Protip for Vampires #386: Do NOT fuck with the driver.
"I'd like to talk to Ibrahaim now," King demanded, trying to ignore the haphazard way his stretch limo whipped around the corner, complete with squealing brakes and the roar of an over-powered engine. He sat in the middle of the backseat while the rest of us passengers were trying to hang on or do our best imitation of tossed salad. I hated him at that point, mainly due to the aura of cool he tried to project as if he was better than the rest of us. Plus fundamental physics seem to didn't bother him that much. Smug bastard.
"Not gonna happen!" I snapped. The limo swerved violently again, and the remainder of my eloquently offensive answer was cut off as I was slammed facefirst into the closest window.
"Oh shiiiiiiiiit!" Sammy groaned as gravity firmly took hold of her. She grabbed the appropriately nicknamed "oh shit" handle above her head. Meredith wasn't so lucky and tumbled off her seat towards me, falling facefirst into my lap, which in other circumstances might have been hilarious.
"I'm going to murder your driver!" Sammy snarled.
I was contemplating whether or not to peel my face off the glass or leave it there to save time and effort when I realized I had a great view of the car chasing after us. Our pursuers drove a gigantic Cadillac SUV, which now caught up and raced beside us in the right-hand lane. Harry's happy henchmen had rolled down their windows, and instead of shooting at us, they made what were either obscene gestures or demands for us to pull over. Another huge black Cadillac rapidly closed the distance about three car lengths behind, reinforcements already on the scene. Bad guys brought to you by Cadillac, I thought wildly.
I should have been grateful that they didn't have motorcycles and uzis because then it would have gotten really exciting. It would be a level of excitement I couldn't devote my full attention to at the moment because Meredith's face was buried in my crotch. And yes, dammit, I somehow found the ability to have a boner in the middle of a car chase! Don't judge me!
"Goddammit, Bob!" King yelled from the backseat. "Let Ibrahaim take over so he can actually help us! We need a badass right now, not a you!"
Somewhere deep in my head, Ibrahaim, said badass and full-time resident brain parasite, went "wheeeee!" Bastard.
"Well fuck you too!" I yelled back, genuinely wounded. "I can be a badass!"
The stricken look on King's face said otherwise. "Oh, we are so fucked," King deadpanned.
"I don't know how he works," I admitted. "He usually takes over when I'm asleep or something! I don't know! It's been a really fucked up week, okay?"
"Figure it out then! We need him!" King implored, then we all hung on as the limo made a wide turn and almost immediately straightened out as we wound our way through the sporadic nighttime traffic.
"What the fuck are you even talking about?" Sammy finally snapped, then threw up her hands. "Wait! I don't fucking care because you're both fucking idiots!"
"He's got a point, Bob," Meredith pulled herself up and plopped onto the seat next to me with a saucy grin. She threw her bare leg over mine, the sweet smell of her musk threatening to overwhelm my senses, and yes, it was still inappropriate boner time. "Let Ibrahaim come out to play."
"And who the fuck is Ibrahaim?" Sammy yelled.
As a distraction and because I'd decided that King needed more attention of the negative variety from Sammy, I piped up. "In my defence, those guys don't even look like they want to kill us. They aren't even shooting at us. Are you sure Harry sent them?"
"You wanna get out and ask them?" King snapped.
"Oh great, so it's ignore Sammy time!" Sammy growled. "In that case, I volunteer Bob as tribute." My brief reprieve had ended all too soon. I sighed. She was clearly going to continue to be pissed at me all night. Not that she didn't have a damned good reason of course with me being such a jackass while under the influence of Ibrahaim, king of the assholes.
The limo swerved again, barely a shake, the engine roaring as thecar accelerated. I glanced out the window to see that the other Cadillac had caught up with us. King glanced out the back window and then back to me, a little panicked.
"You—" He paused and grimaced as he made the mental adjustment. "Ibrahaim has been pissing Harry off all week. I mean, he's been causing no end of trouble," King chuckled. "Harry wants to make an example out of Ibrahaim in front of his followers, to remind everybody who's the boss. I really need to talk to him cuz he and me, we're friends... but I don't know you. No offense."
"Fuck you, I'm taking offense," I replied. "I'm better than this fucking parasite in here." I tapped the side of my head for emphasis. "You should hear me sing Karaoke."
Sammy shook her head. "Can you stop the car and let me off? Y'all a buncha psychos and I want no part of this."
"Fine! I'll let you talk to him," I lied. I then closed my eyes and pretended to concentrate deeply. Countless horror movies over the years had prepared me to know how to act when a spirit is taking over your body, so I was ready for this.
Ibrahaim was apparently ready for me. There was an itchy feeling behind my eyeballs, which I now knew meant that in a few moments, Ibrahaim would try to take over my body. He felt so fucking eager.
Stop it! I thought angrily. Not like this! We can figure out a co-sharing deal or something.
As if you have a choice... Ibrahain sneered. You will do my bidding boy!
Get fucked, you fossil.
I opened my eyes and straightened my back, trying to imagine what the voice in my head would be like in person. I straightened my back even more and tried to be an imperious asshole.
"It is I, Ibrahaim—"
King wasn't buying it. "The fuck is that supposed to be?"
I tried again, and flourished with my hand. "Listen boy—"
"Ibrahaim doesn't sound anything like that—" King interrupted.
"He really doesn't," Meredith agreed.
"Enough!" Sammy snapped, slapping a hand down on the leather, venting her frustration. "I'm so done with this shit and with nobody telling me what the fuck is going on! Why the fuck are people trying to kill you, Bob? You're a nobody!"
"I have no idea what's going on—" I blustered.
"That just makes it worse, you cunt-nozzle!" Sammy hissed. "We'll just fucking put that on my fucking headstone when I get fucking killed because of something you fucking did: Death due to fucking cluelessness!"
"Whoa, that's a lot of fucks—" King said with a smile, clearly impressed with Sammy's grasp of the language. Sammy wheeled on him.
"And who the fuck even are you?" Sammy snarled. "Hip-hop artist? Check! Total hottie, fucking check." Her lip curled as her glare intensified. "Threatening us with death? Yeah... as far as I'm concerned, you're just as bad as Bob! And don't even get me started on your chauffeur--"
King smirked in my direction and laughed good-naturedly when I flipped him off. "First of all, you don't want to fuck with the driver. Second: baby doll, I just saved your asses from some very bad vam—" he caught his mistake in time and finished lamely, "—men."
The limo swerved just then and there was the blare of horns and screeching of tires from outside. A glance out of the back window confirmed that one of the pursuing Cadillacs had screeched to a stop behind a line of cars while we sped away, apparently into oncoming traffic. The limo swerved back onto the correct side after a second. The other one roared after us.
"Well that got rid of one car!" I grinned, glad that something was going well. "I think I'm going to miss them--"
WHAM! Something heavy landed on the roof of the car, and we all looked up. A musclebound, dreadlocked vampire in black leather snarled at us from the other side of the moonroof.
"I take it back! I take it back!" I yelled.
"What the fuck?" Meredith squeaked, her nails digging into my biceps.
The limo thrummed with power as the engine roared, what I assumed was the chauffeur's response to the new threat on the roof. Said threat looked a little unsure of his life choices as he clung on to the limo. Apparently there were no handholds up there.
"Maybe he's friendly," Sammy dead-panned. "We should let him in."
"Yes! Let's do that!" I snapped. "Maybe he wants to give us a hug!"
Sammy geared up to respond, but we never got to hear it. It might have been impressive, witty and full of invective, a full virtuoso of humor and swearing, but that was the moment that the limo fishtailed around a corner and Sammy lurched from her seat, losing her grip. Sammy's fall might also have ended badly, in a face-smashing way... but King, ever the smooth motherfucker, reached out to catch her around the waist in an insultingly casual manner. Sammy ended up in his lap, staring into his blue vampire eyes.
"Easy there, sugar tits," King murmured with a smile. "Wouldn't want you hurting that pretty little head of yours."
Something seemed to pass between the two of them in that shared moment. The chorus from a song by Sixpence None the Richer suddenly played in my head, the staple of all 90's era rom-coms, urging them to kiss.
Fuck.
"Normally I'd punch your lights out, but I'll give you a pass this once," Sammy blushed, confirming my suspicion that she was heavily crushing on King. From the way he was looking at her, the feelings were reciprocal.
Meanwhile, back in the world where people weren't staring into each other's eyes in the middle of a fucking crisis, Ibrahaim took advange of my distraction and, surged forward in by mind. It was so sudden and forceful that I was completely taken by surprise when my body whipped around and I was face to face with our would-be attacker on the roof.
"Let go," Ibrahaim snarled, using my voice. I could feel him glammering Dreadlocks, actually felt the connection, and then just like that, Dreadlocks vanished from sight with a strangely satisfying sound of scraping and sliding on the roof. A second later, I caught sight of our new friend tumbling end over end and rolling over in the traffic, cars desperately trying to swerve and brake to avoid hitting him.
"Bye, friend," Meredith waved.
Ibrahaim receded almost instantly and I was back in charge again, patting my chest and then my face in disbelief. To be completely honest, I was also terrifed how easy it had been for Ibrahaim just to take over like that. It was like he had been playing with me and could take over anytime he wanted.
Fucking hell...
Completely oblivious to what had just happened, King was busy acting out the recreation of a 90's com-com with Sammy still in his arms.
As if on cue, the limo skidded to a halt, brakes squealing. Sammy tumbled off of King's lap. "Motherfucker!" Sammy yelped.
"--And we're here," King announced with a grimace at Sammy.
"Where the fuck are we?" I asked weakly, glancing outside at what looked like a huge wedge-shaped building. Meredith's face had gone white as she recognized where we were, even if I didn't. I opened my mouth to ask her why she was freaking out—
"That's it!" Sammy snapped and lunged for the door. "I'm going to fucking kill your fucking driver!"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" King protested and wrapped his arms around Sammy, pinning her arms to her side, stopping her from leaving. "You don't wanna fuck with the driver!"
Have you ever tried to hold onto a cat who decided that he definitely didn't want to be picked up and was going to demonstrate this fact by showing you what your arms looked like without any skin? Yeah... you get the idea. Sammy slammed her head back into King's face, one, two, three times, while simultaneously scratching and pulling at his arms. His nose might have shattered after the third time, because he finally let go, and Sammy leapt off his lap.
"Don't you EVER put your hands on me!" Sammy snarled. "I will fuck you up for good."
Blood poured down King's face. He stared at Sammy, and then touched his bleeding face. He seemed stunned to see his own blood.
"I was just trying to protect you..." King griped.
"Maybe use words next time," I suggested, and Sammy held up her fist for me to bump. I gratefully accepted, and she glared at me.
"This doesn't mean I've forgiven you."
"Yeah, I'm never that lucky..."
The door opened and a slim blonde woman dressed as a chauffeur jumped into the backseat next to King. Was I a little surprised to see that the chauffeur was Beatrice? Maybe a little, yeah. I mean it's one hell of an understatement considering my current emotional state, but "a little surprised" is definitely something you could say.
"What are we waiting for?" Beatrice quipped. "Christmas?" She saw King's bloodsoaked face and hands and did a double-take. "What the fuck happened to you? Was that from my driving?"
King pointed at Sammy as he tried to set his broken nose. "Meet Sammy--"
"Beatrice!" Sammy squealed, her eyes wide delight. She threw herself at a surprised looking Beatrice, embracing her in a tight hug. "You're the driver? I can't believe I wanted to kill you!"
Beatrice locked eyes with me—
Ibrahaim went crazy. He surged to the front of my mind and my body was already moving, pushing myself away from Beatrice, a pounding terror taking hold, adrenaline spiking, heart pumping desperately in my chest.
Not her! Get away! Must escape! Ibrahaim squealed desperately in my head.
"What the fuck, dude? Cut it out!" I yelled at myself. Apparently I still had control of the mouth, as if that was any use. Ibrahaim ignored me and lunged for the moonroof, fists first, desperate to break it open.
"Oh, stop that, Ibrahaim," Beatrice purred, "I'm not going to hurt Bobbikins just to get to you."
Surprisingly enough, Ibrahaim ceased his attempts to shatter the surprisingly solid moonroof glass, which was a relief to my poor shattered fist and bleeding knuckles. He glared suspiciously at Beatrice.
Don't trust her, Ibrahaim growled.
"Give me back control, right fucking now," I demanded. All at once, I was no longer a passenger in my own damned body and could move my limbs again. Goddamnit! I had to figure out how to stop him from doing that so easily.
Sammy stared at me in utter disbelief, her attack hug on Beatrice interrupted. "What in the everloving fuck is wrong with you?" she asked.
King just shook his head. "Your friend has been possessed by a six-thousand year old vampire who wants to take over the city."
"And enslave all humankind," Beatrice chimed in. "You forgot that part. It's kind of important."
"He wants to do what?" I yelled, since this was news to me.
It's kind of my thing, Ibrahaim sneered deep in my brain.
"Oh, and we're all vampires," King continued, then remembered Meredith. "Except for her."
Meredith waved helpfully.
"And that's my cue," Sammy declared. "Fuck this horror show—"
Beatrice rolled her eyes dramatically. "Why did you have to go and tell her that?" Beatrice sighed and grabbed Sammy, forcing her to turn around.
I lunged forward, knowing what was coming, and I knew I had to save my friend. Beatrice, didn't even flinch. She reached up, grabbed me by the face, and casually threw me across the car into the glass separating the back from the driver. As my head rang in that ever familiar you just got a concussion" kind of way, I saw Sammy relax as Beatrice looked her deep in the eye and glammered the fuck out of her.
"Vampires are real, Sammy," Beatrice murmured, and Sammy nodded helplessly. "We're all friends here, right?"
"We're all friends..." Sammy repeated.
"Now," said Beatrice as she turned to me. "Let's get that soul sucking bastard out of you."
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