He followed the sounds of shuffling and soft thumps of opening and closing cabinets down the hallway to the kitchen. Off to the left, in the living room area, but still in sight through the open floor plan, he could see Eun Jung rocking in her swing. She was dressed in her rainbow sprinkle romper. One hand was wrapped around her foot while the other clutched her activity ball.
To his right, Se Ri was standing in front of the stove, a cup of coffee in one hand, a spatula in the other. She was dressed in a pair of sweatpants and an old SNU t-shirt. Fleet Foxes was playing softly in the background.
He smiled at the sight in front of him. The awkwardness of their parting last night was instantly forgotten. One day soon, this could be their reality. He could hold out a little longer if it meant they didn't squander the possibility. Of course, as much as he loved the idea of waking up to more mornings like this, there was one thing happening here that he knew better than to expect on a regular basis.
"Are those eggs?" he asked.
Se Ri turned around, startled by the sound of his voice. "Jeong Hyeok," she chirped in surprise.
He smirked, walking into the kitchen to join her. "You expecting someone else?" he asked, leaning in to give her a kiss on the cheek.
"No," she shook her head. "I just... I wasn't finished yet. I wanted to surprise you."
"You're using the stove. I am surprised," he teased. "I believe the last time you made me breakfast it came out of a tube."
"Well, I figured I couldn't screw up eggs too badly. There's toast too and I cut up some strawberries I found in the fridge."
"You better be careful, a guy could get used to this. You might turn me into some sexist pig who wants his woman barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen." He bumped his hip up against hers.
Se Ri scoffed. "You wouldn't be saying that if you had seen me pregnant," she replied.
He felt a twinge of regret at the thought that he'd missed out on that. But he let it go. They were past that. Maybe someday he would have the chance, but for now, he was focused on their present. "I am sure you looked amazing pregnant," he assured her.
"If I looked anything like I felt..." she turned the stove off and moved the pan from the burner. "But never mind that," she turned to face him. "I want to pamper my man. Sit," she gave him a big grin and nodded at the kitchen island.
"Seriously," he mused, "I must have done something really right last night to get this kind of treatment. Although for the life of me I can't figure out what, because I usually earn my breakfast in bed." He joked.
Se Ri tensed up, turning away again. She reached up to open the cabinet and grab two plates. Her shirt rode up, revealing a strip of alabaster flesh that he ached to reach out and touch. Se Ri's hand snapped down, tugging at the hem and hiding the flesh away. Jeong Hyeok sighed. Apparently looking and touching were both off-limits. Perhaps it was for the best-- he didn't need extra temptations.
"Too soon?" he asked of his joke. Se Ri didn't answer, just divvied the eggs up between two plates and grabbed the toast out of the toaster. Jeong Hyeok took a deep breath, then went to sit at the counter where the butter and strawberries were, along with a container of orange juice were already waiting. Se Ri silently put the plates down in front of him before retrieving some utensils from the drawer and joining him.
Jeong Hyeok took a few bites of eggs as the awkward silence engulfed them. He glanced to his left to see Se Ri picking at a couple of cut up strawberries. "Okay, this is ridiculous," he finally said, dropping his fork and letting it clatter on his plate. "Are you mad at me or something? Because if so, I really don't get why you made me breakfast."
She turned her head to look at him. "Why would I be mad at you?" she asked, sounding thoroughly perplexed despite her shifty behaviour.
"I don't know--" he replied. "Maybe I..." his chest clenched tightly, "made you feel pressured?"
She shook her head. "You were a gentleman," she assured him.
He let out a breath of relief. "Switzerland then?" he asked.
Se Ri groaned. "I told you, I am not mad about Switzerland."
"Well, it's obviously something because you can cut the tension in here with a knife." He paused, remembering something she'd said last night. He furrowed his brows in concern. "Are you worried I'm mad at you?"
Her face turned and looked away hurriedly, confirming his last suspicion was true.
"Love, no," he reached for her hand. "That's ridiculous."
"Well, you obviously wanted to..." she replied.
"Have sex with you? Hell yes. I am a man. A man who hasn't had sex in months. But I am not 22 anymore. I have self-control. And there are things way more important than my libido-- like you and Eun Jung. I don't want to do anything to mess that up and you were right to stop things. We're supposed to wait so we'll wait."
Se Ri sighed, her shoulder slumping wearily. "Okay," she nodded, but she didn't seem convinced. Although for the life of him, he couldn't understand why. He'd have to be a complete asshole to be mad at her for saying no, even if they were at that point of reconciliation.
"Listen, we can talk about it over with Ms Park on Tuesday. Maybe it will help if we have a plan... some idea of when it might be?" This didn't seem to appease her. She pushed her stool back from the counter and stood up, grabbing her plate and walking it over to the sink. He looked at her with narrowed eyes. "You barely ate," he noted.
She shrugged, turning to face him. "I am full. I was snacking while I cooked," she explained.
He nodded, accepting her answer. "So we're good?" he asked cautiously.
She nodded, plastering on a smile that didn't quite meet her eyes. "We're good," she insisted. "Like you said, we'll talk about it with Ms Park on Tuesday."
****
"Hey," Jeong Hyeok greeted Se Ri as he entered Seo Yeon's room.
"Hello, darling," Se Ri stood up to meet him.
He walked over to give her a kiss. "I am not late?" he asked, glancing down at his watch to see the time 2.59-- he breathed a sigh of relief. He'd had a teleconference that had run over then his car had gotten stuck in traffic. He'd been certain he was going to be late.
"Right on time," Se Ri replied just as Seo Yeon opened the door and beckoned them in. They entered the posh, yet cosy office space.
"So," Seo Yeon said once they'd settled in, "Saturday was the big date, right?" They gave each other a glance, their unspoken words apparently saying volumes.
"That good, huh?" Seo Yeon asked, her eyebrows arching perceptively.
"It was amazing," Se Ri nodded.
"Really?" Seo Yeon prodded, her eyes tracing back and forth between them, "because your body language says differently."
"Really," Jeong Hyeok backed his girlfriend up. It was true. Most of the night had been amazing. "There were a few awkward moments but..." he turned to Se Ri for confirmation, "I think we handled them okay." They'd learned some things about each other that had hurt, but they'd handled those revelations like mature adults. It was after the date that things got weird. And he'd hated that awkwardness had been following them for days.
Se Ri nodded in agreement.
"That's good." Seo Yeon replied. "That's what's supposed to happen. Getting to know each other-- the good, the bad, the ugly. It's uncomfortable. But you don't get to the comfortable by ignoring it, you get there by letting it out and working through it."
"I think we did that," Se Ri confirmed. "I mean, there were some painful truths but at the end of the night," she looked at Jeong Hyeok, grabbing his hand, then looking back at Seo Yeon. "I felt closer to him."
"Then what's the problem?" Seo Yeon asked, clearly able to tell that there was a problem.
Jeong Hyeok rubbed his suddenly sweaty palms nervously over his thighs. "The problem is we may have felt a little... too close?" it came out as a question.
"Really? How so?" Seo Yeon cocked her head to the side, waiting for them to say more. He doubted she hadn't caught on the innuendo, but apparently, she wanted them to say more.
"Well, Eun Jung was at my place, so we went back to the apartment to get her," Jeong Hyeok started. "She was asleep and it was late, so..." he swallowed uncomfortably. "Anyway, one thing led to another and..."
"You had sex?" Seo Yeon finally surmised.
"No."
"No?" she asked in surprise.
"I mean, things were headed in that direction, but no. We stopped ut, or, well..." he squeezed the hand in his. "Se Ri did," he added, wanting to give her the credit for having the sense to do what he couldn't.
"Why?"
"Why?" Jeong Hyeok repeated.
"Yes." Seo Yeon centred her gaze on Se Ri. "Why did you stop it?"
"Umm," Se Ri glanced up, her fingers still fidgeting in her lap. "It's just... what you said, about needing to cement our emotional intimacy before engaging in physical intimacy."
Seo Yeon nodded thoughtfully. "And you don't think you've done that?" she asked.
"Umm, I don't know. I mean, I guess..." Se Ri let out a weighty exhale. Her eyes were darting, her body language clearly uncomfortable. Jeong Hyeok placed his hand comfortingly on her knee, hoping to know that however she felt, he supported her. "I don't know," was all she repeated.
Seo Yeon shifted her focus to Jeong Hyeok again. "And how do you feel about it?" she asked.
"Well," Jeong Hyeok started. "I mean, in the best moment, there may have been some... frustration," he admitted. "But the last thing I want is for us to go there before we're ready and mess up all the progress we've made. I am glad she had the foresight to do what I couldn't at that moment."
"So, then you think it was right to stop?" Seo Yeon prodded further. "You think the two of you aren't ready?"
Jeong Hyeok's eyes narrowed thoughtfully. Did he? He hadn't really thought about what he'd thought. He'd been just waiting for Seo Yeon to give them the green light. "I don't know," he admitted. "Do you think we're ready?"
"Is that what you need to hear?" she asked. "Is that all that's holding you back? That you're waiting for my... permission?"
When she put it like that it sounded ludicrous. They were grown adults, well into their thirties. And they were waiting for permission to have sex? He knew that wasn't exactly it. It wasn't Seo Yeon's permission he needed, so much as her insight.
The truth was, he didn't trust himself to know when they're ready. "I guess... I don't even know what ready is? I feel ready, but how do I know that's not just because... and please, excuse me here, but... how do I know it's not just because I am horny as hell?"
Seo Yeon chuckled. "Well, that is a valid concern. While it's natural to crave sex, when it comes to true intimacy, you don't want to let your body be leading the charge. But in this case," she shrugged her shoulders. "I don't think that's the case."
"You don't?" Jeong Hyeok asked in disbelief. Was she saying what he thought she was saying?
"I can't tell the two of you what to do here. I don't make decisions for you. And you don't need my permission. But if you're looking for my opinion..." she looked back and forth between her two clients. "You've done the work. You've come a long way. I am not saying you don't still have more work to do, in some ways the work to build a solid, functional relationship will never end. But I think your foundation is strong now. So..." she shrugged relentingly, "I think you're ready if you think you're ready."
Jeong Hyeok sat, stunned for just a moment before the words really sunk in. They were ready. "Great!" he said suddenly, slapping his hands on his knees and pushing himself up, standing. "It's been a blast," he told their therapist, only half in jest, "We'll see you next week."
He turned to Se Ri and reached for her hand but the teasing smirk on his face faded at the look on hers. Her eyes were downcast, the corner of her lips pulled down in an uneasy frown. Her arms were crossed guardedly across her chest. "Se Ri?" he asked. He suddenly realised she'd been unusually quiet throughout most of the conversation. "You're not ready?" he asked after an uncomfortable pause, unable to keep the hurt out of his voice.
He didn't want to be that guy. The asshole who resented his girlfriend for not giving him sex. But he couldn't help it. He thought they were on the same page. He thought she at least wanted to but just didn't think they should. The idea that she didn't want to be with him was painful.
She didn't answer immediately, just sat, continuing to stare at her hands for a few moments before her eyes flicked up to Seo Yeon. "No," she mumbled, still avoiding his gaze.
Jeong Hyeok sat back down, leaving a little extra space on the couch between them. He looked up at Seo Yeon. "You knew she wasn't ready, didn't you?" he accused. He knew he was lashing out at the wrong person, but he was angry and humiliated. If Seo Yeon had purposely gotten his hopes up just to let Se Ri dash them...
"Se Ri hasn't told me anything she hasn't told you," Seo Yeon replied evenly.
Jeong Hyeok gritted his teeth, trying to keep this composure and failing miserably. "This is about Switzerland, isn't it?" he said, turning to face his girlfriend.
"Oh my god, no!" Se Ri said with more force than she'd said anything all day. But he couldn't really hear her over the pounding in his chest.
"I know you weren't okay," he continued on. "God, Se Ri. I said I am sorry. What else do you want from me?"
"I am not mad about Switzerland!" she insisted again, throwing her hands up in the air.
Seo Yeon cleared her throat. "Does someone want to tell me what Switzerland is?" she requested.
"It's a country in central Europe," Se Ri replied flatly.
"Well, yes," Seo Yeon chortled. "I am familiar with geography. I meant what is it to you."
Jeong Hyeok sighed. "It's this thing that came up during our date. We were doing the whole pretend you're on a first date and we were talking about travelling. Se Ri asked if I'd ever been to Switzerland and I said I had... with Hye Jin."
"Okay," Seo Yeon nodded, she looked at Se Ri, waiting for her to fill in the rest. Clearly realising that just the mere fact that Jeong Hyeok had gone on a vacation with his then-girlfriend couldn't be enough causing such drama.
"Switzerland is... special." She admitted, "It's been kind of a dream of mine to get there one day."
Seo Yeon nodded in understanding. "And now he's ruined that special place for you?"
"No," Se Ri protested. "I mean, tarnished, maybe a little," she conceded. "But I don't blame him for that."
"Do you blame yourself?"
Se Ri's shoulders lifted up in a resigned shrug. "Maybe... a little. If hadn't said no ten years ago he wouldn't have had the opportunity to go to Switzerland with someone else. Maybe we could have gone together."
"So then, do you think perhaps you were punishing yourself by putting the breaks on your physical relationship? Maybe you think that because you've pushed Jeong Hyeok away in the past and that now you're not deserving of his love?"
Se Ri shut her eyes, inhaling deeply and holding her breath in for a moment before shaking her head. "No. I think maybe in the past I was. I thought I couldn't have it all. I thought I had to choose. And choosing Jeong Hyeok was the riskier choice because my heart could break any second. So when I was faced with the choice, I took the easy path. Vegas. As a way to punish myself. To surround myself with the thing I couldn't have."
"You were punishing me too."
"I know," she nodded her head. "And I didn't mean to. That wasn't my intent but I know I did. And I know that is not what I wanted for you," she took his hands in hers. "You deserved happiness, that's what I wanted for you. And I hope, at least for a while, you had that... even if it makes me sad. I'll admit, hearing you went to Switzerland with her was a punch in the gut at the moment. But I wasn't upset with you, I was just upset."
"Great, so you're saying my happiness came at the expense of yours?"
"Oh my god!" Se Ri rubbed her face wearily. "You're not listening to a word I am saying!"
"I am listening, Se Ri, I just don't get it." He stood again and started pacing. She said she wasn't mad at him. She wasn't trying to punish him. She said she wanted him to be happy. But all he could feel was the sting of her rejection... again. Would it ever end? Why did he keep letting her do this to him? Maybe he was still punishing himself. "You're sad, but you don't blame me, but you don't want to sleep with me, but it's not about Switzerland even though me going there with Hye Jin makes you sad, but it's not my fault and I did not ruin Switzerland, but you still don't want to sleep with me and you won't tell me why--" He stopped his pacing to face her.
"I am just not ready. Does there have to be a specific reason?"
He was about to say yes. Of course, there needed to be a specific reason. Something tangible. Something he could understand. Something he could fix. There needed to be a reason so he wasn't just hanging there in limbo waiting for her to be ready. He felt like all he'd ever done was wait for her. He was tired of it. But before he could word vomit a bunch of words he knew he would regret, Seo Yeon stepped in.
"No," she said. "There doesn't have to be a reason. You don't need to justify how you feel. Especially when it comes to your body. You have absolute autonomy over it." Seo Yeon's eyes flicked to Jeong Hyeok. "And no one, not even your partner, should make you feel guilty for that."
Yep, he definitely would have regretted it. He was an asshole. "But if there is a reason, it would help if you shared it so that Jeong Hyeok could understand and better support you. As we've discussed before, emotional intimacy is an important foundation for physical intimacy in a relationship. If you aren't ready to be open with him about how you feel, then I agree that you're not ready for sex. So...is there a reason?"
Se Ri looked away, biting her lip nervously. "No," she said again, her voice shaky. "No reason. I'm just not ready."
*****
So my husband said to me this situation is a little NAH (no assholes here) and ESH (everyone sucks here) all combined.
On one hand, Jeong Hyeok kept trying to show Se Ri he'll support her no matter what, only once she actually says she's not ready, all that support goes out the window.
On the other hand, Se Ri is clearly holding something back from him.
On the other hand, Seo Yeon is right about Se Ri's the one who gets to make decisions about her body and none, especially not someone who loves her, has the right to make her feel bad about that.
On the other hand, Jeong Hyeok has been very patient with her, not just physically but also emotionally.
So what do you think? Who's the asshole here? The answer is... Claire is the asshole 🤣
Votes and comments are deeply appreciated. See ya!