It was nearing midnight by the time I returned to my cousins' home with Joël. I had to thank Callie and her husband for taking care of him. No one in their right mind would do that for nearly seven years. I'd taken Joël to the zoo, out to dinner, then watched a movie together. Just spending time with him made me realize how bad I had wanted to be a mother. That moment was very short-lived.
When we entered the house, I got a feeling something was up. I helped Joël settle in and fall asleep before I made my way downstairs. Sarah was already gone, but she'd left a few snacks out for me. I'm glad she remembered how late I like to stay up. Having something to snack on, while I come up with more reasons to stay up, helped me fall asleep faster. That wasn't about to happen tonight.
Melinda texted me a bit after midnight that she and Renée would be returning home in the morning. I had the entire house to myself. I could stay up and watch TV without fearing I'd wake them up. That also gave permission for Roberto to barge into the house like he'd lost his mind. My first thought was to make sure he didn't find Joël. I don't know what he'd do if he found out I was taking our son back to America with me.
"What are you doing here?" I demanded. "What gives you the right to barge in here this late?"
"You told me to come back, so here I am," he said.
"I told you to come back in the morning. It's literally the middle of the night!"
"Technically, it's morning. The sun just isn't out yet. Be more specific next time."
"Why do I have to be more specific? Even someone dumb knows what that means. You're being stupid right now, Robert. Leave and come back when the sun is at its highest point."
"No."
No? I fought the urge to smack him senseless. I can't argue with this idiot right now. Joël doesn't need to find me fighting with his father in the middle of the night.
"Roberto, you're being unreasonable," I hissed.
"How? I haven't done anything." He blinked at me.
"What do you want to know so badly that you can't wait for the sun to come up to get an answer?"
Roberto finally smiled for the first time since he barged in. I glanced towards the stairs, praying that Joël wasn't a light sleeper.
"I want to know why you gave up on me?" he said. "Why did you leave me for a bastard who doesn't know how to take care of a woman?"
I took a deep breath. "Honestly, I just...I couldn't--I wasn't in love with you anymore. I spent nearly two years with you and they felt like the worst years of my life. You ruined the happiness in me, while I was trying to help you. You turned out to be a lost cause. Not even Dr. Alexy could help you."
"You were supposed to help me. I couldn't fix myself alone. What made you think leaving was going to help either of us?"
"What makes you think you need someone to help you with a problem you can fix on your own? I tried my hardest to help you get over me leaving the first time. I'm trying to be a good girlfriend to someone else right now. You're my ex for a reason. I don't want to waste anymore time dealing with you."
"Are you really doing this right now! You left suddenly and never came back like you did all those years ago!"
"Yeah, to get away from you! I found myself again when I left. I found someone who loved me just as much as I loved them. I was happy, Roberto!"
"That's not a valid reason. Every time I really need you, you leave without a word. There has to be another reason."
"Why would there be another reason? I just never liked you."
"Liar."
Fine. He wants to play that game? Well, it's time for you to finally get the answer you've been waiting for. Don't say I didn't warn you.
"...Do you really want to know why?" I asked.
"Yes!" He nodded vigorously.
"Robert, it wasn't you. It was me. I finally realized how terrible you were for me. When we broke up, I didn't shed a tear. I moved on, because everyone finally got through to me. Angela told me how you treated her and it opened my eyes to who you truly were. You didn't love me, and I realized that a bit too late. Goodnight, Robert."
"But—"
There was a long pause as I turned my back on him and began walking upstairs. I was hoping he would just leave, because I needed him to know that I was finally in love with someone I really cared about. There are boundaries you expect everyone to respect. I'm sure he knows now that I'm serious about not wanting to see him again. I won't allow him to ruin this for me.
"You're serious?" he asked in disbelief.
"And you're still here?" I stopped walking. "You do realize this makes you look desperate." I turned back to him. "Get this in that puny brain of yours: I was never in love with you. I tried my best to save us, but I couldn't do it. You were obviously not interested in the relationship in the first place, so I wasn't going to humiliate myself more trying to fix things."
"Is this really the end? You're leaving me behind just like that? Again?"
"Out of all the mistakes I've made in my life, you were the worst. I adored you, I really did, but I love myself more. It wasn't working out, and I know you could sense it, too. Our relationship could have ruined my entire personality, and I didn't want that. Good. Bye."
One of the best times to figure out who you are and what you can really do with your life is after a breakup. I've made my decision to move on, and I'm never gonna look back. There's no way I can find a good future thinking about what I could've had with him. Not everyone I've lost, or will lose, is a loss. Sometimes good relationships fall apart, so better relationships can fall together. I couldn't tell if our relationship was killing me or making me stronger.
"Lucas is never going to treat you like I treated you!"
"I sure hope not. If I left you, what makes you think I want another man to treat me like trash?"
He stood there in silence.
"Now leave before I get security."
And with that, I left him behind. I didn't care if Joël heard us or not. I had been done with his crap a long time ago. Who knew that letting him go would allow me to meet someone who actually cared about me? I used to think about what he could have done to keep me at his side, but I realized I couldn't make someone change if they weren't willing to change in the first place.
I took a long shower, not really thinking about getting clean at the moment. I prayed Roberto had gone home without a word. I hoped he believed Melinda and Renée were home, too. If he were to find out it was just me, then I would surely be in danger. It's sad how I can't be safe around the one person I'd felt safe with for the longest time.
When I joined Joël in my bed, he turned over to look at me. I didn't say anything to him, thinking he was just wondering why I wasn't in a different room.
"Was that...Dad?" he asked.
I sighed. "...Unfortunately."
"Did he hurt you?"
"No, sweetie, he didn't get to lay a hand on me. Why'd you think he'd hurt me?"
"Aunt Callie..." Joël looked like he was searching for the right words. "Elle parlait souvent...d'abus. I was worried."
"Ugh, I'm sorry you had to hear that. I get frustrated with him a lot. He doesn't like when people care about him. He doesn't like to believe the truth, so when things don't go as planned, he tries to charm his way out of the situation."
"It didn't work on you."
"He's done it to me one too many times." I chuckled. "Not something I should be laughing about, but I got used to it. Now that I found someone who showed me how I should be treated, his words...don't affect me as much."
"That's good."
"Yes, it is. Now, why don't we try and get some sleep. Your cousins will want to see you tomorrow."
"Will I get to meet the man you're seeing?"
I couldn't help but laugh. Callie sure has a funny way of teaching kids about reality. She's going to have babies speaking like they understand the world.
"He's coming next week. Now sleep."