Goeun POV
When I finally got home, I let out the waves of tears that I kept holding on to from the school clinic.
Minho wants to send me home but I insisted not to, besides he's busy with his subjects.
I don't understand how we get into this situation. Minho would probably hate me for not telling him the truth but I don't dare to even utter those words in front of him.
I managed to take a bath despite my wobbling legs, I cleaned myself, and take my time processing everything that had happened for the past few days.
We've been careless.
And what makes me feel more guilty is not knowing about the existence of the little soul inside of me. Why I haven't thought of it?
I feel so stupid.
Sohee is right. We are disappointing. What would our parents think if they found out? If it's still on me, do I have the courage to keep it? They will probably force me to stop going to school and Minho will be forced to leave his studies too and find a job to support me. Will he support me?
I fell asleep with a heavy heart and a confused mind, there's a lot of different thoughts that come in and out of my head.
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The sun shines brightly, hitting my glass window that I left open last night as the curtains dance along with the wind.
I just woke up, got more than eight hours of sleep but instead of feeling full energized, I feel weak and empty in a way I couldn't explain.
I don't feel like moving out of my bed today. I'm not even hungry. I just want to be stuck in here and be covered by my thick bed cover.
My unborn baby suddenly crossed my mind as I caresses my bare stomach. "I'm sorry..." A tear escaped my eyes. "I didn't mean to lose you or deny your existence...I just don't know you were already with me. I'm so sorry..."
I stayed on my bed for a long time until Appa barged in. "Don't you have classes today?"
"I do. I'll skip for now Appa. I feel tired." I respond and cover my body with the bed cover.
"Are you alright?" He asks with prying eyes and I nodded instantly.
"Yeah. I'm just tired Appa. I'll take my breakfast after you leave." I replied. Gladly he believe and left me alone.
Other tears fall off my cheeks after hearing my father's concerned voice. I sob again while covering my face with my pillow so no one would hear me.
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I woke up again with Choco playing with my hair and face in my bed. "Noona, noona!" He cheerfully called out.
I checked my wall clock and it's nearly 10 am in morning. I perhaps fall asleep while weeping. "Why are you here? Where's your nanny?"
"Cooking!" He exclaimed then waves my phone in my face.
"Oh! My phone, give it to me."
"It's playing music." He said that made my eyebrows pursed. How would my playlist play? Choco doesn't even know my password.
I shrug and check my phone instead.
My eyes widened with 47 missed calls and 12 messages plastered on my notification.
Most of them are from Minho while the others are from Sohee and Hyeyoung.
I check Minho's messages first.
Take your dinner.
- From Boyfriend
Yesterday 6:53 pm
I'm done with my quizzes. Can you check my paragraphs, babe?
- From Boyfriend
Yesterday 7:40 pm
Are you done with yours?
- From Boyfriend
Yesterday 8:27 pm
Still not done?
- From Boyfriend
Yesterday 9:00 pm
Still up?
- From Boyfriend
Yesterday 10:00 pm
Sorry, I dozed off. Beep me back when you're not busy.
- From Boyfriend
Yesterday 12:05 am
Good morning. I'll be off to school earlier than my schedule. I have meetings with my group mates. I'll see you there.
- From Boyfriend
7:08 am
Don't skip meals. Xoxo.
From Boyfriend
7:48 am
That's it. The rest are from Sohee and Hyeyoung asking how am I. I replied to them telling them that I will not go to school today and they say they will excuse me from our professors.
After replying to my friends, I blankly look at Minho's messages. I couldn't construct a simple word to reply to his messages. I seem to lose words when it comes to him.
"Noona, I'm hungry!" Choco informed me and grabbed my hand with him.
"Oh jinjja? Go downstairs now, noona will follow, arasseo?" He complied and run with his short legs.
I get up from my bed and start preparing for the day I don't even feel to live. Just like a glitch, my miscarriage yesterday crosses my mind again. I stop washing my face and look at my reflection in the mirror for a long time until tears made their way to form in the corner of my eyes.
I feel so bad and sad. I feel very guilty.
In human nature, if something bad happens to us, we always look for something or someone we could point to the blame.
I want to get mad. I am mad. But who I point the blame? Is it my fault that I turn to jelly when Minho flirts with me? Is it my fault that I love him that's why I allowed him to do it with me freely? Or is it his fault because he acts careless and free, and seems to only care for pleasure?
But how could I blame him and tell him it's his fault if I won't tell him what had happened?
I brush off the unending thoughts that starting to rule on me. I quicken my move and went downstairs.
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It's already afternoon when Minho showed up in front of our door.
I froze in front of him, dumbfounded. He scanned me from head to toe before his eyes settled to meet mine. "Have you taken your breakfast and lunch?" He softly asks.
I nodded my head, still confused about how he got here without telling me. "You should have texted me to inform me you are coming." Unexplainable, the tone of my voice sounded irritated.
He scoffs and looks at me in disbelief. "You should have replied first with my numerous texts since yesterday. And I texted you before coming here, where's your phone?" He fired back, sounded irritated too.
I realize that my phone wasn't on me the whole day. "Maybe I left it in my room," I said and sit on the sofa. He followed and sit beside me.
For the first time in a long time, I reach for our TV remote and decided to watch. Minho was flabbergasted. We never watch TV in our living area together. We always go with either his laptop or mine to watch movies.
"I have my laptop here. We can watch foreign movies today. What genre this time?" He invites.
"I'm not in the mood to watch movies. I prefer TV shows for now." I coldly replied. I fix my eyes on the wide flat screen in front of us and tried my best to focus watching.
I saw in my peripheral view how his stare lingers on me before he mutter, "Okay." Then he opens his bag to get his laptop and start typing.
No matter how hard I tried to fix my sight and attention to the show I'm watching, I couldn't help but glance at his busy fingers on his keyboard. My head heat up as I saw Kim Jiwon's profile on the chat heads.
I pretend to relax and lie my back on the sofa so I could take a perfect sight on his laptop screen.
They are chatting. But I couldn't read what they are talking about.
"You shouldn't bring yourself here if you are busy talking to another girl." I couldn't help myself from telling it.
He continues typing before turning his attention to me. "Do we have a problem?" He seems annoyed, turning his whole body to me so he could confront me.
I gulp with his question. His voice made me feel nervous. Does he know it already? Is he testing me until I confessed what happened to me?
"I'm tired. I want to take a nap in my room." I declare to avoid his gaze and question. I turn the TV off and made my way upstairs, leaving him unanswered.
As soon as I reach my room, I slam myself in my bed and close my eyes. I didn't even bother to open my eyes as I heard approaching steps. I know he will follow me.
I felt the bed sink beside me and his arms slowly wrapped my waist down to my stomach. I feel him burying his face on my nape and hug me from behind.
"You're acting weird today. Do you have period today?" He whispered but I didn't respond.
So, he doesn't know yet.
We stay lying for minutes. I waited for him to speak again or move, but he didn't so I decided to turn and face him.
I found him sleeping peacefully, his arms are linked to me. I stared at him for a long time before I decided to run my index finger into his face feature. I started tracing his perfect forehead, rubbing his fixed eyebrows, quite mesmerized by his long lashes then my fingers turn to his perfect high towering nose that amazed me until now. Lastly, my sights diverted to his divine lips that always tempt me to taste them.
He must be tired to fall asleep this fast.
I immediately withdraw my fingers when he starts to move, he reaches for me and hugs me tighter.
I begin to contemplate my decisions in life, on whether to tell him the truth that I'm hiding or better leave it unsaid. My mind is clouded by obscurity so I hug him back, tighter, and bury my face on his broad chest. I inhaled his masculine scent that always calms me.
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I don't know how long did I slept in but I woke up alone in my vast bed. I get up to look for Minho but he is nowhere to be seen. I look for any notes he might leave but there's none, I grabbed my phone and look for his message but there's none too.
I decided to go downstairs. As I traveled the steps I heard laughs and voices, there I saw him cooking with my Dad, and Choco waiting for them at the table.
They all turn to me when they heard my steps. Minho smiles at me, "Did you get a good nap?" He asks as he continues stirring the saucy food on the pot.
I nodded my head, "yes, you?" I asked back.
"Yes. Just a quick nap." He smiled.
"You must be hungry. Glad Minho is here to cook for us." Appa added delightedly. I reach Appa for a hug then I turn to Minho and he kisses my head.
After dinner, I walk with Minho outside. "Get inside. I'll text you when I get home." He said, sounding lonely.
"Wait. I have something to ask." He looks at me. The kind of look that I know he knew that something is going on and he just waiting for me to say it. "I want to ask you a favor." I am shaking.
"What is it?"
I know Minho deserves to know the truth. He doesn't want me to hide something from him. But after that incident, my mind had been clouded by negativities, there is only one thing I want for us. I want us to cool off for a while. I feel like that's what I need for myself.
"Let's take a cool off." I started.
His calm face remains calm. He darted at me emotionless. I'm dying to know what's running on his mind.
It took us a long silence before he speak. "What cool off? Is this puppy love? Are we teenagers?" He mocks up and I get slightly offended.
"It's just cool off. We are not breaking up." I cleared out. I just want to think, to reflect, and I can't do that when he's with me when he looks at me when he touches me. I feel like it will happen again. We will commit the same mistake.
"What's the difference? All cool offs lead to breakups." He challenged me. His burning stares are scary that I couldn't stand staring back at him. "If you want to break up with me, just tell me the reasons. Don't offer me childish stuff."
So I'm childish?! Outrage with what he said, I gave him what he asks. "Okay, fine! I want to end this relationship because I'm tired! You are always right, you always know how to handle me, you are too much for me. I always feel like a kid when you correct me. Let's get this over."
"No." He chuckles and I glared at him. "I said, if you want to break up with me, just tell me the reasons." He smirks, giving me a smug face. "I never said I will agree with your lame reasons. We are not breaking up tonight or even the next days."
I just want time and space. But I don't think he will let me have it. I doubt it.
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The next morning I decided to be productive. I force myself to get and do things like normal.
I succeeded.
Thinking about yesterday, I regret asking him for a cool-off. It was indeed a bad idea. And he was right, I have the lame reasons.
After my first two classes ended, I went to their department's building. I couldn't sleep last night, I realized I am being unfair to him.
"What do you mean he's not here?" I ask Joohyuk and Kimbum.
I found them chilling and leaning on the railing outside of their classroom with Kim Jiwon. I ask for Minho and they said he didn't come today, that Minho told them he has an important event to attend.
But he never told me about it nor mention it, he also did not send me messages of 'good morning' and 'take your breakfast', like he always does.
"How come you didn't know where your boyfriend is. Did you two fight?" Kimbum interrogates.
I saw a smirk form on Jiwon's glossy lips. But I let it slide. I won't waste my time and energy for that smirk.
I marched out of the university heading to Minho's place. How could he not tell me? My phone rings and it was Sohee calling.
"Yeoboseyo?" I greeted.
"Eodiya? Come back here." She said.
"Why? I'm on my way to Minho, he didn't go to school today." I informed.
"Really? I met him last night outside the subdivision. He said he had dinner with your family." She shares. "I cheered him up about your loss, you know he should-"
"What?! What did you say?"
"About your miscarriage, he seems not in himself- wait...haven't you told him yet?!" She exclaimed.
I screwed.
What he learned yesterday night must be the reason for his absence today. I dropped the call and run to Minho's place.
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I came to their place and bumped with his mother repotting their plants on the side of their house.
"Annyeonghaseyo Mrs. Lee." I bowed, still chasing my breaths.
She looks at me and smiles, "Oh. I'm glad you are here."
"Ne?"
"My son looks gloomy today. I know something is on, right?" She said.
I nodded shyly and force a smile. "Yes. Where is he?" There's an urgency in the tone of my voice, I just want to end this chitchat so I could run to Minho and explain to him everything.
"He's in his room. Figure it out with him." Mrs. Lee reminds me and I bowed again before marching towards Minho's room.
The bigger my step, the stronger my heart beating. I feel like I'm about to explode.
I found his room locked, so I knock.
I knock and knock until he shouted, "Eomma! I'm busy! I'll eat later!"
I knock again, still didn't say my name because I'm scared he will not open the door if he learned that it's me. I didn't stop until he finally unlock it.
His annoyed face was immediately replaced by anger the moment he realized that it was me. His forehead furrowed and his thick eyebrows met quickly. He just looked at me extremely hard and left me standing at the door.
"Minho...." I called him as I follow him to his desk. He faced his computer and start typing on his black keyboard. "I'm sorry." He still didn't turn to me.
He's making himself busy.
"I'm sorry, hey, please talk to me..." I begged. I approach and tap his shoulder to get his attention.
He stopped and take a deep breath. He turns his chair to me and looks at me emotionless.
"Let's break up." He blurted.
I caught my breath with what he said.
"Are you serious?" I want to shout at him but then I remembered that the door is widely open. "Why are you suddenly asking for that?" I whispered instead.
"Isn't that what you wanted last night? I'm agreeing with you now." His words are cold, sending shivers down my spine. But his stares are fire, it's suffocating. It made my eyes burn and teary.
I look down at him because he was sitting on his chair and I was standing in front of him. "How dare you?! You got me pregnant and now that you knew about it, it changes you. Why? Did you get scared? You are not ready for it? Well, be thankful because it's gone! Gone!" My voice began to crack.
He was just sitting there, looking up at me while I whispered those words. "How could you say that to me!" I started crying. "What? Say something!" I impatiently demand. I couldn't stand his silence.
He stands up and walks his way towards the door. He closes it and faces me. "You didn't know you were pregnant." It wasn't a question, it's a statement. "You only knew it after you fainted." He said for me to confirm.
I nodded, "yes. I have no idea I was. And I didn't mean to lose it, I didn't know..."
"And you knew it, yet you didn't tell me." He utter calmly but his voice still gives me the cold feeling.
"...because-"
"Because you think it's not important to me, right? We are in a relationship for God's sake, Kim Go Eun! Whatever happens to you, I am involved with it! I deserve to know it." He shook his head. "You disappoint me."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm such an immature girl." I started with an apology. Looking back at our all misunderstandings, I am always at the fault and I am still at fault in this case. "I will tell you right now. You have the right to know it."
"Too late. Good thing I found out because otherwise, I know you have no intention of telling me." He shrugs his shoulder.
"So, you meant what you said earlier? That you are breaking up with me?"
"If you can hide things from me now, I'm sure it will continue, we better go by ourselves now so you can keep everything with you. I just don't understand why do you have to hide it from me if you can simply tell me."
"I'm scared, Minho! I'm scared of your reaction. I'm scared and guilty... I feel like it's my fault why it happened..."
"You know I would listen to you no matter what. We should have faced it, grieving together, but you chose to take it all yourself." He raises his head and looks up at the ceiling. He was blinking rapidly then I realize he is preventing himself to cry. "You hide such important matter to me, I wonder what else are you hiding from me?" He added, his eyes becoming glassy.
It was my cue to reach for him and hug him tightly. His chest is pounding so fast until he finally let out a silent cry. The pain was there. "I'm sorry... I love you... I'm so sorry." I said apologetically.
I began to hate myself for making this great man cry. His sobs are loud and clear in my ears. I hate myself for making things complicated.
I remembered his story, about how he never let himself cry in front of anybody, even his Mom. But today is the first time, he did cry in front of me.
He was sniffing when he buried his face on the crook of my neck. He returns the hug, so tight with no plan of letting me go. He may not say anything but his silence tells me that he is hurting too.
Without any words required, we stayed like that, standing and hugging each other tightly.