The way you move is like a full on rainstorm And I'm a house of cards
You're the kind of reckless
That should send me running
But I kinda know that I won't get far
And you stood there in front of me
Just close enough to touch
Close enough to hope you couldn't see
What I was thinking of
Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain
'Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile
Get me with those brown eyes, baby
As the lights go down
Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around
'Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile
-
"Looking back on it now, do you think that you were meant to meet then? Like it was fate?"
Laughing, Rosie shook her head, amusement flickering in her brown eyes. "No, no. Nothing of the sort. I was just ... I was going through a rough patch. Love had essentially been ruined by me by my ex-"
"Who you still haven't named."
Pausing for a moment, Rosie's eyes widened as she froze before a slow smile spread across her face. "Ah. I suppose I didn't. Bae Suzy."
"The singer?"
"The very same."
"She's much older than you," Nayeon said an incredulous look on her face.
Giving her a bitter smile, Rosie nodded. She'd written a song about everything that had been wrong with that relationship. How her mind had been messed with, how she'd been drained by the constant games, how her mother had worried about her and how she'd been so naive that she'd ignored the whispered rumours that followed Suzy and all of her exes. In hindsight, it was all so obvious, and Rosie had wished she was able to pass on the warning. She'd been lucky to get out of that relationship before it had turned into anything serious, although now, after years of reflection, she doubted Suzy was the kind of person to ever let anything get serious with another person. Everything about that relationship had been wrong.
"Well ... let's just say there was a lot that was wrong with that, the age difference the least of them. It took me some time to get over that, and then there was a period of about eight or nine months where I just ... I lost that magic. You know that rosy-coloured idea of love? I realised that it wasn't all a fairy tale or straight out of a movie, and it took meeting Jennie to accept that."
"Oh. She didn't bring back that magic?"
Blushing slightly, feeling like the young woman she'd been back then, barely twenty years old and enamoured by Jennie and everything she'd brought, Rosie let out a soft laugh. Her expression turned tender and she fiddled with the rings on her fingers.
"No, she did. It just wasn't the fake kind that you see in old films. It was confusing to me at first because I was completely taken with her, but it wasn't the shiny new feeling of love - or rather the idea of it that we romanticise because that's all we ever see - but I just- I knew. I knew that there was some magic there. It was in the calm that she brought. With how crazy my life had gotten, and how broken I'd felt after Suzy, and how homesick I was in my new apartment, she was just this calm presence in my life. It was like I'd stumbled into the eye of a tornado, and everything was falling apart around me, except with her. Of course, not right at the beginning; but things slowly got worse and it was because of Jennie that I managed to bear it."
"I'll admit, I'm still a bit shocked by this," Nayeon said with wry amusement. "You were publicly known to be friends with her, but not until a while later, if my information is correct."
Scoffing, Rosie rolled her eyes, "well, of course we weren't parading ourselves around in front of everyone before there was even anything to cause a fuss about. We were careful. I think, actually, the media only caught wind of our relationship the second time around. I was very strict about us being secretive."
"The second?"
"I think it's common enough in the industry to let work and distance and other things get caught in the middle. It wasn't any different for us. We were just another celebrity couple that couldn't make it work with the life that we chose to have."
"So quite a few of the heartbreak songs are about Jennie?"
Smiling, Rosie nodded. "Of course. More than quite a few. Almost all of them, from Speak Now onwards. I remember it being very important for me to write about those bad moments too, because although we did get back together, quite a few times, those moments happened. But in those moments my feelings were important to write down, to capture, and to remember because one day I was heartbroken over her, but tomorrow I would be in love with her again. It was a whirlwind of so many emotions and problems- anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself."
-
Over the following month, Rosie saw Jennie a couple of times a week, and they messaged each other constantly, leaving Rosie's cheeks hurting from smiling too much as she read the messages and her face slightly flushed at the flirty undertones. It was an unusual feeling for her, to have someone show such a pure interest in her, making her laugh as a warm feeling blossomed inside her chest, taking her to antique stores and flea markets to help her pick out gilt photo frames and old chandeliers for her apartment.
Jennie felt too good to be true, sometimes turning up in the early hours of the morning after she'd finished shooting, a cup of coffee for Rosie and her car parked outside, waiting to take her for a drive. It was the first time Rosie had ever had someone shower her with attention for the sake of it, treat her to unlimited kindness, without any catches, call her to hear her voice because a message wasn't good enough.
It rekindled some of the magic that she'd lost, and Rosie felt like she had some of her colour back. She'd been so washed out by Suzy, feeling like she had to paint her face on every day so that no one would realise that she'd been whittled down to fit the mould that the other woman had made for her, but slowly, over the ensuing weeks, she recaptured some of the person she'd been before. It was like new life had been breathed into her; a different kind of life. The shyness dissipated and she found herself becoming an accomplice in Jennie's recklessness, risking being spotted together by paparazzi just so that she could spend more time with her. The homesickness started to fade too, and Rosie felt comfortable with where she was in her life.
Of course, it was all too good to be true, but that didn't matter at the time. She bought into the idea that her life was perfect, and she found herself giving in to her better judgement and letting her heart fall. It happened quickly. Not right away, of course, but the walls fell away and the possibility was there. Both of them knew that there was more to their outings than just two friends hanging out; it was like they were playing a coy game, dancing around the truth and each other, avoiding bringing up the matter at hand. The best part was that Rosie was enjoying herself too much to care about what the future would bring between the two of them, but she'd be lying if she said that she didn't want Jennie.
Sitting in the cool interior of the brunette's Audi as they drove through the city at night, up through the sandy foothills on the outskirts, the windows cranked down and the warmth of the day lingering on the mild breeze, Rosie would feel the energy humming almost palpably between them. When Jennie turned up at her house late after filming, curling up on Rosie's sofa in a pair of sweatpants, her eyes half-lidded with tiredness and her hair carelessly thrown up into a sloppy ponytail, Rosie found herself looking at her lips as Jennie mumbled about her day. The most all of her secret wishes had amounted to was their hands gently grazing sometimes when she handed Jennie a cup of tea, or Jennie touching her back for a brief moment as she slipped around her to open the passenger door for her to get in, or her fingers lingering on Jennie's hand as she took half of the shopping bags off her. It sent a thrill through her, but Rosie found herself wanting more. The sparks were undeniable.
On a rare rainy night, Rosie found herself alone in her apartment, a cup of tea that had long since gone cold sitting beside her, her ganjo resting across her knees and a frazzled look to her curly hair as she continuously ran her hand through her hair, staring down at the words on the page, which were starting to swim on the lined paper. She'd been at it for hours now, scribbling out words, playing with the melody, which had a distinct country twang to it, given the background of the person it was about, and trying to vent her anger and embarrassment. Her mind was distracted though, and she couldn't solely focus on her songwriting with her scattered thoughts, no matter how hard she was trying.
When her phone buzzed on the floor beside her, it was almost a relief for an excuse to have a break, and her face lit up at the name that lit up the screen. Feeling the tension fade from her body, she answered the call and pressed her phone to her ear.
"Hi."
"Hi, I didn't wake you did I?"
Softly laughing, Rosie carefully moved her ganjo aside and set it down on the floor, the strings vibrating slightly with the movement and making a quiet, morose sound. "No, no, I was up writing."
"Do you have plans to sleep any time soon?"
"That depends."
"Well, it's raining out tonight, and there's a great spot out in the desert to experience it. I snuck coffee from set too, just in case."
Looking down at her half-written song, her freezing cold tea and her stripey pyjama pants, Rosie hesitated for a moment. "Sure. How long will you be?"
"I'm outside."
Blinking in surprise, she quickly scrambled to her feet and rushed over to one of the windows, peering out through the sheets of rain to see a car idling on the curb, two headlights shining brightly in the darkness. No one or thing stirred outside, the city already fast asleep in her suburb, and Rosie's mouth curled up into a slight smile.
"I'll buzz you up."
She hung up after that and wound her way around the clutter of furniture and decorative plants and lamps that she'd acquired through the help of Jennie, and walked down the hallway to let her in, lingering just inside the doorway until a quiet rap of knuckles on the wooden door signalled the actress' arrival. Opening the door, Rosie gave her a small smile, feeling suddenly self-conscious about her awry curls and her pyjamas as she let Jennie in. The brunette was wearing a puffy navy coat over jeans, her face free from the makeup that she'd been wearing all day and night, and she gave Rosie a tired smile as she reached out to hug her.
Cherishing the warm embrace, Rosie stepped back a moment later and led Jennie down the hallway as she asked her about her night. It had been a long shoot, but despite the fact that she was tired, Jennie insisted that she was too awake for her mind to slow down enough for her to sleep. It was almost becoming a habit for her to come to Rosie's on such nights as this one, and Rosie didn't mind; she was normally awake and writing anyway. Although, a small part of her had started to fight back at her tiredness on the off chance that Jennie would call her to see if she was awake.
"How's the new song coming along?" Jennie asked, spying the mess sprawled across the floor near the circular sofa and coffee table.
Letting out a sound of frustration, Rosie's brow crumpled into a frown. "Not too good. I'm too annoyed to make it all come out right."
"What's annoying you?" Jennie asked, cocking her head to the side as she drifted closer to her, reaching out to grab her arm in caring gesture. Her fingers were warm against Rosie's bare skin and she had to duck her head down under Jennie's intense gaze.
Grimacing, Rosie shrugged slightly. "I try not to Google myself, you know, for obvious reasons. I have fans, but not everyone's a fan. Well there was a critic at the Grammy's who said a few hurtful things, and it made it's way back to me and it's just ... I don't know, it's rubbed me the wrong way. It was just ... mean. Sure, I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but a critic should show more professionalism than just outright saying I can't sing, right?"
"Ouch," Jennie winced slightly, "that's rude. And a complete and utter lie. Trust me, I, myself, am a bit of an expert on Roseanne Park. She even played a private show for me once."
Jennie winked as she let go of her arm, drifting towards the ganjo and the journal and sinking down to her knees beside it. Rosie let out a snort of laughter, her cheeks warming slightly as she trailed after her. "Oh yeah? I hear she's not prone to giving people private shows."
"I guess I'm just lucky."
"Oh it's more than that," Rosie muttered.
She dropped down to her knees beside Jennie, crossing her legs and reaching for the journal, reading over her loopy handwriting, before looking up to meet the brunette's warm brown eyes. Jennie was wearing her glasses today, and Rosie found herself wanting to push them further up her nose as they slipped down slightly.
"So, what've you got here?" Jennie asked, her eyes sparkling eagerly as she jerked her chin towards the journal that Rosie held in her hands.
Arching an eyebrow, Rosie smiled slightly. "I thought we were going for a drive. I have to get dressed."
"We can spare a minute for a song, and you look perfect the way you are. It's just a drive."
Rolling her eyes, Rosie bit back a smile and reached for her ganjo, comfortably balancing its round head on her hip as her fingers found the strings. "Fine. I'll sing what I have."
"And I can see you years from now in a bar Talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion
But nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing
But all you are is mean
All you are is mean
And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean."
Jennie laughed as she listened, her knees drawn up to her chest and her arms hugging them tightly as she balanced her chin on top. Her eyes crinkled at the corners and Rosie found herself trailing off as she sang, laughter bubbling up within her as Jennie laughed.
"Remind me never to get on your bad side," Jennie said.
Setting the ganjo aside and shutting her journal, Rosie gave her a hopeful look, "do you like it?"
"I think it's the perfect revenge for a loud-mouthed idiot."
Smiling brightly, her dark mood already forgotten as if Jennie was the sunshine that had swept away her storm clouds, Rosie climbed to her feet and reached down to pull Jennie to her feet. Finding herself almost nose to nose with her, Rosie quickly turned aside and brushed past her, clearing her throat slightly.
"I'll just grab a coat and some shoes."
"Sure."
Slipping on a pair of trainers and a grey quilted parka, Rosie softly swore as she tried to comb her hair with her fingers, her reflection in the hallway mirror giving showing a frightful mess of curls. Jennie was oblivious to her fretting as she opened the door and stepped out into the hallway, while Rosie patted down her pockets to make sure she had her keys and her phone.
They made their way downstairs, shoulders hunched and heads ducked down against the downpour of rain, which still managed to find its way beneath the collars of their coats and snake down the back of their necks, and quickly bundled themselves into the black Audi parked on the verge. Belting themselves in, Jennie turned the engine on and Rosie relaxed back against the cool leather. A coffee cup was nudged into her hand a moment later and she took a grateful sip of the warm, rich latte as she stared out at the darkness lit up by two beams of light following the twists and turns of the road.
Fleetwood Mac played softly from the speakers and Rosie was wrapped in soothing comfort as she sat in the passenger seat, head resting against the door as she nursed her coffee. They didn't say much as they drove away from the city, leaving the mansions and expensive condos behind, through the blocks of apartments, shops and cafes crammed in together, and out towards the flat expanse of desert beyond the skyline.
It was pitch black once they left the city behind them, and Rosie could see a dim haze of yellow light saturating the dark mass behind them in the wing mirror as they drove into the unknown. The occasional flicker of lightning and barely audible rumble of thunder escorted them across the border of the city. The road grew bumpy and rough as they took a side road through low shrubbery, the wheels digging up wet furrows of sand as they followed the rocky path deeper into the darkness. It was eerie being so far away from the city - they usually drove up through the foothills, driving up to one of the low peaks to take in the view spread out below them - but Rosie felt perfectly safe with Jennie, and she could imagine that they were the only two people left in the world.
The sheets of rain lashing the car made for a cosy setting as they eventually came to a slow, grinding halt. With their lukewarm coffees in hand, they sipped them in silence, staring out past the watery tracks snaking down the windscreen, and Jennie turned the headlights off, plunging them into near total darkness. It cast a shadow over the brunette's face as Rosie turned towards her.
"Do you come out here often?"
"Sometimes. It's good for a storm. It should hit properly in a minute; you can see the lightning in the distance."
She gestured off into the distance, and the dim lights that Rosie caught flickering every few moments became more distinct as forks of lightning as she looked out the window. As she watched, a peal of thunder sounded closer than any before, and Rosie found it oddly comforting in the confines of the car, the windows cracked open slightly to let in the damp, earthy smell of the desert, sweet with a surprisingly warm breeze. She breathed it in deeply, a soft smile curling her lips as she felt peace settle within her.
They watched the storm roll in while they made whispered conversation, almost as if they were too afraid to speak too loudly in case they disturbed the spectacle before them. Blazing white lightning tore a ragged arc across the sky, followed by a crack of thunder and a deluge of rain, and Rosie found herself listening to Jennie talk about her family, about her parents who died when she was young, about her new mother and her sister who was a photographer. Jennie made an off- handed suggestion that Rosie should come to her house sometime and meet her. In return, Rosie regaled her with tales of boarding school and the Australian countryside or teaching herself to play the guitar and her worldwide tour for her last album. She never once felt like she was boring her, and she listened with rapt attention whenever Jennie spoke, finding herself laughing often.
It wasn't until their conversation hit a natural lull, the storm raging on around them while they enjoyed the light show, courtesy of the lightning, that Jennie tentatively broke the silence. There was an anxious note to her voice that made Rosie turn to look at her, tearing her eyes away from the darkness as after images of the fork of red lightning stayed printed on her pupils.
"Hey, Rosie?"
"Mm."
"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it," Jennie slowly said, "but ... you haven't mentioned you being ... well, you know, since that one day."
Eyebrows rising slightly in surprise, Rosie gave her an owlish look, grateful for the darkness inside the car as she felt her cheeks warm. "Oh, you mean how I'm- how I like girls?"
"Yeah," Jennie said, her voice barely audible in the pattering of rain, "that."
"I guess there's nothing else to say," Rosie shrugged.
"But you haven't told your parents? Anyone?"
"No."
"Oh."
Turning to look at her, a wariness in her eyes, Rosie swallowed thickly, her mouth feeling suddenly dry. She took a sip of coffee that had turned cold, grimacing at the taste but craving something to combat the dryness. "Why? Did you say- have you told someone?"
She wouldn't be mad at her if she had, but Rosie would be lying if she said that she was terrified at that moment, afraid that Jennie had let it slip, that there could already be rumours circulating about her. Her heart pounded loudly in her chest and her palms went clammy around the paper coffee cup clenched tightly in her hands, almost buckling under the pressure.
"No," Jennie quickly said, her voice sharp and loud in the confines of the car, before it softened again as she reached out to touch the back of Rosie's hand for a brief moment. "No, of course I didn't. I would never- I just ... well, I was wondering why not."
"It's not easy, you know," Rosie said, sounding mildly peeved as her brow drew together in a frown. "You wouldn't understand-"
"I came out to my mom when I was fifteen," Jennie interrupted her, her voice a murmur and her face stern as she looked out the windscreen, briefly illuminated by a flash of lightning.
Freezing for a moment, Rosie's heart rate didn't settle at all. In fact, it leapt in her chest, her suspicions confirmed, the flickering embers of her hopes stoked as she realised that perhaps she stood a chance, and she had to pause for a moment as she scrambled for something to say. "So you're ..."
"I like men and women," Jennie quietly replied, "I recently got out of a relationship with my co-star, Kim Hanbin. He's my manager's son. She picked me over him in the breakup. A harsh decision, but I guess I brought her more business than him. It was mostly PR anyway, but ... well, I think it's fair to be honest with you when you've been honest with me. And to let you know that you're not alone."
"Are you completely out?"
Jennie laughed, her lips quirking up into a half-hearted smile as she turned to face Rosie. "No, not yet. I hope I will be one day, but I have my career to think about."
"Yeah," Rosie said, the air rushing out of her as she slumped in her seat. She understood that completely, yet it wasn't comforting to know that Jennie was struggling with the same dilemma. At least she'd come out to her family though; Rosie had yet to do that.
"Are you ready to go?" Jennie suggested after a few moments of brooding silence on behalf of them both.
Murmuring her agreement, Rosie leant her head back against the door for the bouncing ride back towards the city, tiredness making her eyes itch as she struggled to keep her eyelids open, and the dull rumble of thunder a comforting sound that threatened to lull her to sleep. They barely spoke on the drive back home, and Jennie turned the music up to a comfortable level, softly singing along to Dreams. Rosie watched her sing, a look of wonder on her face as she traced the lines of the woman's profile, finding her heart stumbling over a few beats as she watched her. Desire gripped her once more, and she turned away, feeling flushed and hot beneath the collar of her coat as her heart ached in an almost painful way.
It was almost a relief when Jennie pulled up outside of her apartment building, killing the headlights and the engine as she put the car in park. Rosie expected her to stay in the car, but Jennie was opening her door and climbing out a moment later. Assuming that she was going to come upstairs for an early morning coffee - the horizon was already starting to lighten to a deep blue, the storm clouds dissipating - Rosie climbed out of the car and stood in the early morning downpour as it plastered her curls to her face. She took a few steps towards the door of the lobby before a warm hand reached out and grabbed her arm, pulling her back around.
Face to face with Jennie, she blinked raindrops out of her eyes and looked up at her, those few inches seeming so big this close up, and she felt a lump form in her throat as she was frozen to the spot by a hand cupping her cheek. With an uncertain look on her face, Jennie hesitated for a moment, before Rosie reached up and cupped one of her cheeks in her own hand. It was an unspoken command, and a moment later Jennie's lips were pressing against hers, hot and soft, and Rosie felt her hand tangling in her blonde curls, while her own hands gently cupped Jennie's wet face, drawing her closer. The ache in her chest vanished as a fire spread throughout her, warming her from the inside out. And then Jennie was pulling back, a nervous smile flitting across her lips, before she ran the sleeve of her coat across her wet forehead, the lenses of her glasses fogged up and speckled with raindrops.
"I'll call you tomorrow," Jennie said, taking a few steps backwards, prolonging the moment for just that tiny bit longer.
Rosie didn't want her to go, and she had to fight the urge to follow after her. If she wasn't still rooted to the spot, hand reaching up to clumsily touch her lips, she probably would've. Instead, she watched as Jennie climbed into her car, and numbly waved to her as she watched her drive away, before trudging up towards her front door and making her way up to her apartment. Falling back against the wooden door, she let out an airy laugh as her face split into a wide smile of disbelief.
-
"You know, there have been moments where I've regretted writing a song," Rosie mused as she smiled, her fingers gently resting against her bottom lip and chin as she sat there with a lost look in her eyes. "Well not writing it, but writing it when I did. I wrote a song called Fearless and there were a few lines in it about a first kiss. About how flawless it was and how fearless it was, and at the time I didn't even know that a first kiss could be like that. I wanted to kick myself for writing that song then, being so naive about such things, because it wasn't until I kissed her for the first time that I realised that I'd been right about it, and I wished so desperately that I'd written it about her. I'd never felt more fearless than at that moment."
"Did she make you feel that way often?"
"Oh all the time," Rosie laughed. "Every moment that I was with her I felt fearless. I said once that fearless wasn't the absence of fear, but being afraid and doing it anyway, and with her ... I was terrified. I was so scared that someone would find out about us, and I fought so hard to keep us a secret, but there was always that chance that someone would find out. But I loved her anyway. How could I not? And I've never stopped for a moment. My only regret now is that I made her stop loving me. In a sense, I was the one who ruined us in the end; the only thing Jennie was guilty of was loving me too much until even that wasn't enough. I did it all myself."