Malik
The weekend goes by in a flash. Monday is here and I get to school nervous but excited. I barely slept a wink thinking about everything mom and I spoke about. It was nice having time to talk to her about these kinds of things. I know not many are blessed to have supportive parents when it comes to coming out gay or any part of the LGBTQ+ community. She helped me understand a lot about myself.
I regret not having had spoken to her sooner. She really helped me clear up a lot things I had going on in my mind. Not just my sexuality but everything. My school life, my future plans, and the dark thoughts I have sometimes. She gave me a hand to hold that I didn't know I needed. I was so used to having to fend for myself that I failed to realize that Lisa isn't like my previous families.
All night I stayed up thinking about what I was going to say to Jax or how I was going to bring up what he said at the pier. I want to assure him that his secret is safe and that I like him back. I want to share my story so he doesn't feel so sad about his own. I want to hold him like he held me and let him cry.
I rush over to the locker and grab my books. The hall floods with students and I scan each one hoping Jax pops out.
"Hey Malik" Desmond appears next to me and nudges me with his elbow when I fail to look his way.
"Hey Des" I continue looking around. My eyes darting from person to person. Why don't I see him?
"Who are you looking for?"
"Jax" I answer almost too quickly. I curse myself for sounding desperate.
"What, why?" Desmond snaps his fingers by my ear to get my attention.
"UGH, I need to talk to him that's all." I eye him for a sec and then go back to scanning.
"You need to stop talking with him period. He is a bad influence and a bully. You don't need that negativity in your life." Desmond nudges me again so I can look at him.
"I know what I'm doing Des, it's fine." I can't tell him that I like Jax. He will lose it.
"Like hell you do, stop talking to that jerk. Got it!" The first bell rings and Desmond stomps away disappearing into the crowd. I know he means well and I'm grateful for him.
I give up trying to find Jax and head to history class. I was certain I would bump into him or that he will come looking for me like he usually does. Maybe during lunch. The class ends and I go to exchange my books for second period. I look around and spot Desmond again. I roll my eyes as he charges towards me. This little runt is going to annoy me today.
"Why are you still looking for him?" Desmond snaps.
"Who are you, my mother?" I snap back and walk towards my next class. I know Desmond is trying to protect me but he also doesn't know the details of anything that's gone on.
I stand outside the door of my next class looking around the moving heads. They walk by laughing or rough housing without a care in the world. I stand like a giant and yet I am invisible. The crowd thins out and I deflate in defeat. My feet drag me inside and I take my usual seat in the back.
"Hey your Jax's friend, right?" I look around to see who he is talking to.
"I'm talking to you dweeb." He chuckles looking straight at me.
"...yes" I answer, still unsure if that's the case. I have no idea where Jax and I stand. We both have treated each other poorly and judged one another only to have had secret feelings.
"So why he skipped on friday and today?" The blond guy turns in his seat.
"And who are you?" I have no idea what he's talking about but if he was Jax's friend then he should know.
"I'm Mathew, my brother told me that he showed up at his trailer in the evening and looked completely out of it then drove off after a few beers. Now he skips school today. I tried hitting him up but he didn't answer." Mathew shrugs his shoulders and turns his head when the teacher walks in.
"I don't know anything. I last saw him around lunch on friday. That's it." Mathew nods his head and turns back around.
So he isn't here today. It makes sense since he wasn't looking for me or anything. I don't have his number either so I can't text him to see if he is okay. I slump in my seat. His crying face is all I see now. He ran away from me feeling the way that he did and then ends up drinking. I didn't think he drank since he was on the swim team. I really hope he got home safe. He shouldn't be drinking and driving like that. No one should.
The class ends and I have no idea what the teacher even said. I grab my books and head to my last class for the day which is an elective. I pull out the painting I was working on and start reworking some of the colors. I grey out a lot of it and give it a sort of muted feel. Only the blues and a few greens are left with a sallow yellow mixed in. It's a self portrait but more abstract than anything else.
I take a step back admiring what it is turning into. I can feel so much of my thoughts in the painting and how the colors are swirling with one another. By no means am I an expert but I always had a fascination with art. I love the diversity, the versatility, the expression, and how a small moment in time could be captured for eternity.
My teacher comes around and looks at it. She examine it, gets closer, steps back, and then close again.
"Why are you crying inside?" She turns to me with a sad curve to her lip.
"How did you know?" I smirk.
"It shows, keep it up. Paint with your tears until you run dry. Then smile for me, okay?" Mrs. Keller pats my shoulder and walks away. She has to be one of the few teachers I will miss when I leave. I lean my painting against the window just as the bell rings. I clean up my easel and make my way to the lockers. My reflection in the mirror really does look sad. I guess she was right that it shows even though I know she was referring to the painting.
I close the locker and head to my car. I don't want to deal with the nosey bodies in the cafeteria. I rather eat in my car. I cross the lot and sit in the oven that is my car. I crank the engine and put my air on blast. It's almost the end of the month and the weather is definitely warming up. I open the lunch bag pulling out a sandwich I had made in a hurry. I throw my head back letting the air conditioner cool me off a bit. Sitting in the lot feels odd and I honestly rather leave. Taking a big bite out of my sandwich, I put it back in the lunch bag and drive off.
The beach comes to mind. Some time at the pier doesn't sound too bad. I start my way in that direction and park where I usually do. Thankfully the drive to the beach isn't too long. I grab my lunch and step out of the car when I spot a familiar vehicle. No way. My heart begins to race. Either that or I am developing a severe case of heartburn from the horseradish. I speed walk to the pier trying not to look like a psycho but I am pretty sure I do anyways. When I get closer my heart begins to beat faster than humanly possible.
In the distance I see a figure looking out into water but it is too far for me to be sure it's him. Step by step I make my way to the figure. Dampness exudes from my hands. Beads of sweat race down my back. The little bit of hair I have on my arms stands on end. Half way there my heart stops. It's him. It's Jax.
I go to call out to him but my voice won't come out. Why won't it come out? I reach out my hand and touch his shoulder but as my finger tips caress the cotton of his shirt a giant wave crashes against the pier. We are hit and I scream awake. What the hell? I was dreaming? I wake up in my car sweating. I somehow fell asleep with my sandwich in my hands.
I look around and the school still seems to be in session. The time on my dash says it is only one in the afternoon. I quickly put the car on drive and head home. That dream was too vivid. I was positive I was there. I even felt happy that I was finally going to see him. Nervous as hell but really happy. I pull up to my house and finish my sandwich in the car before heading inside. Lisa, er, I mean, mom doesn't seem to be home yet.
I remove my shoes at the door and carry them upstairs along with my bag. I change into comfortable clothes and begin my homework. My mind is still a little rattled at how that dream ended but more than that I can't shake off the feeling I was experiencing as I approached him on the pier. All these emotions I never felt before were coursing through me. I close my book and sigh into my hands. The shape of Jax's back. His dark hair and fit build are still so clear in my mind. Even the feel of his shoulder against the tips of my fingers still lingers as an after thought.
My briefs tighten. Shit, thats a first. I grab a towel and go to the bathroom. I put some low fi on my phone and set the water to hot. My shirt and shorts come off and I look down at the outline of my hard on. That is definitely a boner. I pull down my underwear and my member springs to action. I have never had this experience before. The only erection I have ever had was in the morning but thats it.
I climb in the tub and let the hot water hit me. More images of Jax flood my mind. His smile, his voice, the way he looks when he swims. Yes, I admit I have seen him a few times in competitions but only because Desmond would force me to go watch. I let my hands freely roam my body unsure if I should do what I have never done or leave it be until it goes away. I grab it and I flinch at my own hand. I can feel myself growing more picturing Jax as the one holding me.
I let go, unable to bring myself to jerk off. I want to but it doesn't feel right. Especially with how things are right now. I finish bathing myself and then switch the water cold. Instantly my erection goes away. I shiver my way out the tub and change back into my clothes. My birthday is on wednesday. I will finally be eighteen. Maybe I can tell him on my birthday how I feel about him. The room remains quiet as ever. The air conditioner is humming softly through the house and after that hot shower, I am ready to nap.
Let's just hope he shows up tomorrow.
.......................
Hello my lovelies,
Damn, that dream though!
Do you think Jax is okay?
XOXO,
Lizzy