And you can't talk to me when I'm like this
Daring you to leave me just so I can try and scare you
You're the West Village
You still do it for me, babe
They all warned us about times like this
They say the road gets hard and you get lost when you're led by blind faith
Blind faith
But we might just get away with it
Religion's in your lips
Even if it's a false god
We'd still worship
We might just get away with it
The altar is my hips
Even if it's a false god
We'd still worship this love
We'd still worship this love
We'd still worship this love, ah
-
"There's not much else to say on my story now, other than it's been a very long process of self-discovery and learning. But that'll never stop, even after this is all over," Rosie said with some weariness, the day dragging on as the afternoon diminished her.
Outside the window, the sky was still grey and the rain lightly tapped against the windows, but the light had waned slightly, still clinging to the days of winter. Night was only a few hours off and Rosie was aware of how long she'd been talking, her voice faintly scratchy and her body restless to get up and walk to stretch her legs, to shake off the lingering cloud of memories that hung about here, even after vocalising them.
"Even over the last year, I realised so much about myself and my career. What I wanted. And that tour for Reputation ... it was something of a relief. I knew it'd be over soon, all of the separation, the pretending. It was still hard, of course - I don't think that was ever something we got used to. There's no getting used to being away from someone you love, especially when you can't even take advantage of the time you're together because you're just scared all the time. But we had that faith in everything working itself out in the end."
"To have spent so many years trying to make it through all of these hardships, it must have taken an incredible amount of faith to believe that this time it would stick. Didn't you ever doubt that?"
Letting out a chuckle, Rosie winced slightly. "Of course. I doubted it all the time; that's what insecurities do to you. And God I hated that I could feel so insecure and things would be so great but then there'd be something small that would frustrate one of us and it was so hard to believe that it was surmountable. When you put it all into perspective though, when you give yourself choices, there was only one option for us."
"Were there ever times you wanted to just call it?"
Blowing the air out of her cheeks, Rosie deliberated for a moment. "I mean ... yeah, but never in any serious way. We'd just be having a hard time, with Jennie shooting and me touring, and it would have been a few weeks and, as I said, there'd be those small frustrations, and I'd tell her. I'd tell her to just go when it was hard to talk to her, that we were stupid and maybe we'd been rash, and she'd say the same to me too, but I think those were just our fears, you know? When you're afraid you're going to lose someone, it's like you almost want to push them into going, just so you don't have to live with that fear anymore. When the worst has happened you don't have to spend all your time worrying about it happening."
Nodding in understanding, Nayeon uncrossed and recrossed her legs. "And what made you get through it? I mean, a lot of celebrity couples seek out therapy-"
"I think for me, I just couldn't see it benefiting me. It was never anything serious; neither of us ever considered getting divorced. We just held onto that thought of living together, having a life together. It used to feel so far away, all those years ago, but it was so close last year that we just kept clinging to that faith that soon. Soon."
With a wry laugh and a rueful smile, Rosie gestured offhandedly. "You know, I think it was a good thing I was raised Catholic; it instilled in me the will to believe in something impossible, something you can't even see. And while I may have given up on religion, I found something new to worship. My wife has been infinitely more influential in my life than any sort of belief that held me back. I don't regret shunning the country music base or the Catholic Church one bit; I can respect people that can accept and respect me, but the others - and that goes for anyone else who will have something negative to say about me - I've long since given up on trying to please."
"Does Jennie feel the same way?"
Still smiling slightly, her lips crooked as she narrowed her eyes, Rosie hummed as she ran her palms over her thighs. "Jennie," she mused, "well, she never had the complicated relationship with religion that I did, she never had to convince her family to come around to the idea of us, and she didn't have so much scrutiny to overcome by coming out, which isn't to say it was easier for her, it was just different. I think she struggled with believing for a bit too, but, I mean, we got away with it."
-
July had the most shows in the Reputation World Tour and Rosie was flat out, jet lag keeping her rundown and too many trips to London to see her mother eating into her free time, while Jennie was away shooting on location in Brooklyn for a new project. Jennie had once joked in an interview that she'd go on tour with Rosie and carry her bags, and while Rosie was happy she'd booked another role she was so passionate about, a part of her wished that their careers didn't always line up in a way that separated them for such lengths.
Still, the tour was as thrilling as ever - maybe even more so this time around, the feeling of awe and gratitude never seeming to dim with each packed out stadium she performed in front of. A part of her had thought she'd never be able to sell out a stadium tour again, perhaps not even a regular arena, but her fans were as loyal as ever and had stood by her side throughout the whole ordeal that had brought Reputation to fruition.
There was a bittersweet feeling to those nights too, standing on stage, singing songs written at her lowest and her highest points throughout the three years prior. Sure, they could stand by her through lies spread by people who saw her as competition, as a threat, but she knew that soon she'd be signing a new contract, making a public statement about her sexuality. Would they still flock to the stadiums for her then? She treated each night like it was the last time she'd ever be there, eyes bright with tears and a pang of longing in her heart as she listened to their cheers and thunderous applause.
It put her in a strange mental headspace, and the physical effects of that were no less confusing, a constant ache in her chest, the depressive moods that weren't tempered by alcohol or medication to keep her exhaustion at bay. But Rosie was doing great, she didn't need that to cope anymore, didn't like the artificial feeling of the numbing buoyancy it had brought her. She had to deal with it head-on, writing in her journals each day and reaching out to Jennie and her friends and her mum to talk.
It was the kind of help Rosie wished she'd been able to seek out before, her own embarrassment and unwillingness to disclose her private thoughts keeping most people at bay. It was almost liberating and she found herself genuinely happy as she savoured the sweet moments of her life amidst the bittersweet ones.
Immediately after Jennie's birthday, the tour had commenced, and the months wore on with infrequent meetings. It was better in North America, where they'd fly to each other for a day or a night, cherishing those few hours, but it was harder when Rosie was in London and Australia for a couple of weeks, although she did get to see Jungkook, who had championed the cause of their continuing friendship after their publicists had made public statements confirming their evident breakup when he'd told her he wanted to propose to William.
Before, it might've frightened her that she'd fall under scrutiny too, but it didn't anymore and there was a sense of anticipation. July plodded onwards to August, with fewer shows and enough time to see Jennie in New York for a day, tempering the edge of her frustration as they lay tangled in the sheets of a hotel they'd entered through the back of.
Running her fingers up and down Jennie's arm as she held her close, Rosie stared up at the dark ceiling with prickling tiredness in her eyes, loose-limbed and relaxed.
"How's the film coming along?" she murmured quietly.
"It's great," Jennie sighed with happiness, "honestly, I don't think I've ever enjoyed shooting something so much. We all got together to cook dinner and I learnt a few new recipes."
"That's great," Rosie whispered, kissing her hair, "you'll have to make them for me when we're back home."
"Mm," Jennie hummed as she nuzzled the side of Rosie's neck. "I miss you though."
"I miss you too. But things will be better soon."
"Soon," Jennie snorted, "never have I hated a word more than soon."
Shaking with quick laughter, Rosie pushed herself up slightly to look down at Jennie's shadowed face with bewildered amusement. "What's it ever done to you?"
"Its meaning is hollow, don't you think? We're always saying soon but when do we actually mean?"
Frowning, Rosie squeezed her tightly as she lay back against the pillows, her stomach knotting. "I'm almost done, I promise. Just a couple more months and then we're free. We knew it was going to be this long."
Wearily sighing, Jennie rolled onto her back and rubbed at her forehead. "Yeah, I know, but actually living it is harder. We've been married for two years in a couple of weeks and no one even knows; isn't that strange to you? I mean, this can't be what you used to imagine it'd be like to get married."
"Honestly, it is. This is exactly how I imagined it because there was a point in my life, before I met you, where I could never even imagine having a secret girlfriend, so yeah, Jen, this is pretty much the only way I ever thought I'd be able to be happy with someone. With you."
She tried to keep her frustration under wrap but failed as her words came out harsher than intended. Pushing herself up onto her elbow, stretched out on her side, Jennie pressed her palm to Rosie's stomach, the warmth of her touch bleeding into her.
"You don't need to get mad; I'm not accusing you of anything, Rosie. I just- I can't wait for the day it'll all be easier, when all of this will be worth it."
"Wouldn't it be worth it even if that day never came?"
Sighing, Jennie rolled back over and Rosie could tell that she was annoyed. Feeling her own temper flare up in retaliation, Rosie pulled the blankets over herself and turned away from Jennie, onto her side.
"You would be worth it, but it would be a sad and lonely life. We'd be frightened all the time, and I know you're scared-"
"I'm not scared," Rosie snapped, scowling into the dark, "maybe I used to be but not anymore. And just so you know, I've already thought about when."
She felt Jennie still beside her before she rolled over and threw an arm across her waist, her breath ticklish and warm against the back of Rosie's neck as she slowly replied.
"You have?"
"I'm going to do an interview. I think ... it'll be better if it comes from me instead of just ... us being photographed together, or Hyeri putting out a statement. I know we don't owe anyone anything but ... I think I want to tell it as it is - all of it."
"All of it?"
"From the beginning," Rosie whispered, her heart pounding at the mere thought of it. "Not just about us, but everything that led up to it, all of my mistakes, the truth about all of my exes and the lies and the PR stunts and you. You most of all."
"I- are you sure? That's ... a lot."
Letting out a pent up breath as she deflated, Rosie swallowed and closed her eyes. "Yes, I'm sure. It's the right way. I just- I want you to be okay with it too, because things will come up that neither of us are proud of and that's going to be talked about by a lot of people. I'll only do it if you're sure."
"Of course," Jennie murmured, pressing a light kiss to her shoulder. "If that's how you want to do it, of course."
"I'll keep some stuff out of it," Rosie said, turning beneath Jennie's embrace. "Things about you that you don't like to talk about. The depression, too much about your family, your past hookups."
"Thank you."
"And I'll do it before the album drops. I'll announce that then too, and people can listen to it for the first time and see it all the way that we do."
Jennie let out a quiet laugh, her nose bumping against Rosie's. "I like the sound of that."
"Do you?"
"Yeah."
She smiled as she kissed her, running her fingers through Jennie's hair and down her spine, melting into her touch as her frustration faded into something akin to excitement. And it would be exciting, even if it all went badly. At least she would have been honest, at least she would have kept her promise.
"I was thinking Im Nayeon," Rosie said as she drew back. "She's always great at putting people at ease and I think she'll be sympathetic to us too, which can't hurt."
"She's a good choice."
"Do you think you can manage it? Waiting that long. I'll do it in February, or March. I don't know yet, but six months ... seven."
"Yeah," Jennie softly sighed, touching Rosie's cheek in a tender manner, "I can manage that. And the album ..."
Rosie waited expectantly for a moment before replying. "What about it?"
"Are you done? Have you thought of a name?"
"Not yet," Rosie said. "Jongin and I have been finishing up a few more songs. There's a new one I finished writing yesterday though; I haven't played it for anyone yet."
"Is it about me?"
"Of course," Rosie said, shifting up and climbing out of bed to fetch her guitar.
She settled back down on the mattress and gently strummed as she tuned it, while Jennie shifted towards her, sitting behind her shoulder.
"Those are my favourite ones," Jennie said with a quiet laugh, wrapping an arm around Rosie's waist as she propped her chin on her shoulder.
"Mine too," Rosie said with a small smile before she started strumming. "I'll just sing you the chorus."
"It's you and me
That's my whole world
They whisper in the hallway, she's a bad, bad girl
The whole school is rolling fake dice
You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes
It's you and me
There's nothing like this
Miss Americana and The Heartbreak Princess We're so sad, we paint the town blue
Voted most likely to run away
With you"
"Keep going," Jennie murmured, her arms warm and encouraging around Rosie as she listened with rapt attention. Obliging, Rosie kept strumming, her voice gentle and quiet in the confines of the hotel room.
"And I don't want you to go
I don't really wanna fight
'Cause nobody's gonna win
I think you should come home
And I don't want you to go
I don't really wanna fight
'Cause nobody's gonna win
I just thought you should know
And I'll never let you go
'Cause I know this is a fight That
someday we're gonna win"
As the last notes drifted off into silence, Jennie hummed and wrapped her arms tighter around Rosie's waist. "So, I'm Miss Americana?"
"Mm. You're still that in my phone, actually."
"Should I change yours to Heartbreak Princess?"
Scoffing with laughter as she set her guitar down, Rosie twisted in Jennie's arms and pushed her down on the mattress, peppering her face and neck with kisses as she tickled her ribs.
"I don't do much heartbreaking anymore," Rosie said, laughing into the side of Jennie's neck before she kissed the soft spot behind her earlobe. "Never again."
"Come here."
"Do you like it?" Rosie shyly asked.
"I love it. And it's true; we are going to win this fight. It's me and you forever, no matter how hard it gets."
At the sudden solemnity of the conversation, Rosie held her a little bit tighter. "But easier from now on."
"Yeah. Easier. Soon."
They both laughed at that word again, but the air of uncertainty and irritation had dissipated and Rosie clung to her for those few hours. Her flight left in the morning, for another city and another show, but they laughed all night, watching movies and ordering room service, and that bubble of happiness seemed like a taste of what their life would be like one day.
Soon.