》CHEYNE《
I was awaken with the warm breath fanning against my cheek. I can feel a body heat engulping mine and something heavy on my stomach. I pry my eyes open just to see Lorenzo's sleeping figure next to me. Arm drape around my stomach being the source of that warm feeling. No wonder i sleep so peacfully last night.
Sinilip ko ang orasan na nakapatong sa night stand sa gilid ng kama. Its still too early to get up. Siguro nakabawi na ang katawan ko sa kakatulog ko kahapon kaya maaga akong nagising ngayon.
I shift my gaze to the man next to me. I stared at his sleeping figure. I can't help but smile as i look at him. He seems like a baby sleeping. So peaceful and innocent. I can't believe that this is really happening to me. That i would woke up one day beside him. That i would be able to feel this kind of warmth in my heart. This happiness that making me feel like i'm on cloude nine.
I notice that his lips are bit parted. And It gives me the urge to kiss those so badly. But decided not to, dahil baka magising sya kung gagawin ko yun. At nakakahiya rin kung mahuhuli nya ako.
I was actually a bit shock na makita sya dito sa tabi, I almost ask kung bakit sya dito natulog sa tabi ko. But then i remember what happened last night. Does seeing him now, right here besides me prove that i wasn't just dreaming last night?
Marahan akong tumagilid ng konti paharap sa kanya para mapagmasdan ko pa syang mabuti. Gusto syang tanungin tungkol sa mga sinabi nya sa akin kagabi. And I want him to say those words to me again. I want to hear it again.
Pero sa pagkakataon ito, gusto kong sabihin nya yun ng alam nyan gising at nakikinig ako. Gusto kong patunayan nyang hindi lang bahagi ng panaginip ang mga sinabi nyang yun akin. I want to know that i'm not just mixing my dream to reality.
But then i don't want to rush things between us. I can't just simply ask him to tell me those words again. Because that's not easy. Life is not easy. Just like what everybody says, it's easier said than done. That's what i thought too. So, for now I don't have a choice but to wait for him.
Yeah, I just have to wait for now. Dahil alam kong darating din ang tamang panahon para dun. Tama... pag handa nya sya. Pag siguradong sigurado na sya sa feelings nya. Same goes with me. Paghanda na ulet akong sabihin sa kanyang mahal ko nga syang talaga.
"I'm already falling inlove with you... Cheyne."
Okay lang naman kung mas paniwalan kong hindi lang panaginip yun diba? Dahil sapat na sa akin na katabi ko sya ngayon para maging patunay na sinabi nya nga ang mga katagang yun. I'm certain that i already love him. While he is already falling in love with me. Does that makes our feelings mutual right? I'm not sure.
I lifted my hand and take my point finger to lightly trace his features. From his eyebrows, to his long eyelashes, to the tip of his nose, to his cheek bone and lastly to those kisable sinful lips. I can say that his lips are my weakness. Every time i look into it, i have this urge to kiss him, senseless.
I shook my head. What am i thinking?! But i just can't help it. My thought are being perverted everytime i stared at those.
Binaling ko ang tingin ko sa noo nyang may benda. Hinawi ko ang buhok nyang nakatakip rito, at maingat itong hinaplos. Napawi ang ngiti ko. Nakaramdam ako ng lungkot. Parang my kumurot na naman sa puso ko. Nang gigilid na ang luha sa mata ko. It hurts to know na nasaktan nang dahil sa akin. Buti nalang talaga at hindi naging malala ang aksidente nya.
Kahit sabihin nyang hindi ako ang may kasalanan sa nangyari sa kanya pakiramdam ko ako talaga dapat nyang sisihin rito. Kung naging malawak lang ang pag-iisip ko. Kung hinayaan ko lang syang magpaliwanag hindi na aabot sa ganito. Na kailangan nya pang masaktan.
I know it myself that i was at fault in this. Lagi nalang kasi akong ganito. Lagi ko nalang tinatakbuhan ang mga problema ko. I was always the close minded one. Lagi akong bingi para sa paliwanag ng iba. Sarili ko lang lagi ang gusto kong pakinggan. Sarili ko lang lagi ang tama. I'm always good at running away and avoing my problem.
Kailan kaya magbabago ang ganitong klaseng pag-iisip ko?
I knew it will be difficult. But maybe... just maybe this will be the last na gagawin ko ang ganito. Alam kong sa una mahirap, pero susubukan kong pagkatiwalaan na sya. Para wala nang maging problema sa susunod. I hope so. Sana nga magawa ko. I let out a small sigh.
After some time, i decided to get up to make us some breakfast. I plan to make it bit special for the trouble i cause him yesterday. I also want to say sorry, formaly. I slowly tried to remove his arm from my stomach. But it only caused him to groaned, pull me closer and hold me tighter against him.
This warmth is something that i want to feel for a life time. I feel like being in his arm is the safest and relaxing place in the world. Hindi ko kailan man inakala na aabot ako sa ganito. Na mararamdaman ko ang ganitong klase ng sensasyon galing sa kanya. Hindi ko inakala na sa mga bisig nya, sa yakap nya ko matatagpuan ang best place para sa akin.
I'm being absorb by his warmth. I close my eyes and let the warm feeling creep into my whole body through my heart. Nararamdam ko ang hininga nya sa ibabaw ng ulo ko. Ang pakiramdam na katabi ko sya ngayon ay walang kasing katulad, unti-unti ko na tuloy nalakalimutan ang plano kong ipagluto sya ng agahan.
Ang bango nya rin, nakakadagdag lang sa kagwapuhan nya. His smell is like an aroma that can draged me back to sleep. And hearing his steady heart beating is like a luluby to my ears, that is why before i knew it i already fell asleep... again.
Maliwanag na sa labas ng magising akong muli. I sit up on the bed when i notice that the warmth radiating to my body is not there anymore, and so i look around. Wala na ang kaninang Lorenzo na nasa tabi ko, mag-isa nalang ako ngayon sa kama... sa buong kwarto.
Napabuntong hininga ako. Ofcourse he's not here anymore. He probably don't even want me to know na natulog sya sa tabi ko. Hindi ko maiwasang makaramdam ng konti lungkot. I just felt like something is missing. Gusto ko uling maramdaman ang kakaibang pakiramdam na yun. His body heat that can make me feel complete.
Will it be happening again? Him and me in the same bed embrasing and feeling each others warmth?
Ilang sandali akong nag muni-muni habang nakatingin sa pwesto kung saan sya nakahiga kanina. I let out another sigh before I went straight to the bathroom when i felt the urge to pee, like my bladder is gonna burst.
After i empty my bladder I stayed in the bathroom for a bit. Wash my face and look at my reflection in the mirror. Bumalik na ang kulay ng mukha ko. Buti naman. Unlike yesterday na masyado ako maputla.
Hindi ko na naman maiwasan mag-isip ng kung ano-ano habang nakatitig ako sa repleksyon ko. Paano ko na sya pakikitunguhan ngayon, pagtapos ng nangyari? Should i just act like nothing happened?
But how?
Kung sa tuwing naalala ko yung ginawa ko kahapon. Hindi ko maiwasang hindi mahiya sa kanya. Pag naaalala kong naaksidente sya ay nagu-guilty ako. Pag naalala kong pati ang baby namin ay pwedeng naapektuhan sa nangyari sa akin. Hindi ko maiwasang hindi mainis sa sarili ko.
Have i been so selfish? Na sarili at damdamin ko nalang ang iniisip ko this past few days? I have to admit that not even once naisip ko kung ano ang nararamdaman ni Lorenzo. Or maybe i did think about his feelings but the negative feelings na pwede nyang maramdaman para sa akin. I also forgot to take care of myself and that means i neglect taking care of our baby.
Slowly i let myself seat on the cold tile on the floor. Now i feel like crying. I feel lost. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel ashamed of myself. Of what i've been doing. My heart felt heavy once again.
The tile is too cold for my liking kaya nag desisyon akong bumalik nalang sa kama. I laid back there and let my thoughts wonder. But i can't think of anything at all. Then I felt my baby move making snap out of my blank thoughts. Hinaplos ko ang tyan ko. Hindi ko na napigilang tumulo ang luha ako. Maging ang anak ko ay nararamdaman na ata ang lungkot ko.
I'm sorry baby. For neglecting you and putting you at risk. It won't happen again I promise. Mommy loves you baby... so much. Sorry.
Mabilis kong pinunasan ang luha ko ng marinig ko ang pagbukas ng pinto. Umupo ako mula sa pagkakahiga at tinignan kung sino ang pumasok. Nung una akala ko si Ate Linda ang pumasok pero hindi pala. Bumungad sa akin ang nakangiting Lorenzo.
"You're awake. How are you feeling?" Tanong nya, habang naglalakad papalapit sa akin.
Gusto ko sana syang sagutin na hindi maganda ang pakiramdam ko pero ayaw ko na syang mag alala sa akin. I cause him too much trouble already. At ayaw ko ng dagdagan pa yun.
"Much better." Tipid kong sagot saka sya binigyan ng pilit na ngiti. Umupo sya sa paan ng kama, habang nakabaling sya paharap sa akin.
"Good. I made breakfast. I actually plan for you to have breakfast in bed but then i want to join you... Kaya sa dining area ko nalang inihanda." Sabi nya. "So, will join me up for breakfast?" He ask hopefully.
Who am i to reject such offer? When he look so happy and after he made an effort for me. Lalo lang tuloy akong nahihiya para sa sarili ko. Naiinis sa sarili ko dahil sa pagiging makasarili ko. He's always like this, so thoughtful. Always taking care of me. Alam ko na yun simula palang.
Parang gusto na naman tuloy maiyak pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko. I don't want him to see me crying. At wala namang magandang maidudilot kung iiyak na maman ako. I have to move forward and make it up to him. Huminga muna ako ng malalim bago sya sinagot.
"Yeah sure." Nakangiti kong sagot sa kanya. Isang matamis na ngiti hindi pilit kundi totoong ngiti. A smile that means Thank you. Thank you for everything. He might not know how thankful and blessed i am right now but soon, i would tell him that.
Tinangal ko ang kumot na nakabalot sa kalahati ng katawan ko saka ako bumama ng kama. Pero bigla rin akong napa-upo sa gulat ng maramdaman kong sumipa ulit ang anak ko. Mabilis na nakalapit sa akin si Lorenzo. Nakaluhod sya sa harapan ko and he look at me worriedly.
"What's wrong? What happened? Are you hurt? Should i call my Mom?" Nag-aalala at sunod sunod nyang tanong.
"No! No! I'm good. Nagulat lang ako dahil biglang sumipa ang anak mo." Natatawang sabi ko sa kanya. I heard him let out a sigh of relief. Nakangiti na syang tumingin sa akin.
My body tense ng bigla nyang ipatong ang kamay nya sa tyan ko. "You scared me there for a second buddy." Sabi nya habanag nakatingin sa tyan ko. Napansin nya siguro yun kaya mabilis nyang inalis ang kamay nya.
"Ahm, Sorry... Can I talk to him?" He asked looking at me hopefully. Tumango lang ako bilang sagot. Hindi naman kasi dahil ayaw kong hawakan nya ko nagulat lang talaga ako.
Sumalampak sya sa sahig sa harapan ko saka ihinig ang ulo nya sa tyan ko habang ang isa nyang kamay naman ay maharan itong hinahaplos.
He just keep on talking to our son, na para bang wala ako sa tabi nya. Na para bang nagkakaroon sila ng father and son moment. He keep on telling our son na magpakabait at wag ako papahirapan. Don't make him worry like that. That he love him and can't wait to see him. This moment bring yet another set of tears to my eyes. I just let my tears fall with a smile on my lips.
Because this time i can say that this is a tears of joy. Lorenzo is really one of a kind. This is why i feel in love with him.
Tama nga sila na minsan hindi mo mamamalayan nahulog kana sa isang tao. Na magigising ka nalang isang umaga at mararamdaman mo nalang na mahal mo sya. Na kasama na sya sa mundo mo. Tama ngang pwede mong mahalin ang isang tao dahil sya ang lagi mong kasama o karamay sa mga bagay bagay. Tamang sabihin hindi mo mapipigilan ang sarili mong makilala ang taong yun kahit na sandali mo palang syang nakilala at nakasama. Dahil bago mo pa namalayan nahulog ka na.
And that is the one thing I've learned. When you fall in love you don't need any reason at all. You will just wake up one morning and your heart only beats for that one person and that person alone. In my case si Lorenzo yun.
Mula sa pagkakahilig ng ulo nya sa tyan ko ay bigla nya akong niyakap habang naka-upo pa rin sa sahig. Nanigas ako sa ginawa nyang yun. Ipinatong ko ang kamay ko sa magkabilang balikat nya para sana ilayo sya sa akin pero natigilan ako ng magsalita sya.
"Let's take it slow... okay?" I heard him say, saka nya hinigpitan ang yakap nya sa akin... sa amin ng baby.
Then it sink in to me, what he just said. My body relax and makes my heart beat faster. His words just warm my heart. Simple words yet there's a lot into it. And the warmth from earlier is back. I can feel it again.
Tumango ako bilang sagot saka ko naalalang hindi nya yun makikita. "Okay." Sabi ko. Hindi ko napigilang mapangiti Saka sya niyakap sa bandang ulo. Ang saya at ang gaan sa pakiramdam.
He is right. No need to rush things. We just have to take everything slow. We will start slowly. One step at a time. Even if its little by little, it's fine. That is what we need for now.
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04-03-2015