moonwashed [ 04 ]
❝moon something away.❞
to waste time being
sad over something.
The morning sun was shining bright, and Maris couldn't breathe.
Kakadilat lang ng mga mata niya na nakatitig nang matindi sa kisame. Her hand slowly crawled on top of her chest, and, slowly, she breathed — and then her heart calmed down.
Maris had just woken up from a dream about Mizuki.
Sa panaginip niya, magkasama silang dalawang nakaupo sa railing ng lighthouse. Hinahangin ang parehas nilang buhok habang nakasingkit ang mga matang nakatingin sa palubog na araw. Bago matapos ang panaginip ni Maris, nilingon niya si Mizuki na nakangiti.
"Your hand is warm," sabi nito. Her voice sounded dreamy and faint, but Maris's heart clung to it. "How does mine feel?"
Before she could even answer, Maris's eyes shot open, and then she found herself thinking about it, her cheeks feeling warm.
It's weird, she thought. Why would she dream about another girl that way? She's just a friend, she thought again. At least she's supposed to be.
Right?
Maris had never liked girls before — she'd just never looked at girls that way. Para sa kanya, kaibigan lang lahat ng mga nakasalamuha niya . . . but then, she hadn't liked boys either. Maris had never felt any romantic connection with anyone in her life so as she stared wide-eyed at her ceiling, her heart felt like a whirlwind of confusion and excitement. If she'd experience her first romantic connection with an odd girl who liked wishing on first stars and screaming on lighthouses, how funny (and beautiful) would that be?
Bumangon na lang siya ng kama saka pinalo ang noo. There was no way she'd feel something like that just because of a dream. It's stupid.
Biglang nag-ping ang phone niya. Saka niya naalalang walang phone si Mizuki, kaya hindi niya nahingi ang contacts nito. Sa pag-uusap nila nakaraang gabi, Mizu seemed like a girl from thirty years back — too quiet (not when she screams on top of a lighthouse), gentle, traditional. It's as though she time travelled.
Pag-open ni Amaris ng phone niya, bumungad ang text message ng kaibigan niya na ang sabi, sunduin daw siya sa bahay nila at kung maaari, paghandaan siya ng baon. Maris sighed. Her friend was so out of her way and would take her at least ten minutes to get there, then another fifteen minutes for them to get to school. She wanted to say no, but she didn't want to hurt her feelings either, so she just replied sure! and turned off her phone, in case her other friends would ask her for anything exhausting, too.
Friends were everything for Amaris, but there were just times when being their friend was tiring. And painful, too. Like when they forgot her on her own birthday or whenever they intentionally leave her out.
Noong bata pa siya, madalas siyang binu-bully ng mga kaklase niya. They'd often call her a freak for having a noticeable brown birthmark on her cheek. Lumaki siyang wala halos kaibigan kaya pagtungtong niya ng high school, nagdesisyon siyang gumawa ng panibagong bersyon ng sarili niya. She allowed herself to be brighter, prettier, friendlier . . . but if the result of this was being hurt by people she considered her friends, she wondered if she'd still need them.
Being with Mizuki though . . . it's different.
I think your birthmark looks pretty.
She felt her cheeks warm up. Whenever she was with Mizuki, she felt seen. Heard. Appreciated. It was refreshing for Amaris — for someone who had always been treated like complete trash by her friends.
Kaya siguro mas gusto niyang kasama si Mizuki kaysa sa mga kaibigan niya.
As she went on her morning, naalala niya ang gabi kasama si Mizuki sa dalampasigan. Her memories of her face and her voice and the view of the side of her face she'd observed when she wasn't looking, for some reason, had made the her tummy turn like crazy. She couldn't sit still. Mizuki had completely filled her thoughts. Maski sa pagpiprito ng itlog hindi niya magawa nang tama dahil ang pangalan lang ni Mizuki ang maingay sa utak niya. Her heart was burning.
She realized that maybe she wanted to be friends with Mizu, though deep inside her, she didn't know if wanting to be friends with her was close enough to what she actually wanted.
Maris wanted to believe it was just because of her dream, but her heart believed otherwise. Habang naglalakad sa labas kasama ang bike niya, nakatitig lang siya sa kamay niyang hinawakan ang kamay ni Mizuki sa panaginip niya. In her dream, their hands were intertwined, and she tried to think about how her hand felt with hers, but she couldn't remember.
Napahinga siya nang malalim saka umangat ang tingin sa langit. She remembered looking at Mizuki's hand that was lying on top of the sand, and how her hand was only a few inches away from hers.
Did she dream of holding her hand because she'd wanted to do so the night they sat in front of the sea?
Mizuki's tummy had been flipping over for the whole morning. Hindi niya alam kung excited ba siya sa parating na lunch o hinihiling niyang sana 'wag na dumating. Why did she ask Maris to come eat lunch with her? That's so stupid. Would she even come?
Nang tumunog na ang bell, nanatili lang siyang nakaupo sa upuan niya. She thought of what Maris said the night before. Yeah. Okay lang!
She looked happy to agree . . . so what was making her so nervous? Tiningnan niya muna sandali ang dalang packed lunch. She'd only brought salad and a pack of two egg sandwiches, the other she'd give to Maris. She hoped Maris would like it.
Matapos pa ang ilang segundo, napabuga na lang siya ng hangin saka mabilis na lumabas ng classroom, at dire-diretsong pumunta sa school garden.
She was hoping that Maris would be already there, but when she got there Maris still wasn't around. Umupo na lang muna siya sa isang bench sa ilalim ng puno saka tinitigan ang sariling lunch box. She'd wait for two airplanes, and if she still hasn't arrived then, she would leave.
Lumipas na ang dalawang eroplano.
Mizuki thought maybe something just come up, so she'd decided to wait for three more airplanes. After all, Maris had a lot of friends, so maybe she was just caught up with something.
Ten remaining minutes left for lunch and Maris still wasn't around, but Mizuki thought that it would be unfair if she didn't wait for her and left . . .
The bell rang.
Still, Mizuki waited for another two airplanes. She may be stubborn, but she just didn't want to hurt Maris's feelings if she did end up coming only to see that she wasn't there.
After two airplanes, she felt desperate. She looked for anything she could wish on — a four-leaf clover, a dandelion, a flash of lightning, but nothing, and then she felt sad and pathetic for trying to even wish for Maris to come. She just sighed, sitting there alone, waiting for someone who seemed to have no intention of coming.
Hindi na nakita pa ni Mizuki si Maris noong araw na 'yon. She just spent the rest of her day on her bed, turning and rolling, slamming her forehead on her pillow, Maris filling her mind and heart — but for the most part, it was her heart that was pretty much full of her. Inisip na lang niyang baka nakalimutan lang ni Maris, o kaya nama'y baka absent lang siya. Maybe she was being too kind and considerate, but she knew Maris wasn't the kind of girl who'd lie and leave someone hanging . . .
Was she wrong about her after all?
The evening of the Moonbeam Festival had arrived, and Mizuki still hadn't seen Maris.
Her last memory of Maris was that night on the beach, when they smiled at each other under the watch of the stars and the moon. The small exchange of words, their heart seeming to be in sync, drunk with the moonlight and the cool ocean air . . . Mizuki remembered it as somewhat wondrous and magical. For her, it felt like the beginning of something worthy to hold onto.
But everything that had happened after that was enough to ruin — though bit by bit — what was left in Mizuki's figments of what they could be.
Mizuki was then left wanting more, but as she counted airplanes after airplanes, she'd thought that was it such a selfish thing to ask for more hours to be with her? She just wanted to talk to her. To know her more. To see her face a lot more. To hear her voice.
Was that so selfish?
Mizuki was on the lighthouse, holding on to the cold railing, watching people from below dance with white candles, singing and laughing and having fun. Umangat ang tingin niya sa langit nang makarinig ng eroplano.
"99," bulong niya. "99th."
The airplane flew across the sky, and she watched it as it went farther and farther away.
Nang may dumating na panibagong eroplano, hindi iyon binilang ni Mizuki. If she was so powerful, she could simply count it as her hundredth airplane and wish, I wish for Amaris to want to hold my hand, but she didn't. Tiklop lang ang mga labi niya. Nakangiti siya.
Nang nakarinig siya ng mga yapak.
Fireworks suddenly painted the skies, colors flashing and booming across its vastness. Her hand gripped on the railing, a smile crept up on her lips, and she thought about her Mom who told her that there may come a time where something so beautiful would happen that she wouldn't want to wish for anything more.
When Mizuki turned around and saw the same beautiful face she had seen one purple nightfall, she instantly understood what her mother meant.