When I return to the Bunkers that night, I still feel pretty stoned. The brownie Chris had given me was powerful, and it had been a few hours since I consumed it. However, it had a desperate thirst and need for sleep. I sluggishly walk back to my room, down the corridor where its residence was sleeping with my eyes half-opened. Or so I think.
I see Kendall and Amanda are here, with Abigail, A'Dimsyte, and Palmer, too! What are the judges doing here? It's very peculiar to see them unannounced unless it's a surprise mission or something. But it's the middle of the night! Something must be up.
I bump into Justin along the way. "Oh, sorry—" he says and then breaks off abruptly. His gaze takes in my bloodshot eyes. "Sag. Where have you been?" His eyes are red, too, not from weed but tears. "Wait. Are you...baked?"
"Like a cake," I confirm. "I was just out. Are you okay?"
Justin sniffs. "No. I'm not," he whispers. "It's Danny."
My heart stops. "W-what? What's wrong with Danny?" Immediately, I sprint down the hallway and towards his bedroom, where all the judges have conveniently gathered. Cody—the other competitor left—also took it upon himself to cry at the shocking scene.
"Oh, my goodness," Kendall shudders, pulling herself tight in the doorway.
I have to rudely move her out of the way to see if my worst suspicions are confirmed. Something terrible has happened. After blinking clouds from my eyes, my limbs heavy and weak, I step into Danny's bedroom.
Two men are taking photographs. Their cameras have such bright flashes it's almost blinding. A Seeker unties a rope from a hook somebody had purposely nailed into the ceiling. After the cord detaches, he heaves the figure towards a body bag. I watch the Seekers flip over the body, the head still tangled in the ropes. As terrible as it is, I can't help but look.
For some reason, Danny killed himself.
No! Not Danny! No. No, no, no.... "No..." I sob. "Dan—no, no, no...no...." I step further into the room, taking one final look at his face before they zip up the body for good. His eyes are still open, empty, and dark like a doll. Somebody pushes them shut. Trying to make it look like he's sleeping, but there's an evident difference. It doesn't look like that at all. Death isn't sleeping. Not even close. It means we are never going to wake up again. He is gone forever.
I'm crying my eyes out now and going into an emotional breakdown. First, I collapse to my knees, and then I vomit my entire milkshake from the Christmas party because the sight is revolting to see.
There is only one reason I can think of why Danny would do something like this. He knew his life was over if he didn't win the tournament. That he would be in prison for the rest of his life and separated from his family for, God knows, how long. The last thing he said to me was, I'm done with you. He knew wholeheartedly that he was not going to win the tournament and save his family. Add that to his drinking addiction; he decides to take the straightforward way out by hanging himself. I realize I wasn't the most depressed one in high school. This was not a last-minute decision. It had been building up for years, and I've never noticed it. Did Frankie? Or was Danny just really good at fooling others?
Abigail says no one in Nightfire has ever committed suicide in recent memory. But her stance on it was clear. Suicide, to her, is an act of selfishness. Someone who is genuinely selfless should not think of themselves often enough to desire death. Perhaps a few people may think that, but no one will ever say that aloud. However, she did. And with another casualty in the tournament, I can't see why this one would have justice like the last one.
I would rather be anywhere than in the Bunkers. To get away from the madness and cold snap of what happened this week. The elimination ceremony is as rough as a brick to the face. A'Dimsyte's harsh critiques are devastating, hearing from him how Danny is a criminal. Tonight, no one is eliminated. Because of what they have planned for the final three, we take a day of rest for Danny's passing.
On New Year's Eve, hours after the mission, I head to the rooftop of the Amphitheater. It feels strangely different, at night, to not hear the crowd screaming around the arena. Everybody has gone home for the day.
Jace is sitting on the air vent, alone, dressing casually as usual. Lily's New Year party will start soon, so I assumed he was going to dress fancier. Guess he's not going. There's a smile on his face, though there's something ambiguous about it. "How's it going, Savage?" he asks.
"Better to see you," I say. "Happy New Year."
"Thank you," Jace says. "Right now, I assume everyone is either sleeping or having sex."
"Or us," I add.
Jace snickers. "What have you been doing all day?"
I sit on the air vent with him. He scoots over to make room. "Been watching cable and eating Jell-O. Pretty much not training."
"Same." It's so peaceful outside tonight. Jace breathes in the fresh air, more than necessary, and exhales a sigh of tranquility. "I love it out here," he says. "I must tell you something, Sag. I feel good. You know what I mean? Maybe tomorrow, if you're not busy, I'll take you to this club downtown. They have karaoke. Lots of alcohol. You also have to see planet Prescyla Three at least one time."
"Sounds fun."
"Woohoo!" Jace cries as if he's drunk. Maybe he is. "I feel amazing!" He pulls out a cigarette, lights it with the zippo, and takes a puff. "Oh, my God! My life is officially a depressing, worthless ball sack. Son of a—" He breaks off laughing, so I don't know if he sincerely means that.
I laugh with him anyway. "It really is. It so is."
"You taught me that, Sag," Jace says, smiling. "I'm glad you opened my eyes to the light. Everything we're fighting for could be for nothing. Cause we're doomed at the end, when we die, anyway."
I'm not sure how I taught him that. "That's deep."
"You know what else is deep?" Jace hops off the air vent and starts stumbling to the other side of the roof. He reaches behind another air vent and starts digging through pipes and other old junk. "Let's see if this is still here from the invasion." He pulls his hand out and reveals a bottle of rum. "Cheers?"
"Are you crazy?" I ask. "How long has that been there?"
"Probably worth it," Jace says. "Alcohol doesn't go bad."
I walk over and take the bottle from him. "Cheers." I take a swig.
"So, have you heard about the mythical warrior Simon Theodore Minshew?" Jace asks me suddenly.
I take another shot from the bottle. "I don't know," I answer.
"Really?" Jace asks excitedly. "I thought my sister would have told you. He's a classic. Like you."
I shrug. "Maybe."
"Okay," Jace starts. "Simon was the greatest warrior of all time. Way long ago. Back when Prescyla Four was a planet. He would go to this very same rooftop of the amphitheater almost every single night. Now, supposedly, this was supposed to be the night—New Year's Eve—he was going to ask his lover to marry him. On this very rooftop."
I chuckle. "Go on..."
"Anyways, they did it very romantically, you know? He packed a picnic, had a bottle of wine. Everything was perfect. Until right after he asked. What do you think happened?"
"I don't know."
"Well, she was so excited to say yes that she fell off this rooftop. And died." Jace takes a moment of silence to smile, and then he bursts out laughing. "Your fiancé dies seconds after saying yes. Isn't that the stupidest piece of crap you've ever heard?"
"What kind of story was that, Jace?"
"I know. I know. It's crazy," Jace agrees. "Come on—your turn. Tell me a mythical story. I turn the tables to you, Sagittarius."
The bottle of rum rests on the air vent next to me. With my head down, I start spinning it in place for mild entertainment. "Well, there's this girl named Katherine Miller. And she was going out with this guy named Austin."
"Okay..." Jace says. "Please continue."
"And I was the only one at school who knew she was cheating on him with Danny...." Jace pressures me to add on more to the story. But I stop talking.
"That's your mythical story?" he asks with lifted eyebrows.
"Yeah," I nod.
"Did Austin ever find out?" Jace asks.
"No—"
"No. Of course not. Let me guess. You can't stop thinking about Danny, which is why you tell me this story in the first place. If Austin ever finds out Katherine cheated on him, this will never get closure because of Danny's death. Am I wrong?"
Being drunk helps me laugh. "Not entirely."
"Uh-huh," Jace says, laughing with me. "I don't think Danny turned on you, Sag. He got popular in school, and it just got to his head."
"Yeah," I agree, but I'm confused by Jace's smirking. Yet his hilarity is contagious.
"It's just...haha!" he cackles. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't be laughing. But Sag! My parents—my parents are dead! They don't decide to marry each other until I'm six years old. And finally, when he does propose, my mom falls off this stupid building, and my dad checks himself into a mental institution—hahaha! Like what?"
I chuckle. "Jace, that is so not funny—"
"Stupid Danny, there are over five-hundred guns in that sanctum, and he chooses the rope—HAHAHAHAHA!" And I laugh hysterically with him. For a good minute, too. Sometimes we'll cultivate serene, evoking the depression of it, and then laugh again to a point our ribs hurt. It's not that we're making fun of Danny's suicide or how Jace's parents died, but it really is the craziest thing we've ever heard. We are just as crazy for laughing—I don't know—but it's safe to say I'm shutting down.
For Lily's party, Chris gives me a bag of drugs. Sheets of paper with five stickers on them. Each one stamped with a smiley face. Acid. I peel a small square off the sheet and hand it to Chris. He plops it on his tongue like it's no big deal. However, my heart is hammering in my chest. I can't believe I'm going to go through with this. Finally, I stick it onto my tongue and swallow. So far, I don't feel any different. "Um, how long does this take to work?" I ask.
Later that evening, six hours before the new year begins, it starts to snow. The leftover Christmas decorations are still up in Lily and Madison's apartment. Most people from Chris's party are over tonight. The atmosphere is almost better than the last time. I'm still not used to being myself freely without worrying about judgment, and despite that, I meander outside and get away from everyone for the quiet.
I see a riot of colors. All of them in a rainbow-like oil spill on water. The stars in the sky are bright white. The aurora is green, and the city looks bright blue. Somehow, all of the colors have emerged as one. They are shooting out at me like lasers. Next to Lily's front window is a tree. I gaze at it. For a moment, I swear on my dad's life, I see a butterfly burst from a cocoon and fly away. Are these the hallucinations Chris was talking about?
I'm so enraptured by the colors and the tranquility around me, and I can't remember what I was doing a second ago. But I manage to sit down and make snow angels. My arms spread out like wings, simultaneously with my legs and feet. The snow angel is emerging underneath me, I realize...and gazing at the stars...while the flakes fall on my face...my limbs pushing back and forth...wait a minute. What am I doing here?
"Sag?" says a voice. I'm too hypnotized to reply. "Sag!" repeats the voice. "What are you doing outside?"
A face looks over me. It's Lily. "Hey there, angel...." I whisper, smiling.
Lily stands me up from the dizzy, snowy floor and gazes at the ground. There's a giant circle but resembles nothing of an angel. "Making snow angels, huh?"
"Yeah, I really wanted to make one."
"Are you cold?" she asks.
I'm wearing jeans and a T-shirt. "No, I'm actually warm. I—I have to continue to make this angel. For the military, you know?" I lie back down into the snow and start moving my arms and legs again.
"Sag, are you on something?"
I look up. "I just want to congratulate you because you're happy. Cause you deserve it."
Lily sighs. "Chris gave you LSD, didn't he?"
"Did he?" I ask. "I—I can't remember. Oh jeez. Jace was right. This does mess your brain up." The colors around Lily are popping brightly in my vision. "Oh, man. I just—saw this tree behind you, but it was a reptilian. Ten feet tall with sharp fangs. Then it was a tree again. It just lied to me. I thought you were a goner—"
Lily stands me up from the ground again. "Okay, Sag. Don't freak out. Just chill." She sounds concerned to me. "Look up," she says sweetly, and I do. Night skies here are only something I see in epic movies. "Isn't it quiet?" Lily whispers. "Peaceful."
The tension between us seems to press down on me like humid air. I say darkly, "Lily, do you think that we're all doomed?"
I somehow make her laugh again. "All the time." She reaches into the pocket of her snow jacket. "So, do you wanna wear these glasses? They'll protect you." She puts them on me. The stems wiggle to adjust on my ears. They are the Elton John, purple shades with the purple filter.
I don't respond and look back out into the sky, seeing it much clearer for the first time, regardless of the filter. For the next hour, the two of us snuggle against each other, thinking about nothing except the moment we are in right now.
Lily and I eventually rejoin the party inside the apartment. "Lily, you're so awesome," I say to her.
"Not as awesome as that song you wrote about us," she comments. "That was sweet of you. I loved it."
We meander past Madison. She's looking at herself in a full-length mirror while putting on dark blue lipstick. She'd dyed strands in her bleached-blonde hair the same color. Her sparkling, silver dress is stunning, dazzling like diamonds.
"Wow, you look so nice. Brightly colored," I mutter.
"Thank you," she says, staring at Lily and me through the mirror. Her eyes then narrow suspiciously at me. "Sag, are you okay?"
"He's fine," Lily says quickly. "I'm taking him to bed."
"See you, Madison...."
Lily helps me to the stairs. My shoes thump against the wood underneath me. Along the way, I look at my surroundings. Things look more spectacular than they are. Like everything is worth a million dollars, and everything I touch will turn to dust because it's so fragile. LSD is wondrous.
Finally, Lily and I make it to her bedroom and fall instantly into her bed. I smell that she just washed the sheets and blankets with vanilla detergent. She scoots sideways, making room for us on the bed. There's nothing strange about lying in bed with her; I've known her for months now, after running for our lives together, partying together, and hanging out.
The LSD is at its peak now. I lay in the bed, eyes wide open, and look up at the ceiling. I feel the urge to laugh as I witness the ceiling morph and move on its own! I turn to look at Lily. Her mysterious eyes are the eyes I remember when I first met at the amphitheater: friendly and welcoming, ringed by lashes with mascara and dark eye shadow.
For the next hour, we lay against each other as if it's naptime in kindergarten: shoulder to shoulder, Lily's leg thrown over mine with her toes just underneath my knees. Flat on our backs, we stare up at the ceiling as we talk and cuddle in the silence. I congratulate her for being happy and that she deserves it, but she reminds me I said that to her an hour ago. Was that really tonight?
I start to say something else, but a yawn rudely interrupts me and makes me forget what I say. "I'm sleepy...."
"Take a nap." Lily disentangles herself from me and the sheets.
"Okay," I mutter, kicking my shoes off. I close my eyes, letting my dreams take me away.
I have a nightmare about my dad tonight. Somehow it blends in with Danny's death. One moment, I'm dreaming about not making it home in time before the kidnappers brutally take Noah away. The next, Danny finds my dad lifeless and then suicides right in front of me.
It eventually wakes me up in a shock. I'm covered in sweat, shaking, and desperate for a glass of water. The drugs wore off, but my mouth is very much parched. I can still hear the party happening downstairs. Everybody is counting down. I woke up just in time for the midnight strike. It takes me a moment to remember where I am. I can hear people just outside Lily's bedroom door and then soft smacking. Kissing. Probably Madison and Alex's New Year kiss.
I throw the bedroom door open, step out into the hallway, and blink in astonishment. Witnessing something I wish I never had. If it hadn't been for my hands clutching the doorway in exasperation, I would have blown something up from the shock. It's Lily. She's not alone, though. Not by a long shot. JT is with her, a warrior I haven't necessarily liked since day one. The two of them are locked together in a passionate embrace. Disbelief washes over me as if all the air has been sucked out of the room. "What the hell?" I demand.
Lily opens her eyes in a panic. "Sag!" She steps away from JT's kiss as if it burns her. I freeze. They are both staring at me. The buttons of Lily's shirt are undone, showing a strip of a lacy bra. Her hands go straight to her shirt, quickly doing up the buttons. She looks horrified. "What are you—I mean, I thought you were asleep."
"I was," I say. I can't help but look at JT, who's staring back at me incredulously. His belt is unbuckled, and his boxers are showing. I think I'm going to throw up.
"I'm sorry!" Lily looks speechless.
"Who are you even speaking to?" JT doesn't seem pleased. Out of the corner of my eyes, I see JT shoot her a look of white rage, but when he glances at me, he actually looks hurt. "Lily, what is this?" he says. "Is he going to leave? Or—"
"You invited him to bed?" I demand, shaken. "I was sleeping!"
"No," Lily promises me. "He just kissed me goodnight."
"Yeah, is that why JT's pants are undone?" I point.
JT moves his hands so quickly to button up his pants it's almost unnoticeable. "Lily, I thought you made it clear that you weren't into him," he says.
I glare at him in disbelief. "She said that to you?"
"JT," Lily says through her teeth. "Shut up! You're not making things better." She turns to me again, looking tired. "Sag, it's late. You're high."
They've drastically worn off, still have some effects. "I can still see clearly."
"Maybe you should go back to the Bunkers," Lily advises.
"Why?" I ask. "So you can invite him to bed?"
"I didn't invite him into bed!" Lily snaps. "We were just kissing. It meant nothing!"
"Meant nothing? You need to figure out what the hell you want, Lil." JT's tone is full of mocking hurt. I can see the bright malice in his eyes and can tell he feels the same way I do. She two-timed both of us. JT walks off, down the hallway, and towards the party. It's a relief no one downstairs knows about our drama up here.
"JT..." Lily calls after him. He doesn't look back. Unexpectedly, she turns away from him. As if he doesn't matter. But she looks at me as sympathetically as she possibly can. "I'm sorry we woke you up."
Tears are burning behind my eyes. "So am I." I stalk back into the bedroom and slam the door shut behind me. Normally, people storm out of a room when they're angry, but I had to gather my shoes first. I can hear Lily following behind me. Go away, I think, but something inside me prevents me from saying it aloud.
"Look, I'm sorry, okay?" Lily says. "I wasn't intending to kiss him tonight. It just happened. I know you guys don't like each other."
"Then what was that?" I'm shocked. "He's a jerk. I thought you knew that. I thought you were better than that." I must have pressed one of her buttons, considering her temper flares.
"He's not a jerk!" she protests. "That's just who he is."
I cut a sideways glance at her. "Makes a lot of sense why you would choose him over me."
"I've never said that! We're practically related. We see each other every day because he's best friends with my brother."
"No way friends undress each other." I'm lost finding my shoes, but the search doesn't distract me from the argument. "I mean, isn't there this whole guy code about how you're not supposed to date your best friend's sister?"
"Your sarcasm is annoying the crap out of me right now," Lily warns.
"I'm not kidding around!" I bark. "Did you even know JT doesn't want me to win the tournament?"
"You don't know the full story about that, Sag," Lily defends. "He and Ryan have a lot of mixed feelings about this tournament. They just lost a friend, too, remember. Don't go there."
What a poor excuse. "Well, he could at least be a little bit more welcoming. Like Chris! He gives me drugs."
Lily groans. "Chris is an idiot."
"Whatever," I say dismissively. "I don't want to see you with JT. He can get kind of aggressive."
"You don't even know JT!" she snaps. "Why would you say something like that about him?"
"I've seen enough of him," I argue. "I've seen the way he looks at you. Like...that."
"What do you mean like that?" She mimics my lazy tone.
"The way you guys look at each other," I clarify. "It's the way I look at you, too. I've never had anyone stare back at me like that. Not even you."
"That's not fair." The poison from Lily's voice washes away. "I made myself very clear I didn't like you like that."
"God, Lily. You're so stupid!" I curse at her. "So stupid. Why'd you kissed me? Was I just your backup in case it didn't work out with JT? You're crazy. I love the real you! And you are SO STUPID FOR NOT SEEING THAT!"
Lily flinches but stands still as a statue as if no one was shouting at all. I'm staring at her, red-cheeked, and my eyes are heavy with tears. There's a long moment of great silence before I realize what I said was too cruel, and I don't trust myself to speak.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Lily dares: her volume is low.
"Lily, I'm so sorry. You're not stupid."
She doesn't reply, and she might as well kick me in the stomach. I know if she would just say, but I do love you, we wouldn't be having this argument. But she doesn't. Does she? "Another crappy way to start the year for me," I complain.
"Can you stop?" she snaps again. "Stop being like that!"
I blink at her. "Like what?"
"You are the king at throwing self-pity parties," she says. "It's not an attractive quality."
It'sthen when I find my shoes behind her, underneath the bed, and next to hernightstand. I pause, staring at them, caught in a drift at what Lily just said.I can't speak; the air has been lazily sucked out of my lungs, more drainedthan emotional now. I slip into my shoes, leave the bedroom, and close the doorbehind me with a deciding click, leaving Lily alone.