but you've always been his, haven't you?
If there is one inevitability in life, it is that time goes on.
You, like everyone else under King Yoongi's reign, simply do your best to survive with your head intact. With the ground now mostly frozen over with ice, you have no reason to visit the gardens, and honestly, it becomes less of a loss by the day. You have your hands full with work; the worsening winter always means a higher possibility of catching an illness for the court ladies, and so you are left with little time to think of the king. Willful ignorance is a powerful defense mechanism when even the mere mention of him brings a frown to your lips and a lingering pressure in your chest.
But it is impossible not to think of him today, on the 11th of November. What would have been Queen Jeonghui's birthday, but is instead a day of mourning.
All official business has more or less halted for the day. The entire palace is somber, the occupants moving through familiar routines feeling numb from more than just the cold. You are among their number, having finished all the work that could distract you while the sun set. Now, you wander in the pitch dark, through the open corridor towards your quarters with heaviness in every step.
You miss her laugh. The queen had always treated you like one of her own, asking after your interests, new discoveries, and health even while her own dwindled. You miss hearing the stories of her surprisingly rambunctious life before she came to court. You miss the brightness in her voice when she spoke of the hopes she had for the future of the kingdom, and for her precious Yoongi. You blink away a tear as your journey comes to its end.
In your small but private room, you begin to undo the straps of your hanbok with the relieving sense that this day is almost over. Stripped to your undergarments, you're eager to crawl beneath the warm blankets and let blissful sleep take you into tomorrow as soon as your eyes shut.
Except sleep is not easily persuaded to come tonight, as you soon learn.
Even when you force your body to stay still as long as possible, even when you try to block out all thought and simply imagine blankness before you, you remain no closer to dreams, forcibly stuck in this bleak reality. That's when your exhausted mind begins to wander to places most dangerous, even though you already vowed to stay far, far away.
You wonder whether the king is alone in his grief tonight. Has he eaten properly, or has he completely shut himself away? Does he even have enough heart left to mourn from all you've witnessed these past months?
(This last thought is what makes you ache the most, despite yourself.)
Then a quiet voice mutters your name from outside.
You blink and look up, uncertain whether it was just the wind. Who would it be at this late hour anyway? Who would be so bold as to call your name and not your title? But then the sound comes again, louder this time with some impatience in the syllables, and you realize exactly whose voice it must be.
Scrambling to your feet with the chill of losing the blanket sweeping over you, you have a split second to decide between keeping him waiting and having a proper appearance. You land somewhere in the middle, pulling on a loose, long jeogori that was once your mother's before throwing the door wide open before you can think it through.
Damn all the odds.
It really is him.
In the moonlight, his hair seems almost ethereal with the way most of it cascades loosely around his shoulders. It's fine, pale gold, spilling across the crimson dye of the royal robes that have been left slacker than is normally allowed in public company. There's still a hardness in those midnight eyes, a set obstinacy in lips twisted down for a scowl that seems all too inherent to him now.
"Jeonha," you exhale, more breath than sound.
How are you meant to receive him after all that has happened?
Wordlessly, he moves forward. You flatten yourself against the wall to allow him entry into your tiny home, your world without question, just like you always have. His sleeves brush past you as he walks and the incredibly subtle scent of plum blossoms begins to swirl around the air, so familiar it brings a hot sting to your eyes in an instant.
"Is that—"
"Shut the door." His voice is biting, forcing you to drop the question.
You have little choice in the matter. When you turn back to face him, this room feels about three times smaller with the imposing aura that emanates from him. He has never felt more like a king to you than now, staring at you down his nose like he holds your life in his palm. At this distance, you fear he can hear the palpitations of your treacherous heart.
"Um." You involuntarily wrap your hands around your stomach, trying to calm the jitters. "...How may I help you, jeonha?"
His lips curl in a smirk, but there is no real humor in it. "You must know the only thing a man and woman can do alone at night?"
Surprise is so blatant on your face that it amuses him; the smirk grows wider but remains empty still.
"You— You wish to do that?"
He raises an eyebrow. "Did you or did you not say to come if I had anything I required?"
He remembered. He knew it was you. A part of you thaws, just an inch.
"Still— Must... Must it be tonight?" Of all nights.
"It has to be."
You swallow, dry. All you know of the act are the medical descriptions and consequences of such copulation as written out in your studied texts. To think of such a thing occurring in real life— to even consider it with the king! It was beyond your wildest thoughts, even when you used to let your childhood fantasies soar. But even more ludicrous than that, for him to consider being with you, a mere uinyeo when all the ministers routinely brought their high-born daughters to court in hopes of tempting him... "W-What of the court ladies, the ones waiting to be made concubine...?"
At your last word, he scowls like a bolt of lightning, gone before you can confirm that it was there at all. "I see." He shifts, as if already prepared to leave. "I should have gone to them first."
Your stomach drops.
The prospect of a random woman wrapping herself around him in seduction, holding him closer than he's ever been to you... You wince. The mere thought of how he might fit against her, leave a part of himself inside her body, strikes envy deep into your mind. Especially when you consider all that could follow such an intimate act.
You know it's not your place to be so concerned; it never has been, but damn it. Here he is in front of you, and not them. That has to mean something.
"No!" You blurt out, and watch his face darken with satisfaction. That in itself makes you fiercely aware of how much he has changed but still, you say, "no. Don't... don't go."
In a stroke of boldness, you slip the jacket from your shoulders and let it fall to the floor.
"Good girl."
It all happens so quickly.
Grasping your arm, he brings you to him with one strong tug. Invades your space with his heat. You've never been this physically close before but you are given no time to savor it. Your eyes search his for a hapless second before he forces his gaze away with a light whip of his hair. For a second, you think like he might kiss you, but that particular touch never comes.
"Bed." The air around the word makes it sound like he's rushing as he pulls you both towards the mussed bedspread, but of course it's not that. It's almost laughable, the thought that he would want so badly to claim you as his. It's more likely that he wants any warm body beneath him, and you happened to be the most convenient.
As he pushes you to the floor, as he begins to strip you of your undergarments, your mind struggles to set aside your worries and the rest of the world with it to focus on the feeling of his unobstructed fingers on the skin he reveals with each passing second. For a moment, it works. For a moment, all you know is the heat of his desire as he throws aside most of your coverings, then discards his own as if they were nothing more than cleaning rags. Staring at his bare body for the first time, you take in all the lean muscle that make up his chest, the paleness of his skin that brings to mind the word delicate. It's at complete odds with the ugliness that's surrounded him for so long and really, you don't know what to believe anymore as he rakes his eyes over you too.
You're shivering. Keenly aware of your nakedness, made even more stark when your king practically fixes you to the floor with his presence alone. He must know this is all new to you, that he's the only one able to put you in this position even after everything he's done. But will that afford you the tenderness you so crave? Your pulse thunders in your ears as you await the answer.
"Turn over. On your hands and knees."
Your breath hitches.
He doesn 't even want to look at your face.
You choke back the emotion that yearns to spill over, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of knowing exactly how he affects you when he doesn't allow you the same luxury. You're stronger than this, even though your fears have just been confirmed. That this, his broad hand harshly squeezing your ass, is the only reason he broke through the thick wall of silence between you. That he treats you just like any other woman, not one he's known all his life.
What does it say about you that you're still willing to give him everything?
His other hand trails down your back as if lightly scratching an invisible character there. Then, when he reaches for your sokgot, the last bit of cloth left to you, it truly hits you that there will be no going back from this. Not after he physically carves himself into your memory. It makes you unthinkingly tense up; in turn, the hands against you stutter to a pause.
The silence feels thick, smothering. Then—
"Are you afraid of me?"
"No."
You say it before you can decide whether it's the truth or merely what you wish would be the truth.
"Hm."
He leaves you wondering if that was the answer he wanted and resumes, undoing the ties, pulling away the layer that wants to cling to the slight wetness between your thighs. Evidently not one for wasting time, and why would he linger when he just wants an easy release anyway, he runs the tip of his thumb down your slit before pushing eagerly into your heat. The lewd moan that you emit is a noise you've never made before, and it makes your face burn with shyness.
You've touched yourself like this perhaps three times ever, more out of medical curiosity than anything. You didn't quite see a point in it when it just left you feeling lonely once the high faded. But under your king's control, it feels maddeningly new. Maybe it's because you don't know what he's going to do next, like when he suddenly pushes in a second finger and you feel the spike of pain work its way through your limbs before giving way to the next wave of pressure. It's just almost too much to take, his insistent kneading against your dripping walls.
"Your cunt is so fucking tight. Just for me? Only take my fingers like this?" He feeds you another finger when you nod, huffing a smirk at your whine. The unfamiliar words are as harsh as his hands. You've never heard him like this, so rough and cocksure, practically an utter stranger. But a stranger could never bring out such overwhelming emotions in your chest, your poor, confined heart.
Your legs are soon shaking with the strain of holding up your weight when pleasure and pain war so intensely in your body; but you don't dare collapse in surrender, even though this has always been a losing battle. Not even when he rears back, replacing his cream-slick hand with what you think is the blunt head of his cock. He whets it along your folds and it feels so much thicker, intimidating like the rest of him. But you want it. You realize then just how much you want it, even if this is all you'll have of him when it's over.
He leans over you, hot breath whisking across your back, a palm on your hip. "I'm your first." It sounds like a boast. "No one else."
"No." You shake your head. "No one else."
And he takes his first stroke.
Hisses when he feels you squeeze around him, and you wonder if this is his first time too. Then you have to force yourself to stop thinking about that altogether, afraid that the real answer might hurt more than this: the ache of being spread apart with every brutal, solid inch, filled too quickly by a man who doesn't seem like he could take things slow even if he wanted to. He keeps shoving forward, biting down every surfacing grunt as his nails dig into your waist and it hurts. It hurts so much but you grit your teeth, refusing to back down because you need him to know that you can take this. Even when your mouth feels drier with every yelp, every moan, you tell yourself it'll be easier the next time he wants to have his way with you. Right now, that seems better than not feeling him at all.
"This cunt," he finally growls when he bottoms out, for once sounding so unbridled that goosebumps speed down your weakening arms. But you find yourself liking the sound, craving it even as he pauses to catch his breath.
The first few thrusts are slightly awkward. Just his hips bumping against your ass as he tries to find his footing. It doesn't take long until he picks up a rhythm. Starts to slam into you, jolting you forward. Soreness starts to grow exponentially with a foreign feeling you think might just be pleasure spreading throughout all of you. You concentrate on that in lieu of your knees forced repeatedly against the hardness of the wooden floor, the bedding too thin to provide any real comfort.
"Jeonha," you gasp on a particularly deep thrust, and he seems to like that. Strokes faster in response (or perhaps reward). You don't even register that you're half-smiling when he does, having learned something about him that is privy to only the two of you.
On top of that, he can't seem to stop touching you. It goes beyond the way he fucks into you, more into how he can't stop exploring the expanse of your back with his nails or with his mouth, sucking stinging marks into your body. It's as if he needs to have as much skin contact with you as he will allow himself, needs to feel your warmth just as much as you crave his. Maybe that's just wishful thinking, but you try again with a hoarse, "jeonha." He gives it to you harder, rousing, stoking that dangerous tension.
You don't even notice his mouth beside your ear until— "Mine."
He claims you, and something inside you melts. Not a particularly powerful feeling but a sea change nonetheless, a weak peak that ripples out, thrums through you both. He allows you to submit to the sensation for a few scarce seconds before he tears himself away, leaving you to pulse around nothing, whimpering from the emptiness. You barely recognize the sound of skin on skin friction but suddenly, heat splatters across your back, white painting itself over your skin as he gives one, elongated exhale and it's over.
The king backs up, shifts away. Lets any lingering warmth between you dissipate into the ice air of winter, but this time he holds your gaze with a certain firmness, as if trying to pluck out the slivers of truth in your expression. In his eyes, the thin scar ever carved down the right, you find only more depths. Fathomless, endless depths – dark and painful still.