The rest of the week was spent in this way. I avoided my family like the plague and spent the majority of my time in my room or outside. Only Luca made an attempt to speak to me. Yet, I would ignore him and shut him out. Likewise with my friends. They tried to talk to me, but it was useless. If I slept at all, I would get up early and leave the house before my family awoke. I usually used my excuse of going to work to avoid seeing them. I would doze off throughout class in school, remaining silent the entire time.
During lunch I would sit by myself outside under one of the trees and ignore all the stares I got. Liam couldn't attend because he had a lot of work to do at home, but he would constantly text me to make sure I ate. He always got the reassurance that I did. Though I lied. I don't eat. I couldn't.
I was only able to eat an apple but that was it. Otherwise, I would throw up, almost like a habit. Anytime I put food into my body, my body immediately goes to the washroom to get any calories out of my body. I would return to work after school and sit there silently, lacking the energy to do anything. Nicole has been concerned about me ever since she found out about my depression, but she makes no further questions. After dinner, I would return home and head straight to my room. The maids would provide meals that I didn't eat again.
The nights were terrible. With a maximum of two hours of sleep. I was unable to close my eyes without having thoughts about Nicholas or Papa's expression on the day of the fight. His expression of pain made me feel bad about what I had done. I want to apologize so badly but my mind won't let me speak. I told myself it was best this way since they seemed to be caring less and less lately. That way when I leave I know it won't hurt them.
Pathetic bitch
I enter school with simple jeans and a random hoodie that I found. Recently, I haven't given much thought to my appearance because I lack the energy to do anything. My friends swiftly made their way to me after spotting me. Mateo draps his arm around my shoulders, I tense up and gently shrug it off. Mateo seemed upset but missed to notice my anxiety. When I turn to the side, I notice Marco looking at me closely. I turn away as I move faster away from the group.
"Bella!" Someone shouts from behind me as I halt in my place. The sudden feeling of dizziness makes me wince slightly. A hand is placed on my shoulder as I take a step away. Noah quickly retracts his hand, giving me a sympathetic smile.
"Are you okay?" I nod my head slowly. The ones who knew about my past gave me a sad smile while the others looked at me in confusion and concern. I shake my head at them and quickly walk to class with them behind me.
Class continued as usual. They would try to speak to me, but I would respond in silence because I didn't feel like talking. Despite feeling bad about my rude behavior, I couldn't change it. God, I'm such a bitch.
I choose to leave early because I have a free period at the end of the day. My phone starts to ping as I move towards my car. As I go to grab it, I simply find another message from Nicholas.
Ignore me as much as you'd like but soon enough I'll have you all to myself.
I can't do this. Even though I've been ignoring all of his texts, they are happening more frequently. I hate him. He makes me so goddamn angry. Every time I think of him, I am reminded of all the awful and repulsive things he did. Every time a whip or knife touched my flesh, it left a fresh scar. They claim that the new story demonstrates your strength. I, however, am not strong. They merely highlight my weakness. I didn't fight back.
I allowed them to use my body as their own as they created art using me. Another scar appeared every time he bound me to the bed and committed those vile acts. Even though others cannot see this scar. Just to me. Like a daily reminder of my worthlessness. I was tossed around like a toy or a rag doll. Like I was nothing.
Every day of my life, I've struggled to get through. Even so, he won. I lost. He got all he wanted. He was the one person who could have broken me. I despise everything he created. My insecurities were made by him. My scars are his doing. He caused the void I experienced. He destroyed me. He robbed me of everything.
I discreetly went inside the house to check whether anyone was there. I make my way to my room rushing to the washroom. I stumble as I search the drawer for it. I panic when I can't find it. I scratch at my wrist for any sort of escape. Finally finding it in the shower I draw my shirt up and let its blade gently pass my stomach. Blood leaks through, but doing it a second time made me feel euphoric.
As I'm done and the adrenaline passes, I place the blade down on the counter, cleaning the blood on my stomach before taking the gauze wrapping it around myself.
"Hey, I knocked but you didn't answer," Luca stops midway as he sees my tear stained face. I freeze in place, still wrapping the gauze. "What are you doing?" He asks slowly. Snapping out of my daze, I quickly pulled down my shirt and pushed the blade back into the sink so he couldn't see it.
"Bella, what are you doing?" He takes a step forward with a panicked expression. I stay rooted to the spot, my mouth in a tight line. By now he stands right in front of me as his trembling hand reaches behind me to the blade. He held it in front of him, his eyes widening and filled with panic.
"You did it to yourself." he whispers, his hands shaking as his eyes stay glued to the blade with fresh blood on it. My blood. The blood we shared.
"I-" was all I could manage to say. I couldn't bear to see my twins utter disappointment in me. Having your other half look at you with disgust is something that no one ever wants to see.
"Arabella," he said slowly, finally meeting my eyes as we both had tears in them. "Please. Please tell me." He pleaded with me, almost wishing that it wasn't true. I knew I couldn't give him the answer that he wanted.
I back up into the wall behind me sliding down the wall holding my knees to my chest. I bury my face into my knees letting my tears fall silently and away from his stare. I hated that he was going to be disappointed in me. My own twin was going to hate me. I knew what I was doing was terrible but knowing your twin thinks the same thing is so much worse.
Beside me I feel someone sit down next to me. A hand begins rubbing my back soothingly as I slowly meet Luca's gaze. He removes his hand away from my back keeping them on his knees as he looks at me with slight tears brimming in his eyes as his hand continues to shake vigorously.
"Can you tell me why?" He says slowly as if he spoke too loud I would break. I turned away from him, taking a deep breath.
"I was raped." I say in a mere whisper, my voice cracking. I feel Luca immediately tense beside me. Taking another shuddering breath I continue. "I don't really want to talk about all the details but it happened when Lilith sold me to this one man. He made me give myself to him. I refused- I swear-but he ended up beating me and did it without my consent as I was fighting for consciousness. He ended up doing it 3 times after that. But the worst part was-" I stopped myself not even being able to continue. Luca continued to stare forward not saying a word but you could see his lip trembling as his hands were in tight fists to stop them from shaking.
"Was?" He says quietly, his voice unsure.
I pause and my voice is a quiet whisper.
"I was 9 when it first happened." I said it as strongly as I could but it was no use as my body betrayed me. I can't stop thinking about it. About what he did. How he touched me. How his hands roamed my body. How he painfully did it. How he listens to my begs and cries like music. How he laughed at my misery. How he violated me.
Tears blur my vision as my heart clenches painfully. My mind works on its own as I stand up making my way to the counter where the blade lays. My shaky hand reached for it until it's stopped by someone else's hand. My eyes travel up to Luca's tear streaked face. Tears continue to fall on both of our faces as he pulls me into his comforting embrace. I break down in his arms as sobs rip through me. I collapse onto the ground bringing Luca down with me as we both cry together. When the cries subside Luca lays his forehead on mine taking deep breaths.
"I can't believe you went through that. You have gone through hell and back but here you are. Even after everything you continued to be the badass that you are." At that we both chuckle. "I remember wishing day and night that I had done something that day. I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to protect you." I cut him off before he could finish.
"You were three like me. There was nothing you could do."
"Bu-"
"No buts. Get it through your goddamn mind that it wasn't your fault." I say sternly as he pulls me into a hug. He begins speaking again his head resting on top of mine
"You are the strongest person I know and I wish to be like you." He looks down at me with a smile.
"I love you Luca." I say it gently, meaning it. I truly did. I loved my family with everything in me.
"Nah I don't love you." He laughs as I playfully glare at him standing up.
I splash some water on my face since my face washes away the remains of dried tears. I looked in the mirror and my eyes were still slightly red and puffy but not too bad. As I turn off the faucet I glance at the razor again. Luca follows my line of vision quickly sobering up. He stands up and grabs the razor away. He looks at me dead in the eye in all seriousness.
"Arabella. Please. You can't keep doing this. You're only hurting yourself and it won't make anything better. It may seem like it's helping now but in the long run do you think it will? No. So if you ever feel like doing it, call me immediately. And I mean immediately. I will pick up no matter what." He looks at me waiting for an answer and I reluctantly nod my head.
Even if the same words from Liam are being used by Luca, there was a difference. Liam, he didn't understand me in the same way that I knew Luca could. In all honesty, I'd rather Liam be disappointed in me than ever having to lose Luca. He was right. I couldn't keep doing this. It wasn't going to help anymore.
Was it going to be hard? Yes. But I'll try. And I'll try damn hard. Yet it will undoubtedly take some time. I won't cut it. Yet, I can't promise that I won't take other actions that might harm me. For instance, I might unintentionally scratch my arms or draw blood from my hands with my nails. Even though in a way it's still causing some sort of damage to me, I need to take baby steps. Which will begin by staying away from extreme methods. A s in cutting. I can do this. I can. I can.
You can
He gives me a smile and tells me to shower and meet him outside. I take a quick one relaxing under its warmth before getting out with a towel wrapped around me. I glance at Luca who holds a bag in hand while picking up a few of my things.
"What are you doing?" He jumps before looking at me hesitantly.
"I'm just taking sharp objects. Just for now though." He reassures me. I intake a shaky breath and nod my head quietly making my way to the closet. I end up putting on light gray sweatpants and a baby blue long sleeved shirt. My hair is left in its natural curls while I put on some fluffy socks.
When I make my way to my bed Luca lays there on his phone reading something intently until I clear my throat, snapping him out of his thoughts.
(He was reading different sites to learn how to help Arabella 😢)
"Can you not tell the rest about what I told you? I'll tell them when the time's right. Just not yet." I tell him softly and he hesitantly nods his head.
He smiles at me getting up. "What do you want to do?" He asks me as I shrug, grabbing my phone only to see it would die soon. I rummaged around my room for my charger but for some reason couldn't find it.
"Have you seen my charger?" I question Luca who's eyes immediately widen.
"I kinda borrowed it and accidentally broke it." He smiled sheepishly at me scratching the back of his neck. And now I'm pissed. I look at him blankly before charging at him. As if reading my mind Luca is quick to run out of the room running down the stairs and with his long legs he had the advantage.
But there was no way in hell I was going to let him get away from breaking my charger. I hop onto the railing sliding down and jumping onto Luca's retreating figure effectively tackling him to the floor with my straddling his back. I grab one of his arms pulling back and twisting it back slightly as he groans in pain apologizing profusely. But I just move it further as he shouts in pain.
Don't worry I'm not actually going to seriously hurt him. Just enough to scare him. Before I could do anything large arms wrap around my pulling me off him even with my struggling. When they put me down I spin in my heel and come face to chest. Looking up I see Alejandro's emotionless eyes. I give him a small nod backing away as hurt flashes in his eyes.
I'm suddenly tackled into a hug by all my older cousins. I had no idea they were watching us from where they were standing. Sadly, though, my body wouldn't let me enjoy the moment, and I quickly tensed up and squirmed out of the hug. They all released their grips and turned to face me, looking at me with a mixture of confusion and sadness. They glanced down, as though my actions had painted them. With the exception of my older cousins, who were intently observing me.
"Sissy!" Someone screams before little footsteps come rushing to me. I catch Elijah in my arms, a huge grin making its way onto my face while I spin him around in the air. He giggles before I hold him to my chest peppering his whole face with light kisses while he continues to laugh in my arms.
"I missed you!" He squeals.
"I missed you so much too, little man. You have know idea."
Putting Elijah down I glance up and am yet again embraced into a hug. I would have pushed them away but I relaxed into the motherly embrace of grandma's hug. When she pulls away I make eye contact with grandpa who begins to open his arm but I give him a small smile averting my eyes. From the corner of my eye I can see grandpa look like someone had just stepped on his dog. I knew I was being an asshole.
Ever since I've been thinking of Nicholas, any contact with a man just gives me flashbacks. I couldn't help it. Looking around the room everyone has the same defeated look. Except the worst part was papa and grandpa who looked heartbroken.
Sensing the tension Luca awkwardly clears his throat getting everyone's attention. I'm praying I don't have to hang out with the rest of the family. As bad as that sounds I knew well enough that I would do something rude that would hurt them. For example right now. Reading my mind Luca speaks.
"So me and Arabella haven't gotten any twin bonding time lately so we're gonna hang out together for the rest of the day, if that's okay? Elijah can join too since he's the youngest." Luca says nonchalantly. There's a round of protests from the younger ones but Alejandro shuts them up quickly with one look.
"Sure. You guys can go do that." He nods his head at us making Elijah squeal in spot as everyone laughs at his behavior. I go to pick up Elijah until I feel a stabbing pain in my head making me wince. I stand up quickly holding my head with my hand pinching my head. Taking a deep breath the pain disappears and I open my eyes to see everyone looking at me concerned. Luca is the first to rush to me.
"Are you okay?" I give him a small smile.
"Yeah I just have a really bad headache but I'll take some Tylenol for it later." He reluctantly nods his head, still looking at me suspiciously. With one last glance at the rest of the family who seems to be watching my every move, the three of us make our way to my room.
Luca puts on a movie as we plop onto my bed. That was how the rest of the night went. We binge watched a few movies and Luca even brought snacks which I don't eat since I would have thrown up. We ended up ordering out and ate it in my room. Soon enough Elijah ended up falling asleep cuddled into me. I hold Luca's hand as I drift off into a dreamless slumber.
~~~
Elijah was still clinging to me when I woke up, and Luca wasn't in bed. He must have woken before me. I woke up two hours after going to sleep and stayed awake for another hour, staring at the ceiling. I did get an extra hour of sleep after that though. 3 hours! Yay! God, I really need to sleep. I get out of bed and head to the restroom.
Walking out I finish my hair which is styled into a neat low bun and just in time as Elijah walks out with a towel wrapped around him. I pulled out a shopping bag filled with clothes for Elijah that I had bought a little earlier this week. Most of it matches my own clothes so that he could match with me. I hand him black jeans, a white T-shirt with a beige jean jacket just like me. He takes them changing in the washroom and walking out. When seeing us marching he jumps in excitement pulling me into a hug as I chuckle lightly. A knock is heard as Luca peaks his head though a smile among its way onto his lips as he sees us.
"Looks like my badass sister is a complete softy." He grins as I scoff.
"This softly also knows how to beat your ass. So move it or lose it." I begin pushing him out. He puts his hand up in mock surrender as Elijah giggles at us.
Making our way downstairs we're all laughing at a joke Luca made until we hear all chatter around the table shut down. So does our own laughter. I awkwardly sit down in one of the chairs with Elijah beside me on my left and Luca on my right. Luca reaches his hand over, giving it a reassuring squeeze and I give him a small smile back glancing around the table mumbling a quiet 'good morning'. Everyone looks at me like they're walking on eggshells as they return the greeting.
I fill up a plate handing it to Elijah and take a granola bar for myself shrugging into my seat. Taking my first bite I look up to meet grandma's concerned eyes.
"Is that all you're eating sweetie?" She asks, gaining everyone's attention. I simply shrug, not bothering to speak.
"Bambina, a granola bar, isn't enough for breakfast." Grandpa sighs.
"This is my food." I say simply which causes his eyes to narrow at me.
"I will not tolerate disrespect." He grits angrily, making me shrink back into my seat.
"I'm sorry. I'm just not hungry." I mumble quietly. Suddenly he gets up making his way to me. Memories of Nicholas come resurfacing back and I can't hold back my flinch as I cower away from him.
"I'm sorry! It won't happen again!" My lip trembles while holding my hands to my face bracing myself for the impact that never came. I slowly open my eyes, bringing my hands down to see grandpa with an unreadable expression. He bends down to my level so he could meet my eyes. My eyes immediately train to the ground. He gently placed his hand under my chin and I slightly cringe from the touch but he decides to ignore it as he lifts my head to stare into his sad eyes.
"You know I would never hurt you right?" He asks softly. When I don't respond he sighs sadly.
"Bambina, I would never lay a hand on you. Ever. Never think that I would ever do so. Even till my last breath I would never do such a thing." I meekly nod my head as he stands up again. Everyone seemed to be watching our interaction with grave expressions. Grandma even had tears in her eyes that I quickly had to look away from. A plate of food is placed in front of me as grandpa gives me a stern look telling me to eat. I knew I had no option so it takes all my strength to eat them without throwing it all up.
When I'm done I need to keep my mouth shut taking deep breaths to not give all the food out. As everyone clears the table I stand up as well quickly rushing to my washroom emptying some of the contents from breakfast and then dry heaving for a few minutes. I quickly cleaned up, brushing my teeth again and laying on my bed.
It's hard to think that just last week I was happy with my family as we fought over what movie to watch and ended up throwing popcorn at each other to get the remote. Or that just a few months ago I used to live with Lilith and her constant beating until I was taken in by my family. My real family. They have shown nothing but love and kindness toward me. Xander is debatable but he soon comes around. I had them and that was enough.
But it saddens me to say that I can't show them my appreciation. I hate it. I hate that I'm the one who is hurting them. I don't know how to explain it but my body just went into auto pilot mode and I can't control the way I react to things. It's as if my mind is still stuck with the time when I was Nicholas. The god damn past. Something that you can't run away from. No matter what I do to forget it, it always comes back to bite me in the ass.
A knock is heard from my door snapping me out of my thoughts. I sigh sadly, getting up and opening it to see Luca and Elijah smiling brightly at me, making a smile appear on my own. I move out of the way letting them enter.
"So what are you doing here?" I ask after I plop down on my chair while they lay on my bed.
"Well, Elijah was saying that he needed to talk to you but he wouldn't tell me why," Luca starts turning to Elijah to continue.
"Can we meet Adelaide, again?" He asks timidly.
"Adelaide? Who's that?" Questions Luca confused.
"Dominic's younger sister. Remember last week when I went out for lunch with Elijah? We met them at the park and they had lunch with us." I shrug picking at my nails.
"Damn. I guess you miss a lot sometimes." He mutters quietly. I moved to the bed, lying down again as Luca went to sit on the couch.
"So Adelaide?" Elijah asks hopefully.
"Let me ask." I say grabbing my phone.
Ringing Dominic...
Authors Note
The beginning was more of a filler to see how Arabella's doing. Which wasn't so great but now she has her twins support making her feel less alone. Some people are probably a little pissed that they aren't telling the rest of the family so she can get the help that she needs, but it isn't that easy. With someone who went through such trauma alone, it's difficult to open up to others so easily.
Next thing that I think I should clear up something that happened in the last chapter. So if you remember, there's the scene where she comes home and ends up snapping at them, telling them that they should leave her alone. Everyone seemed really pissed that she said that but at the same time she isn't exactly in the right state of mind even if that did come out really bitchy.
The next chapter will be a really cute encounter between Arabella and Dominic! I'm so excited to write that. Ahhhhh
Bye babes