I guess you didn't care
And I guess I liked that
And when I fell hard
You took a step back
Without me, without me, without me
And he's long gone
When he's next to me
And I realize the blame is on me
'Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
So you put me down oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground
-
The week and a bit until Jennie got home for Christmas seemed to drag. It wasn't just the fact that they had to wait longer to see each other again, but the fact that every time they spoke on the phone, their conversation was stunted and uncomfortable. Yet, even still, the day that Jennie flew in, Rosie was waiting with a packed bag and nervous anticipation. She was excited, yet she couldn't deny that a part of her was worried. More worried than she cared to admit.
But there was the eventual sound of tyres on the gravel driveway, and Rosie was on her feet in a heartbeat. Smoothing the fine knit of her sweater, running her fingers through her hair and quickly turning the coffee pot on, before rushing through the house and opening the door a moment before Jennie knocked. Hand half-raised, she blinked in surprise at the sight of Rosie suddenly before her, and Rosie felt her worry dissipate at the smile that spread across Jennie's face. She wanted to throw herself at her, but as excited as she was, something held Rosie back.
Jennie was reserved too, hovering in the doorway with an apprehensive look on her face, a backpack slung over one shoulder and a bulky guitar case in hand. Her expression darkened for a moment as she brooded on the porch in the mild December weather, the wind snatching at stray strands of her brunette hair before her expression softened into a small smile.
"Can I come in?"
Rosie choked on a laugh, before she stepped aside and let Jennie in, watching as the brunette's face lit up as Hank came running down the hallway, tail wagging and tongue lolling as he sniffed Jennie's boots. She laughed quietly, bending down to pet the puppy while Rosie stood there watching her with a tender look in her eyes, cold air blowing in from outside as she held onto the door handle.
When she straightened up, Rosie blinked herself out of her stupor and shut the door, hand pressed against the wood as she made eye contact with Jennie. As if it were the most natural thing in the world, which it should've been, Jennie stepped forward and cupped Rosie's cheek with a cold hand and pressed her warm lips against hers. Rosie melted into her touch and felt the lingering worry fade as her body relaxed and she smiled into it.
"Hi," she whispered against Jennie's lips when they pulled back slightly.
Forehead resting against hers, Jennie let out a quiet laugh as she smiled, her nose gently bumping against Rosie's. "Hi."
"Coffee?"
Pulling back, Jennie let out a heavy sigh, running a hand through her limp hair and giving Rosie a tired smile. She had dark circles under her eyes and Rosie wasn't sure if that was due to the long flight, or the fact that she had been working too hard and sleeping too little. Without commenting on it, Rosie reached out and gently touched her arm, before walking down the hallway, whistling softly for Hank to follow after her.
In the kitchen, Rosie pulled two mugs out of the cupboard and poured coffee into them both, adding milk and sugar to them both, while Jennie set down her bag and the leather guitar case. Rosie glanced at it as she set the mugs down on the counter and folded her arms on top, raising one eyebrow in question.
"You didn't tell me you'd taken up guitar."
Mouth curling up into a lopsided smile, Jennie hefted it up onto the counter and pushed it across to her, propping her chin up in her hand. "It's for you."
Curiosity getting the better of her, Rosie reached out and opened the brass clasps, raising the sturdy lid of the case and looking down at the guitar nestled in the deep emerald velvet bed. It was deep, polished mahogany, shining in the yellow light of the kitchen, and Rosie stared down at the black scrawl on the wood. Peering down at it she tried to make out the signature.
"It was Stevie Nicks'," Jennie quietly murmured.
Rosie's eyebrows rose in surprise and she quickly pulled the guitar out of the case, slinging the leather strap over her head and cradling it in her arms. Her fingers absentmindedly plucked a few notes on the bronze strings. She let out a quiet laugh, full of delight as she strummed, closing her eyes as she let the gentle sound of music wash over her. It was a perfect gift. They both loved Fleetwood Mac, and Jennie knew that Stevie Nicks was one of her idols growing up. It was thoughtful, and she opened her eyes to find Jennie staring at her with a soft expression on her face.
Setting the guitar back down in its case, Rosie shut the lid on it and did the claps back up, before setting it down on the floor, resting against the kitchen counters. Rounding the end of it, Rosie gave her a smile and reached out to grip her shoulders in her gentle touch. Jennie's arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her closer.
"Thank you," Rosie murmured, leaning down to place a delicate kiss to Jennie's mouth. "I love it."
"I'm glad," Jennie murmured.
She softly stroked Rosie's hair, and Rosie buried her face in Jennie's shoulder, breathing in the smell of her perfume and holding her tightly. Eyes closed, she let herself be held in return, realising just how much she'd missed Jennie. It was easy to forget how her touch felt, how warm she was, and the sound of her heartbeat, no matter how hard Rosie clung to those things when she was gone. And the sound of her voice - Rosie missed that more than anything.
"I'm sorry I wasn't here for it," Jennie whispered into her hair, and Rosie could hear the strain in her voice and hugged her that little bit tighter.
There was something off, and she didn't know how to broach the subject. For now, she resolved to let it go and just enjoy the fact that Jennie was home. Whatever it was that was bothering Jennie would come up, inevitably, but Jennie was obviously keeping it to herself for a reason. Rosie just wanted her to be okay. She wanted her to enjoy her time home, to get some rest and forget about work for a few days. It was Christmas in a few days, and the least they could do was set everything aside and just spend time together. They so rarely had the chance.
Finally pulling back, Rosie gave her another kiss, this one lingering and needy, before they took their coffee into the sitting room. She's lit a fire in the grate earlier, and the room was comfortably stuffy as orange light spilt out of the fireplace and the air was full of the smell of woodsmoke. Curling up at opposite ends of the sofa, they drank their coffee, while Jennie stroked Hank's fur as he dozed in her lap. It was peaceful, normal, even comforting, yet Rosie was occupied with her own thoughts, absentmindedly circling the rim of her mug with a finger as she thought about all their phone calls over the past week. Perhaps even further back. It felt easy to ignore them all, now that Jennie was back, but there was that nagging feeling at the back of her mind. The feeling that had made itself clearly known on her birthday; something was wrong.
Turning to Jennie, Rosie smiled softly at the sight of her struggling to keep her eyes open. The sky was deep indigo outside, dusk having arrived early, yet Jennie was so jetlagged that she looked like she was about to nod off any second now. Setting her cup down on the coffee table, Rosie reached for her arm and gave it a gentle squeeze, watching as Jennie blinked rapidly and gave her a bleary, squinting look.
"You should go to bed."
"Mm," she mumbled, rubbing at her eyes and opening her mouth wide in a jaw-clicking yawn before she sighed and deflated in her seat. "Early start in the morning."
Tilting her head to the side, Rosie's lips twitched with the barest hint of a smile, feeling a little bit anxious about the thought of tomorrow. "Are you sure you want to drive? We can fly."
Shaking her head, Jennie set her coffee cup down and lifted Hank down to the floor, before climbing to her feet. Stretching her arms, back arching slightly, her brow gently furrowed. "Fly? And be seen? I'm sure that won't ruin the trip at all."
There was an uncharacteristically bitter edge to Jennie's words that made Rosie's eyebrows rise imperceptibly. Shoulders rising and falling in a small shrug, Rosie climbed to her feet and scooped up both of their cups, briefly touching Jennie's arm as she stepped past her, and gave her a small smile.
"Fair point. Sleep in though; you need your rest."
Dumping their dishes in the kitchen, Rosie let Hank outside for a moment, standing in the doorway as she shivered, before locking the house up, hefting her new guitar case off the ground, and made her way to her bedroom. Jennie was changing into a sweatshirt, her long legs bare and pale from the European winter, and Rosie set her new guitar down just inside the door, before quietly shutting it behind her.
Walking up behind Jennie, she gently reached out to grab her waist and placed a featherlight kiss to the back of her neck, feeling Jennie's shuddering breath and the ripple of goosebumps radiating from her touch. Her skin was warm, and Rosie wrapped her arms around her completely, pressing her face into the soft fabric of the sweatshirt and feeling the sharp bone of Jennie's shoulder blade beneath it.
"I missed you."
Turning in her grasp, Jennie planted a kiss on Rosie's chin and reached out to brush her bangs out of her eyes. "I missed you too," she said with a soft smile, before delicately kissing her on the nose.
That night, Rosie fell asleep with her arm thrown across Jennie's waist and her warmth radiating across the few inches separating them. She slept soundly, burrowed beneath the blankets with a slight smile softening her face, and didn't wake up until weak sunlight was streaming in through her open blinds.
Mind fuzzy, Rosie blearily pushed herself up slightly and reached out for the empty side of the bed, finding it cold. But the covers were rumpled, and it hadn't all been a dream. Rubbing at her tired eyes, she listened to the sound of banging and clattering drifting from the kitchen and smiled to herself, before climbing out of bed and donning a thick robe. Running a hand through her frazzled hair, making her fringe stand slightly on end, Rosie yawned and fumbled for her glasses, before she made her way out into the hallway.
A chill seeped through the house and her fingers were cold as she buried them in her pockets, bare feet padding against cool floorboards and the smell of coffee beckoning her. Upon reaching the open door to the kitchen, Rosie leant against the doorframe and took in the sight of Jennie haphazardly chopping chives, while eggs sizzled in the pan. She was already drinking coffee, but Rosie spotted the extra mug sitting on the counter, waiting to be filled.
Stepping into the room, she made herself noticed and her head twinged at the smile Jennie cast her as she looked up. "Morning."
"Morning," Rosie mumbled, sidling up to her and ducking behind before she wrapped her arms around Jennie's waist and rested her cheek against her head. "You're up early."
"Long drive. I thought we should get an early start. Coffee?"
Rosie hummed in agreement as she pressed her face into the soft fabric of Jennie's pyjamas, feeling the muscles shift beneath it as Jennie reached for the coffee pot and poured a steaming stream of bitterly strong coffee into the cup. Pulling back, Rosie snagged a carton of milk from the fridge, added a splash to her coffee and stirred in two lumps of sugar, before pressing a kiss to the top of Jennie's head and mumbling her thanks.
"Breakfast will be ready in a minute," Jennie informed her, smiling over her shoulder as she scooped up a handful of chives and sprinkled them into the pan.
Fetching cutlery from the drawer, Rosie carried knives and forks in one hand and carried her coffee with her to the bright dining room, the weak sunshine filtering in without the green tint of the pergola, which was shrivelled up for the winter. The air was cold, but the room was homely, and Rosie quickly set the table, before going back to the kitchen to help with the rest of breakfast.
They ate omelettes in full view of the wintry garden, taking in the brown leaves of the trees held in the throes of winter, and made quiet conversation as they ate slowly, savouring the morning. Jennie read yesterday's newspaper, the gentle rustle disturbing the peaceful quietness of the morning every so often, and Rosie fed Hank scraps of the bacon that Jennie had cooked specially for her.
After they'd finished, they washed up in the kitchen, before making their way towards the bathroom. Shedding her pyjamas, Rosie ran the hot water in the shower and gratefully stepped beneath it, heat slamming into her as her skin rippled with goosebumps. Hair plastered to her face, she brushed her fringe back and watched as Jennie undressed and stepped in too, lips trembling as the chill of the bathroom seeped into her before the hot water chased it away.
Lingering longer than they'd intended, they gently washed each other's hair and took their time tracing the lines and curves of each other's bodies under the guise of slowly scrubbing each other with sweet-smelling soap, before finally washing the last suds away and kissing underneath the stream of water, their mouths hot against each other's. Stepping out, they wrapped themselves in fluffy white towels and shivered as the cold tiles fought to keep the steamy heat of the shower at bay.
Dressing in a thin deep green sweater and jeans, Rosie quickly dried her hair off in the bathroom, and then sat Jennie down in front of the fogged up mirror to blowdry hers for her, interrupting herself frequently to place chaste, featherlight kisses to her neck and shoulders. It was by no means late when they were finally ready to leave, but they'd taken as long as they could stretch it out for before leaving, and with a final scramble to make sure she had everything - puppy, guitar, journal - Rosie climbed behind the wheel of her black Range Rover, while Jennie settled down with Hank curled up in her lap.
With the nervous anticipation of meeting Jennie's mother looming in the near future, Rosie worried at her fringe and checked her makeup in the mirror, before turning the key in the ignition and backing them out of the garage. They'd settled on the Range Rover for relative anonymity. It was expensive and hulking, but no one would guess that two A-list celebrities would be in it as they made their way upstate to Orlando. It gave Rosie a sense of security to be hidden behind the tinted windows, backed up by the sheer size of the big car.
It was a four-hour drive up the coastline to Orlando, and Rosie drove for the first three hours while Jennie dozed in her seat. They'd planned to switch halfway, but after looking over and seeing the peaceful expression on Jennie's face as she slept quietly in the weak sunlight, Rosie didn't have the heart to wake her. She looked relaxed and her face was slack, without the worn lines of tiredness she'd come home with last night, so Rosie let her sleep as the miles passed by. The heating warmed the car to a comfortable level and Rosie was content to watch the sights pass by, enjoying the white caps of steel grey waves over the edge of cliffs, the forest of fir trees that sprung up in the rural stretches between towns and cities.
Eventually, Jennie stirred and they pulled over at a gas station. Sunglasses on, caps pulled down low and warm scarves wrapped around their necks - Jennie was wearing Rosie's one that she'd never gotten back - they stretched their legs, and Jennie watched Hank run around in the grass on the side of the road, while Rosie bought them cheap coffee and filled up their gas tank. Climbing back into the car, they switched sides, and Rosie lay back in her seat, absentmindedly stroking the velvety fur of the puppy while Jennie fiddled with the radio.
The last hour dragged by, and they amused themselves by singing along together with the radio, laughing and casting smiling glances at each other whenever they caught each other's eyes. Autumn leaves that had forgotten to fall still clung to trees and blew past them on the wind, and Rosie drank in the vibrant colours of the Californian winter as nervous excitement kindled in her chest at the thought of Christmas with Jennie. Eventually, they reached the outskirts of the small seaside town and Rosie saw Jennie visibly brighten, her shoulders going slack as she gripped the steering wheel and looked around at her old hometown. Reaching out, Rosie gave her knee a gentle squeeze and smiled at her.
"Excited?"
Quietly laughing as they drove through the main street of the town, Jennie looked over at her, a bright smile on her face, and Rosie's eyes widened as she glanced at the street and suddenly braced herself against her seat.
"Red light!"
Eyes whipping back to the road, Jennie cursed as she slammed her breaks on, tires screeching quietly as the big car came to an abrupt halt. Mouth open in surprise, Rosie looked at her with owlish eyes and a laugh worked its way up her throat. Clapping a hand to her mouth, she shook her head as she laughed, shoulders shaking and eyes creasing at the corners, and the startled look on Jennie's face softened into a sheepish smile as a hysterical laugh fell from her lips.
"You really are a terrible driver, you know that, right?" Rosie laughed.
Scoffing, Jennie smiled as she shrugged, the light turning green and the car lurching forward as Jennie slammed her foot down on the gas. "I was distracted."
Reaching out to pick Jennie's hand up, Rosie pressed a gentle kiss to the thin knuckles and pressed it to her warm cheek as she gazed at Jennie with adoration in her eyes. "You're by far the most distracting thing here," Rosie mumbled, gently stroking Jennie's skin with her fingertips, watching a slow smile spread across her face. "You're beautiful."
"You're making me feel all flushed," Jennie laughed, reaching up to tug at the collar of the plaid shirt she was wearing.
At Rosie's spluttered protest, she clamped her hand back down on the wheel and laughed, before Rosie relinquished her hold on Jennie's other hand. Reaching for the button, Rosie wound the windows down slightly, letting a cool breeze ruffle her hair as it chased away the stuffy warmth inside the car. Leaning her head against the doorframe, she closed her eyes and relaxed into her seat, basking in the fresh air and the wind's gentle caress.
Shortly, they were climbing up the steep driveway in the big car, Jennie easing off and on the pedal at jerking intervals, while Rosie groaned and tried to offer advice, before they rolled back down the driveway or Jennie ended up shooting straight through the front of the white clapboard house she caught a glimpse of. Eventually, they made it safely to the top, and Rosie took in the big house, catching sight of Christmas decorations through the windows before the front door opened and a brunette woman stepped outside.
Killing the engine, Jennie opened her door and climbed out, her long legs crossing the distance to the front steps as Taeyeon walked down the steps, both of them meeting in a hug. Slipping out of the car, Rosie set Hank down on the gravel, watching him sniff about, and slammed the door shut behind her as her stomach nervously lurched. Rubbing her hands over the thighs of her dark jeans, she hesitantly smiled as she slowly trailed after Jennie.
"Mom, this is Rosie," Jennie said, turning as she spoke, excitement brimming in her brown eyes.
"Of course! Rosie," Eliza smiled, a wariness in her eyes as she neared her, trying to gauge her.
Giving her a smile, Rosie moved past Jennie to greet her, and Eliza gently put her arm around her shoulders, laughing as Hank sniffed at her feet. "Come on in, you must be starving."
It was already lunchtime, and Jennie waved Rosie on ahead while she went to fetch their bags from the car. Hank followed Rosie up the front steps and into the spacious house. It was homely and comfortable, and Rosie felt right at ease. It had the feeling of an old farmhouse, with its white kitchen cupboards and wooden floors, but it had the sea in it too, and she loved it immediately.
Letting Taeyeon usher her down onto a comfortable sofa, she politely relayed her coffee preferences upon request and was left to admire the place as Taeyeon shifted around in the kitchen and Jennie tramped upstairs. Sunlight streamed in through the large windows overlooking the water, and the smell of salt and freshly cut grass drifted in through an open window. After a few minutes of sneaking glances around the place, a cup of coffee was set down on the coffee table in front of her and Jennie was sitting down beside her.
"Here comes the inquisition," Jennie quietly joked, a sheepish smile on her face, moments before Taeyeon joined them, setting a plate of sandwiches down in the middle of the coffee table, along with a plate of fresh cookies. Jennie went straight for the cookies.
"How was the drive?"
"I slept through most of it," Jennie shrugged, taking a large bite of chocolate chip and nodding appreciatively. "I didn't get in until last evening. The jetlag has taken it all out of me."
"How's the shoot going?"
Jennie shrugged, and Rosie angled herself towards her, trying to hide the anxious look on her face as she reached for her coffee. She'd avoided the topic last night, and all morning, and was relieved that Taeyeon had broached it so that she didn't have to. Things had felt a little strained since her birthday, and she didn't want to stir up more trouble if it was unwarranted.
"It's been good. Absolutely freezing, mind you, but it's so beautiful there. And the film's been great. There hasn't been a lot of training though."
Taeyeon let out a quiet laugh, her eyes crinkling at the corners with amusement, "so no tee-ball practice?"
Cheeks turning pink, Jennie groaned, leaning her head back against the couch pillows, "I'll never live that down, will I?"
"What's this?" Rosie asked, a curious look on her face.
"Jennie had a role as a high school student when she was ... what, eighteen? Nineteen?" Taeyeon started, glancing to the blushing brunette as she spoke. "Of course, she was homeschooled practically her entire education - going back before she was adopted, even - so she didn't have much experience on the matter. So one day, we're having dinner, and Jennie tells me she's going to school tomorrow. So I called the school, we sorted it all out, and she came home the next day with a shiner after she'd joined the tee-ball team for after school practice."
Wincing slightly, Jennie gave Rosie an exasperated look, brushing cookie crumbs off her lap as she leant forward for her own coffee. "That was the last time I ever played a team sport."
Muffling a laugh, Rosie pressed her lips together as she tried not to smile. Jennie handed her a sandwich and Rosie quietly thanked her, before turning her attention to Taeyeon, who was climbing to her feet. "I actually have photos, I think. Let me get the album-"
"Mom," Jennie groaned, "can you wait longer than five minutes before you embarrass me?"
Waving a hand dismissively, the older woman rolled her eyes. "Don't be silly, you were an adorable child. I'm sure Rosie would love to see some photos of you when you were younger."
Perking up, Rosie couldn't fight back a smile as she eagerly turned to watch Taeyeon go. "Oh, please do."
Jennie shot her a pointed look and Rosie shrugged, giving her an innocent look as she took a bite of the sandwich. Taeyeon returned a few minutes later and set a box down on the coffee table, before pulling out a stack of albums and setting them down. Picking up the first one, she flipped open the cover and quietly laughed.
"Oh, look at you! You were so sweet."
Cheeks reddening, Jennie folded her arms over her chest and sank back against the pillows, embarrassment written all over her face. Rosie gave her knee a reassuring squeeze, before leaning towards Taeyeon and tilting her head so she could see the photo. Jennie was sitting cross-legged on a narrow bed set against the wall, a window creating a halo around her brunette hair, and she was sporting glasses beneath a heavy fringe. Rosie couldn't help but laugh, her expression softening as she smiled over at Jennie.
"Look how cute you were."
Softly sighing, Jennie set her cup of coffee down and pushed herself to her feet. Bracing herself against Rosie's shoulder, she craned her neck to stare down at the photo staring back at her. "Okay, that one's not that bad."
They flipped through several albums full of photos of Jennie at various ages, some of them with another man and woman, who Rosie took to be her parents, and others with her new family, her adoptive father present in them, although Rosie had yet to meet him. She found herself relaxing, and Taeyeon took to her like a charm, the three of them laughing and stories swapped back and forth until Jennie was red with mortification and Rosie took pity on her. It made her feel warm inside, listening to tales of Jennie's past, hearing about things that had happened to her, no matter how small and inconsequential they seemed.
The day passed by quickly, and as the sun started to sink low on the horizon, over the sparkling water, Jisoo arrived with a bag slung over one shoulder and a camera over the other, greeting Rosie warmly with a hug.
After dusk had passed, Jennie showed her how to make gingerbread cookies, and they drank wine over dinner, before bundling up in big coats to sit out on the deck, drinking warm apple cider and watching the stars. A fire flickered in a pit, casting an orange glow over them, and Rosie was curled up beside Jennie, feeling content for the first time in weeks. She'd missed her; it was as simple as that.
When the hour grew late, they went upstairs, and Jennie showed Rosie into the guest room where she'd put her things. Grabbing a bag of toiletries, Rosie retreated to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wipe off her makeup, before changing into warm pyjamas.
Emerging a few minutes later, she put her bag back in her room and found Jennie in her old childhood bedroom. It had the same bed from the photograph pushed up against the wall, and another one along the opposite wall for Jisoo. Rosie smiled at the thought of her as a child star, coming home to share a bedroom with her new sister, while the whole world fell in love with her. Hovering in the doorway, she took in the shadowy form of Jennie by lamplight, until Jisoo realised she was there and Jennie broke off mid-conversation to turn to her.
Her expression softened and she climbed to her feet. "Hey, are you off to bed?"
"Mm," Rosie murmured, running a hand over her face, "long day."
"I'm going to stay up a bit longer," Jennie said, crossing over to the door and stepping halfway out into the hallway, pulling the door partly shut to block her sister from sight. Leaning in, she gently kissed Rosie, her lips soft and warm, making Rosie's insides squirm slightly before she pulled back and gave her a slight smile. "Goodnight."
Reaching out to graze her knuckles over her cheek, Rosie furrowed her brow slightly as she gave her a solemn look. "I love you."
Lips curling up more at the corners, Jennie quietly laughed, "you too."
Walking back down the hallway, Rosie slipped into bed alone, and woke up alone the next morning, the other side of the bed empty and unslept in. Jennie had fallen asleep in her old bed in the room she shared with Jisoo, and as Rosie sat propped up against the pillows, running a hand through her rumpled fringe, she couldn't help but brood.
Jennie found her that way a while later, after quietly knocking on the door. Blankets drawn up to her chin, with just her head and hands exposed, Rosie was scribbling lyrics into her journal with reckless abandon, caught up in the moment. She barely even acknowledged the brunette as she came into the room and set a cup of tea down on the nightstand.
"Did I do something wrong?" Jennie laughed as she craned her neck to look down at the page of looped writing, leaning down to kiss Rosie on the top of her head when she scowled and hid the page.
"It's not finished yet."
"What's it about?"
Shrugging, Rosie clamped the pen beneath her teeth and flipped to the next page. Her brows were furrowed together in a heavy frown and Jennie reached down to smooth it out. Removing the pen, Rosie sat upright and tilted her head up, lips pursed slightly, and smiled as Jennie kissed her.
"It's about you."
"Now I'm definitely nervous."
"It's not a bad one."
Snorting, Jennie sat down on the edge of the bed and raised her eyebrows slightly. "What, no scathing song about how I missed your birthday?"
"Not yet."
"Yet."
Rolling her eyes, Rosie capped her pen, bookmarked her journal with it, and snapped the elastic strap in place to close it, before tossing it aside running her fingers through her hair. Reaching for her cup of tea, she blew on the steam and cradled it in her hands.
"Well, I suppose it just depends on whether or not I was inspired."
"And you'd just ... put it on the album?"
Shrugging, Rosie took a sip and felt the tea pool in her stomach as a slow warmth seeped into her. "If it was good enough."
"Right," Jennie muttered.
"What?"
Shaking her head, Jennie shrugged one shoulder and raised her eyebrows slightly. "Nothing, it's just- well, I don't particularly want everything aired to the world. All of our dirty laundry."
Quietly chuckling, Rosie reached out and gently squeezed her shoulder. "If it's any consolation, they won't even know it was you."
Scoffing, Jennie climbed to her feet, her shoulders taut and a dark look on her face. "That makes me feel so much better."
Blinking in surprise, Rosie set her tea down and threw back the covers, her bare feet landing on the cold wooden floorboards as she started to rise. "I-"
Looking up at her, Jennie gave her a soft smile, reaching out to brush Rosie's fringe out of her eyes. Heavily sinking back down onto the mattress, Rosie gave her a searching look.
"Breakfast is ready. I thought we could go for a walk afterwards."
"Oh. Okay."
Struck by the sudden changes in Jennie's moods, Rosie let it go, but she couldn't stop thinking about it as she picked up her tea and followed Jennie downstairs. She seemed fine, if a little quiet and preoccupied, which Rosie had put down to tiredness, but Rosie wasn't used to the irritability.
Breakfast was normal though, and Jennie was positively charming as she helped Taeyeon make pancakes, singing to the radio in the kitchen while Rosie quietly sliced strawberries and watched her from the corner of her eye. When Rosie was dressing in the bedroom, slipping on one of Jennie's faded plaid shirts, Jennie stepped in with a towel wrapped around her and water beading on her skin and kissed her roughly, before slipping out again. She picked winter pansies from the side of the road when they took Hank for a walk along a winding tree-lined path, handing the small punch of deep purple flowers to Rosie with an endearing smile. They baked more - brownies and doughnuts this time - and she teased Rosie as she fed her the little round doughnuts, getting icing sugar everywhere. In the quiet hours of the night, when they were both still up, they'd raid the fridge for snacks and Jennie would pull her close and spin her around in dizzying circles as they danced in the pale light of the refrigerator.
Her mood was unpredictable for the entire trip, and they only had eight days together. Sometimes, Rosie would be chatting away to Jisoo and catch sight of Jennie sitting outside in the bitter wind blowing in from the ocean, all alone as she hugged her sweater to herself, and something inside her would twist uncomfortably. Rosie couldn't quite say how she felt, or what it was, but it left her feeling cold inside, worried and confused. But then Jennie would be smiling brightly and casually sling her arm around Rosie's shoulder as they sat beside each other on the sofa, watching TV late at night with her family.
Christmas morning was slow and quiet, and Rosie didn't think Jennie had slept at all as she took in the dark circles ringing her eyes when she was given her gifts. They consisted of an expensive diamond bracelet, a Montblanc fountain pen and imported coffee beans from Hawaii. Rosie bought her a custom made Italian leather portfolio to carry her scripts and phones and necessities on set, a first edition of Alice In Wonderland and Lewis Carroll's vintage James Hammond typewriter. Afterwards, Jennie took a nap, and Rosie helped peel potatoes and carrots.
As far as the holidays went, it was one of her most relaxing ones since finding herself in the middle of the spotlight, with no pressure from her mother to stick to her diet and exercise plans her dietician had dictated for her, or the uncomfortable tension that suffused all of her family's latest gatherings since her parents marriage had essentially ended. Rosie was in a small town where nobody even knew she was, with no cameras and no publicists or managers about - although they'd checked in enough times to warn her to remain inconspicuous - and just her and Jennie. It would've been perfect, if not for the fact that Jennie was obviously struggling.
By the time they left on the eighth night, Rosie was almost scared to go. Dusk was just settling in and Rosie watched Jennie from the doorway. There was a tautness to Jennie's shoulders, and an air of frustration and her voice was quiet as she rattled off a prayer. It rolled off her tongue with ease, and Rosie grimaced as she pushed off the doorframe and went to make sure she'd packed all of her things.
With a final cup of coffee to keep them going through the night, they packed their bags in the trunk of the car, and Rosie thanked Taeyeon as she hugged her goodbye. Jisoo was snapping photos from the illuminated porch, adding to her collection from over the past few days, and she gave Rosie a small smile and a one-armed hug as she said goodbye. Jisoo was staying a few more days for a project, but Jennie was flying back the next day, which meant this was goodbye to her family too.
Picking Hank up, Rosie carried him to the car and set him on the floor of the passenger side and slipped behind the wheel. Jennie seemed even more so broody, and Rosie figured that she could sleep for a while. Turning the key in the engine, she switched on the headlights and buckled herself in, taking in the figures near the front door as they hugged goodbye and made a few last- minute comments.
Gravel crunched as Jennie finally made her way towards the car, silently climbing into the front and slamming the door shut behind her. As Rosie carefully backed them down the steep driveway, they both waved at the two shadowy figures watching them leave, before they were out of sight and Rosie fixed her eyes on the road, her contacts bringing everything into sharp focus as the narrow beams of light kept the darkness at bay.
The return trip felt longer, quieter, tenser. Jennie didn't sleep, but she didn't say much either, and the only sound was the engine and the quiet flow of heat flooding out of the vents. Neither of them switched the radio on, and Rosie gripped the wheel tightly as she kept her eyes trained on the road, trying to convince herself that there was nothing to worry about as Jennie silently dwelled in her own mind.
Stopping halfway, Jennie drove them the rest of the way back to her apartment, parking the car around the corner and grabbing her bags from the back. Rosie cracked the window slightly for Hank, with the distinct feeling that she wouldn't be staying the night. Relieving Jennie of the heavy typewriter and one of her bags, they walked side by side to the entrance to the building and quietly made their way upstairs.
Krystal wasn't in when they stepped inside, the apartment dark and quiet, and Jennie softly sighed as she dumped her bag down on the floor. Moving towards the table, Rosie set the bulky box with the typewriter down on it and gently set the bag down on the floor, before turning to face Jennie.
She didn't say anything as she reached for the kettle, and Rosie finally caved. The nervous anticipation of waiting for the other shoe to drop was too much, and she couldn't take it any longer. It was driving her mad, the feeling that perhaps she was just being paranoid making her doubt herself when she knew there was something wrong. It wasn't just a sudden feeling; Rosie had felt it for weeks now. The uncomfortable nagging at the back of her mind that she just couldn't shake, no matter how hard she tried.
"Please tell me what's wrong," Rosie eventually wearily begged, the tension hanging heavily between them, having steadily built over the past few days together until it had worn her down so much that she couldn't stand it any longer.
Turning around, Jennie looked at her with mild surprise, pale eyebrows rising and kettle in hand as she stood in front of the sink. "Nothing's wrong."
Biting back her impatience, Rosie sighed heavily and threw her keys down on the table, before running a hand through her hair in frustration. Grinding her teeth together, she exhaled sharply. "Well, there clearly is . I don't think you've been happy all week."
Spluttering, Jennie slowly set the empty kettle down on the counter and braced her hands against the edge of the sink, standing in silence for a few moments. "You're right, you're right," she quietly said, rubbing at her forehead as she hunched her shoulders.
"Then tell me what's wrong so I can help you," Rosie softly replied, the fight draining out of her as her whole body sagged.
The urge to cry threatened to overwhelm her as she stood in Jennie's kitchen in the middle of the night, seized by panic and worry, and too in love to be able to bear Jennie's sudden change in personality. This wasn't her, and Rosie didn't know what to do to help her. It was maddening, slowly eating away at her until she couldn't help but broach the topic, out of fear and worry, and concern for Jennie. She looked tired, rundown and just defeated. Christmas was supposed to be a break for her, yet she hardly looked better off for it, and Rosie blinked back the stinging feeling in her eyes.
"You can't help me," Jennie quietly replied, her voice bitter and low.
Crossing the gap between them, Rosie reached out and took her by the elbow, turning her so that they were face to face. Pale moonlight mingled with the dim buttery light from a lamp, casting off shadows over Jennie's face as she refused to meet Rosie's eyes.
"Let me try."
"You don't get it!" Jennie quietly exclaimed, her voice cracking as she tilted her head back, staring up at the ceiling as she raked her fingers through her hair. Drawing in a shuddering breath, she gently deflated. "It's you, and me. It's us."
Jerking back slightly, Rosie took a small step back as her face crumpled. She didn't want to admit it to herself, but she'd known that things had slowly been derailing with them. Of course she'd known. She'd realised it herself on her birthday. It wasn't something she could put her finger on, but the feeling had been there nonetheless. It had nagged at the back of her mind for weeks; it was the reason she'd been so anxious over the past few days, treading on eggshells around Jennie, trying to figure out where and when exactly things had started going wrong.
"Us?" Rosie numbly echoed, her lips barely moving as her heart spasmed in her chest. Just that simple word, in that context, was enough to painfully cut into her.
Letting out a short laugh, Rosie gave Jennie a tight smile and turned around, walking a short way away. Breathing in the green scent of so many flowers, she ran a hand over her tired face, her hand shaking and a hollow feeling opening up inside her.
"I've been trying to figure it out for the past few weeks," Rosie finally murmured to the darkness, just outside the halo of lamplight, her eyes fixated on the vintage armchair by the window, on the pattern scrolling along the edges of the Turkish rug, anywhere but on the woman standing behind her. "What went wrong with us. And I can't think of anything. The only thing I can think of is ... you're not here."
"It's not the distance-"
Whirling around, Rosie felt anger flare up inside, her cheeks flushed red as her eyes shone with burning tears. "No, it's not the distance. You just- you're not here. I talk to you on the phone, and it's like you're not even there. And I've been trying to figure out why, or what I did but-"
"You want to know why? I'm tired, Rosie. I'm so tired. Of this, of what we're doing. I just-"
Jennie trailed off as she dug the heels of her palms into her eyes, shoulders taut as she stood tall and still in the kitchen, before exhaling sharply. "I don't like it. I don't. Being back here doesn't feel any better. I feel trapped."
"Trapped."
"I want to talk about you to people!" Jennie exclaimed, "I want to hold your hand, and- and take you out for breakfast. I want to go grocery shopping with you. Go to events with you. I want to go out. I want to come out."
Wariness flickered in the depths of Rosie's eyes as she gave Jennie a cautious look. They'd been through this before. They'd been in agreement that it was an impossible situation, a death warrant for their careers, and Rosie's mouth felt dry as she tried to think of something to say. She wanted to help Jennie, but she couldn't help her with this.
For all their sneaking around and stolen moments, and even their openness around their family and friends, there could never be anything more for them. Not without consequences. And if Rosie was being honest, she wasn't ready to face those consequences yet. Perhaps not ever. It wasn't just the fact that her record deal was dependent on her keeping this part of her life a secret, but the fact that her life was already so publicised and scrutinised that the thought of revealing such a bit secret and having to deal with the fallout of it was daunting. Her life as she knew it would be over and all she'd have was the flimsy guarantee of a future with Jennie.
"You know that I can't," Rosie softly told her, voice trembling and eyes swimming with sadness and pleading as she begged Jennie to understand.
"But I can," Jennie whispered. "I can, for myself."
Feeling as if she'd been punched in the stomach, the air rushed out of Rosie's lungs and her face dropped, a look of unabashed shock smoothing out her features. "So that's it? You just- you're going to leave me for this?" Rosie asked, her voice wavering as she tried not to cry, not to shout, not to fall apart. "And then what? When you're out. What would be the point? You won't be able to have me, not in the way you want."
"I don't know."
"Then what?"
"I don't know!" Jennie exploded, a panicked look in her dark eyes as she stood half in shadow, the thought of tea long since forgotten about. She clenched and unclenched her hands into fists, her frustration evident in the restlessness of her movements. She was stuck, confused.
Squeezing her eyes shut, she shook her head, before turning around. One hand on her hip, she covered her mouth with her hand and stared out the window, silver moonlight pouring in and washing over her slender form. Rosie felt her heart in her throat, beating loudly as fear shook her body; she didn't want to lose Jennie. Not again, not ever, and not when there was a very real chance that this would be it. If she came out, it could ruin any chance that they had of ever getting back together again after this. Rosie felt sick.
"I'm just ... not happy," Jennie eventually said, her voice hoarse and hitching, and so pitifully sad that Rosie felt the anger bleed out of her. "And it's not your fault, but I can't- I don't think I can do it anymore. I just-"
"You're just running away again," Rosie said, the words pitiful as they came out as a breathless sob. "What is it? Am I asking too much of you? Did we- did we misunderstand each other? Because I thought it was good- I thought it was all fine until my birthday-"
"It wasn't fine, Rosie! We were trying, but you can't honestly tell me that you've been happy with how things have been."
Making a low sound of frustration at the back of her throat, Rosie averted her gaze, taking in the room so she didn't have to look at Jennie. "I ... no, I- it hasn't been ideal, but I love you. We said we'd make the distance work this time."
"But it's not the distance! Don't you get it? I'm going to come home in a few weeks, and we'll finally be able to be together - no more long-distance - except that we won't. I don't want a relationship I have to hide."
"Well you knew this when you came back," Rosie hotly replied.
Letting out a cold, short laugh, Jennie gave her a pained look. "I knew we wouldn't be able to be together publicly, but ... we're not even allowed to be friends. We have to sneak around like what we're doing is wrong, and I don't see an end to this. I really don't. And I can't let you pick me over your career so ..."
The lapsed silence as Jennie trailed off was deafening and full of unspoken meaning. The air forcing itself out of her lungs, Rosie pressed her lips together, fingers threaded through her hair as she cupped the back of her head, eyes shining with tears that quickly spilt over. As they traced their way down her wan cheeks she let out a quiet laugh, thick with emotion and not at all humorous, before she sniffed and wiped at her cheeks.
Clearing her throat, she shoved her hands into her coat pockets, head ducked down as she stared at the worn wooden floorboards beneath her feet, waiting, praying, for Jennie to say something.
"Well ... I guess that's it then," Rosie finally said, her tone flippant as she made for the door.
Yanking it open, she heard Jennie softly call out her name, and stepped out into the hallway before pulling the door shut behind her. Standing in the hallway, she drew in a deep, shuddering breath, her body seeming to inflate slightly as if she was drawing herself up to her full height, regal and proud. But then she covered her mouth with her hand and the air was pushed from her lungs, hot against her palm as she deflated, sagging against the wall as she reached out to balance herself with her free hand.
She broke down in the elevator, after stumbling into it, cold and shaking from the shock of it, and cried the whole way home. Her lips trembled and her heart broke, and there was nothing Rosie could do about it. She just drove, Hank curled up on the passenger seat, tears running down her face and devastation written all over her.
-
"What did you do?"
Letting out a sad laugh, one side of Rosie's mouth tugged into a slight smile, her cheek dimpling as she slowly blinked, sadness weighing heavily in her chest. "I cried all night. And then the sun started rising, and I was so cold, so I poured myself a glass of wine, put on my red lipstick, and had a bath."
"A bath?"
"Mhm."
"Why?"
Rosie let out a quick laugh, her lips twitching slightly as her eyes danced with amusement. Shifting in her seat, she sat up straighter and shrugged, running a hand through her hair. "I didn't know what else to do."
"Hang on," Nayeon said, a frown creasing her brow as she leant towards Rosie. "This was the second time. The second time she just ... left you." At Rosie's curt not, Nayeon gave her an incredulous look. "And you just ... went back to her again?"
A lump lodged itself in Rosie's throat as she looked down at her hands in her lap, twisting the rings as she bowed her head. A dull ache twinged in her chest and she let out a shaky breath. She hadn't come here to paint Jennie as a bad person; she'd come here to be honest. So far, that honesty wasn't painting Jennie in a good light, and a stab of guilt struck Rosie as if she was betraying Jennie. Of course, she was hoping by the end of things she would've explained it all properly, would've shown just how many bad decisions she'd made too, how many people she'd hurt - including Jennie. It wasn't the fault of any one person, no matter how the story was currently unfolding. Rosie quickly tried to set the record straight.
"Don't judge her, please," she softly said, her face spasming slightly with pain as her voice came out hoarse and low.
Closing her eyes, Rosie clenched her hands into fists and breathed in slowly, before exhaling sharply. She wasn't quite sure how to explain. How to make everyone understand her and Jennie's relationship. Because it hadn't been full of heartbreak and difficulty - not all the time - but it was important that they know those parts too. It was important that they knew how hard it was for them, the constraints placed around them, putting them in such an impossible position.
"I know I'm not painting her in a very good light at the moment, but that's because that was when it was hard. We were young, we were scared. Things got easier after that. I just- I'm not here to blame anyone for anything, least of all Jennie. And I didn't come here to point the finger at anyone but myself. I played a part in everything I'm telling you."
"You blamed yourself for this too?" Nayeon gently asked, a pitying look in her eyes.
Swallowing thickly, Rosie nodded. "I couldn't ask her to pick me, to stay when she was so unhappy, but I didn't pick her either."
They were silent for a moment, and she could feel the urge to cry welling up inside her. Rain gently pattered against the windows and the room was silent except for the sound of machinery and the quiet sound of shifting people. Clearing her throat, Rosie opened her mouth, raking a hand through her curls again, before she ran it wearily over her face.
"Can we take a break? Yeah, just cut the cameras. Cut."