Alec met up with Magnus a few more times after that, and he thought he might be falling in love. He knew that it wasn't against the clave, the idea of being in a relationship with a downworlder was so obscene that they never bothered to include it, but whenever he snuck away he always felt like he was doing something wrong.
There were quite a few times when Alec felt so inexplicably guilty that he wondered whether he would be better off stopping. Then he would see Magnus again, and all doubt would fly away.
It was easy to slip away, Alec was always so silent that people rarely noticed him, considering him more of an ornament than an actual person. Izzy knew something was up, but when Alec accidentally let it slip she was delighted. She assured him that she wouldn't breathe a word to anyone, her loyalty almost made Alec feel better about Jace.
Almost.
Jace was more distracted by Clary than ever, and Alec suspected that he might be sneaking out with her to do unsanctioned missions. He could feel his parabatai's guilt and adrenaline rush each time, but there was nothing he could do.
It came to a head when Alec was woken up by an intense rush of apprehension, and he swung his legs so that he was sat up. The tile was cold under his feet, but he ignored it as he slipped quietly down the hall.
Just as he suspected, when he rounded the corner he was met by the whispers of Clary and Jace as they grabbed their gear. In a moment of fury, he walked over and grabbed Jace's arm.
The blond turned on a time, eyes bright with anger before he relaxed.
"Oh, it's just you Alec." He sounded relieved, and Alec's anger was renewed. He glared intently at Jace, ignoring Clary as she tried to justify what they were doing. It didn't matter why they were doing it, not anymore.
Jace tried to brush past him, but Alec pushed himself back in the way. He begged for Jace to understand, for him to see the fear in his eyes and feel the impending threat, but his brother was too blinded by his affection for Clary to care.
"Get out of our way, we have to do this. Can't you understand that Alec!" Alec could understand, but he knew better than to think that they were above the law. The silent brothers wouldn't care about their reasons.
Truthfully, Alec was getting sick of being understanding. His entire life he had been 'understanding', and he was always the one to get punished for it. Izzy knew their parents, when she had realized that Alec was the scapegoat she had been appalled, furious at their parents for their unfairness.
To Alec, he had always known that it was his duty to protect his little sister, and that instinct had never gone away. She was reasonable and controlled, she would bend the rules but never broke them.
Jace was less observant. For a long time, especially after hearing about the way he was raised, Alec considered himself fortunate. After all, he barely ever got a bruise from his parents, and they always acted in his best interests, certainly, he was better off than Jace.
When Jace became a part of their family, Alec knew he needed to protect him, as much as he was able, and he had held that up. He knew that for as long as he lived he would hold that up.
But that didn't mean that it wasn't hard when Jace actively looked for trouble. Alec wished that he would see that Alec was suffering, but he never did. It wasn't his fault, Alec never told him what was going on, but he thought their parents could do no wrong, dismissing Izzy when she tried to explain.
Even when they were children it had never been this bad. The odd occurrence of sneaking out to go to a nightclub was nothing in comparison to this blatant disregard of the law. Alec bit back a scream of despair. Clary was going to ruin them.
Alec tried to send more of his emotions down their link, but Jace blocked him off. Alec was shocked. They had argued before, much worse than this, but Jace had never blocked him out. Alec felt more desperately alone than ever.
He shook his head ferociously, reaching for the relationship he and Jace had shared for the better part of their lives. Jace shook him off.
"We are doing the right thing, the clave just can't see it." Alec wanted to scream. It didn't matter whether the clave saw it or not, the only thing they would be seeing would be white walls. "I'm going with Clary, either tell me why I shouldn't or leave us alone."
Alec flinched like he had been hit. He didn't even recognize the man in front of him. Where was his brother, the person who stayed up with him each night as he shook and sobbed, the man who had never forced him to try and speak?
He was gone, replaced by this stranger who was using the one thing that Alec was defenseless in against him. Jace froze. "Alec, I'm sorry I didn't mean-" Alec couldn't listen anymore, the buzzing was getting louder and louder.
Gasping for air, he fled, ignoring Clary and Jace as they called his name. Without thinking, he found himself going to the main office, currently housing Lydia. She had come to the institute quite recently and had complimented Alec on his quick response.
When the other shadowhunters explained that he was mute, that he was weak and pathetic, she defended him, saying that he might be mute but he was faster than them. She had Alec's respect, he admired her loyalty and strength, her determination to do what was necessary.
Remembering his manners, he tapped on the door. He barely felt like he was in control of himself, as though he were being controlled by strings. Bleary with sleep, Lydia opened the door.
"Alec? What's going on? Is the institute benign attacked?" Her hand reached for her stele, and Alec quickly shook his head, raising his palms. Lydia had discussed some gestures that he could use to give base messages, in the case of an emergency. He gave a sign of peace.
Relaxing slightly, Lydia rubbed the sleep from her eyes, meeting Alec with respect and patience. He quickly signed for a pen, and she passed him one.
*Jace and Clary are leaving.* Lydia read the message and nodded.
"Alright, do you know where they are planning to go or what they are going to do?" Alec shook his head, and Lydia pulled on a clean shirt as she moved. "I'll catch up to them. I don't doubt that you've already tried but I'll see if I can stop them."
Alec nodded respectfully, directing her to where he last saw them. He admired the new leader, not only did she treat everyone fairly, but she also trusted the competence of the shadowhunters.
The brunet felt his skin prickle with guilt, feeling like he had betrayed his parabatai. He ignored the feeling, reminding himself that he was doing what was best for both Jace and Clary. It might have stemmed from anger, but he trusted Lydia to act accordingly.
If she could stop them, then it was unlikely that she would make a report to the clave, he might have been fast enough. He mentally pleaded with Jace to not get heated and refuse. Alec felt helpless.
After a tense few minutes, Lydia returned. She looked as calm and collected as always, and Alec felt a wave of admiration for her.
"I got them to come back, and I won't make a report this time, but if it happens again I won't have a choice." Alec was so relieved that he thought he might drop to his knees, and he bowed his head. He handed her another piece of paper. She smiled softly.
"You're welcome. I know that must have been hard, I can't imagine having to go behind my parabatai, but we both know that it's for the best." Alec's chest tightened. "You are a good shadowhunter, I am glad to have you by my side."
Unsure of what to do next, Alec awkwardly ducked his head again and backed away. When he got back to his room, the feeling of betrayal and anger was so strong that he couldn't bear it.
--- --- --- --- ---
In his dream, Alec was surrounded by white. Every way he ran he met a wall, and despite clawing at it until his fingers bled nothing changed. Alec screamed desperately, lungs struggling to inflate and heart-thumping out of his chest.
The walls were closing in, and Alec curled into a fetal position, eyes closed as he screamed. Spiders were crawling into his veins, tearing at his skin with tiny, razor-sharp teeth and eating him from the inside out.
He called out for Jace and Izzy, jumping when a hand hit his shoulder. He looked up to see Magnus. His hope was dashed immediately as the warlock glared at him with disgust, skin as cold as ceramic. He ignored Alec's pleas as he walked away.
Digging his fingers into his skin, Alec tried to wake up. The silence got louder and louder, and Alec wondered whether he was still trapped in the room.
Gasping, he jolted awake. The white was still there, and Alec whimpered, clawing at his skin in a desperate attempt to escape. His fingers scratched until they were wet, but he couldn't see anything past the white.
He was on his feet before he realized it, slamming his hands against the frictionless walls as tears streamed down his face. Trying to scream, Alec couldn't make a sound, throat raw and painful.
Collapsing to the ground, Alec buried his head in his arms, rocking back and forth with unbearable adrenaline. He was stuck, he was going to die. Wetness spread down his legs, but Alec was barely even aware of it.
After a few minutes, the terror started to ease slightly, his body too exhausted to keep going. He still trembled, but the buzzing was easing.
Alec didn't lift his head, too afraid to break the darkness and kill the illusion. He forced himself to breathe with Herculean control, feeling his head start to clear. Grasping at reality, Alec pushed his thoughts onto Magnus, he knew that the warlock had to be real. Even in his dreams, Alec had never made someone so perfect.
Eventually, Alec forced himself to lift his gaze and sobbed with relief when he was met by the ocean blue walls of his bedroom. Like a cornered animal, Alec grabbed the nearest item to him with snakelike speed.
The item turned out to be his stele, having been knocked off his bedside table in panic. Running his fingers over it, Alec could feel the regular indents and breathe in turn with finding one.
The act worked to ground him, and Alec eventually felt present enough to assess the damage. Blood ran down his arms from claw marks, and with a shudder of revulsion, Alec realized that the liquid was not only mottling the floor but was also smudged on the stele. That would be a bitch to get out later.
His arms were stinging, and Alec turned his palms downward, analyzing the bruised and bleeding knuckles. One of his fingernails was slightly loose but didn't seem to have come off entirely so that was a win.
Most distressing was the disconcerting wetness between his thighs, and he hit his head against the wall behind him tiredly. It had been a long time since he had a panic attack bad enough to cause that.
Dragging himself to his feet, he dragged himself into the shower, tossing his soiled clothes into a spare bin bag as he went, electing to burn them later. The water was pleasantly cool, and when Alec stepped back out he felt much more human.
Swiftly changing, Alec checked the clock balanced precariously on the nightstand. He was relieved to see he had 20 minutes before he was meant to join a hunt this morning, it gave him enough time to cover up what had happened.
In the back of his mind, he could feel Jace's concern through their bond, but it was overshadowed by his brother's pride and anger. Alec didn't mind, he doubted that Jace would get over his betrayal for a while. He couldn't comfort himself as he usually would with the thought that Jace and he would always work it out, not whilst Clary was still here.
Emotions still running high, Alec felt singed by jealousy, so overpowering that his damaged arms barely stung as he cleaned them. It might be childish, but Alec was too exhausted to try and be the bigger person.
It was unfair, he realized, that he only blamed Clary. She hadn't forced Jace to do anything, in a sense she was so new to the world that Alec doubted she even knew all the laws within the clave. Nonetheless, Alec felt like an angry child whose favorite toy had been stolen.
Alec knew that Jace wasn't just his parabatai. Jace was one of the best shadowhunters in the institute, strong and courageous, Alec would want nobody else by his side in battle. The man had overcome too much to just be a trophy.
Jace had always been flirty, but since Clary had arrived it was as though Alec had stopped existing, stopped mattering to him. His brother got on well with everyone, he was confident and social, something Alec equally respected and envied. Alec, however, was alone.
Izzy and Jace, especially since the punishment, were the only people who didn't tiptoe around him. They were all that he had, and the idea of losing someone who was a part of him, his parabatai, was near unbearable.
To put it simply, Alec felt insecure. A flash of a particular warlock crossed his mind, and Alec wondered whether Magnus would still want to be around him if he realized how ugly Alec was, both inside and out.
--- --- --- --- ---
Alec was cleaning his bow when his parents found him.
The hunt had gone well, it had been a small one, just a few shadowhunters aside from himself and Izzy. it had been nice spending some time with his sister, in battle, there was no need for words between them, they could read each other like a book.
Izzy had looked so genuinely happy, more like herself. Alec suspected that Jace's distance was hurting her too, after all, she and Jace had been like siblings since Herondale arrived at the institute.
Clary and Izzy seemed to be becoming better friends, at least. Alec envied the ease with which his sister had accepted Clary, not once had she seen the girl with anything but compassion. When she became the new head of the institute, she would be a fantastic leader. Already Lydia was giving her more duties.
Alec was proud of her achievements, she truly did deserve her success. He knew that their parents had never gone easy on her, not as they had been with Jace, but she had overcome it all.
When Maryse and Robert came to a halt, Alec noticed an all too familiar gleam in their eyes. They wanted something. As expected of him, Alec rose to his feet respectfully, awaiting their instruction.
"Alec, we thought we might find you here. We have something we need to discuss." Already this was making him concerned, but he kept his face impassive. "As you probably heard, the Lightwood institute has come under investigation recently."
Alec nodded, he had suspected as much when Lydia had arrived. It was rare for the leadership to be passed to an outsider in any situation unless there was no other choice. With Izzy there, he could assume that this wasn't due to there being no options.
"As a way of avoiding unnecessary conflict, a union of the Lightwood's and the Branwell's has been suggested as a solution." Alec felt a cold lump of dread starting to form in his stomach. Lydia was the only Branwell he knew that was of a similar age to any of them.
"You won't be forced into it, but a marriage between you and Lydia could be the only thing stopping the fall of our family." They seemed to sense Alec's concern and Maryse sympathetically continued. "Think about it, that's all we ask."
And think about it Alec did, so much so that he barely slept that night.
He didn't know why the idea felt so wrong. He liked Lydia, she was everything he wanted to be and he respected her as a leader. Alec knew that his parents didn't make it an order, but he wondered whether they only did it because they knew he couldn't say no.
To this day he didn't know why he had been punished the way he was. Mistakes had been made, sure, but to deserve four months of isolation? He had tried to ask, but everyone turned away. Ever since the idea of saying no to them was like a bone in his throat.
Alec lay still and tried to convince himself that marrying Lydia wouldn't be so bad. She was a great person, and she seemed to like him well enough. It wasn't loving, but Alec knew that if it were for the greater good of shadowhunters, she would do her duty.
That was a part of why he admired her so much, she would always do her duty. Perhaps if he truly did admire her then he should be willing to make the same sacrifice. His heart throbbed.
His silence would be another issue. Alec imagined that if he agreed he would be all but forced into actually speaking, maybe even threatened with the whitespace again if he didn't. It wasn't that he didn't have things he wished to say, it just seemed like he had a muzzle on.
Sometimes he would speak in his dreams, but the idea of doing it in the waking world was terrifying, more so than taking on thousands of demons.
Deep down, Alec knew where his real hesitation lay. If he married Lydia he could never be with Magnus, no matter how much he wanted to. The marriage ceremony prevented any such affairs.
In such a short time, Magnus had come to mean everything to him. It was a slight exaggeration, but Magnus was always in his thoughts, even when he wasn't meant to be.
Alec forced the idea away. He was a shadowhunter, not only would he likely be disowned if he revealed the truth, it didn't matter what he wanted. His duty to the clave was more important than anything in his life, what he wanted was minor compared to the needs of his people.
If the institute was removed from the Lightwood family, then all the shadowhunters they had would be scattered around the rest of the world. In all his time listening Alec had come to realize quite how many of them had bonded with each other, how much they cared for each other.
What they wanted would matter even less than Alec's desires. He pictured families being torn apart, any pleads to fall on the deaf ears of the silent brothers.
Feeling ill, Alec rolled onto his side and banished his thoughts to the darkest crevice of his mind, to where he put all his emotions. He would think about it more tomorrow, but a part of him already knew what his answer would end up being.
A single tear slid down his cheek, and Alec didn't have the heart to wipe it away.
--- --- --- --- ---
"They can't be serious!" Izzy looked distraught at the mere idea of the wedding. "Alec you deserve to be happy, you aren't just a tool for our parents to use." She flipped her raven black hair over her shoulder, eyes dark with anger.
"They got themselves into this mess when they sided with Valentine, and now they expect you to fix it." Her gaze turned soft. "You can't keep giving in to them, you deserve better, and so does Lydia. She would marry you if our parents asked, but don't you think she deserves to be happy too?"
Alec must have given away some of the hurt on his face because she quickly continued. "Don't take that the wrong way Alec, you know what I mean. You respect her, all of us do, but you don't love her." She dropped to a whisper. "There's also the fact that you play for the other team."
Alec glared for a moment, but the anger melted away as quickly as it came. She was right, as she always was. Izzy had figured it all out much faster than he had, and in the end, she was the one to actually drag him out of denial. His heart warmed as he remembered her promise that she would never leave his side and that she loved all of him.
The pair remained silent for a moment, Alec leaning back against the wall of his bedroom. The chipped paint was rough against his back, but it no longer reminded him of the white walls. He noticed his sister run her fingers across the new indents in his wall.
"Did you have another panic attack?" Alec nodded, there was little point in lying after she saw the bandages, and he knew that she wouldn't hate him for it. Still, he avoided meeting her eyes.
From her silence, he knew that she felt hurt that he hadn't gone to her. For a long time, Alec didn't understand what was happening to him, and Izzy was the only one who was able to calm him down. His stomach churned.
When Izzy moved to her stele, Alec moved backward. As much as he disliked the pain, it was the only thing that he could use to drag him back to reality. A deeper part of him liked the marks that it left, it made the outside look as damaged as the inside.
His sister sighed, opening her mouth to say more but thinking better of it. "I'm going out." Alec raised an eyebrow quizzically. "I can't stand being here with them anymore, all they do is criticize me, as if I don't already know how terrible a leader I'll be."
Alec could hear the tightness in her voice as she spoke, and he shook his head fiercely. They were wrong! He grabbed his notebook, scribbling the words down, ignoring the pain in his fingers.
*You are a great leader, better than they are." Izzy's face was disbelieving.
"You're my brother, you have to say that." Alec almost let out a low growl of frustration. When they were kids, Alec and Izzy were able to handle the slaps and roughness, but the heartbreaking words had injured them more deeply.
Alec knew that up until the punishment, he had gotten off lightly in the insult department, for the most part, their parents had nothing to say to him. Izzy had gotten the brunt of it. Spitting out venomous insults and criticizing her every choice, Izzy would meet their eyes and stand obediently, only breaking down when she was alone.
Jace and Alec had heard her weeping through the walls, but had never known what to do or had the courage to answer back. It was one of Alec's greatest regrets that he didn't do more to stop them.
She would never admit it, but Alec knew Izzy was insecure. She was brilliant in every way, at least in his eyes, but she needed other people to validate her decisions, and Alec knew that he was the same way.
Their parents had pushed them down, and now they had to drag each other back up, no matter how hard it might be. One day, Alec hoped that Izzy would see herself the way he saw her.
He hated a lot of the downworlders his sister got together with. It had nothing to do with her 'promiscuity', as their parents called it. Izzy liked to have sex, and that was all there was to it, it wasn't up to Alec or anyone to say how she lived her life.
What he didn't like was the people that she chose. Meliorn was one of the better ones, he would admit, but the vampire she had dated when they were just finishing their training? Complete arsehole.
Each time she went out, Alec worried about her, whether she was safe, whether someone would try to take advantage of her. He knew that she was more than able to take care of herself, and she had in the past, but it didn't stop his brotherly concern.
In this situation, however, Alec couldn't blame her for wanting to leave the institute. Truthfully, he was considering taking a leave also.
His heart yearned for Magnus. The shadowhunter had enjoyed his time with the warlock far more than he did when he was in the institute, and his chest fluttered when he pictured the beautiful man's face.
Pushing down any anxiety, Alec walked with Izzy to the door, both skillfully avoiding meeting their parents or Lydia. He didn't have the energy to handle them at the moment, and based on Izzy's slumped shoulders, she didn't either.
Once outside, they bid a quick farewell before going their separate ways. With a final look behind him, Alec was reminded of how fortunate he was to have Izzy, he didn't know what he would do without her.
New chapter! I don't know if I said this last chapter but I joined the movie club and am one of the writers!!! That means the others will act based on what the writer's room wrote!!! So excited!!!
Happy early Thanksgiving!
~ Louisa