Knew I was a robber first time that he saw me Stealing hearts and running off and never saying sorry
But if I'm a thief, then he can join the heist
And we'll move to an island-and
And he can be my jailer, Burton to this Taylor
Every lover known in comparison is a failure
I forget their names now,
I'm so very tame now
Never be the same now, now
I-I-I see how this is gon' go
Touch me and you'll never be alone
I-Island breeze and lights down low
No one has to know
(No one has to know)
In the middle of the night, in my dreams
You should see the things we do, baby
In the middle of the night in my dreams
I know I'm gonna be with you
So I take my time
Are you ready for it?
Ooh, are you ready for it?
-
"Continue? Is this- this is the third beginning?" Nayeon asked, eyes lighting up with excitement.
Waving a hand as her face crumpled with amusement, Rosie laughed, "no, no, no. This isn't it. I told you - it's not all in line with our breakups and reunions. This was just ... something. A continuation."
"So you didn't get back together?"
Lips twitching with a faint smile, Rosie shook her head, a wisp of a sigh falling from her mouth as she leant back in her chair, tipping her head back and gripping the arms of the chair.
"No, we didn't. And we weren't exactly friends either. It was just sort of a ... moving on point. We both acknowledged the pain we caused each other and the fact that, no matter how hard we tried, we kept coming back to each other. It was like some inevitable doomed dance, and we couldn't stop it, so we just ... we played it by ear. That was in May ... I went on the next legs of the tour in North America and Europe. I played all the way through to the end of June, back to back shows with barely a day off the whole time. We never talked, we didn't see each other ... but I felt ... content."
She faltered for a moment as a look of fondness softened her face, a gentle warmth to the curl of her mouth and the cracks spider-webbing from the corners of her eyes. Shaking her head once more, Rosie let out a quiet chuckle.
"I still dreamt of her every night though. I couldn't stop thinking about her. Couldn't stop wondering when we'd next bump into each other. What I'd say, what we'd do. Honestly, I did delude myself into thinking that we were going to get back together. When she said continue ... I thought that was it. We'd go back to normal. It was a bitter blow to realise the truth, but I took what I could get."
-
The first leg of the North American tour wrapped up in Philadelphia mid-June before Rosie was whisked away to Germany to kick off the small European and Australian leg. She itched to play more shows there, to spend more time in London in between, immerse herself in the crowded cities of old countries where the glamour and glitz of Hollywood were reduced. London was where she was recognised the most often outside of the States, and Rosie wished she could walk the streets of Prague or Barcelona, taking her time to visit museums and tourist attractions like she used to. Instead, she went to Germany and the Netherlands, and back to England for a few shows throughout the UK and two in Melbourne.
It was Melbourne that brought the most relief, although it had been a weight off her shoulders to check in on Clare. Australia was like a breath of fresh air, familiar and comforting, from the street corners that she'd used to stand on and perform with a guitar, to the accents that made her homesick. She spent two days at her family's estate in Boxhill, drinking in the stretch of green countryside and summer flowers, wandering the halls of the house she'd grown up in with a sense of melancholy, thinking of the girl she'd been, riding horses and hating Catholic school. She'd been quick to laugh, fingers always stained with ink as she scribbled down songs, happy and free, without the burning gaze of a magnifying glass over everything she did.
The short break at her home sustained her through the rest of the exhaustion that came with touring and her life. July crept in, and with it, her annual party for the fourth at her home in Rhode Island. She flew Clare back with her, her mother looking thin and grey, always tired and exasperated by Rosie's worried hovering. It was all she could do to enjoy herself at her home, drinking too much with friends that had flown in for it. She'd considered inviting Jennie for a brief moment, with so many of their mutual friends being there, but decided against it, leaving her to spend the whole time thinking about her anyway, while Lisa plied her with drinks. And then it was back to touring again, the second leg of her North American tour taking over the East Coast.
The touring was hard on her though. Sleepless nights due to the sheer amount of travelling she had to do, with a show in a different city every night, leaving her limp with exhaustion, barely even knowing where she was. Her days became a blur of red-eye flights on her private jet, hotel rooms where she'd try to catch an hour or two of sleep, sound checks at the stadiums and hours getting ready for her shows. Meet and greets, performances that stretched until late in the evening, and then more meet and greets afterwards, before she was whisked away to another airport for another flight to repeat it all the next morning. Her eyes were bloodshot and bruised, covered with makeup and drops as she was pumped full of pills to keep her awake, her body running on fumes as she collapsed into bed without eating.
After back-to-back shows in Foxborough at the end of July, Rosie was afforded a week off before heading to Vancouver to make her way down the West Coast, and she lingered in Chicago, holed up in her condo as she tried to catch up on lost sleep. Pills kept her knocked out for half of it, but the exhaustion lingered as if it had permeated her whole body and would never leave. Feeling strung out and antsy, she would stand at her window and peer out at the street below, where fans crowded it in the daytime, hoping she'd emerge. They'd leave later on in the evening and she'd feel the tension unwind from her stiff muscles, the paranoid feeling of being watched that made her skin crawl fading for the evening. It was on one such evening, with the long hours of night stretched out before her, that Rosie finally plucked up the nerve to text Jennie, having gotten her latest number off Chahee.
[Rosie]: I can't stop dreaming about you
[Jennie]: I'm in Chicago
Rosie's heart faltered at the text that came back through, a spark of hope jolting her as nervous anticipation prickled up her spine. Licking her lips as she deliberated over her reply, Rosie's fingers tapped out a quick reply and sent it before her nerve failed.
[Rosie]: when can I see you again?
[Jennie]: tonight.
Her stomach lurched as a rush of adrenaline washed over her, and Rosie looked down at the cardigan she'd been wearing for three days and paused. Setting her phone down, she quickly jumped into the shower in the closest bathroom, hastily shaving her legs and washing her lank hair, frazzled and jittery as she washed the days of sleep and dishevelment away in a cloud of vanilla.
Changing into a baggy nightdress with dogs printed on the front, Rosie brushed her teeth and dried her hair, trying to get the fluffy strands to behave as she rushed to her bedroom, shaking out the blankets and shoving laundry into the overflowing hamper in the walk-in closet. Gathering up an armful of empty glasses - some stained with red wine, others with tea or puddled stagnant water at the bottom - she shoved them into the dishwasher and was just opening a few windows to let in some fresh air when the doorbell rang.
She paused like a deer in headlights, meeting Hank's eyes where he lay on his pillow, head on his paws and dark eyes liquid and watchful. Drawing in a deep breath, she exhaled slowly, nodding to Hank with squared shoulders.
"It'll be grand, right? We're adults. We can talk about it properly."
Hank stared up at her with an impassive look on his face as Rosie looked at him, teeth worrying at her lips as her eyes widened with an anxious, childlike look. With a quiet laugh, Rosie shook her head.
"What do you know? You're a dog."
The buzzer rang again, loud in the silence of the old apartment, and Rosie blinked before hurrying towards the intercom. She pushed the button and hesitated, feeling her heart fluttering in her chest. It was laughable that after so many years, Jennie still made her that nervous.
"Hello?"
"Hi."
Jennie's voice was quiet and reserved and Rosie's stomach lurched as she pushed the button again, trying to keep a tremble out of her reply. "I'll buzz you up now."
Hovering inside the door as she waited for Jennie to make her way upstairs, Rosie looked at her reflection in a gilt mirror hanging above a narrow antique table. In the dim light creeping in from the other end of the hallway, she looked gaunt and tired, younger than her age with the fluffy bangs around her wide eyes making her look out of her depth. Squeezing her eyes shut, Rosie drew in a shaky breath and was startled at the quiet knock on the door.
Pulling it open before Jennie could even finish, Rosie gave her a hesitant smile as she stepped back to let her in, wringing her hands as she watched her step inside. Shutting the door quietly, Jennie paused, looking at her for a moment, before a slow smile spread across her face.
"Hi."
"Hi," Rosie whispered, fighting the urge to wrap her in a tight hug.
She craved the feeling of Jennie's hands splayed across her back, the warmth of her seeping through the fabric of Rosie's nightdress, her breath hot on her cheek and her heartbeat palpable as she buried her face in the crook of her neck, breathing in the fragrance of Magical Moon. Instead, she hung back, reserved and patient.
"How've you been?" Rosie murmured, stepping further back.
"Good. You?"
Shrugging half-heartedly, Rosie gave her a grim smile, "busy. What're you doing in Chicago?"
"I'm ... moving here."
Freezing as she glanced back at Jennie, Rosie's eyebrows rose and a choked laugh fell from her lips, "what?"
"I've been offered a role in the theatre. Rehearsals start next week and the show premieres at the West End at the start of October. It's based on McQueen."
"Interesting," Rosie slowly replied, "excited?"
"Mhm. Chicago could be good."
"It could," Rosie agreed, giving her a crooked smile.
They walked through to the living room and Jennie shed the dark pea coat she wore and tossed it over the back of the rust coloured curved sofa. She looked around the place, wandering a few steps as her eyes drank in everything she hadn't had a chance to look at the last time she'd been there, and her face lit up with a bright smile at the sight of Hank.
The dog bounded over to her and Jennie scooped him up into her arms, laughing and babbling as Hank licked at her cheek. Rosie smiled as she watched them, taking in the floral dress and her brunette hair, grown out since they'd broken up, the black ankle boots and the summer tan from shooting in Arizona.
"Can I get you something to drink?" Rosie offered as Jennie met her eyes, finding herself flustered for a moment, being caught staring.
Setting Hank back down, Jennie gave her a wry smile of amusement, arching an eyebrow as she moved closer, her dress rippling around her thighs. "Or ," Jennie murmured, reaching out to pull Rosie closer, "we could just cut right to the chase."
"The ... chase?" Rosie stammered, her mouth dry as she found her face an inch away from Jennie's, too close for comfort, yet nowhere near close enough.
With gentle fingers, Jennie brushed her short hair out of her face and kissed the underside as Rosie's jaw, and Rosie's hands reached out to cradle her waist, toes curling and eyelids fluttering as the breath rushed from her lungs. Jennie's lips were soft and warm, a light tickle as they trailed down her throat. Reaching down to tangle her fingers in Jennie's hair, Rosie's eyes fluttered back open to stare up at the rafters of the loft and she drew in a ragged breath.
"Don't you want to ... talk first?" she asked, her voice uneven and faint.
"Talk?" Jennie mumbled against her neck, her teeth gently biting down over her pulse, "I figured we'd do that after."
"Okay. After. Great."
"Which way is the bedroom again?" Jennie whispered, making Rosie's skin break out with goosebumps.
She pulled her after her, turning Jennie around as she propelled her backwards, kissing her through an archway to the kitchen, through to a dining room and the hallway beyond, before turning down another corridor and pushing her through the door of the bedroom. She kicked it shut behind her and flipped the light switch, before quickly taking off the oversized shirt and tossing it aside.
Jennie dropped onto the edge of the bed and kicked her boots off, before climbing to her feet and cradling Rosie's face in her hands as she kissed her urgently. Rosie was too surprised to even question it; both of them sober, both of them wanting each other. It wasn't how she'd imagined the long talk about their feelings and where they went from there would go, but she was hesitant to question it. There would be time for talking after.
Fumbling for the ties shutting the front of Jennie's dress, Rosie pulled the strings undone and broke off the kiss to brush it off Jennie's shoulders, the silky fabric slipping free and pooling on the ground. Rosie kissed her slowly, fingers and thumbs brushing Jennie's skin as she touched her everywhere, familiar and warm. Her fingers drew circles over a particular part of Jennie's ribs, just below her armpit where Rosie knew she was ticklish, and she felt Jennie's breathless laugh ghost her lips as she smiled into the kiss. And then she thumbed the space where her Alice In Wonderland tattoo was, kissing her way across Jennie's shoulders and ducking her head to kiss the black words inked onto her skin, only to pull up short.
Jerking back with a look of shock, Rosie grabbed Jennie's arm and yanked it up above her head as she stared at the blank expanse of tanned skin, just a faint shadow of a bruise where previously there had been words. Looking back up at her with an accusing look of wounded surprise on her face, Rosie stepped back.
"You got rid of it."
Running a hand through her hair, Jennie closed her eyes, "of course I did. You put it in a song. You put it in a fucking song. I couldn't even look at myself without thinking about you. I would've thought you'd be glad no one would be able to see it and connect the dots."
The air was forced from Rosie's lungs and she let out a strained laugh, "I would've thought you would want them to."
Spluttering with outrage, Jennie's expression darkened as her cheeks coloured with anger. "Is that what you think of me? That I'd walk around flashing a tattoo that would out you? You think that's something I'd do?"
Rubbing at her forehead, Rosie closed her eyes and slumped with exhaustion. "No. No, that's not- I shouldn't have said that. I know you'd never."
"That's a shitty thing to say," Jennie snapped, a muscle jumping in her jaw as she frowned with irritation.
"I'm sorry. It just- it caught me off guard. I don't like being reminded of how much has changed between us. It hurts. When you said we could continue I just thought that everything would just ... go back to the way it was."
The anger bleeding out of her, Jennie's mouth thinned as she gave Rosie a solemn look of grim resignation, "it can't."
Breathing hitching in her throat, Rosie swallowed a small plea and nodded, fiddling with her hands as she looked down at the Persian rug they stood on. "Sorry, I- uh, I think ... I might've misunderstood," she stammered, her voice wavering as disappointment lanced through her. "When you said continue ..."
Exhaling softly, Jennie gave her a pitying look. "I didn't mean that I wanted to get back together with you."
A spasm of pain rippled across Rosie's face as she turned around to mask it, tears stinging her eyes as she tipped her head back and drew in a shaky breath. "Oh."
"I'm sorry, I should've been clearer."
"No, it's ... fine. I just- why did you come over then?"
The pause was too long for it to be comfortable and she half-turned, not quite looking at Jennie as she turned her head in her direction, but she caught the helpless shrug anyway. Running a hand over her face, Jennie shook her head.
"I just- I don't know, I thought that ... we don't have to be together to be around each other. I know things ended ... badly, but it doesn't- it doesn't mean we have to stay away, we have to miss each other. I miss talking to you, I miss having sex with you, I just thought ... we could still have that. But I shouldn't have- it was a mistake. I should go."
Reaching down to snatch up her dress, Jennie got one arm through a sleeve before Rosie grabbed her other arm to stop her, eyes wary but hopeful as she paused for a moment, mouth opening and closing.
"Will you regret it?"
"No."
Nodding, Rosie gave her a wan smile. "Then it's not a mistake."
"It's too personal," Jennie whispered, an ache in her voice.
"I can do casual," Rosie quietly assured her, more conviction in her voice than she felt.
"Can you?"
Instead of replying, Rosie kissed her softly, hoping that was convincing enough for her, and despite her initial reservation, Jennie relaxed, melting into it as she discarded her dress once more. They didn't do much talking after that, their feelings pushed aside as they dismissed their frustrations and heartache, the rush of excitement it brought and the way their hearts pounded in their chests with disbelief.
All of it faded into the background until it was just the two of them together, something familiar yet new at the same time, until it was long past midnight and they were both too tired to continue. Wrapped up in the blankets, they didn't talk much afterwards, and despite her insistence that she could do casual, Rosie's heart yearned to be wrapped up in Jennie's arms, listening to her heart slow as her feverish skin branded her.
Instead, she lay beside her on her side, looking at Jennie's face as the brunette lay on her stomach with her eyes closed. She breathed slowly through pink, bitten lips, eyelashes fluttering and cheeks rosy as her brunette hair splayed around her in disarray. With her head propped up in her hand, Rosie was left to her own thoughts, caught up in the moment as she ran through the lyrics of a song that had been playing on her mind for days, a melody coming to mind as she tapped it out on Jennie's ribs, the occasional faint note falling from her lips as she composed.
"What is it?" Jennie sleepily murmured after a while.
"I'm not sure yet," Rosie whispered.
"Sing it for me."
With a self-conscious laugh, Rosie flopped onto her back and stared up at the ceiling, the blankets pulled up to her chest as she blew the air out of her cheeks. She could feel Jennie's stare drilling into the side of her head without having to look, and Rosie closed her eyes as she smiled faintly.
" In the middle of the night, in my dreams
You should see the things we do, baby
In the middle of the night in my dreams
I know I'm gonna be with you
So I take my time"
"That's a bit bold for you, isn't it?" Jennie lazily replied, a smile in her voice as she drew circled on Rosie's arm.
"I told you; I can't stop dreaming about you."
With a snort of laughter, Jennie smiled, eyes closed and a look of blissful mirth on her face. "So that's what you dream about us doing, huh?"
"Yeah," Rosie whispered, a building pressure behind her eyes as she looked up at the ceiling again, a constricting feeling in her throat as her heart gripped it in a tightening vice. "I guess I just miss you a lot. For a lot of reasons."
"I miss you too."
They were silent for a while, and Rosie almost thought that Jennie had fallen asleep, until she'd eased herself up and reached for the dresser, feeling Jennie move beside her, the sheets rustling. Pulling out an orange pill bottle, Rosie popped the cap off and shook one out, catching Jennie's eye.
"What're you taking?" Jennie murmured, sad curiosity in her voice as she gently eased the bottle from Rosie's hand.
The pills rattled and Jennie narrowed her eyes to read the label, before looking at Rosie. "Sleeping pills?"
"I don't sleep well anymore," Rosie murmured, feeling her cheeks warm.
"You never really did."
"Do you want one?"
Shrugging nonchalantly, Jennie shook one out for herself and passed the bottle back to Rosie, before swallowing it dry. Rosie watched her for a moment, before putting the cap back on and swallowing her own, the powdery coat on her tongue making her grimace with distaste as she reached for the light switch above her bed and plunged them into darkness.
Settling back down onto her back, she lay there in the dark, feeling the threads of tension tying her and Jennie together as they lay side by side, the sounds of the city faded to a quiet hum outside the window. The silence was heavy, filled with the creaking and settling of the old building, and Rosie found herself tongue-tied as she waited for the pills to take effect.
"Jennie?" she whispered after a while, earning a sleepy hum of acknowledgement. "Can we do this again sometime? When I'm in town again."
"Is that what you want?"
She drew in a shuddering breath, filling herself up as she prepared to lie. The truth was that she wanted her in every conceivable way, ugly jealousy not wanting to share her with anyone else, but she knew that wasn't possible anymore. Whatever they'd forgiven each other for couldn't fix the fractured trust of their relationship that had left them on opposite sides of what they wanted, and Rosie knew that they would never be able to work through those differences. But she wanted Jennie in whatever capacity she could have her, so she lied.
"Yeah. No one has to know."
-
"Friends with benefits?" Nayeon slowly asked, her face furrowed with confusion. "That's ... very scandalous for you."
"I suppose," Rosie flippantly replied with a rakish smile. "But I took what I could get."
"But ... that never works. Have you never watched a romcom before? Someone always develops feelings and everything falls apart. Sorry, you're not still ... doing that are you?"
With a chuckle, Rosie closed her eyes, her cheeks dimpling with a smile as she hung her head. "We're not, and you're right. It was inevitable that it would fail, but it was fun while it lasted. And I guess the difference with Jennie and I was that we didn't have to worry about the other developing feelings and ruining things; they were already there, and things certainly didn't get any worse."
"So, hang on, this was in ... two thousand and fifteen, right? You were pretending to date Jeong Jaehyun, people thought you were secretly dating Lisa Manoban, and the whole time, you were actually off with your ex-girlfriend who you weren't even dating?"
"That's the gist of it," Rosie replied with a droll smile, "although, it was partially my fault with Lisa. We didn't exactly plan on people thinking we were dating. Fandoms have ... ships. They ship me with anyone I come into contact with, or even just who they think I'd make a pretty couple with, so, of course, they had their fun with it, and the media latched onto my closeness to my best friend. And then there was Jaehyun, and I didn't really care if that fell through, in all honesty. He was using me to boost his fame and that was just ... I didn't really give a shit, to be quite honest, because I was using him to hide the fact that I was gay. So it was all fair there, in my opinion, even if he didn't know it. But then there was Jennie and that ... that was too far in the eyes of my team. They could handle fake rumours with Lisa, but when Jennie and I decided no one would know, we meant literally everyone."
Cutting off and drawing in a deep breath, Rosie exhaled sharply and shifted forward in her seat, shoulders sloping as she leant towards Nayeon with a perturbed expression on her face as she tried to explain herself, gesturing casually with a hand.
"It was probably a mistake to do that. Things can easily get out of hand with the media, and the whole point in having a publicist is, to be frank with them and let them sort out your shit before it actually turns into a problem. Me being caught in a compromising situation with Jennie, who had already come out, would be a very big problem. I was on tour, with another album and another tour left on my contract. It didn't matter that I was a big girl now, all grown up and dominating the industry. Five years hadn't given me any leeway with Park Chanyeol, and if I caused him trouble that would affect my sales ... he'd never let me release my final album and leave the label. But I was ... perhaps a little bit stupid. A little bit cocky in my confidence that we'd never mess it up. So I enlisted Lisa's help."
Letting out a quiet, self-satisfied laugh as she smiled smugly, Rosie brushed her hair out of her face and stared at Nayeon with amusement shining in her jade eyes.
"There wasn't really much they could do to stop me from having a friend who the public thought I was dating because I really wasn't dating Lisa. And she went everywhere with me. We went to basketball games, sitting courtside drinking beer, we went to the gym nearly every day I was in Chicago, she was my date to award shows and came to family parties with me. She was in nearly every shot with me and Jaehyun, she was in Miami with me, in my pool, at the beach together, at my shows, recording in the box with the VIP guests, we went on road trips together. We would hold hands and whisper in each other's ears and it was like we were little kids having fun - at least to us - and we didn't even mean for it to happen. She was my best friend, and that was just ... the best feeling for me, to have someone who always had my back, after struggling with that growing up. And it was the perfect cover."
"Cover for you and Jennie."
"Mhm. I rented another house in Chicago to renovate my loft after I'd bought more real estate within the building, and the one next door, and Jennie would sneak in on the nights I was back in town, and no one even knew. They were too busy speculating about me dating a woman that they didn't even consider that they were looking in the wrong direction. Even though Jennie and I weren't dating."
"Well, it worked well, that's for sure."
"It did," Rosie said, looking bitterly pleased, "but it didn't change the fact that I wanted more. I knew that much at the time, but I didn't know what I wanted, exactly. Except for her. I just ... settled for what I could get. At the time, it didn't feel like settling though; it meant more to me than anything else."
"Did you ever regret it?"
"Not for a second."