I had been trying to reach Zoey's phone but to no avail. The moment the cab dropped me off the main gates of the BRIS compound, I wanted to march into her dorm and interrogate the hell out of her. But I was running late for practice. Though I was reluctant to be back in the team, I didn't want to jeopardize the opportunity that Coach Lima gave me and disappoint them just because of my personal issues. So I ground my teeth and stormed to my room to change. The interrogation could wait.
However, it turned out I was the one who had a lot of explaining to do to my team for not making it yet again to the initiation. It happened after the drills, right before lunch break.
"She got excited and tried all the drinks that we were supposed to bring to the party. By the time we had to leave, she was good as dead, hahaha," Darla helpfully told them when I couldn't come up with anything in response.
Jackie, our point guard who was an incoming junior, was shaking her head in disappointment. "And here I thought we'd get a chance to see you squeal."
"Was Jarlin there?" Gella suddenly asked, her eyes almost twinkling.
I literally gaped at her. "Excuse me?"
"Jarlin Trance. Zach's flatmate? You didn't meet him?"
Before I could even respond, somebody else beat me to it. "Actually, Jazz met him before we all did." Much to my shock, it was Athena who spoke and we all turned to her. "They were classmates with the Anderson twins in Senior high before Jazz transferred to BRIS early in the second quarter." Then she squared her shoulders and faced me. "But they're not together and never been if that's your next question," she added with a smirk.
I knew that there were a lot more in her statement than she was letting on. But I didn't want to dwell on it as I listened to how the rest of them got acquainted with Jarlin. The fact that they all knew him at a party of some Berkeley boy last year where they became instant fans seeing him do an alley-oop dunk, infuriated me. Why didn't I know any of this?!
"I'll get back to you on that," I said over everyone else's voices, stopping them from their barrage of questions about the Jarlin Trance. I made a beeline out of Shelby Halls while I was furiously dialing Zoey's number on my phone.
I grumbled and almost threw my gadget when she still wouldn't pick up. Then I remembered Zach who was training at the Sports Complex since that's where the Soccer Field was. If I couldn't catch Zoey, I'd start with her twin.
Nevermind the long walk and the fact that I had not changed out of my sweaty jerseys yet. This couldn't wait any longer. I wanted an explanation and I wanted it right then and there. Otherwise, it was going to mess up my focus at the competitions.
"Zachary Paul Anderson!" I called out loudly as I stomped my way towards Zach who was by the shade of the grand stand, ignoring the confused looks that the other soccer players were throwing at me.
He and Geo looked up and smiled at me as I approached.
But I was not in the mood to be cheerful.
I might have caught him off-guard because Zach cursed when I shoved him hard. "Why didn't you tell me?!"
"What the fuck, Jazz!"
"Why didn't you tell me?!" I repeated, and shoved him harder.
"Didn't tell you what?!" he shot back with equal intensity as he shielded himself with his arms as if anticipating me to push him again.
"That Jarlin was here all along, you asshole! It was all over your room's photowall, damn it!" I screamed not caring if I was making a scene in front of his team mates.
"Hey-" Geo tried to interrupt but I glared at him.
"Stay out of this Geo. This is none of your fuckin' business," I snarled and shifted my attention back to Zach who remained silent. "What, Zach? Still not going to tell me anything?"
He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Could you just calm down for a sec-"
"How could I calm down?! You lied to me all these years! You and Zoey!" I accused, my voice shaking in sheer anger.
My words might have ignited something in him because he suddenly stepped up to me until we're just mere inches close and spoke between gritted teeth. "Don't go accusing us of something we didn't do," he said harshly. "We didn't lie to you, Jazz. In case you have forgotten, you're the one who kept your distance. You almost didn't want to hear from any of us. Hell, you wouldn't even open your damned Facebook! We made the effort to reach out to you. But you kept shutting us out."
My retort lodged itself in my throat because there was truth in his words. "I..."
"Grow up, Justine," he said, almost sounding like a mock. "Don't expect everyone to always make the first move. Stop thinking highly of yourself."
My eyes began to water but I bit my lip and clenched my fists to stop myself from making any more tantrums by crying in front of the soccer team.
"Zach, that's enough," Geo mildly said as he landed a hand on Zach's shoulder.
As much as I wanted to apologize, I couldn't let myself speak, couldn't move from where I stood. I was trying so hard to stop my tears from leaking out as I watched him give me a disgusted look before he turned around. I opened my mouth just when he looked back.
"Oh, before you accuse me of not telling you, that room you slept in? That's Jarlin's. We have been sharing the unit since we started college."
My knees gave out as he walked away. If Geo had not been there to keep me upright, I would have collapsed on the ground. He led me to the steps leading towards the Grand Stand instead where I sat and buried my head on my hands while he rubbed my back in comfort. The other players had gone ahead for lunch, leaving the two of us in the open field.
Zach must have been joking. He couldn't be right. If he was saying the truth, that would mean Jarlin let a golden opportunity slip his hands. And for what? That part I still couldn't figure out. There must be a reason behind him giving it up, right?
It shouldn't matter to me whatever choices Jarlin Trance made; I knew that. But it did. Somehow it still did. Because deep down, I really wanted him to succeed. Because no matter how adamantly I denied it, he was one of the reasons why I wanted to do better. His achievements was also pushing me forward. Because secretly, I was still hoping that one day, he'd think of me as more than a rival.
I must have shocked Geo for abruptly standing up but I didn't care. I didn't even bid him goodbye when I left him and just dashed back to the Reagan dorms, to my room.
The frames rattled when I kicked the door shut as soon as I got inside and fired up my laptop. I clicked open a browser and typed in 'Facebook' in the search bar and was directed to the log-in page.
"Shit." What was my password? It was like searching for a needle in a haystack! I slumped on my chair trying to rack my brain for a clue. I tried my name, my nicknames, Jarlin's name, and a combination of both just for the heck of it. I grunted when it already asked me if I was trying to access the right account. I could click on the 'Forgot password' option. If I had not forgotten the password for the email I used to register an account. Damn it.
I looked up at the luminous sticker stars on my ceiling, hoping they would give me a hint. So I clicked on the 'Try Again' button and I tried typing in 'starplayer'. I groaned when I got the same results. I couldn't believe I was wasting my lunch time over this.
Why did I even bother creating a Facebook in the first place?
I was drumming my fingers on the table when it hit me. I wanted to keep in touch with Jarlin. That's what I told him in that letter. But why? Because my arrogant self couldn't accept that he beat me twice in basketball. I planned to improve while I moved to a different country so that when we meet again, we could have a-
"Rematch?" Although unsure, I still typed in the word and had my eyes tightly shut when I clicked on the 'Log In' button. If that still didn't work, I would give up.
But then it did, and I shrieked in sheer joy, putting my palm up, swiveling my chair around so Athena could give me a high five. Then I realized she wasn't there so I cracked my knuckles instead and started checking what's new...or rather, old in my profile.
I didn't have anything for lunch. At all. Because I was determined to find something significant scattered on my cluttered Facebook wall.
To my dismay, I didn't find anything about Jarlin. His profile didn't have anything that revealed his reasons for being in the Philippines. There was no mention of him being scouted for the National Team either. There were just random posts of his trips with the Anderson twins. There wasn't even a mention of the school he was attending.
The only message I got from him only said: I'm flying to the Philippines. Please message me if you're okay to talk.
That was dated a year ago. Was he still waiting for me to talk to him then?
I parked that thought for the meantime as I made some adjustments on my account.
First of all, I had to quickly change my profile's privacy settings because it appeared that I got friend requests from people I didn't know all over the world. Second, I had a hard time sorting through spam posts, messages and friend requests. That included throwback photos that my parents were posting. I couldn't believe they were netizens! They really won't hear the end of it on our next Skype session. Lastly, I was chewing on my lips or the insides of my cheeks just to stop myself from crying because of the messages and tagged posts and photos of my friends from high school.
It was Zach who kept everyone up to date with what was happening to us-him, Zoey, Jarlin and me-in the Philippines. And there were several posts with just a sad face as the caption of photos of me during my worst year. Those were the same photos that I've seen back in his condo.
Zach was right. I was the one who suddenly stopped communicating with everyone. And I felt horrible for abruptly cutting ties without warning.
I thought I was doing them all a favor if I didn't tell them of my condition then. I was so sure of myself that if I kept it a secret, they wouldn't worry at all. But it was the other way around. They worried about me. A lot. That was when I understood that friends naturally got worried for someone's sake; that the sad emoticons were there not because they felt pity but because they wanted to share the burden; and that those emoticons were always followed by encouraging words.
I hoped it wasn't late. But it was high time I opened my doors to let people in.
Been a long time peeps. FYI. We're having the Sports Fest soon. Zach's playing soccer this time. While I'm still recovering from my ACL (left knee) and MCL (right knee), I still managed to make it as a bench player for basketball, haha. Expect a lot of photos from Zoey. If you're around Metro Manila, we're inviting you to watch the games.
Soon after I posted that status message, I received a call from Coach asking where I was. I had not realized that lunch time was over half an hour ago so I dashed back to the gym for the afternoon practice.
Though Coach Lima chastised me for being late, it did nothing to dampen my mood. As a matter of fact I was pumped up. I guess the hour-long of browsing Facebook reignited the drive that I thought I had already lost.
Shortly after a meeting, we were called for a team photo shoot. Zoey was the photographer. I realized I hadn't told her about making it back to the team yet. Actually, I hadn't told her much at all.
I had a lot of apologizing to do to the Anderson twins.
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Posted on 4 April 2015 Saturday