I talked to Dani for the remainder of class, as promised and when she hung up the facts started to become more clear. Nick was going to go to college and I wouldn't see him. The idea of long distance didn't seem realistic, I was a virgin and he wasn't, did that matter? We both talked about leaving and never looking back so would I be enough to change that? Did I want to be? College girls were grown, they had cars and jobs so it would make sense he would date someone like that. Remembering all the times he reassured me that this was what he wanted and that nothing would change that. Was he talking about college too? It didn't help that I was still dealing with emotions for his ex, if there was a chance then it probably was fading fast. I was going to wait until after school to call him and talk but I needed him to know that I was all in with him and US. So I sent him a text, giving the best and most honest answer I could, I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to get involved, I wanted to figure out a way to help her and I didn't think you'd be anything but a set-back for her. But I don't want her or have anything to do with her. I just felt bad. I'm sorry. I threw my phone down and went to get me something to drink out the fridge, if there's a response before I get back then everything will be ok. I told myself but just to be sure I grabbed some pizza rolls. Waiting for them to finish. When I got back to the living room, I carefully grabbed my phone... he had responded! Glad you owning it smidget. I was smiling from ear-to-ear, I've never been so happy to be called that I sent in response with a smile and heart emoji. I waited and before long, I'd finished a movie and there were no new messages from Nick. School was about to let out for the day so I decided to wait until later to reach out again.
Another movie down and still no word from Nick, I went outside to sit on the porch. My sister would be home soon so I'd just wait for her out here, never did I want human contact more than now. "I thought suspension was supposed to be fun." *ding* grabbing my phone Nick had texted me, are you busy? I'm coming over. I texted back in the same minute, telling him that I was sitting on the porch. When he got there, he looked so handsome. Had he always been this fine? He had taken off the school shirt and was standing in a simple tank and basketball shorts with one earring in and his hazel eyes were at their best in this sun setting light. He walked to the porch but stopped in the doorway leaning against the door entry. "We need to talk." he said, looking at me with an almost too serious expression. "I was just thinking that." I thought, trying to find the words to tell him that I loved only him and that I wanted us to try and make the long distance work because we could make it work but only IF he still loved me too. His low eyes didn't raise at all but his eyebrows did, it was the cutest thing. "Nick, I'm sure that I love you and only you. I just needed to figure out a way to help Alana. And..."
"Why?"
"I mean... Because she needs help." I said, making sure my eyes were on his as I said it. This moment could not be recreated and I needed to be as honest as possible. He clenched his jaw and closed his eyes tight, like he was preparing himself. "Nick? What's wrong?" I asked nervously, "Kaia, I love you too but I think we should break up." The world around me stopped, the birds and the warm breeze were gone, instead all I heard was a loop of those words... Break up. "What.... Why?... I just told you I love you." I stood up to face him, confused. I knew he was hurt because of Alana but this was taking it too far! "Why!?" I asked, getting angrier as I walked up on him. He didn't move at all but his eyes softened, "You know I'm moving for college and there is no way to see each other regularly." he said. "So!? You said that THIS was what YOU wanted. So how do you just say that."
"I do want this, more than you understand but I can't keep coming second to my own ex. You think that shit feels good? It doesn't! I thought if I loved you and showed you how good we could be, it would be US vs everyone. Instead, it's you vs everyone including me. I can't ask you to stop being yourself but damn, this ain't a partnership Kai. Everything is always about Alana and not only that, only YOU can fix her. She has shown you that she doesn't want your help yet... I'm just not sure if you want me or if you're with me because you can't be with Alana." Before I could stop them, I realized they were falling off my cheeks. He turned away from me and left, he without saying another word. He just got in his truck and drove away.
The rest of my suspension I spent grieving. My sister came home not long after Nick left and helped me understand how grieving a relationship works. It all felt to familiar to a conversation we once had long ago...
He looked at mom and back to us, he walked off and headed to their room. Mom promised us it was fine and that she would be right back but to stay here and wait for her. My sister was still standing, holding on to the mop but she looked sad. Trying to make her laugh, I looked on the table and grabbed a piece of wrapped paper that was in the bowl throwing it at her. It hit her arm before hitting the ground but it broke into a lot of pieces and the wrapper didn't stop them from scattering. The freshly spotless room was no more and the person who caused it was the kid who didn't help clean. "Why would you do that Kaia?! You're so annoying! Clean it up before I tell mom!!" she snapped at me. "I was just trying to play with you!" I yelled back at her, feeling hurt that she fussed at me. She tossed the mop aside and headed out the front door, "Stay away from me!" I couldn't yell back anything before the door slammed shut. Feeling sad, I was determined to tell mom and dad so they could make it better. Jumping down from the couch, I ran to their room but I stopped in the hall when I heard them yelling behind the closed door. They never close the door.
I should have turned away.
I should have went after my sister.
But instead, I stood there, trying to figure out if I should knock or just open the door. While I was deciding I heard dads monstrous voice "They deserve a mother! Not a part time mammy!" he had never gotten that loud before. He needed a hug, my hugs always made him smile. "That's why they have you! I love them but I have dreams too!" she responded. "I'm working! Because someone has to take care of them and pay for 'your dream' but Kat I ain't giving you another dime! It's time to grow up and be here for you kids." No daddy, you can't make her give up her dream. She will be sad, I reached for the doorknob, ready to save the day. Once we all hugged and made up, we could go be a family until mom left again. As the door opened, I heard the words that will haunt me for the rest of my life. "Don't tell me what to do! It's already bad enough you make me come back here! I can do without seeing them kids ever again, so watch what you say next."
When the door made contact with the wall, they both turned to face me with looks of regret. I wanted her to tell me that she didn't mean it, that she wasn't here to get money. Instead, she walked up to me and rubbed my hair behind my ear, "I'm sorry Kaia. I love you too in my own way and as long as you never forget that, you will be ok." She looked at me as if that was enough, that her loving me but not having a thing to do with me was enough. "Kat, don't patronize MY daughter. You've made it clear what you love and it's yourself. Get the hell out of my house." She kept rubbing my hair, not saying a word but looking at me as if there was more she wanted to say. Just as she opened her mouth, I pushed her away. Not able to take anymore, I ran to my room and slammed the door. I cried and I destroyed every mermaid in my room. Nothing was pretty about this room, nothing. Before long, I was heaving, unable to catch my breath, I tried to take deep breaths but they were stuck. My chest was stuck. Running to get help, I barely made it to the hallway before I blacked out.
A lot of what happened next is blurry, I remember my sister being there and telling me it was going to be ok. She told me that I felt things deeply and that was why I ended up in the hospital. Remembering what our mom had said, I started to cry but she told me to breath. She told me that relationships were weird and how to get over them. It was the same advice then that she gave to me now...
First, tell yourself what it is and allow yourself to feel the emotions, all the anger and sad stuff. Just feel it. Wallow in it but never for too long. Then, you distract yourself for a while with the things you love to do and talk to friends and family, the ones who are here and love you for the right reasons. Finally, accept it. Tell yourself that this isn't the end of the world and you can't change it. Once you can tell yourself that and it doesn't break your heart all over again. You're ready. And never forget that if ANYONE wants to walk out of your life, let them go.
I thought that if I mixed them all into one, then the process would move faster. I cried to Dani, Xay and even the twins. I turned to my little brothers for a hobby, we colored a lot. I tried to tell myself every day that this was Nick's decision and my world wasn't ending but I could never get the complete thought out. Instead, I'd break down and send him a message. Some were pleading and begging him to reconsider, others were hostile and hateful. Those were few and far between because they always had to be followed by an apology text. He never responded but I knew that I wasn't blocked because they delivered each time. This would send me back to feeling hopeful, that maybe this was just to teach me a lesson so I would reach out to Dani or Xay for an update and they would always tell me that he seemed fine and was just focusing on preparing for college. Then I repeat, the entire cycle. I did this all day, every day for the remaining four days before returning to Central. It was the last week of school and the seniors were done for the year so I felt very little about finishing this semester out. There wasn't even a chance that I would see him. I looked myself in the mirror and fought the urge to cry. Knowing that I had to go back, if only for finals. This was my attitude for the end of the school and I stuck to it the entire week. The finals I took were easy to me, since I had ample time to prepare over suspension but the tales of seniors and their week of partying wasn't exciting at the least to me anymore.