𝙞 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞 𝙖𝙢 𝙖𝙣𝙮𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚. 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙞 𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙠 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙢𝙞𝙧𝙧𝙤𝙧, 𝙞 𝙨𝙚𝙚 𝙣𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙖 𝙡𝙤𝙨𝙩 𝙨𝙤𝙪𝙡 𝙩𝙧𝙮𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙛𝙞𝙣𝙙 𝙞𝙩'𝙨 𝙬𝙖𝙮 𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙙𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙨𝙚𝙖 𝙤𝙛 𝙢𝙞𝙨𝙚𝙧𝙮. 𝙞𝙨 𝙢𝙮 𝙨𝙤𝙪𝙡 𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙥𝙥𝙚𝙙 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧? 𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙗𝙤𝙙𝙮 𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚, 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥 𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙛𝙞𝙣𝙙 𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙬𝙖𝙮 𝙤𝙪𝙩.
𝐳𝐞𝐧𝐞 𝐚𝐮𝐫𝐚 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭
———
"get it together zene." i looked into the mirror trying to relax myself.
i stared at my roughed up appearance. i look like i just went through hell and came back to earth.
my normally groomed hair is in the same bun that it has been in for the past week. my bright red eyes had dark circles and bags around them. my face was pale, i hadn't eaten in days and i look an absolute mess.
⚠️TW: SELF HARM⚠️
i rolled up the sleeves of my hoodie, staring down at the old scars of slits going down my left arm.
"okay." i breathed out going into my cabinet that had a fresh package of blades.
i grabbed one out of it, and tears fell out my eyes as i slid it smoothly across the previous wounds, making deeper cuts.
"fuck." i hissed as my wrist started bleeding out and i threw the blade on the counter.
grabbing my weed tray, i sat on the floor and began rolling up as blood trickled down my hand and onto the tray.
i reached over and grabbed a lighter from off of the floor before sparking up the blunt.
taking a long pull out of it, i blew smoke out of my nose and mouth.
i spent about an hour there on my bathroom floor, just laid out thinking about everything.
i got up and rinsed the dried up blood off of my hand before going back into my messy bedroom.
i don't even know where my phone is, i threw it somewhere and i'm almost 100% positive that it broke.
grabbing the picture of my father and i off the nightstand, i laid back on my bed staring at it.
"damn pops, really been four years without you already." a tear fell out my eye as i admired the way he smiled at me in the picture.
"nae." i heard and then looked up at who was there.
"ya door was wide open girl the fuck wrong witchu?" sai asked walking over to me and pulling me up into a hug.
"zene bruh." he pinched the bridge of his nose holding onto my arm.
"bro don't touch me." i yanked it away from him and rolled my sleeve down.
"why the fuck you cutting yo self again?" he raised his voice.
"get out my house sayair."
"nah cause it seem like every time you start getting better you force yourself to go back down the same fuckin path." he said picking up some stuff off my floor.
"every single year."
"i'm tryna help you zene, why you don't atleast try to help yourself?"
"it's not that fucking easy!" i yelled about to walk out the room and he pulled me back by my hoodie.
"lower yo tone when you talking to me and sit the fuck down." he sternly said staring me dead in my face and i rolled my eyes and sat the fuck down.
"sayair you just don't understand." i wiped my eyes.
he ran his hand down his face.
"help me understand. you keep saying ion understand but you won't communicate and help me." he sat next to me.
"you scaring me bruh....it's like ion know what to expect from you anymore."
"you losing yaself more and more each day and it's just so fucked up cause you don't realize it."
"and when i try to help you, you don't let me."
"i'm sorry sai." i started crying and he wrapped his arms around me.
"stop being sorry mama, you needa be telling yourself sorry. not me." he put his hands under my hoodie and rubbed my back.
"you not alone nae. stop trying to make it seem like you all alone on this. i'm with you aight? i already told you we gon get through everything together."
"you heard?" he asked and i nodded in his chest.
"stop crying." he mumbled in my ear and i instantly calmed down.
he stood up and i stood up also, never letting go of his torso making him smack his lips.
"don't leave me bru." i held him tighter.
"i'm not leavin you." he walked us into the bathroom and i sat up on the counter.
"you was smoking?" he asked seeing the rolling tray on the floor and i nodded.
he gently rolled up my sleeve and grabbed a cotton pad with some alchohol.
"you coulda used peroxide." i flinched as he was about to start cleaning it.
"nah you deserve this for doing bullshit." he walked between my legs and started wiping the cuts and blood.
"SA-" i started screaming
"shh shh shhh." he looked up at me and covered my mouth.
"nasty ass hand." i mumbled as he started wrapping my arm up with a bandage.
"too tight?" he asked and i shook my head no.
he pulled my face down to his and kissed my forehead.
" ian even gon hold you." he rested his arms on the side of me.
"what?"
"you look dead as fuck." he laughed and i rolled my eyes.
"i'm fuckin witchu but when last you ate?"
"ion even know." i sighed resting my back on the mirror.
"come on." he tapped my thigh.
"lemme get on ya back." i turned him around.
"nigga you fragile as hell." i laughed jumping on his back.
"you just big as fuck."
"only thing big about me is my money and this ass okayy." i said and he chuckled walking downstairs.
"awww you brought me wings." i smiled sitting down at my island.
" i had a feeling you didn't eat." he mumbled grabbing me a water out the fridge.
"your bestie senses was tingling?" i asked and he straight faced me.
"when you done go get dressed aight." he said walking upstairs and i nodded.
after i finished eating and washing my hands i jogged back up the stairs to my room.
i opened the door and saw that my room was fixed and clean again.
"sai stop bruhh you finna make me cry." i gave him a hug.
"get off me." he pushed me and i punched him in his stomach.
"always wanna fuckin play." he put me in a choke hold and pushed me in the closet.
"you always abusing me." i shook my head picking out an outfit.
"you hit me first." he said walking out
i took off my hoodie and the shorts that i had on before picking up the long sleeve blue crop top and the black ripped jeans that i picked out.
imma wear blue for my pops today, it was his favorite color
"my phone in here?" sai burst through the closet and i covered my titties even though i had on a bra.
"get outtt!" i tried my best covering myself.
"nigga ain nobody lookin at them lil ass door knobs." he laughed picking up his phone.
"get out sayair!"
"get out sayair." he mocked me.
"i'm serious stop playin!" i pushed him out and locked the closet door.
i put on my outfit before putting on my university blue jordan 4's
i walked out the closet and back into my bathroom before grabbing the stuff to do my hair.
"you should try on one of them lace shits." sayair stood behind me playing with his hair and looking at himself in the mirror.
"i never had one before." i mumbled slicking my hair down into a slick back.
"did i not just say you should try one." he sarcastically asked and i straight faced him through the mirror.
"why you took this off?" he asked picking up the matching chain that our fathers got for me, him, fendi, ej, and t3 for christmas.
they had star pendants on them, and the back said "till infinity"
my dad said that each point on the star represented one of us.
"i didn't, it probably fell off when i was sliding down the wall bout to unalive myself." i shrugged
he came closer to me and put the chain back on.
"how i look?" i turned around.
"ugly as fuck." he scrunched his face up
"i'll really beat you tf up." i said
he lifted his shirt up showing his gun in the waistband of his jeans.
"what you want me to cry?" i laughed.
"you gon die fuckin wid a g." he pulled his gun out and shook it around.
"you should get a green beam." i suggested.
"i got one."
"get a blue one."
"you should get it for me."
i tooted my lips to the side and he pulled me next to him and put his arm around my shoulder.
"we look good take a picture." he put my arm around his torso and i raised my eyebrows.
"my phone broke."
"hmm." he handed me his phone and i flipped the camera around.
he turned on the beam and pointed it at the mirror and i smiled and took the picture.
"ugly ass." he chuckled saving the picture and putting it as his lockscreen.
"cmon let's go." he said.
we got in the car and he started driving in the direction of the cemetery where my dad was buried.
"bruh i'm not finna go do this." i looked over at him.
"you want me come witchu?"
"no." i said.
"well go head, imma be waiting on you." he leaned his seat back and i sighed before getting out of the car and walking over to my dad's gravesite.
i took a deep breath in before sitting in front of it.
"atleast you still clean." i chuckled.
"i miss you man." i held my knees up to my chest.
"i miss you a lot, and sometimes i go to your house and sit on the couch, still thinking you gon walk through that door again." i shook my head.
"the fact that you gone forever still ain't clicking in my mind pops." tears filled my eyes.
"i wore ya favorite color today, even though i used to hate this shit when i was little." i said.
i stopped talking for a minute and looked up at the sky.
"just come back bruh." i burst into tears and laid my head on my knees.
"it's gon be ok." sai came out of nowhere and wrapped his arms around me.
"i need him." i sniffed and he wiped my eyes with his shirt.
"he still with you zene, i promise."
"remember when he used to pick us up from school and he always used to play ne-yo." he said and i chuckled at the memories.
"nigga used to be singing his lil heart out." i smiled.
"i miss him so much."
"i miss him too mama." he rubbed the side of my face.
it was starting to rain so we got up and went into the car.
when sai started the car, i looked at the time and it said 4:44
just as i was about to say something, so sick by ne- yo came on the radio and it rained harder making me get chills.
"sayair?"
"i see it too nae, relax im right here." he interlocked our fingers making me calm down a bit.
my emotions are all over the place right now.
"see what i said?" he asked and i nodded.
"sooo sick off love songgsss." he started singing off key making me laugh.
"i love you sai, thank you a lot foreal." i looked over at him.
"i love you." he kissed the back of my hand
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this chapter is emotional and depressing i am so sorry
i'm tryna add some spiritual shit into this book so likeyeaaa
it's floppin but ian trippin imma just be patient😂😂i love writing this