My biggest enemy is the voice inside of my head.
The bitter voice filled with bile and hatred.
The voice that tells me I'm not good enough.
The voice that destroyed my self-esteem and self-confidence.
The voice that created all my insecurities.
The voice that over the past few years has been killing me slowly.
It was my voice, my own voice inside my head all this time.
I was my worst enemy but now I’ll become my best friend.
A best friend that I will take on the world with, conquer all my fears with and become our own saving grace.
I would be my own super woman.
How foolish I was before to put such a great responsibility in the hands of another human being. It was a task that only I could complete.
I’ve never been more ready in my entire life. No longer will I be robbed of my own happiness by my own demons.
There comes a point in your life where you have to put your foot down, stand firm and say no more.
No more will I cry myself to sleep at night.
No more will I make anyone make me feel as if I am not good enough.
No more will I let others break me.
No more bullshit.
I know I said time for a change a few weeks ago and then I ended up right back where I started but that was different I was taking a wrong approach. I was trying to be somebody that I wasn’t.
You should never do that, never try to be somebody that you’re not. Who was I kidding? I couldn’t even harm a fly if I wanted to yet I was trying to be a “bad ass”. I guess I was just angry and that was my outlet of my anger.
Well anyway I’ve decided that the first step is to get closure. If I’m gonna start fresh I need to tie up loose strings. I need to receive answers to the questions that kept me up many nights.
So my journey starts here. It starts with the boy who caused my walls to come crashing down (but only because I let him).
You can do this. I encourage myself mentally. You are strong, you can do this! And so without hesitation I walk quickly towards the park before I can change my mind and turn back.
Before long I spot him sitting on a bench. His short hair sways a little as the cool breeze blows around him. The branches rattle and a few leaves escape falling gracefully to the grass where they join the other fallen leaves.
His turns his head in my direction and smiles at me. A real smile that reaches up to his eyes and melts my heart. He waves at me, gesturing for me to join him on the bench and I take one last deep breath to calm my anxiety before making my way over there.
"For a second I thought you bailed on me" he chuckles shaking his head as if he can't believe that I'm actually there.
As if any moment I'll vanish from before him. Smiling back at him to assure him that I'm here for real I take a seat on the bench leaving a good amount of distance between us.
I'd rather not stare at his beautiful face as he talks; I might do something stupid like reach out and run my fingers along his perfectly shaped jaw or push a few of his hair strands that have escaped back in place. Plus I’d rather if he didn't see me cry while he talks.
I know I'm going to cry, there is no doubt about that so I took the curtsy of packing a bag of tissues and skipped the step of applying makeup when I was getting ready.
"Are you okay" he asks "you seem rather silent"
"well today isn't exactly my day to talk, I came here to listen and that's what I plan to do”
He sighs loudly then brings his hand down over his face.
"I don't even know where to begin" he says openly but I can hear a faint trace of anxiety in his voice. The only sign that this is probably as hard for him as it is for me.
"It's ok" I assure him "Just take your time, begin at the beginning”
"I'm sorry Kayli and I know sorry isn't enough but I'm sorry. I’m really sorry. I never meant to hurt you and I never meant to destroy our friendship either.
I never even wanted to lose you but I'd be lying if I said I'm sorry for cheating with Josephine. I'm just sorry that you had to find out like that. "
With that simple sentence the water works begin. Minutes later I'm trying so desperately to hold in my sobs.
I can feel the tightness in my chest and the ball forming in my throat but I swallow the sobs. His eyes are closed so he can't see me and I know it’s because he's fighting tears of his own.
“Josephine and I grew up together. I had the biggest crush on her for as long as I can remember. I even remember us getting married with ring pops when we were 10 yrs old in my backyard.”
He smiles sweetly at the memory, licks his lips then continues
“It was always the two of us against the world even though we were so young. By the time I was 14 I realized that I was crazy in love with her but she had grown up and well she rejected me.
She told me that she only saw me as a friend. I knew she was lying. She could never lie to me and when I called her out on her bullshit she yelled ‘I DON’T LOVE YOU’ then ran away crying.
I didn’t understand it but she had broken my heart. After a week of moping around I decided that I wasn’t gonna give up on her that easily. When I got to her house the Sunday she was gone.
Her house was empty and it had a for sale sign on the front. I never got to say goodbye and I never saw her again. I was depressed; I had lost her before I even got her.
Then I met you and whenever I was around you I forgot about the pain. You were my distraction but I never could forget about her completely. I’d be around you and I’d have the most amazing time ever and then I’d go home and think about her.
That’s why I was so clingy, always wanting to be around you, always calling you, skyping you, texting you. So that I didn’t have to think about her. When she came back a few months ago I just couldn’t believe it.
Then she became your friend so she was always around and all the feelings that I tried to suppress for her came rushing back to the surface.
Then that day, the day of of the auction. I messed up and I kissed her and then well you saw the rest”
Pausing he turns to face me and takes my hands in his
“I didn’t mean for you to get hurt It was a selfish thing for me to do I know. I am an asshole. I should have never tried to use you to forget about her.
But this doesn’t change what we had. It was real, everything was real. I was genuinely happy around you, you were - no you are amazing. Don’t you ever think that you are less than you are.
You deserve someone so much better than me. Someone who will love you unconditionally and only you, unfortunately I couldn’t be that person.”
David stared at me waiting for me to respond. Then I did the weirdest thing ever, I started laughing through my tears.
“The whole things twisted but it’s actually kind of beautiful”
I finally say wiping away all traces of my tears.
“That is a beautiful love story you got there. The only sad part was that I had to get hurt during the process”
He stared at me bewildered for a minute as if I was going crazy. I know I should be bawling and cursing him but I can’t.
“Well that certainly wasn’t the reaction I was expecting” he finally says.
“I know, I wasn’t expecting that either but whatever. I understand I guess. It does hurt a little but it makes me feel good to know that it wasn’t because I was a shitty girlfriend so you had to go out and cheat but it was because of the undying love you had for your first love.”
“So you’re ok?”
“I feel great actually yeah I ok. I feel different. I feel somewhat refreshed I don’t know it’s crazy. You’d think that after hearing something like that I’d be all depressed but I’m just not.
I cried and I listened and now I’m ready to move on. Well if you’ll excuse me I have a date with a large cup of hot chocolate and my SpongeBob PJs.”
Standing up I run my hands along the bottom of my shirt then readjust the purse on my shoulder.
“Oh yea by the way apologize to her for me. Tell her I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?” he questions confused. Laughing at the memory, I respond “don’t worry about that she’ll know what I’m talking about”