Chapter Eight:
Dove
A week.
It's been a week since I've been dragged out of the dark, and I didn't like it.
A week of being in the light when I wanted nothing more than to retreat in the back of my mind. I wanted the darkness to consume me as it had before. I craved not being able to feel anything in my heart as I curled up in the corner of the basement I'd been used to. I yearn for not being able to think or feel anything.
I missed the devil.
For a week, I was visited every day by different people. They were all so bright and wanted to talk to me constantly. There's a girl, Anastasia, from what I remember her telling me, are the estate's chef and head maid.
She kept talking and encouraging me to eat. Yet each time, I would only shun her along with everyone else away in hopes that I could retreat to the back of my mind. My body constantly ached, and I was forced to move even though I wanted to hideaway.
Then, there's Timor and another man named Nicolai. They would often keep their distance, looking at me from a distance to make sure I was okay before walking off. Every time they came too close, I would always tense and convulse. There's another woman as well, who wouldn't say a word to me. She would simply glance at me before leaving. I often found myself wanting to close the doors and window so it would imitate the constant I've been used to for the past few weeks before they dragged me out.
Whenever I felt too much, I would often hide under the bed or in the corner.
Each time, I would have no choice but coaxed out by Gedeon Sokoloff. He's the Russian leader and my lawfully wedded husband. I couldn't believe it. After all, I have been betrothed to the devil for as long as I can remember. It didn't make sense at all why he kept calling to me. Yet, when he found me hiding or in pain, it looked like he was physically in pain.
In return, a dull ache would be felt in my heart as well—almost as if his pain is mine.
What I hated most was how my body felt around him. I didn't find it comfortable for others to be near me. My body would reject it, sweating, and the need to vomit would overtake me. Yet, Gedeon was the only one able to get close enough to me. He would often hold me close, and rather than tensing as I did with the devil, I would only relax before I caught myself in doing so.
"My stubborn wife," he would chuckle before kissing the top of my head. His eyes often shined whenever he spoke to me like I was his everything. I usually would look away, hating what he was going to me as he questioned me. "What are you thinking of?"
Again, I would refuse to answer him. Finally, when I didn't say anything, he would only catch my chin and gently tip my head, so I was looking at him once more. He was frowning slightly; his brows bumped together before my eyes found him again. He would then smile, rubbing his nose against mine.
"Keep your pretty eyes on me, okay? I don't like it when you look away from me," he commented. I drew a sharp breath as another acute pain raked my skull. I've heard him say those words before. It felt like centuries ago now as my body felt like it was on fire. So it was when he made love to me. It was different when he touched me compared to the devil. When the devil touched me, everything hurt. With him, it's a constant craving I couldn't satisfy.
Gedeon kept me company for the seven days, barely leaving my side unless it was necessary. He prompted me up in his arms, reading to me. He would ask me whimsical questions and bring me to places around the estate to coax me into talking. My favorite place became the greenhouse, and he seemed to notice as we would often find ourselves there. He'd let me walk around; his eyes focused on me as if he couldn't quite believe I was here.
I couldn't either.
Every night, I would find myself waking up screaming and my heart feeling like it was going to give out. The nightmares only get worse, and more often or not, I begged for my heart to stop beating. I prayed for the pain to stop. I didn't want to feel anymore, and it seems I am whenever I'm with the man he called my husband.
Usually, my morning consists of Gedeon gently peppering me with kisses before I start stirring. I'm still not used to waking up with him next to me. I didn't like how my body seemed so relaxed and content whenever he was around me. I hated touch, and yet with Gedeon, I'm slowly starting to crave it more. The flinching wasn't as bad anymore, and his touch soothed me more than anything else.
His eyes would glisten and shine whenever I slowly opened my eyes as he whispered in my ears:
"Good morning, Precious."
Oddly enough, this morning, I awoke alone. A frown crept its way to my face as I rubbed the sleep in my eyes. I looked around in a daze before my eyes landed on the grandfather clock. I had well slept past my usual morning routine. Slowly, I shuffled upwards just in time for a knock to be heard. I never understood why they felt the urge to knock, as this estate wasn't mine.
I wasn't anything more than deserved my privacy, after all.
A few seconds later, Anastasia popped her head in, and my shoulders sagged a bit in disappointment before I could stop myself. I thought it would be Gedeon, despite me not wanting to see him at the same time. He was a dangerous one, maybe even more frightening than the devil with how he makes me feel.
"Good morning, Dove," Anatasia chirped, beaming at me. "Are you hungry?"
At that, I shook my head gently. My mind wavered on why she was here. I wouldn't see Anastasia or the others unless it was time for supper. I'm still used to answering people when being spoken to, but it made everyone so happy, as if I had given them the cure for an incurable disease that I started answering in the forms of head nodding or shaking.
"Well, what do you want to do today? Actually, you should brush your teeth and get ready first," she continued to talk, filling in the silence. She tilted her head to the side. "I'll pick you up in ten minutes then so you can have some time to get ready. I think Nicolai isn't awake yet either, so I have to drag his lazy ass up. But, first, you have to eat a bit, so I made your favorite oatmeal with berries with avocado toast if you're up for it. Do you remember it being your favorite?"
I meekly shake my head. It was hard shaking my head because Robert hated it whenever I said no to him. He would have the sickest smile on his face as his hand wrapped around my neck. He liked it when I told him no because it made my punishment worse, especially when I begged him to stop—bile formed in my throat as I swallowed the lump in my throat.
"That's okay," she conceded when she realized my breathing became shallower. "I'm sorry for pushing you. I'll be back soon, okay?"
I hated how her voice was cracking when she spoke before she hurried off. It's another thing I didn't understand about her. Sometimes, she would have this guilty look in her eyes that I didn't know why it was there in the first place. It's like she had done something to me which I didn't remember anyway.
Wordlessly, I made my way over to the bathroom and got myself ready for the day. It's the first time since I was brought back into the light that Gedeon wasn't here. I tried not to think about him so much, but it was rather hard as he's been surrounding himself with me however he could. I brushed my teeth and washed my face before changing into a light floral dress from the large walk-in closet.
I'm still not rather convinced that I am Gedeon's wife, much less who I was when I was with him. Everyone seemed to know me, and it felt odd to be spoken to. All my life, aside from my mother, I was usually ignored.
Slipping on my dress, my eyes then caught onto a small tattered, yellowing book sticking out. It looked so out of place and familiar at the same time. Before I could think about it, my hands reached forward as I grabbed the hand from where it had been buried.
A copy of Little Women greeted me back. It was more tattered than I remembered when Mother first gave me the book for my birthday when I was ten. But, I guess it's more than positive now that I did end up at Gedeon's wife in a series of events. I opened the first page, and sure enough, it was an old sketch of my mother with a smile on her face. I couldn't help but smile in return before I flipped through.
I expected to see the small number of sketches I had done while trapped in my room of tiny sparrows and some of my favorite scenery and flowers. Yet, I was surprised when I saw what else was etched upon the pages as I blinked a few times. They were flooded with Gedeon's that stole my breath away. Small snippets of memories dangled right in front of me, and just as I was reaching for it, Anastasia's voice rang down the hall.
"Where the hell is Gedeon? I got a text this morning to look after Dove, but nothing since then."
Immediately, I snapped the book closed and placed it back. I guess Anastasia and Nicolai didn't realize just how loud they were. I held my breath, equally curious as to where he was even though I didn't want to admit it. I wasn't supposed to have any opinions or desires.
"Last I heard, he went with Lizabeta to Ophelia's," Nicolai answered her. I recalled her being the other woman around the house aside from Anastasia's. She never talked to me, and I often found myself not wanting to converse with her all that much either. I felt my mouth pull downwards for a brief moment before I stopped myself.
Who was she to Gedeon?
"What? Why?" Anastasia sounded somewhat revolted by the idea as I felt inside. "What are they doing at Ophelia's bar that they couldn't converse about here?"
"You don't have to worry about it," Nicolai murmured. "It's something between those two only."
Again, my insides churned and twisted. Something inside me doesn't settle well with me. Suddenly, my brain throbbed painfully as a searing pain hit me on the side. I gasped, and I'm back again with the devil. He's holding me down, but I don't know how or when I was there for.
"Why are you crying, Pigeon? Do you think you made a dent in his world? An Italian?" Robert taunts lowly in my ears. "You are nothing. He's probably fucking someone else right now. Finding a much sweeter cunt than your used one."
When was that?
I felt as if I had an out-of-body experience for a moment, and then the feeling of disgust and shame filled me. Suddenly, my arms felt the pricking sensation, and I needed it to go away. I needed to wash, no, burn it out. It was the only way to wash away the feeling of his touch—the impurity.
My heart squeezed tightly at these words. A tear slipped out of my eyes before I could stop myself. It's another flashback, but I didn't recall when it was. The nightmares I had only told me so much of the pain I went through, but never like this.
Had Gedeon got fed up with me because I couldn't remember?
"Dove?" Anastasia lightly went to knock on my door. "Are you ready?"
I brushed away the wayward tears. I couldn't let her know that I had overheard in case she blamed herself. I should have known better, much less to think that Gedeon would want someone like me. It didn't make any sense for him to be in love with someone like me, much less marry me.
He did it out of pity, didn't he?
Placing the book back in place, I went to open the front door. If Anastasia did notice something was wrong, she didn't say anything regarding it. Nicolai was there as well, though he doesn't look as hostile anymore towards me.
"I bet you like the attention, don't you, you little whore?"
Again, the devil was in my head as he whispered sinister things to me. But he's wrong as I didn't want the attention. I didn't want anything more than for them to leave me alone since I woke back up. The thought of feeling numb felt more than heavily right now as I gently placed a hand over my heart.
"Is something wrong with her?" Nicolai questioned, but he didn't take a step closer to me.
A pathetic, useless dirty whore that needed discipline.
The girl who can't do anything besides sit still to please men.
"Would you like to go outside to the greenhouse today? Or maybe just in the library?" Anastasia asked timidly, her brows knit together in concern. I don't know what the correct answer was. It always felt like it was a test. I shook my head in response. Robert was gone now, but for how long before he would come back?
I still think I'm sometimes dreaming.
Again, I wanted to shower and rub away the impurity. But, unfortunately, I didn't know how to convey it, other than pointing my fingers to where the bathroom was hesitantly and then my hair.
"Oh, you want to shower?" she asked curiously.
I gave a slight, meek nod. I'm already itching for it, a way to erase the bad memories.
"Should I help you bathe? I don't mind," Anastasia suggested as she took a step towards me. "Actually, the first time you came, I helped you out."
I shook my head. I wanted to be alone and composed of my thoughts. Instead, my heart felt as if it was getting tugged in all sorts of directions. My body is prickling again like the first time I woke back up. Accept this time; I had no one to take it away and make me feel safe. I was alone once more.
"Okay, if you need anything, let me know. Just click this little buzzer, and I'll get a notification. Twice if you're ready, and I can come to get you for breakfast. Okay?" Anastasia reminded me. Right, the buzzer they equipped me over my head was my form of communication. Though they never let me out of their sight, they were scared if anything were to happen to me.
I made my way to the bathroom. Once the door was locked, I quickly scrambled to turn on the showerhead to the hottest possible temperature. Naked, my eyes landed onto the rigid dark scars on my wrists and then my family's branding on my ribcage. Other scars were still in the midst of healing.
I need to wash away his touch now.
Instead of crying out of the boiling water striking my flesh, I embraced it. It was the only way for me to wash away the dirtiness, his touch. No matter how hot the water was as it ran down my body, I felt like it wasn't going away. I continued to scrub with all my might, the water scalding my body consistently. Finally, when I felt like that wasn't enough, I resorted to using my own fingers, hoping that the dirtiness I was feeling would disappear.
The devil's grasp was on me again, trying to drag me back into the dark with his hands on my neck. I hated it but welcomed it as it was better than the thought of Gedeon with someone else as darkness enveloped me.
I'm back, Beautiful!
I'm really sorry to those that I had worried about in my absence! I'm finally feeling better enough to get back into writing (both mentally and physically). Since then, I've been on a writing spree and the next two chapters have been written as well that's going to make you hate me.
(According to my editors)
A new chapter is out and there will be another one Friday as per usual!
What do you think Gedeon was doing?