Warnings: strong language, pregnancy, angst, pregnancy complication talks, fluff, mentions of death and violence, implications of sex, talks of miscarriage
A/N: Chapter update! Slow updates are now going to be expected. I'm sorry if this disappoints anyone...
———
The snow had started falling again by night, slowly and steadily coming down. It was better than the blizzard that had passed, calming your nerves rather than adding to it. The night was dark blue, almost black, without the moon or stars to light it up. The city was just past the trees, lighting up in the distance. The light breeze had you shiver and pull your robe closer.
You didn't know why you were there. The team had had dinner in silence and, compared to what lunch was like, had started to feel the dread of the mission come upon them. You had wanted to say something, anything, to make them feel better, but there was nothing. You would be lying if you didn't feel the same amount of nervousness as them. The sensation had started off at your stomach and ended up in your throat.
"Doll?" Bucky's arms wrapped around your waist, warmth dripping from him. You embraced the warmth, leaning back and resting your head on his shoulder. He leaned down to place a kiss on your head. "Out here to catch a cold?"
"No," you laughed, turning around to face him. The light from the room was low, letting you see Bucky's face perfectly. "I don't know exactly why I'm outside..." you trailed off and started to play with his shirt sleeves.
"I think you do, Y/N," Bucky whispered, drawing out a shaky sigh from you. Tears filled your eyes before you buried your face into his chest. Bucky's arms moved up to wrap around your shoulders as yours went to his chest, hands gripping his shirt. Your first sob made his heart drop and the second made his heart shatter. "Y/N, doll." He tightened his grip on you, feeling your body shake with uncontrollable and choked sobs. You were trying to hold yourself back, Bucky realized with a jolt.
"Baby, you gotta tell me what's wrong," Bucky cooed, trying his best not to feel hurt by your instinct to hide your emotions. When you couldn't stop crying, he said, "Let it out. Tell me when you want, doll."
You sniffled and looked up at him with bloodshot eyes. "Sorry," you mumbled, voice as if it had been sanded down.
"There's nothing to be sorry about, Y/N," he consoled, rubbing your back soothingly. You stayed silent after his comment, staring at his chest for a while.
"We used to play in the snow," you said abruptly, sending him into a puddle of confusion. "He used to love it when it snowed gently like this. He would run out the house before mom called him back in and dressed him up for the weather. He'd drag me out of bed to see the slow snowfall. He loved it." Bucky had caught onto who you were talking about, but stayed quiet, not knowing what to say.
You shrugged and added, "Maybe that's why I'm outside."
"Y/N..." Bucky watched you with heavy eyes, feeling his stomach sink when a stray tear fell from your eye. He quickly brushed it away, snapping you out of your daze. You breathed shaikly, letting out a small huff, your lips forming an 'o'. The two of you stood there in silence, his eyes never leaving your face.
"Let's go to bed," Bucky said when you shivered for the third time. You nodded and grasped his hand to lead him inside. You couldn't see him, but you could feel his gaze on the back of your head.
You pulled off your robe, letting Bucky's hand go as he jumped onto the bed. He leaned on his elbow and placed his hand behind his head, watching you reveal your pajamas—his shirt, two or three sizes too big for you, and sweatpants. It was simple and comfy, but Bucky couldn't take his eyes off of you. You felt the heat rush to your cheeks, the shirt and sweatpants feeling way too hot to be in under his gaze. You climbed onto the bed, very well aware of how Bucky was watching you.
"Can you not?" You whined playfully as you turned around to settle against the headboard. You pouted at him, catching the teasing glint in his eyes.
"Can I not do what, darling?" He bit his lip, looking up at you with innocent eyes, when you huffed and turned over to grab your book. Bucky laid his head in your lap and said, "Read it to me, please." You hummed and started to read the passage.
In just a few minutes, you had started yawning between words, untangling your hands from his hair to place a bookmark between the pages. Bucky easily moved away from your lap to sleep on his pillow, waiting for you to lay your head on his shoulder. You yawned once more before sliding down and snuggling up against Bucky's heated body. He brought his lips to your temple, mumbling a soft 'I love you' against your skin, one that you could feel in your soul.
"I love you more," you whispered, closing your eyes when he let out an 'impossible' and brought his hand to be sprawled on your stomach. He shifted even closer to you, back tightly pressed against his chest, and nuzzled his face into your hair to soothe himself with your fragrance, lulling him to sleep.
———
"Seriously?" You stirred awake to Bucky's anger strained voice, his warmth far gone from your bed—he had been up for a while. "You said tomorrow." He paused while a muffled voice said something. "Stop being a smartass and—" You shifted around, catching the way Bucky stopped talking at your movement. You sat up, looking at Bucky standing in the doorway while a sympathetic Steve stood outside. Bucky looked back at you with tired eyes before he said, "Go to sleep, doll."
"Can't," you answered, voice raspy while your eyes shifted between Bucky and Steve. "Wanna tell me what's so important that had to be shared at—" you glanced at Bucky's phone laying on his pillow, turning it on and off— "four in the morning?" Your hand glided over your stomach when you started to move the blanket off.
"No," Bucky replied without hesitation while Steve cut off after saying, "The mission—"
You scoffed and rolled your eyes at Bucky, shoving the blanket off of you. Bucky huffed out a breath of annoyance, making you glare at him while you walked over to them. Steve was wearing his tactical suit—a black one that you guessed was made for stealth missions—already giving you more than enough to guess what they were talking about. Bucky leaned against the doorframe, his body posture throwing off a sort of defeat.
"When do you have to go?" You asked, not bothering to hear them fill in the details of what you already knew. You were looking straight at Steve, ignoring the way you could feel Bucky's eyes on you. His gaze was almost warming, but you just couldn't look at him—you would break down completely if you did.
"Instead of going at six in the afternoon," Steve started, giving you a soft look, "we're going at six in the morning. Heavy snow and winds start around that time again. According to Stark, at least."
"Oh," was all you said after that, feeling a dread creep up your spine. Bucky's hand came to the small of your back, only for you to turn around and retreat back to your room, his hand falling to his side again.
"Bucky..." Steve trailed off, making eye contact with him, hoping that his eyes spoke more than what he could say. Bucky seemed to notice this and only nodded with a tight-lipped smile, jaw clenched in a bit of self-hatred. Steve walked off, going ahead to Sam's room.
Bucky sighed before walking into the room, eyes trailing to the bathroom door where you had hid yourself. Everytime, Bucky thought with a sad smile, fading away quickly, as his feet led him to the door. He raised his hand, curled into a fist, stopping just an inch away from the wood. He inhaled and exhaled deeply before knocking. He didn't wait for a response, instead barged in knowing that you would never lock the door if he was just outside. His heart clenched when he saw you sitting against the wall, between the shower and toilet, knees brought up to your chest while your forehead laid against them.
"Love," Bucky whispered, crouching down in front of you, sitting cross-legged. His hand came up to touch your arms that were tightly wrapped around your legs, holding them in place. As soon as his hand touched your skin, your arms wrapped around his neck and he snaked his around your waist. Your face nestled into the crook of his neck, every breath grazing his pulse point, while his arms brought you to sit in his lap. He could feel the wetness soak through his shirt, but he couldn't care less about it. He kissed your temple, letting his lips hover there, savouring the moment.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart," he mumbled, rubbing your back when you sniffled. "I wish—I wish that I could just stay so much longer, preferably forever, but—" he let out a humourless chuckle— "we know that Steve would die without me watching his back." You snorted at that, shoulders shaking slightly. The humour only lasted a second, but it was enough for you to look up at him.
"And that you think that doing this would make you less guilty." Bucky's eyes dropped your gaze for a second. You cupped his cheek, swiping your thumb over his cheekbone lightly. "I see it when you come home after a mission, honey. And it breaks my heart. Every. Single. Time."
Bucky leaned down to peck your lips. "I know, doll. I know." One of his hands came up to cup the back of your neck, bringing your forehead to lean against his. "I'm sorry for that. I really am."
"I know," you repeated his words, pulling back a little to gaze into his eyes, "but it doesn't mean you should feel like you need to be the one to make amends." Bucky didn't have a reply to that, so he watched you close your eyes before leaning forward to rest your head on his shoulder, turning so that your breath grazed his neck.
You both sat in silence for a few minutes, savouring the company of each other, before Bucky spoke up. "I, uh, I've been thinking—"
"Oh, really? That's new," you teased, earning a pinch on your hip from him while he grinned at your small yelp. You kissed his cheek, a way to tell him to continue.
"This is the last one." At the small gasp you let out, he let his flesh hand intertwine with yours. "After that, we settle down, maybe rip a page out of Tony's book, and get a cabin close to a lake. Grow older, maybe give the little one a sibling or two or three or four."
You hummed with a chuckle escaping through.
"What?" Bucky asked, grinning.
"Baby fever," you managed to get out before falling into a fit of laughter. Bucky watched with pure adoration.
———
"Uncle Bucky!" You looked up from your book just in time to catch the way Morgan flung herself into Bucky's arms and Bucky lifted her into the air, tossing her in the air a couple of times.
"Hey, M," Bucky said, placing her down on his lap and leaning his head to her level. "How are you?"
"I'm great! I started kindergarten yesterday and I made a friend named Miles—"
"Who is apparently a boy," Tony chimed in, placing her backpack on the couch. You looked up at him, seeing the playful scolding face on him. Morgan shrugged while Bucky played along.
"A boy! No, no, no. You can't have a boy as a friend. They suck."
Morgan huffed and crossed her arms. "But you and daddy are boys too."
"And they suck," you quipped from your spot, winking at her, earning a giggle from Morgan while the men glared at you, "don't they, Morgan?" Morgan nodded vigorously, going along with you, and skipped over to you after squirming out of Bucky's grasp. Tony and Bucky both had shouted 'hey' at the same time, but you and Morgan only laughed at their reactions.
"I'm Morgan," she said, sticking her hand out for you to shake. She reminded you of Tony more and more every second. Her dark hair and dark eyes were an inheritance from Tony, but you were surprised by her antics to mimic her father's. You took her hand happily, giving her your name. "Y/N?" She gasped and looked at Bucky before looking back at you. "You're Uncle Bucky's wife!"
You giggled and nodded. "Who told you about me?"
"Uncle Bucky did," she said before climbing onto the couch to sit next to you. "He talks about you a lot, like daddy talks about mommy." She yawned and snuggled up against you, causing you to sling your arm over her shoulders. Her head was flushed against your hip while her little frame was sitting behind your curled legs. You used your other hand to move the blanket over her as well, smiling when her eyes fluttered close.
"She's been awake for a while now," Pepper's voice made you look up. She looked tired, but still wore a smile for everyone to see. "It's better if she sleeps before she goes to school."
"And she's out," Tony declared, touching Morgan's head from behind the couch. You smiled and let out a sigh when she snuggled closer, trying to find warmth.
Bucky got up from his spot on the armchair in front of you after a glance at the clock, grabbing his leather jacket and slinging it over his shirt. His tactical gear, like the rest of the team, was underneath the layers of regular clothing. He walked over to you, kissing your temple and whispering, "Love you, doll. See you in few." It had been a silent pact between the two of you that any time Bucky left for a mission, you wouldn't say goodbye.
"I love you too, James," you mumbled, turning your head to peck his lips. He leaned down and deepened the kiss before pulling away only to peck your lips twice. "Be back for Christmas."
"Baby, I wouldn't miss it for the world," Bucky replied cheekily, sending you a boyish grin before kissing your hair.
"Bucky?" Steve had walked in with a sleepy Sam trailing behind him. Scott was rubbing his eyes, yawning while he slipped his sweater on. Natasha stood back with a stoic face, leaning against the island. Vision and Wanda had walked to sit on the couch, using it as a silent reminder that they would be staying back. "Time to go." Steve tipped his head towards the back that, no doubt, led to the Quinjets.
Bucky looked at you again, placing a few kisses on your face, before pulling away and holding your hand. "We have something to tell all of you," Bucky announced, clearing his throat to grab everyone's attention. He felt your grip tighten on his hand, causing him to squeeze back comfortingly.
"We should tell them," you said, grabbing his wrist when he made a move to get up. He froze, settling back into the couch with a surprised expression set into his face. Your eyes were searching his face for any sign of disagreement.
"Are you sure?" He asked gently, feeling the small shake in your hand when you nodded. "'Cause it's your call, love. You're the one growing a human in your body and going through that shit." You let out a small sigh-like laugh, glancing down as you rubbed your thumb over Bucky's pulse point.
"I'm sure," you replied after a moment, looking back up at him. "Besides," you shrugged slightly, "the Avengers are your family. They're the only ones you trust and I trust them too. I know how much you love them, even if you say they annoy the shit out of you, so it only makes sense for them to know."
"It's still early, though, no?" Bucky mumbled, looking down at your now intertwined hands. He knew the complications that could occur during the first trimester—he had taken the initiative to read through articles online on pregnancy. He almost told Steve that he wanted to quit, reading through the mentions of miscarriage with stress upon the woman's shoulders. He snapped out of his daze, raising his eyes to meet yours.
"Yeah, but—I mean, Dr. Cho and Dr. Banner are here too," you said slowly, leaning a little closer to him. "They're the best people to make sure I'm doing okay—that we're doing okay. And I, uh, I've been, um..." you trailed off to take a breath, catching the way Bucky stiffened.
"What is it, doll?"
"We don't know if and how the super-soldier serum will affect the baby," you whispered, looking at the blue irises that had filled with guilt as the words fell out of your mouth, "or me."
His jaw clenched and unclenched, wincing when the situation hit him like a tidal wave. He let go of your hands, leaning into the sofa and throwing his head back. His fingers pinched the bridge of his nose, eyes closing and brows furrowing while his head spun with thoughts. His brain was spitting out accusations that he could feel settled deep in the pit of his stomach. Then he heard your voice drag him out of the dark tunnel.
"It's not your fault, you know?" He looked over at you with a skeptical look. "It isn't. You didn't choose to have the serum running through you."
"But I chose to give it to the baby," he snapped at you, getting up and pacing the small lounge area. "I'm the one to pass this on to my kids, our kids. This shit is gonna be in them and just like me, they didn't choose it." He breathed in deeply before saying, "And if it does anything to you... darling, I—I wouldn't be able to choose the baby over you."
You watched him for a few seconds before saying, "I get it." You knew he would have said that, having thought over that detail a few times in the past day or so.
"I mean it."
"You didn't even think about the serum until I said it, Bucky, and there's nothing wrong with that. At all. I don't want them to be burdened with this either, but they'll make that choice when they're older. Old enough to make their own decisions. Maybe—maybe they won't even be affected by the serum." You licked your lips. "Either way, Bucky, we're going to be there for them... right?"
"Right," Bucky answered without skipping a beat, but paused his pacing and nodded. "We'll tell everyone."
"At least smile now," you whined, pouting and getting up to wrap your arms around his neck. His hands instinctively came to your hips and a smile blossomed out on his face. You tipped your head up, an invitation for him to kiss you which he happily obliged to.
"Well," Steve said, a smug look on his face, "don't keep the others waiting."
"What? Wait, he knows?" Sam asked in a betrayed tone, pointing at Steve, his sleepiness disappearing in an instant. "And I don't?" You let out a giggle while Sam scowled at you playfully.
"Actually, you can blame Bucky for that," you quipped, earning a glare from both Bucky and Steve.
"Of course," Sam scoffed, rolling his eyes with a smile on his lips. "But, come on! Don't keep us waiting." He crossed his arms and patiently for you or Bucky to spit out the good news.
"We're expecting a baby," Bucky said when he felt a squeeze on his hand from you—a quiet request for him to say the thing you couldn't. The first reaction you saw was Natasha's sly smile breaking out on her face.
"I knew it," was her only response before she walked over to congratulate you and Bucky with hugs. She had been careful to not disturb Morgan. Sam's face had broken out into a very big grin and a chuckle escaping his mouth as he walked towards Bucky. He placed a hand on his shoulder before pulling him in for a hug, saying his congratulations as he did so. Then he turned to face you, placing a brotherly kiss on your forehead.
"I'm so happy for you guys," Pepper chimed in, hugging you from behind the couch while Tony said, "Congrats, Manchurian Candidate..." Bucky wrinkled his nose at the comment, but settled down when you giggled at Tony's chosen words.
"Manchurian Candidate?" You asked, giggles escaping your lips while Scott congratulated the two of you. "Thank you, Scott."
"Don't start calling me that," Bucky told you with a stern look, but it just made you giggle more. You were trying to stifle the laughter spilling out of your mouth, aware that the sleeping girl next to you would wake up.
"Call him metal arm instead!" Sam called out, stuffing a few snacks into his backpack. "Or cyborg or buckaroo or Barnes and Noble or Starbucks or—"
"I think that's enough, birdbrain," Bucky interrupted when you had started shaking with silent laughter, still trying not to wake Morgan up. He couldn't stop the smile that blossomed onto his face, just before Steve spoke up with guilt and apology laced in his voice.
"We've got to go, team." Your laughter stopped, a pain smile taking over the bright grin you had. Bucky leaned down once to place a loving kiss on your forehead, one that lingered once again. He straightened up and was met with a pair of emerald eyes.
"She's gonna be fine here, Barnes," Natasha said, looking at you with a smile. Bucky swallowed, remembering that Natasha was unable to conceive. "Wanda, Tony, Bruce, and Vision are staying back. They'll be able to take care of her for a few weeks."
"I know," Bucky replied, unable to let your hand go until he felt your hand loosened around his. He heard the soft 'go' from you and he did.
He walked down the hallway, following Steve's lead, not looking back at you because he knew if he did, he wouldn't be able to go. He had never brought you to the Compound for a reason. He didn't think that he would be able to survive leaving knowing that you were just a few feet away. His heart sank as he saw the landing pad, a stealth Quinjet ready to go. He chewed on the inside of his cheek, debating looking through the window, but then remembered that they were tinted black so that no one could see inside. For once he actually thought that not looking at you was for the best.
"She's gonna be fine, Bucky," Steve assured him just as Natasha did a few minutes ago. Bucky nodded curtly, but couldn't ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach. Without another thought, Bucky let his feet carry him to a seat on the Quinjet and his hands automatically buckled him in as Sam called out for take off. He turned his head, hoping to get a glimpse of you, but the Quinjet had closed up and blocked his view.
He blew out a breath and started to prepare for the worst. He went through all of the things that could go wrong and came up with counters to every detail.
It was Hydra afterall.