Cassandra.
Jeremy took the job for cooking dinner tonight so instead of helping I keep myself scarce from the scene. Im already stressed with his everyday presence mentally so there is no need to be getting anywhere near him physically today as possible.
I just lie down in my bed feeling so weary suffering from a lot of emotional turmoil.
I sighed.
He had changed In just an instant, in like what, days? Like something happen or made him realize or was it just me realizing a lot now?
I close my eyes and recollect his face, his reaction and even how he eases, it make me shiver. His so cold to me like he was marking teritories like he want to tell me something, something close to 'Emme is mine' or 'I love Emme, now' or whatever. He was just proving to me how much he cared for Emme and how dedicated he is to her. I sighed again, what's wrong with me? Shouldn't I be happy that he really love my sister? And that I have no reason to worry for her? Or was I worrying for myself? Why am I feeling this way? I feel so pathetic like I want to compete, like I want to get him back, to make him mine again. Ughh! I think Im going crazy. No! What Am I thinking? This is insane! This is entirely insane.
After mooing in my room my sister called telling me that dinner's ready so I manage somehow to give a lively reply and stood up.
I inhale then exhale deeply. She's my sister, the only person left in my life and Im not gonna lose her because of my selfishness. I resolve myself with this thought then walk out of the room with a smile. I inhaled again.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I can do this.
Ive been muttering these words everytime I step down the stairs. Like a mantra or a prayer or a wish to make it through.
"hey!. ."she greeted then held my arm and shove me to the table to see Jem's work. "Mr. Hot guy here, our chef cook us your favorite sinigang and marinated grilled Bangus and baby pork ribs . ." Emme was her usual self. Lively and caring. It make me smile. Atleast one of us is really happy, If only my sister's fiance were just another man, I could have been totally happy.
"wow. .looks great. I'm impressed." I happily commented and then look at him. Lively, I need to be lively and smiling, this facade seems to be much harder than I anticipated.
"thank you." he replied and stare back. I was suddenly caught by his gaze longer than expected. His somehow a little at peace or amuse for something, well Im sure it wasn't for my comment, wasn't it? I must really have a huge ego for me to think about me as the reason. I mean he could have been just putting a show for my sister's sake.
"so?" my sister said which make me automatically look down, guilty. What am I doing? Haven't I resolved myself earlier? "lets eat?" She happily move to his Side and settle while I manage to take my seat in front of them and readily place myself in an awkward situation. Gears up, another uphill battle is coming.
We eat dinner peacefully and ended well, I atleast on the very least manage to hide my true feelings well and converse effectively, I could even really win an Oscars for this!
* *
He went away after dinner, he said he had tons of stuff to finish so my dearest sister walk him out of the house. Me on the other hand lacking things to do or think were picked up by my curiosity so I simply took peek in the glass window.
I shouldn't really be doing this. I reminded my self with a huge banner of 'get your arse on your bedroom, ASAP'. But no, I was glued in the windows trying to shove the curtains a little and peek through.
Emme was laughing and Jem was smiling while looking at her amused face. He has this 'I love you' and 'your so beautiful' word written all over his face that make my stomach a tight knot. I feel a bit nauseated with the view. Fool! My self said again. Go up and away. Now!
But I was curious, I was trying to reassure myself that they're good or maybe I just wanted to see him before he leaves. I haven't really look at him inside. I was busy trying to calm myself and my facade.
This won't work. My inner me protested again. What do you really want to see? She damanded feeling angry and almost stomping away, 'almost', cause just like me, she remained there. Watching.
They were still talking and is merrily engaged in their conversation, that it makes me wonder if Jem was really busy or I was making an ill-show in the dinner that makes him decide to go away earlier than he want?
I sighed. What do I really want to see here? Them being happy and me being misserable and pathetic?
Its fine. Im fine. I will be fine. I should be fine. I MUST be fine! I tried to say to my self but my sane self out answered me a bombardous, No your not! You'll never be and ever been. Stop acting like a saint and a martyr. Go away. Pack your things up. Flew and never return!
True. The idea struck me. I was actually chasing the net for international hiring, my visa are all set and good. My accounts were fine and I just have to do only one thing, and that is to send my resume.
I was obviously fiddling, I don't want to go yet I so wanted to go. My, Im so torn.
You already knew the best solution to your the problem.
I frowned. Was it the solution? Fly away? Emme would be sad ---
Would she? She have Jeremy to take good care of her. How about you, who would look after you?
Well, there's Ariel. His been a good friend and a loyal mate.
Would he suffice?
I almost choke with the question. Well, we don't have any romantic relationship but Ariel is a good friend but I --- well, he doesn't really know who I am and what I am.
So? She said impatiently almost tapping her feet faster than a second on a clock.
I look outside and just smile bitterly. So what am I gonna do? Fly away? Run again?
Its for the best. She answer again but this time calmly.
I closed my eyes and open it after a while and saw them still smiling and enjoying each other's company. Then he move closer to Emme and caress her face delicately. I gulped. I feel like I can't breath. But still I didn't move, I didn't go. And with that I saw how he smiles at her and give her a light tender kiss on her lips, then her forehead.
That was supposed to be me. I absentmidedly said to myself but realising what I just said I look at them appalled for my own devious thought. Did I just say that? Am I crazy?
Astound and shock, tears fall from my eyes both for the sudden phang of jealousy I feel and for my traitorous thinking.
Running, I run to my room as fast as I could as if the images hunts me then I locked myself inside as if the room would protect me from both of them. Feeling shaky but determined I look at my room, my bed, every part of it. Every corner then my photos and certificates, think of my upcoming promotion. Ive worked hard for them yet they feel so insignificant now. I need to go away.
Taking my laptop, I open it hurriedly and send my resume to three distinct companies abroad. The first company is a mining corporation based in the US, while the second one is a hotel from Dubai and the last one is a Consultation firm in Prague. They were the list I have chosen after seeing different advertisement. I considered the salary, the place and the benefits, then narrowing them down I ended up with them but right now Im thinking to send as many as possible. I need to take refuge. The process will take a month or a couple of months but I really hope I could stay away far from them before the wedding that's why I'll grab any ticket to freedom away from here. I send my resumes to other searching companies. I was in a hurry that I haven't really took notice on their where and whatabouts. I guess I'll just think about it later.
I inhaled and exhaled then slowly close my laptop and start to hugged my knees. I feel cold so I cuddled myself more as I silently sob.
My decision is right. Staying would just like be picking a stone and hit myself directly with it.
My sane and stronger self almost backfire with her resolve with the hurt but she know that hurt is always in the process, so I really need to endure this, again.
We can make it. She said biting her lip not to choke and sob. She know its time to bring it on.
I sobbed pitifully. It hurts, the same hurt Ive feel years ago when I need to go away and run from him. But this time, he wouldn't be in pain anymore. He will be free, so as my sister.
Tears came endlessly but no matter how many I have poured out, they have just to be unlimited in supply, cause they never run out.
I formed a bitter smile, funny that its been I who have not moved on yet, that it was I who left but is the one who is wounded, and is still imprisoned from the past.
As the song says, ' I was the only one standing stranded on the same ground.' The bitter truth is I am on the same ground for the past years now. Unmoved and stucked but I shouldn't regret leaving him when I have a good reason for doing it. One is because I am not worthy of him, two because I need money at that time to support my schooling and my sister and I need to chose between him and our survival. I was graduating at that time but Emme was in college and I need to review to take the board and its hella hard to manage it without finances. My rich boyfriend is very generous to me and my study that I can't leave him. The decision was too painful but necessary so I dont understand why am I even grieving for my own resolve now? The past cannot be undone and even if I can, I would still chose Emme over my happiness. She's just simply my life, now and before.
But still I can't help it. Im bleeding. Im hurt and torned.
Why amongst all people Emme would fall inlove with the same man Ive fallen more than 8 years ago? Why have I not been given another chance to love him? And why does it still hurts? Why him? Why now?