PAIGE
I wake up angry. The first thing I know is that someone is pounding on our front door. The second thing I know is that my anger isn't subtle, it's consuming. Outside the sky is inky black, so I know it must be late, but after falling asleep I'm not sure how late or even what day it is.
Sitting up, I realize I'm still in the clothes Rhia put me in and Damon is warm and silently sleeping to my right. I take his hand and squeeze it between my fingers. Then I lean over and kiss his lips softly, afraid of hurting him. I drag myself out of bed and stalk to the front door feeling tense and hot. I swing open the heavy door with a growl only to be cut short by Arlo standing on the other side of it. I know I'm not ready to see him. My stomach drops.
He stirs up something inside of me that I don't know if I'm ready to face. When I see him, I think about what Tye told me. And thinking about Tye brings back everything from that night. Everything I had been so desperately trying to block out. I need Damon before I can even begin to process.
Arlo's smile falls slightly as he reads my face. "I'm glad you're okay," he says kindly. My face must look horrible.
I can't respond to that and it's completely rude. Instead, when my mouth opens the words tumble out. "Did you change her? The day you last saw her. Was that what the fight was about?"
The Alpha's face completely falls as he recalls that day. His own expression relays his devastation, either by what I know or the history that occurred that night. Arlo stands there, tall and strong and solemn. He looks old and unbearably tired in that moment. "Yes, Paige. I changed her the last day I saw her."
I slam the door in his face.
I stumble into the kitchen without any ability to stop crying. My sobs are so violent that I am screaming out in agony. My cries are choked by the hitching of my breath as I collapse on the hardwood flooring. When I close my eyes I see the picture of my mother with the bullet hole in her chest. I see my father closing over me with his hands locked around my throat. I see his eyes roll back in his head as I put a bullet through his body. I see Damon tied to the pole, Damon in the conibear trap, Damon bleeding to death. I see Tye over me and under me and his fists turning my skin black and blue and red. When I close my eyes, the things I try so hard to put away refuse to leave me. They cling to my skin like grime, guilt so thick that I writhe on the hardwoods until I can no longer sob. My pain is so severe, I know a hole has opened up in my chest. I am swallowed whole by my grief.
Curling into the fetal position, I silently shake with heaving sobs that squeeze my lungs tight. Closing my eyes leads me away from the house and deep into my thoughts. I don't want to think about the pain and the trauma that took hold of my life. But I do.
And slowly, it all comes back to me.
It takes me hours to pick myself up off the floor. But I do.
Without understanding what I am doing, I make my way to Damon and pull the armchair up to the side of our bed. Before I sit, I check his IV fluids and the insertion site like Alkaline showed me. I feel unbearably numb, as if my mind is trapped deep inside a body that runs on autopilot. The feeling reminds me of when I was first brought into this pack, how angry and cruel I had been. I recall the feeling of that inner part of myself- the part my mother took with her when she died- that was kind, understanding, and sweet trapped beneath my cold exterior. I locked that girl up and buried her alive, so deep I feared I would never see her again.
"I'm going to take care of you." I promise him, sniffling. "Just like you took care of me."
In Damon's presence, I am reminded of the guilt I felt when I initially recognized what he meant by mates. It was a feeling I squashed down so small that I managed to ignore it for a long time. But looking down at his face, I recall the relationship I once had with Tye. Knowing what I do now, after seeing his dead body crumpled and unrecognizable in the snow, I wanted to wretch. I swallow down the urge. Bending over, I check the amount of urine on his collection bag from the catheter Alkaline had put in for him. It looks fine, like he said.
Sitting down in the chair, I stare off as my mind recalls the days where I allowed the traitor into my room. The months after and in between where I allowed other strange men into my room, as if that would have filled some part of me that nothing was able to touch. It was grief and anger that drove me on. I learned to lie, it was the only way to cope. Tears slid silently down my cheeks. My heart squeezed so tightly I was afraid I wouldn't be able to breathe again.
I begin to remember my father. Once I had idolized him and taken only his word. He was strong and unbending, I wanted to be just like him. But even he lied; about my mother, about the wolves, his men, his profession, and his love. I know now that he pushed my mother away and destroyed her spirit. I know now that everything he ever did was for his own benefit. In the end, he was willing to take away the only thing I loved. And then he was willing to end me.
My hand raises to my throat as I recall his hands locking around it as his crumpled face held over mine. I remember how tight he squeezed, like he was trying to end me quickly as he screamed. Then I pulled the trigger and the pressure released all at once. I was numb and torn apart. As if I had been caught right between death and life. The ugly middle ground where I couldn't tell if I wasn't feeling at all, or feeling everything all at once.
My breath is shuddering out of my body, hitching with each squeeze of my chest. I get up, hesitating at the end of the bed by Damon's legs. My hands shake so badly as I go to lift the blankets over his injured leg. My vision flashes and I'm flying through the air and into the snow, paralyzed from the injection. Damon is caught in the conibear trap and his blood is sharp in the cold air. The snow around him is already red. His face is pinched from the pain as he grunts out, reaching for me only to groan from the skin of his leg snagging on the sharp teeth of the trap.
Despite the shaking, I attempt another deep breath and pull the blankets away from his leg. The wounds are wrapped from his knee to the heel of his foot. I can't help the sob that escapes. This is all my fault. Wiping my tears with the heel of my palm, I wash my hands and pull on gloves. I go through the motions like Alkaline instructed, checking the pulses on his feet, along with the color and temperature. I compare it to his other foot and write it down on the pad that sits on the end table. Then I slowly unwrap his bandages.
I feel lightheaded and dizzy the closer I get to the gauze that are still red with blood. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I slowly pull the gauze away to reveal the extent of the wound. But it isn't as bad as I thought. He is healing. The thought manages to soothe the internal worry that I didn't know I had. I grab the cleaning supplies and go through the motions of cleaning the wound. You can see where the jagged teeth tore the skin all the way to the bone. Alkaline sutured it up nicely though.
Carefully, I redress his leg and cover it with the blankets once again. I throw the gloves away and lay down next to him once again. This time I climb under the blankets and bury my nose in his neck. He still smells the same, like pine trees, soil, and wolf. I close my eyes and inhale his scent until I fall asleep.
I awake again with a jolt to the sound of knocking on the front door. This time when I open my eyes it's light outside, but the bedside lamp is still on and Damon is still out. I listen to the knocking for a few more minutes before whoever was outside gives up and leaves. I can't bring myself to let anyone in yet. My brain feels too full to properly handle any more. There's nothing wrong with this, I tell myself. It's good to have alone time.
The thought reminds me that I can't remember when I last ate. I press a kiss to Damon's temple and slip from our bed. My body still feels heavy, my chest and throat still hurt from my injuries, and my mind is aching from everything that has happened. But I feel better than I did yesterday and that means there's still hope. I know there is still hope for me.
In the kitchen, I make some toast with Damon's homemade apple jam and some coffee. While I stand by the sink, listening to the hum of the toaster and the gurgle of the coffee pot, my eyes drift outside. The snow is receding by the day, leaving behind more mud puddles and soggy underbrush. The conifers are swaying softly in the wind. It looks cold out.
I slide open the back door and step onto the patio. My bare feet are instantly numb from the cold. But the air feels so good through my clothes. The wind is brisk and rips right to my core, carrying my hair all around my face. Closing my eyes, I let my arms fall away from my body and my head tips back. In that moment, I just breathe. I try to remember who I really am and not who I was trying to be for so many years.
I don't have to protect myself anymore. I know that with all of my heart. Damon had made it clear so many times. Taking another deep breath, I hold it for a moment, and then slowly exhale. With that exhale I let go of all of those years. I let go of the lying, the hiding, the fear and anger. I sink into my body in this immediate moment. I remember the kindness I once cherished, the love I gave out without fear, the laugh that I buried, the strength that I held just because of the way I was. I could be brave, honest, and strong without the cold exterior. I could love my mate without guilt. I could be apart of a real family. I vow to do those things.
Tears fall down my face and I laugh breathlessly at how good it feels to be in this moment. To be free of the burdens that held me down for fall too long. The feeling is incredibly freeing and I cry out in relief. I know my mother would be so proud of me. The thought makes me cry again. I miss her so much.
After a while longer, I wipe my face and take another deep breath. I return inside where my coffee is waiting. I eat my toast and poor a mug. My hands run over the island counter that Damon crafted himself. My eyes shift up to see the wooden light fixtures, the handmade cupboards, and the paneled walls. I see the whole house in a new light. I see him in a new light. I owe him a major apology.
I finish my coffee and rinse the mug before returning to the bedroom. At his bedside, I check everything once again and press a kiss to his mouth. I head to the bathroom, leaving the door open as I take a long hot shower. When I get out, I feel even better. I focus on that feeling. All of the little things that add up to make me feel minutely better.
As I leave the bathroom, Damon twitches and I freeze. And then his arm jerks away from his body. Quickly, I pull on a sweatshirt and leggings, leaving my hair hanging damp down my back. I rush to his side, taking his hand tightly.
"Damon?" I whimper.
He lurches awake, his eyes snapping open. His pupils are blown out and I recognize the stink of fear leaching from his skin. His breath is panting out, chest heaving up and down. I realize his mind isn't here.
"Hey, hey... It's okay. You're okay." I soothe him, resting my hand on his cheek and trying to lay him back with my other hand on his chest.
Slowly he calms back down, his eyes focusing in on me and coming to the present.
"Fuck, Paige," his voice is gruff and deep from the lack of use, sending shivers down my spine.
"I'm right here," I say softly, rubbing his stubbled cheek with my thumb.
"You're okay- you're alive," he whimpers, grabbing my hand in his. "I don't... I can't remember anything after..."
"Cody, Faith, Alkaline, and Arlo came. You saved me, Damon."
My mate shakes his head, a tear running down his cheek. His body slumps back into the bed, exhausted. His one hand comes up to rest over his eyes before running down his face with exasperation. "I almost lost you, Paige. I wasn't there for you when you needed me most."
My mouth opens and closes, unsure of what to say. He's guilty? After everything I caused? "What are you talking about?" I choke. "I started this, I almost got you killed. No, I almost killed you, Damon. How can you blame yourself? It is my fault you're laying in this bed right now and it's my fault that we had to go fight them in the first place."
Damon's eyes meet mine and the seriousness of his gaze freezes me to my core. "It is not your fault, Paige. What happened up there was insane, and I wish you never had to go through any of that." His eyes closed momentarily and he shivered. "I'm just trying to grip the fact that I almost lost you. You're right, it isn't my fault. But it damn well wasn't yours either." His large hand engulfs mine.
"Okay," I whisper back, my eyes falling to our hands as my lower lip trembles.
"Baby," he murmurs, tipping my chin up so my eyes meet his. Then his eyes roll over my bruised face and neck until my skin becomes covered by the mock necked sweater Rhia put me in. He shivers again, this time with anger. His teeth are clenched as he is reminded of his guilt once again. "You stopped fighting. When Tye finally revealed what he did you told him..."
My lower lip wobbles again and I let go of his hand to cover my face as I finally allow the memories to resurface from that night. Beginning with the altercation in my father's house to Tye lifting me by my throat until the world ran black. Despite the trauma of everything that night, the part that hurts me the most is the truth behind what Tye did to my mother.
Tye had stalked her for weeks, growing increasingly enraged and jealous at her apparent disrespect for the mate bond and the fact she had two lovers while his had been slaughtered right in front of him. When he killed her, he was thinking of no one but himself. I know now that his attempts to move in on me may have been guilt, desperation, or loneliness. But in hindsight I want to erase every memory of him, knowing what he did and knowing that I let him into my room, into my life. Real or not, I felt dirty and guilty.
My sobs break out of me at such an intensity that my back curls and my whole body shakes. Damon's hands are on me, squeezing my biceps, trying to ground me.
Then, it hadn't been the first time my father had threatened me, not the first time he had laid a hand on me either. But it struck me deep, seeing his face over mine as his hands strangled me. Feeling the weight of his body collapse down on mine after the deafening crack of the gun went off. My past becomes an increasingly difficult thing to bear.
I lean over from my seat at the side of the bed and bury my face in his chest while Damon holds my head to him, murmuring into my hair as I scream out in agony.
The memory of my father ordering to kill Damon, chained to the pole where I had seen so many other wolves executed. Or Tye pressing the barrel of the shot gun between Damon's shoulder blades as he glared down at me in the snow. I had almost lost him again that night, the thought hurts me more than I ever thought it could have.
And finally, Tye's story had been the last piece to fracture me apart. I had given up, something that I felt I had to do. I try to slow my breathing as my sobs quiet to whimpers. Damon's chest is wet with my tears.
I manage to admit it. He only ever deserves the truth. "I gave up," I whimper in response. "I thought that maybe the distraction would be enough for you to get out. All I wanted was for you to live. But also, I was selfish. And he broke me when he told me what he did. I just..." I struggle to breathe, looking into his eyes. "Tye and I had history. And I can't believe I let him into my life knowing what I do now. It makes my fucking skin crawl, I feel sick by the fact that he killed her and had that power over me..." I sob again, covering my mouth with my trembling hand. Damon is silent but his eyes show his concern and empathy.
His hands rub my arms and I am grateful for his touch.
"I did terrible things growing up after she died, Damon. I destroyed myself. Everything combined is so much to try and bear all at once and it broke me. It broke me." I cry out, tears streaming down my face.
Damon's eyes are wide and he takes my face into his hands. "You are not broken," he says determinedly. "You are the strongest fucking person I know."
I shake my head, disbelieving.
"I am serious. You are, Paige. I don't know a single wolf who could have lived through what you did and make it this far. Look at you, you survived. You earned your life up there, and now you get to live." His voice is fierce with certainty.
Placing my hands over his, I cry silently, touched by his words.
"There is always a price. Maybe you did give up after what Tye said. But that is a hell of a lot longer than I would have ever lasted in your place. Maybe I am wrong, you didn't need me to help you fight. But I promise you, I will never let you fall again. You don't ever have to worry again because I will never let things get as far as they did that night." He pulls my face forward to press his lips firmly to my forehead. "As for the past... Time heals, Paige. This is not something you have to work through all at once. You don't have to hold it all in, either. I am here for you and I am never leaving your side. We have the rest of our lives for you to heal, and I will help you."
I touch my forehead to his, squeezing my eyes shut to fight back the tears at his kind heart. My body feels a little lighter since he woke up, less burdened by the things I released from inside of me and the way his words seem to soothe me. "I'm so sorry, Damon. I am so sorry for everything I have done to you. You have been endlessly kind and all I have been is cruel. I love you so much. I am so sorry."
His hand circles the back of my neck holding my head to his, "Paige, I love you with everything I have. None of that matters now. I forgive you, my mate."
I cry as I press my lips to his. He welcomes my kiss with everything he has. When we pull away slightly to rest our foreheads together, we're breathless and my heart is full with my love for this male.