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"You've never even heard one song off of Nightmare? We had radio play, dude! Not to suck myself off or anything but--"
"But you're kind of a big deal?" Arden mocked. It was the next day, and she and Brian had met in the studio to discuss her producing Avenged Sevenfold's next album. Deja vu. All, fucking, over again. "I think I heard Bat Country, once in a record store. Never heard anything else." The irony. Oh, the IRONY. It's not like she could rattle off their self titled album front to back in her sleep or anything. Why did she dig herself into the hole of pretending like her, someone so prominent in the music scene, had never heard of Avenged Sevenfold!? This was just about hell.
Brian laughed. "Okay, can I at least show you a song off it? I'm actually so ridiculously proud of this record." And I know Jim is too, Arden thought. "We typically self produce but we all kind of needed the added push, you know?"
"Sure. Go ahead."
He handed her a pair of headphones from beside them and smiled at her. "This is called Buried Alive. It's my absolute favorite song on the record." She listened through the entire song, most of which with her eyes shut, and could practically hear Jim's influence. She tried really desperately not to cry, but she had always been horrible at controlling those kinds of emotions, and she couldn't stop tears from spilling.
"Fuck dude," Was all she could say. "Far better than Bat Country in a record store."
Brian laughed. "That's all? Should I be insulted?"
"Not at all. Just need to uh," She grabbed one of the Monster Energys' in from of them and chugged some. "It's early in the morning and good music moves me." And it was true. It was why once they were separated the first time, she threw herself into music. Songs made her feel the same sense of vividity she felt as a child. But this song was just different. "It's really upfront and the lyrics are just... It's pretty safe to say I'm speechless. This is a great fucking song. You've definitely proven to be someone I want to collaborate with and I'm gonna have a hard time waiting to listen to this album until I get home.
Brian had a hard time wiping the smile off of his face. "Thanks, Arden." He said semi quietly. She smiled warmly back at him. "You want to get coffee or something?"
☼
When Arden was alone it was easier to pretend she could slink into her future in this timeline like a chameleon. Going for coffee and pretending she 100% was who she said she was made her feel normal. Heading there side by side with Brian took away any normalcy it could've brought her.
It was a chilly day and Arden pulled her blazer around herself tighter. She had never exactly been one to dress overly formal--it was just their first meeting that made her whip out the fancy shit. "If I'd known we would walk for coffee I wouldn't've worn heels." She peeled them off and held them in her left hand, Brian walking to her right. "I'm thanking god right now the cement is dry."
"It's the afternoon on a weekday and you're holding your heels." He gave her a joking look. "You're a mess, hon."
"Oh if you only knew." She smiled tightly.
"I like how little you seem to care about other people. When I first got on your ass at the bar you didn't let me win. It's like people are so sensitive with me now that they always let me throw a fit. I felt like a toddler getting a yelling at, and all you had done was dish my shit back at me."
"I learned over the years that caring what people think of you doesn't really get you far in this industry." That was also a truth. The assholes in The Used (yes, she will ALWAYS remember them as shitstains) did their best to make her feel like an incompetent stupid female and she grew a backbone really quick. "Not everyone is as kind as you guys."
"I guess that's a big downfall for me. I'm only good at acting like I don't care."
She begrudgingly got her heels back on once they were outside the coffeeshop, and then ordered. After getting their orders, they sat at a window seat and Brian pulled out his notebook. He slid some ideas for the way he imagined they'd flesh out their next album over to her, and she chugged half her hot coffee.
She yelped, internally thanking everything out there that this place had shittily heated drinks. "Oh fuck!" She shouted, her mouth burning as Brian looked confusedly in concern.
"Jesus, Arden, here!" He gave her his iced coffee, and she pounded some of it back, stealing some ice cubes to hold in her mouth. "What in fuck is the matter with you?"
It wasn't a bad burn, but that shit still fucking hurt. And remembering the time Jim did it only made her want to cry. "Sorry, I usually get iced, my head isn't totally screwed on right now."
"You're fine," He put the lid back on his coffee and took it back. "Just a little concerned. You're a pretty weird chick."
"You're a pretty weird guy." She retorted, pushing away her own coffee gently.
"Why don't I get us some pastries or something like that from upfront? Help your burn and all."
"If pastries helped burns I think hospitals would be bakeries." She said.
"And does that not sound dope as fuck? Hospitals smell like shit. You know what doesn't smell like shit? Fried dough."
She smiled at the small talk and jokes. She forgot how nice it was to talk about nothing. In fact for someone with a burning throat, she had a huge smile before she saw Mandy walk in. Brian had just gotten up when Arden grabbed his hand. Did he get new tattoos? Why is his hand sweaty? All questions she was too freaked out to answer. The bubbling up, wanting to cry feeling was back, which wasn't aided by Brian looking confused at the sudden touch. "Can you not leave right now?"
He smiled slightly, still confused. "I'm not leaving."
"No, I mean, uh, not going up front?"
He turned to look and spotted the girl from the other day. "Isn't that...?"
"Anya." She nodded quickly, looking away.
Brian paused before sitting back down. "What happened between you two? From what I remember about New Years she was having a huge, uh, thing, and you comforted her."
"Best friends. For years. She's... Was, like a sister to me. There wasn't much we didn't trust each other with. She got me through so much shit, you don't even know. We aren't okay right now. I really don't think we'll ever be okay again."
"That's bullshit. Life's too short."
"You didn't see the look she gave me. I've never seen her wear that face." Once again she almost let herself forget she was talking to a Brian that had only met her over New Years.
"What happened between you two?"
"It's sort of personal." She looked over when Mandy's back was turned and saw her darker complexion and dark hair and how weirdly and unlike Mandy she was dressed.
"Maybe it's because I lost my best friend but I'd hate to think anything like that is permanent. You should really settle it." He started. "It could just be because she looks like my sister."
Don't get involved Arden, Don't get involved Arden, Mandy said she would make hell break loose if Arden got involved--
"How does she look like your sister?" Fuck.
"Okay. Think distantly Native American. We got that from a far off grandmother I guess. We resemble each other. I just look at her, and I see an aged-up version of what my sister looked like when she ran away. It's pretty stupid. I pushed out the thought as soon as I had it the day y'all slept over, when she first ran away I used to do that with everybody."
Arden took a deep breath knowing she was about to make a mistake. "I can give you her number and you could try and run some tests? She's stubborn and wants nothing to do with me or the other guys right now, but maybe if you turn out to be her brother, she would want something to do with you."
"Wait really? You don't just think I'm bat-fuck crazy?" He asked.
"Not at all." She shook her head. He smiled at her.
She looked over and watched a hollow ghost that was once Mandy leaving the coffee shop. And a little chunk of her soul went out the door with her.
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"Dad?" Arden laid once again on her stupid fucking empty bed after calling her father. She had changed into a gigantic light pink sweater and some gray-toned plaid PJ pants, and wanted nothing more than to hear David's voice.
"What's up hon, it's a little late over here." She instantly remembered the east-to-west-coast barrier she was typically conscientious of. She could tell her dad just woke up three hours ahead of her to her call.
"Oh geez, I'm sorry. The time zones, it slipped me." She looked up at her ceiling. No glow-in-the-dark stars. Just white ceiling tile. She felt her back crack on her mattress as she sprawled out on it, and felt tears crease the sides of her face to her ears. "I just miss you. I want to be a kid again and come home to chocolate cake on my bad days." She made herself laugh for him because she knew his super sonic dad powers knew she was crying. "Why didn't you just have kids?"
David laughed back at the random question. Her mind clung to her fathers words over the phone as she closed her eyes. "Remember my wife? Theresa?" Theresa had died in a bad accident years before Arden had ever even been born. She had only heard stories of David's wife. "She couldn't have kids. Endo blahblahblah. She adored children. She was actually the reason I filed to start fostering kids. We only had one I think before you came along and I had to send 'em back into the system when she died."
"Why didn't you remarry?" She knew the answers to the questions, she had asked them before, she just needed the comfort.
"You know."
"I know."
David took a breath. "Theresa was my best friend. High school sweetheart. Married young, we were only 19. She was it for me. It would've felt like replacing her. I thought I'd be better off bringing children the compassion she taught me."
"I miss you dad."
"I miss you too, kid. Come visit sometime."
"Remember those guys who you found in my room when I was 16 and threatened with a gun?"
"Uhhhh, well now I remember. Jesus, what barrel in yer' mind are you scraping tonight Ellie?"
"One died. His name was Jim. I found out the other day." She sniffed. She thought it could justify the crying. "We were close friends. Him and Mandy were close."
"Who's Mandy?"
She paused. "Anya."
"Ahhhh. I'm sorry kid. You know I'm always here, whenever you need me."
"I know dad. But tonight I just needed to hear your voice. Thanks for picking up. I love you."
"I love you too. Sleep tight tonight."
She hung up and promptly lost her shit sobbing.