☆
CLARA HAD LONG BID PENNY GOODBYE. She'd managed to bring Cannon out for a quick ride around the outskirts of Small Heath. She had missed her horse dearly, and taking him out sent streams of bliss through her veins. She had not seen her brother and May at the Yard, but Curly had told her they had come and gone earlier.
It was dark now, the lampposts emitting soft hues of orange and yellow as the Shelby girl made her way down the streets. She was no longer afraid to walk home as she had been years ago. She walked the streets confidently, like a man or a woman who knew her worth. Her gun had been tucked safely into her jacket, her peaky hat covering both her hair and ears.
She entered number six with a shuddered breath, rubbing her hands together and blowing on them to try to muster up any heat. Clara dumped her jacket onto the coat rack, making her way towards the cupboard and dumping cereal into a bowl. The house was empty. It usually was these days. The girl enjoyed the quiet, basking in the bliss of it all.
The girl hoisted herself up onto the counter, crossing her legs as she dug into her cereal. Her eyes fought to stay open as she spooned a heaped spoon of food into her mouth. Clara leaned back against the cabinets, her fingers brushing against her lips, which were pulling into a soft smile at the remembrance of Penny's lips touching hers.
"Pol would kill you if she saw you up there,"
Clara's lifted her head, coming eye to eye with her older brother as he leaned against the doorframe. She shifted uncomfortably, her eyes darting between him and her half-eaten bowl of cereal.
"Well...Pol's not bloody here," she mumbled, spooning more cereal into her mouth, her eyes on the bowl rather than her brother. Silence fell upon the two as the grand clock ticked, leaving an eerie, uncomfortable feeling to instil.
"May I?" Tommy gestured to the chair in front of her. Clara shrugged, hunching her shoulders as her eyes remained on her bowl. Her older brother cleared his throat, placing his jacket on the back of his seat as he sunk into the wooden seat.
Clara slowly chewed her food, internally cringing at the sound of crunching filling the sound of silence. She wasn't going to speak first. She wouldn't let herself. The girl swallowed her food, placing her bowl off to the side as Tommy lit a cigarette. Clara gripped her hands together, twiddling her thumbs.
"Were you in the Yard earlier?" Tommy suddenly asked, tapping the ash from his cigarette as he leaned back in his seat. Clara looked up, her sharp eyes narrowing.
"Why?" She rebutted.
Tommy shrugged, raining a brow as he took a drag of his cigarette. "No reason..." he sighed, "Thought I heard you with Cannon."
Clara bit her lip, "And..? I'm always with Cannon." She scoffed, jumping off the counter. She shoved her bowl into the sink and walked past Tommy before she was stopped by a hand around her wrist.
"Sit," Tommy instructed, pulling her back and pointing to the seat across from him.
"And if I say no?"
"Sit."
Clara rolled her eyes and sunk into the wooden seat opposite her brother, her eyes looking everywhere but him. She pulled the cuffs of her jumper over her hands, her fists curling beneath the fabric as she folded her arms.
"I gave the Clarke's the money," Tommy briefly stated, stubbing out his cigarette. "Tripled, as you said."
"Wow...you finally followed through, I'm so proud," Clara tiredly sneered.
"Clara—"
"What? Can't handle a conversation?" Clara retorted, "Wouldn't be a first..."
"Are you really that mad at me?" Tommy half-heartedly chuckled, shaking his head.
"I look at you, and I don't see my brother..." It was now Clara's turn to laugh. "I don't see the man who raised me or taught me to ride horses." She raised her head, a spiteful smirk plastered across her face. "I look at you and I see a man whose only goal is power, despite ruining everyone and everything in his path."
Tommy nodded, his face now flat as he stubbed out his cigarette. "Today you may not understand, but one day you will." He spoke.
"Well can you give me a definite time?" Clara remarked, "—because the way it's going, I don't see that happening."
"Are you incapable of having a normal conversation?" Tommy asked, tilting his head in observation. "Every time we talk it always ends in an argument."
"And whose fault is that?"
"I don't want to argue with you...not tonight." Tommy scrunched his nose as he leaned back further into his seat.
"Why? Did you have a nice, fun day out with May Carlton?" Clara was in no mood for niceties.
"No, she took my horse, then she left."
"And what did you end up calling 'your' horse?"
Tommy let out a small sigh, deflecting her question. "I had another call from your Headmaster this afternoon, he wanted to know whether he can cross you off their list of attendees." He told her.
"And what did you tell him?" Her heart was beating quite fast now. She wanted out of that school, but not before she completed her time there.
"That you'll be back in the building on Monday and that you were sick these past few days," Tommy explained. "I still stand by my words, you are going to finish school, you'll probably be the only person in this family to do so."
"Finn's set on dropping out already," Clara remarked.
"Finn can't read, so I'm not surprised."
"I tried to teach him, he just wouldn't listen."
"Sounds like someone else I know," Tommy raised an eyebrow at the girl.
There was silence and Tommy almost pulled out his pocket watch to countdown the seconds until Clara would explode.
"Why did you bloody employ Will?" Clara burst, she couldn't hold it back. "You know how much he means to me, and surely one person being arrested would be good enough. Why him?"
Tommy nodded as if he'd been expecting this. "He begged me for the job, said he needed it, badly." He let out a small sigh. "He told me about his other job, said he'd do anything, as long as he got paid."
"That's not fucking good enough," Clara spat, "You could've given him any other job and don't lie and say you couldn't have."
"He came for the interview for the task at hand, not 'any other job'."
Clara looked down, "He's just a boy," she muttered.
"He's seventeen, Clara," Tommy interrupted, "Sooner or later you'll have to realise that you're getting older, as is everyone around you. You are not a child anymore, neither is Finn, neither is Will. That's how the world works."
"Do you think I don't bloody know that?!"
"No, I don't think you do," Tommy leaned forward, "Look at me," Clara raised her head. "I know I may treat you like you're still a child sometimes, but you're not one. You're growing up, Clara, you now have more responsibilities and god knows, you're becoming smarter than the majority of the Shelby's."
"Including you?" Clara suggested her face straight as Tommy chuckled.
"Not quite yet...but you could be if you attended school like you're supposed to."
"It's a thick school,"
"You will still attend until your education is complete."
"Fine, I'll go back on Monday, I just..." She thought of telling him about her clouded mind and how messed up she'd felt, however, she gulped and shook her head. "Uh...never mind."
Tommy raised a brow but didn't say anything and so they fell back into their silence which seemed to be a little less uncomfortable than before.
"School on Monday. If I have to walk you to make sure you go, I will." Tommy spoke, lighting another cigarette, offering one to his sister causing her to shake her head. "Deal?"
"I don't need you to walk me, I'll go." Clara answered, "But you're gonna give me your cigarettes."
"Clara," Tommy warned.
"What? Your cigarettes and in exchange, I'll go to school." She tried again, "Pretty easy deal on your half, I could throw a strop or smash up half this kitchen, curse you 'til kingdom come. I think my demands are easily met."
Tommy shook his head with a small, barely noticeable smile. "Fine," he tossed the girl his half-empty packet of cigarettes. She turned them over in her hands, mentally celebrating that he'd been smoking his more expensive pack today, for his little business endeavour, she assumed.
"Fine," she nodded, placing the packet in her pocket with a smug smile. "Monday it is." Tommy stuck out his hand and the girl shook it.
"Right, go on," Tommy gestured his head to the stairs. "It's late." Clara nodded and stood from her seat. "And Clara?"
The girl turned around with folded arms, as he brother leaned back in his seat.
"Grace's secret...that's what the horse is called."
☆
CLARA HAD RETURNED TO SCHOOL without complaint as promised, however, she had completely undermined was the amount of work she had missed and had to catch up on for the exams looming on the horizon. The girl sat in number six, hunched over a school assignment, her fingers covered in smudged ink. Around her, both pages and books were scattered across the table, her mind reeling as she tried to scribble down words faster than her brain could comprehend.
Her eyes flickered from her book to her piece of paper to her fountain pen which was scrawling words across the surface. Her nose scrunched as she wrote, her mind focused on her work. The noise from the betting den was faint but there, yet she pushed past it. She couldn't go anywhere else to study unless she wanted to trek all the way to Polly's on the outskirts of Birmingham.
Clara let out a deep breath, her head was pounding. She pressed a hand to her forehead as she continued to scribble. Her eyes scanned her book before returning to her page. The girl had pushed away all distractions, leaving her novels upstairs and the cereal tucked back into cabinets to avoid temptation. She hadn't moved from her position in hours, her back and hand aching with any sort of movement.
Suddenly, the green double doors from behind her swung open as John, Arthur and Tommy all strolled in, talking amongst themselves. The girl ignored their presence and their greetings as John and Arthur began to push and shove each other around the kitchen, laughing loudly and swearing.
Book, page, write.
Clara mentally chanted the three words as she tried to remain focused. She had to finish this work.
Book, page, write.
"Oi, Clara!" John boomed.
Book, page, write. She would not be the one to flunk out of school.
"Whatcha doin'?"
Book, page, write.
An abrupt shove of her shoulder sent her pen scrawling across the entirety of the page, sending ink splattering over the majority of words she'd previously written. Clara gritted her teeth, her anger bubbling over. She looked up with an infuriated glare, angrily flinging her pen across the kitchen. Her brothers froze, as she threaded a hand through her hair in frustration.
"Would you all just SHUT UP!" She burst, slamming her hands onto the table. Out of the corner of her eyes, she could see Arthur and John trying to stifle their laughter.
"Woah, what's got you in a twist?" John snorted as he chomped into a sandwich. His crumbs dropped all over her work. Clara was shaking in anger, her eyes squeezed shut as she tried to contain herself. The unknown feeling in her stomach was slowly unravelling, bringing around bouts of nausea and dizziness.
Breathe.
She needed to breathe.
The walls suddenly felt much closer than they seemed. The girl could hear the buzzing of her three brothers' voices as they watched Clara's chest rise and fall rapidly her eyes darting around the room as one of her hands pulled at her shirt collar, yanking it away from her skin. Her vision swam in front of her, the inked words on the paper ahead, jumping out as if taunting and teasing her. Their taunts rose in volume, each word letting out jeering screams.
The girl pushed back her chair, the wooden legs scraping against the floor. Her wide eyes were wild and unbecoming. She could feel her brothers looking over her, their fingers snapping in front of her face. She looked like a fool. Clara jumped to her feet, shoving away an outstretched hand. She stumbled towards the coat rack, her head spinning. Her hands gripped the material of her coat, her chest heaving as the girl attempted to take shuddered breaths in.
She desperately pulled on the jacket. A hand clamped onto her shoulder, trying to stop her but she hit it away, frantically shaking her head, shoving past her brothers gathered. Clara swung open the door and without closing it, she ran. The girl stumbled every so often, her legs carrying wherever she desired. She could not think. By running, her body forced her lungs to take the heavy intakes of air it craved.
Her blood pumped through her body, pounding in her ears, allowing her to focus on its beating and only its beating. With every crunch of her feet hitting the ground, Clara's shaking eased off, yet her head still drummed at an uncomfortable rate. She pressed her hands to her head, pulling into the nearest alley. She slipped down the wall, curling her knees to her constricting chest, her breaths short and laboured as she gripped her hair.
It wouldn't stop.
It usually stopped.
Clara clenched her teeth, her tears edging the brim of her eyes as she tried to hold them back. She hadn't looked to where she was running. All she knew is that this alleyway was nowhere near her home, she didn't have to be aware of her surroundings to tell you that. She had fate in her legs, letting them guide her wherever.
The girl remained in her hunched position, yearning for the panic to ease. A figure appeared out of the corner of her eye, Clara could see that much. The figure approached her, crouching down in front of her, their voice breaking through the ringing in her ears. A hand was placed on her shoulder and all of a sudden she was back in Small Heath, back on the dirty streets in a dirty alleyway with Penny Crawford kneeling in front of her.
Clara's chest collapsed in relief, her tears finally falling as her ears stopped ringing and her vision unblurred. She choked on her breath as she rapidly sucked in air. Her hands gripped Penny's as the blonde merely sat back on her heels in shock.
"I..." Clara withdrew her hands and scrubbed her blotchy face.
"It's alright, hey, it's alright," Penny reassured, pulling the girl's hands away from her face. "Here," she helped the Shelby girl stand. "We're gonna get out of this alleyway, yeah? How does the park sound?"
Clara didn't respond. She gulped, her hands resting in Penny's as the blonde searched her for any sign of reluctance. Penny looked around worriedly, before linking her arm through Clara's with a soft squeeze.
☆
"CLARA?" PENNY'S FINGERS DANCED across the back of Clara's hand, her eyebrows knitted together in worry. The Shelby girl had seemed to have regained a clear mind and was now lying beside the blonde in the grass of Adderly Park. Children's laughter rang out, as they pranced around the grass. Some of the young girl's were twirling a long rope, letting people jump in and out, their mothers watching from the comfort of wooden benches nearby.
"Mhm..." Clara looked up from where she had threaded her hand through the grass beneath her.
"What was that?"
Silence fell over the two. The Shelby girl dropped the grass in her hand, glancing towards Penny who was propped up on her elbows, watching the girl anxiously.
"I...uh, I don't know," Clara breathed out, fiddling with the beds of her fingernails.
"You don't know? Penny asked in disbelief, as the Shelby girl averted her gaze. Clara shook her head, her tongue pushing against her cheek as she pulled at the tufts of grass around her. "Clara—"
"Penny, I don't know." Clara snapped tiredly, she pinched the bridge of her nose. "Can't we just leave it at that?"
"I'm worried about you," Penny whispered, a bit taken aback at the girl's bluntness.
"Don't be," Clara shrugged, "I'm fine."
"Clara..."
"Can we just talk about something else?"
"You're not fine!" Penny voice was soft and pleading, her hands reaching out to try to take Clara's. The Shelby girl moved them slightly, letting the blonde's hands drop. "Please talk to me."
"I am talking to you," Clara mumbled.
"No, not this kind of talk..."
"Then what kind of talk, Pen?"
Penny was silent. "I don't like this, Clara," her voice was pleading, "I want you to talk to me...properly. You should trust me by now."
"And I do...but there's nothing wrong with me." Clara sniffed. "Can't you just drop it?!"
"No! I've never seen you like that...it's like you weren't even there!" Penny burst, "And from the looks of it, that's not the first time that's happened!"
"Christ, Penny! I don't want to talk about it!" Clara rebutted, pushing herself up out of the grass. "What can't you comprehend?!"
"I'm trying to help you!" Penny was now standing.
"Yeah, well, I don't need help!"
"Why? Because you're some big strong Shelby?!"
"No! Because there's nothing wrong with me! I'm not some nutcase you can try crack!"
"I never said you were a nutcase!"
"You're bloody making it sound like I'm one!" Clara scoffed, folding her arms. "Forget it, I'm leaving."
"You always do this!" Penny cried out, her hands bunching her blue dress. "You always run away at the first sign of trouble! I can't even have a serious conversation with you!"
Clara squeezed her eyes shut, running a hand over her face. "Has it ever occurred to you, that you might be the one chance I have to escape everything? So, no, I don't like having serious conversations with you—" she rambled.
"Is that all I am to you?! An escape?" Penny sniffed. She looked rather taken aback.
"You're the one thing that takes me away from this shit. I'd call that an escape." Clara huffed, "You're the one person that can make any of this okay! I'm not going to sit down and dish out all of the shit going on in my life and serve it on a plate just to dampen moods!"
"It wouldn't dampen the mood, not if I want to hear it!"
"Well, what if I don't want to tell it?" Clara questioned, stepping closer to the blonde. "What if I can't tell it, because I don't know what it is? Eh? What if I can't describe what happens or what brings it on? What if I just don't wish to share it? I don't have to tell you everything, Penny!"
"Why not?" Penny now had solid tears trickling down her face, "Is it so bad, that you can't even bear to look at me?" Clara looked towards the blonde expectedly. "You're supposed to be able to share what you feel with your loved ones."
Clara froze in her spot. It felt as if her legs had been cemented to the ground.
"And when you love someone you're not meant to let them suffer, at least not alone." It was now Penny's turn to look down. After all, that was the first time she'd ever professed the words her heart yearned to share. "And Clara, I do...love you, I mean."
Clara stood silently, her chest shuddering as she took in staggered breaths. Love. What a complex thing. Far too complex for the girl to understand. As she stood her heart raced, like a runaway train, going faster and faster, gaining more speed by the second. Her lips were parted as if trying to speak, however, no words came.
"Say something, say anything." Penny practically begged, her tear-filled eyes wide and fearful as the girl stood still.
Clara's heart was now beating so fast it hurt. She could feel Penny's hand on her cheek as if trying to coax the words from her. Upon the lingering silence, Penny's hand dropped to her side with a small whimper.
"I see," Penny whispered, stepping away from Clara.
"Penny–" Clara choked out, frustration seeping through her veins.
"No...don't bother." The blonde girl sniffled, stepping back even further. "I should go."
"Penny..." Clara watched as the girl ran out of the park, her blue dress disappearing out of sight. The Shelby girl let out a breath, her chest collapsing as she fell back into the grass, wincing she unclenched her fists, coming face to face with the deep, crimson, moon-shaped cuts on her palms.
"Fuck," Clara cursed lowly, tearing the end of her shirt and wrapping her around the cuts on her right hand and then repeating the process with her left hand. Her mind was reeling. She let Penny go. She shouldn't have, but she did.
Love...
It was foreign, an unknown territory waiting to be explored, but Clara wasn't an explorer. She didn't know love, not like this. She knew familial love. But this... this talk of love, it was like a red hot iron poker stabbing her in the soul. She didn't know. She didn't know what to say or feel. What was she supposed to feel?
Frustration surged up inside of her as Clara gripped her hair, dropping her head between her bent knees. She was angry at herself, but she was also angry at Penny, an emotion which she'd rarely felt towards the girl.
Why now?
Of all times...why bloody now?
☆
HELLO MY BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL READERS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
IF YOU WANT TO READ SOME SHELBY CHRISTMAS ANGST, I POSTED A CHRISTMAS ONESHOT IN MY NEW BOOK 'SNAP OUT OF IT'!
To those of you who may not be able to see your loved ones this Christmas, I send my love and hugs, also my pms are open if anyone needs to talk at all over the holidays!
Also, this chapter is very angsty and it made me sad to write. If you're mad that Clara didn't say I love you back, I need you to understand that the two of them are young and Clara is having a really bad time at the moment.
Anyways, I LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH AND I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK <3
(weekly meme)