The gold Continental was parked under a street light in the first petrol station off the freeway into Venice, L.A.. Sam drove them in and parked alongside Castiel's wheels. Whilst went to use the amenities, Dean got out of the Impala. He could see Castiel slumped in the front seat, face tilted towards the window, eyes closed and dreaming. They'd hit traffic on the way into the city and now at almost midnight even the mild West Coast autumn night was a little chilly. Dean could see that the driver's side window was a little fogged up where the angel was exhaling. It was a reminder of just how human Cas was now, after falling from the skies.
Dean just stood there for a couple of seconds taking in the handsome careworn face, yeah Cas was good looking but that didn't explain the insistent little ache that Dean felt in his chest, the little hollow plummet in his gut, every time he saw Cas. Dean's somewhat frozen in the spot as he watched Castiel sleep until Sam came back, gave Dean a quizzical look and went to knock on the window. Castiel squinted as he woke, scrunching his face up and wiping his mouth with the back of his arm. And gesture which Dean found unaccountably endearing.
When Castiel turned his head to look at Dean, Dean got that standing in a lift going down fast feeling. Dean cleared his throat and waited for Castiel to say hello first. It was Sammy who swept Cas up in a nice-to-see you hug. Dean gave him a nod which Castiel returned mutely. Sam was already sensing the awkwardness pouring off of Dean and the fact that strangely enough the same weirdness was reflecting right back from the angel. To forestall any question from Sam, Dean made himself sidle up close enough to give Castiel a pat on the back. Castiel's coat felt even softer than he remembered, the cotton turned silky by daily wear and all the cheap detergent in coin-op laundromats. The temptation to feel just how soft and warm the fabric over Cas' shoulders were was almost overwhelming.
"I'm afraid I need to hitch a ride with you guys," Castiel began to say. "My alternator has given out and the repair shop says no replacement parts will be available till the morning."
"Dean can look at it for you, he's done most of the work on the Impala," Sam was eager to help. "We can get the parts you need from the auto mart when they open tomorrow. You'll save a lot of money that way."
"That would be fiscally responsible," Castiel agreed. "But I would hate to impose on you socially."
"Dean, tell Cas it's cool, he's using big angel words with me," Sam smiled, eyes warm.
"Sam, am sure Cas can look after that car himself, I don't wanna cramp his style," Dean said. He wasn't sure he could handle Cas being around right now, the urge to just grab him and tell him to never ever go away again like never was so strong it freaked Dean right out.
"Dean!" Sam was whispering and giving him one of his unimpressed looks. "Come here a minute."
Castiel watched the two brothers confer in heated whispers.
"Dean, I don't know what's going on with you and him," Sam hissed exasperatedly. "But you gotta stop treating your angel like some disposable, invulnerable, celestial call-by-the-hour escort with wings. He drove for days and days to help un-demon you, put his life on the line tracking down Cain, took care of the blade. I mean, seriously, what's Cas supposed to do to show you he's on your side. Move heaven and earth? Oh wait! He's been there and done that, twice or more, I lost count."
Dean was holding his hands up in a pacifying gesture. "Okay, okay, wow, Sammy, that one been stewing with you for long?"
"I'm not done!" Sam was getting righteously angry now. "You have to take care of him a little too you know. He's human! Look at him, can't you see the bags under his eyes, how much older does he look since the day you met him? Did you know Cas has been sleeping in his car and cutting down on food because he doesn't like defrauding credit cards since Thou Shalt Not Steal is kind of part of his family values? I know this stuff because I asked! I text him, I call him, he's the only person in the world who loves you as much as I do and you just gotta reciprocate a little okay."
Castiel watched as Dean opened his mouth then shut it again then nodded.
Getting the chain from the trunk and hooking the continental to the Impala's tow bar was a welcome excuse for Dean not to say anything in response to Sam's outburst. Dean only spoke when Sam collected Castiel's duffle and popped it in the Impala's passenger side and told Castiel to take a seat.
"Aren't you riding in the front?" Dean asked nervously.
"No way," Sam said as he headed towards the driver's seat of the Continental. "I'm not going to get stuck in the backseat with you two being all pregnant with silent meaning at the front. Sort it out Dean, tell the guy you appreciate him, tell him anything, tell him you want to get married and have Niphilim babies for all I care. Just take him seriously."
* * *
Dean turned to Castiel ready to crack a joke about Sam's foul mood, but the angel was elbow deep in the glovebox going through Dean's junk food stash. Dean sighed and started the car. Sam was right, he should have a chat to Castiel about taking better care of his vessel. He should've noticed sooner how run down Cas had looked lately but he'd been too damned busy thinking other less practical and paternalistic thoughts about Cas's body.
The first thing Cas says to Dean was "Mind if I have this?"
He's waving a fun sized Snickers bar that Dean left behind there weeks ago.
"Sure Cas," Dean said softly, the way Cas broke through the wrapper with his teeth and devoured the candy made Dean wriggle uncomfortably in his seat, it was the hottest and saddest thing he'd ever seen.
"Can I take you out for dinner?" The words rushed out of Dean's mouth and Castiel flashed surprised blue eyes at him
"To eat, Dean?" Cas murmured through a mouthful of toffee.
"No, to be eaten...Yes of course to eat!" Dean said in frustration. "Have you really been sleeping in your car?"
"On occasion," Castiel admitted.
Dean took a deep breath to calm himself. He scratched his head, he looked out the window, then he just tore into Castiel in a way he never thought he could or would.
"What the fuck, Cas?!"
"I beg your pardon?"
"No, don't try that polite formal angel crap on me Cas, when you've touched your naked soul to mine in hell!" Dean said through gritted teeth, he felt all messed up inside at news of how Cas has been travelling. "I'm asking you why you would just up and drive away half way across the country out of my life. What are you even doing here? We were working a job in Massachusetts when you just in the middle of the day drop everything and go away. I almost got gutted by some crazy jealous Italian ghost nun. Then I find out from Sam just now you're not taking good care of yourself, fuck, do I have to feed and clothes and tuck you in to bed myself?"
"Dean, calm down, I don't expect you to do any of those things for me," Castiel said placidly. "Despite what Crowley may say in mockery of me, I'm not some helpless babe in a trench coat. I'm older than you Dean, by hundreds of thousands of years, I've been through more wars, more hardship than even you can imagine. This trial, my human condition, is no impediment to how I serve our bond."
"Serve? Damnit, Sam's right, you 'serve' our bond?" Dean was raising his voice now. "Cas, friends don't 'serve' each other. And we are friends, aren't we? I mean, 'profound bond' that's what you called this crazy thing between us, so why'd you leave me, why'd you run?"
Castiel was gnawing on his lips in a way that disturbed and aroused Dean's soul. Ever since he'd blundered out his confession in the church during the last hunt, it was like a window had been opened in a dark stifling room, a new light was cast on everything he could see. And Castiel was the bright sky and the sunlight and the free flying birds above. He was the fucking moon and stars and magic dust in Dean's violent little world. Like he woke up and realised he'd been orbiting Cas for eons, when all along he thought he'd just been free floating in endless nihilistic space. Okay, Dean, he thought to himself, stop thinking just stop. Cas is just one ex-angel man, just a man, not a world or a solar system or whatever in his own right. The enormity of Cas's significance was entirely subjectively skewed in Dean's head because he'd fallen for him and his devoted steadfastness hook line and sinker. A treacherous little inner thought said to Dean, at this point, 'Cas is a man, flesh and blood."
"Dean, please," Cas was holding his head in his heads. "Can we talk about something else just for a moment, I can't tell you why I left just now, just please believe that I had to, okay?"
So Dean pushed the cassette tape in and they listened to poppy synth tracks for a while. Castiel slowly started lifting up his head as if a migraine was easing for him. Dean started to worry again.
"Cas, come stay with us tonight. We'll get a two bedroom place, a feed and a warm bed is what you need."
"Thanks Dean, I will accept your offer of hospitality."
"I'll even magic finger you," Dean grinned.
"Sounds delightful."
"Oh and I'm ordering room service, shrimp cocktail and extra hot nachos," Dean chatted. "Do you like avocado?"
"Can't say I have tried it," Castiel smiled tentatively back at Dean. "If you like it, It must be nice."
Dean cleared his throat. "I haven't had it either."
"Oh," Castiel paused for thought, then beamed, blue eyes crinkling at Dean. "We could experiment together."
Dean blushed hard and stepped on the gas even harder.
They probably would've just gotten to the hotel, gorged on room service and patched things up between them had the song not come on at that point. They could've gone on dancing around each other for years to come. but that's not how it went. The cassette tape flipped over and played:
Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone,
I hear you call my name, and it feels like home.
Dean looked over and Castiel is holding himself real still, head tilted as he listened:
I hear your voice, it's like an angel sighing
I have no choice, I hear your voice
Feels like flying
I close my eyes, Oh God I think I'm falling
Out of the sky, I close my eyes
Heaven help me
when you call my name, it's like a little prayer
Am down on my knees, I wanna take you down,
In the midnight hour ...
As the tune crescendoed into a cheerful pop chorus, Cas is staring straight ahead, eyes wide and his face is covered by tears.
Dean stopped the car, pulling up on a wooded shoulder.
"Cas," he called the angel's name.
Castiel does this full body shudder, wipes ineffectually at his eyes, opens the door and walks out.
The old Dean would have sat there and let him, but the new Dean who is learning to embrace change doesn't. He checked that Sam is safely asleep in the Continental and then ran after Csstiel. He caught up with the angel about a hundred meters into the woods.
"Cas, Cas come on," Dean says and watches with wonder and dread as Castiel looks physically tormented every time Dean says his name. "Seriously, what's the matter?"
"Me, I matter," Castiel says at last, brokenly. "This vessel craves your touch, my soul yearns for yours, my heart, if angels have hearts, longs for you. Because every fucking part of me, every fucking thing that comprises me, longs for you too. And when I think of home, I think not of heaven but of you and I'm sick of it and home sick for you. And whilst that was okay, before you went ahead and CONFESSED your feelings in pretty much a phone booth to heaven, now that I know about your 'things, people, feelings, first time' spiel, I just, I can't, I can't help myself but get my hopes up. And you, Dean, you are rampant with longing did you know that? All I can hear is 'want, want, want' and 'Cas, Cas, Cas' when I'm around you. Stop saying my name, because, just, don't, I won't be held accountable for what I will do."
Dean looked at the angel, at his fervent eyes and arched back and the still damp lashes. He took in the trembling hands and clenched jaw. Very softly but clearly, Dean said "Cas."
Castiel barrelled into him, took the wind out of Dean as he pushed Dean up against the nearest tree truck. Castiel knelt before Dean, clasped his hips, tugged away the obstructing clothing with his teeth, took Dean in his mouth with a satisfied, muffled whimper and made Dean look up to the stars and see heaven.
The End
More parts later.