I saw how Ran sent a triumph smile at my direction before he rearranged the cards around his fingers.
"Fuck," groaned Kokonoi piling his cards all together as he adjusted from the table, freeing my waist from his arms he released a sigh.
"I'm so close to spanking you right now y/n," his forehead fell on my shoulder and I tore my attention from Rindo whose eyes rolled at how my lips kept on parting from feeling stuffed.
"Excuse me, what?" I tried looking over my shoulder, "Your pussy keep on clenching and it is distracting my play," he replied with visible annoyance on his tone, "Are you perhaps doing it on purpose?"
I couldn't grasp properly what he was trying to say, and my attention flew at Sanzu who laid his cards on the table, carrying the smile of victory on his lips, and for the nth time my throat went dry.
"Just so one of these assholes can fuck you?" added Kokonoi finally throwing his cards across the table.
"You were the one who brought me into this position, don't even put the blame on me," I growled lowly.
"I have nothing to do with how such a loser you are Kokonoi," I maintained in gritted teeth, feeling the last remaining patience leaving me.
"What did you just say?" He puzzled, probably too surprised at how I told him that, releasing a scoff he grabbed my hair pulling me closer to him and I let him, "You are such a cumdump."
Now he had done it, that literally snapped me from the reality
That seriously was heartwrenching coming from him when he was the sole person who had ever fucked me, only him who I had given my body and soul, did he actually need to call me that?
I could no longer control the rage that was stirring inside me, forget about how needy I was getting for him, forget about any of my denied orgasms, and just forget my freaking feelings for this asshole—I told myself before shoving his hand away from me before immediately getting off from his dick, I was never the kind of guy who was physically tough, but I managed to got away from his forceful grip.
"You know what, I'll just fuck with whoever won among them," my voice was loud enough, lowering my face to fix the mess between my legs.
"You wouldn't mind that, right?" I threw him a glance and his face was nothing but furry, I almost tremble in terror but we were pretty much carrying the same emotions.
He was mad and so I was, closing his pants he shook his head, "Don't you dare."
But I dared anyway, I walked away from him and went straight to the three men who were silently watching us, and without looking back at Kokonoi whose loud growl echoed throughout the whole room—I grabbed whoever's arm I could reach while I was passing by through the chairs.
"Don't try me y/n!"
Oh yeah, enough with his threats he was a complete dickhead, and I was getting fed up with the way how he would badly treat me from time to time. The darkest days of my life was resurfacing inside me, and that was the last thing I wanted, the least I needed.
"Fuck him," I whispered as soon as we arrived at the empty hallways, biting my lower lip I lifted my gaze at the ceilings trying to hold back the tears at bay, and there was a hand extended beyond my shoulder.
My stares fixed at the black handkerchief, I shook my head at him, I was already feeling humiliated and crying in front of him would be too low of me. "Cry all you want."
"I'll just fix myself in the restroom," Rindou gave me a nod shoving the fabric at the back pocket of his pants.
Probably, I was losing my mind when I told him that he should've fucked me the night of my birthday, thinking about it now was making me laugh as tears were getting freed from my eyes.
What was I thinking? That was such a desperate act, regrets were eating me and I could only wish to take back all those whines and plea to the man who had never look at me the way I wanted him to see me.
I couldn't even stand seeing myself through the mirror, feeling ashamed.
As soon as I stepped out of the restroom my brows instantly rose, looking at the male standing at the empty hallways, annoyance surging inside me as I charged past him.
Did Rindou leave already? That asshole!
"I'll drive you home," his hand reached mine, taking a stop in my tracks I glanced at him with a shake of head, I couldn't bear seeing him right now.
"I can go on my own, leave me alone Hajime."
"Why do you need to be so stubborn?" He countered, and the last thing I needed was a longer useless argument with him, yet again. And so I simply gave him what he wanted.
The ride to my apartment was probably the longest and most suffocating one, sitting next to him was something I never expected to be that torturing, the humiliation that was engulfing me and the numbness that got me feeling empty more than ever—it was all clear and intense that I could feel them through my bones.
Kokonoi pulled over across the street where my apartment was located, I reached for my seatbelts and even before I could hopped out he spoke, "We're leaving for a business trip this weekend."
"That's great," was the only words I could give him before completely getting off, I walked inside my place and I was able to hear the roaring sounds of his car leaving, my back ran down against the door with my chests tightening.
I was hoping for him to apologize, I had hoped that he would tell me that he did not mean to treat me the way he was treating me, at the back of my mind and at the deepest depths inside me was the slightest hope that he was going to tell me something that would ease up all the heavyweights that I was feeling.
Hugging my knees and sobbing myself to the extent that my vision was getting blur, for the passing tick of the clock all I did was to curl myself and pleading God to just help me out with the sorrow that I thought had already vanished.
I went inside the bathroom and reminded myself to remove the human sized mirror the next day, staring at my naked body through it was sure tough—seeing myself in another messy state, my mascara was all smudge, I was feeling sore and horrible at the way I looked.
And there I was spending another night screaming and crying over my looks, over the insecurities that my own heart had brought upon myself.
Reaching for my cellphone from the table next to the bathtub I did some few taps until I found the screenshots that were sent on my social media account years ago, the comments that flooded that one picture of mine after my birthday.
"Oh, god! Look at her weight!"
"She ain't that pretty at all lol"
"That explains why no one has been hitting on her lately!"
"But, I think she likes someone, right?"
"Uh-huh, but the guy def doesn't like her lmao."
This was a toxic trait of mine, adding fuel to the fire, rubbing salt to a fresh wound. I should've deleted this screenshots a long time ago, but the words were already deeply etched inside my mind, not like deleting them would make any difference—that was what I would always tell myself for not discarding them.
It was a hard battle between me and myself, I had to endure it all alone because I never wanted to be a burden to other people, I continued living my life feeding people lies that I was all pretty confident on every of my shoots.
I was fooling them and myself, it was a fair play, was it?
The truth was I actually felt throwing up everytime I get to see my face on the mirror, the intense guilt that crept through my entire being from every single spoon of food, I couldn't take it and that was the main reason why I couldn't do my nails most of the time.
I was sure it would be too much for my throat... and pills were too pricey for my liking, sucking a finger down to my throat was the best choice I got, it was free after all.
Not to mention how alcohol intake would help me to throw everything I had eaten during the day, staying up all night overthinking was pretty much helpful for losing weight, what a pathetic.
And the days were rolling with me thinking that those comments were probably true, the first man that I developed such a feelings for never liked me, for I wasn't one worth loving.
I was enduring it all well, I was hanging on and learning to stop giving instant damn with how people criticize me over the internet, until Kokonoi Hajime came back—destroying the high walls that I had built for my own saving, and reminding me of how hideous I was.
This was my fault, I knew that. I was stupid, pure crazy and desperate—a whore, like how Kokonoi told me.
Placing my cellphone back on the table I sucked for some air, there couldn't be more painful than to release a soundless cries, the invisible chains that were restrained around the base of your throat—such an ugly feeling that no person in his right mind would wish for.
The strong desire of validation couldn't be more tormenting than this. I thought slowly submerging my head in the water, with the faint sounds of an incoming call from my cellphone.
Inui Calling...