"Come on, you're my brother, do it for me!" Alec shifted uncomfortably, glaring at Jace despairingly. His brother had approached him that morning asking Alec to help Clary with some basic training and Alec would rather cut off his own hands.
Over the last few days, Clary had put him on edge. Not only had she come through the institute like a tornado, ripping up the very roots of everything Alec had worked so hard to maintain, but she also seemed to think that no rule applied to her.
Alec had watched her apprehensively when she argued with Jace, insisting that her mother was more important than any clave rule. His skin prickled as Jace started to drift away from him, as though Alec were losing a part of himself.
Didn't she see what could happen? The rules were there to keep them safe, even if they were unfair. Alec felt bile rise in his throat as loneliness tugged at his heart, images of Jace being punished in that hellhole in her stead.
The night before, Maryse had warned him that the silent brothers were wary of this new girl, and Alec knew he couldn't let her lead them astray. He couldn't go through that again, and he would die before he let Jace or Izzy suffer as he did. Alec didn't have any ill-will against Clary, in fact, he did feel pity for her situation, but he was an older brother before anything else.
Jace laid the puppy dog eyes on, and Alec felt his resolve weaken. Perhaps if he showed Clary a little more of their life she might start to understand, she might realize that he was trying to protect her. Finally, he nodded, and Jace broke into a grin.
"Thank you, Alec, I knew I could count on you." Alec watched his parabatai leave to let Clary know, and the slight skip in his step didn't escape the shadowhunter. Jace had always been quick to flirt with girls, but at the end of the day, Alec had always meant more. He had always come back to his parabatai.
This though... this was different. This was more than just a crush. Alec wanted to be happy for his brother but could only feel the void of rejection, and his chest started to ache. Clary could have anyone in the institute, anyone in the world probably, why did she have to take him?
The room started to buzz, and Alec made his way to the training deck. After he had recovered he spent the better part of his days here, training until his fingers were raw and bleeding. It was the perfect place to keep an eye on everyone, the best place to catch any bad intentions.
Alec burned every time he had to turn someone into his parents, but over time the pain had eased. It was better to nip trouble in the bud before it got people killed, or worse put them before the silent brothers.
For a moment his eyes fixated on the blue of the angel blade he brushed against. It was a similar color to Magnus' magic. It wasn't the first time since they had left that Alec found himself thinking of the warlock, and in a rare act of indulgence Alec allowed his imagination to drift.
Beautiful, brilliant Magnus, with eyes the color of the setting sun as it painted the horizon. Soft, elegant fingers danced as he cast a spell, leaving trails of glittering blue, the slight wrinkle in the corner of his eye when he smiled at Alec. For the first time in as long as Alec had been silent, someone had accepted him.
"So, are we ready to go?" Clary's voice broke through the clouds of his thoughts, and Alec bit back a rush of irritation. He refused to let it show on his face, keeping a well-practiced neutral expression. He needed to focus anyway, no point living in a dream.
Clary looked nervous, more so than normal. Once she had settled into the institute a little more she had visibly relaxed, carrying less tension and laughing more. Alec suspected it was because of him.
She wasn't the first person to be unsure of how to act around him, and she probably wouldn't be the last. Not everyone was as accepting as Magnus. Alec didn't care to ease her tension, it would make her a better fighter.
Alec passed her one of the training batons, watching to see how she would react to it. She looked to him for a moment, expecting guidance, but when she realized she wouldn't get any she just sighed and looked over the weapon.
Clary ran her hands over the smooth wood, before she seemed to work out the balance of it, and adjusted it in her hands. It gave Alec hope that she did seem to have some instinct with it, Max was better but Alec reminded himself Clary had never been trained. For a first go, not too bad.
Alec nodded approvingly when she looked back to him, and her eyes lit up for a second. He took one of the batons himself, setting his feet apart to balance himself, glad to see Clary mimic the movement. He gave her a nod.
"Wait so do I just... go for it?" Alec nodded, bracing himself again. If he was going to train her he needed to get a better look at what he was working with, strengths he could work on. Clary looked hesitant before she finally took a step forward and tapped Alec's baton lightly.
Oh boy, they had a long way to go. Alec straightened his back again, shaking his head. Was this a normal training session with Izzy, for such a weak move he would have knocked her legs out from underneath her, but he needed to be patient. Izzy could hold her own, Clary was more... child-like.
He gave a beckoning motion, telling her to try again. She grimaced but was a little firmer this time, and Alec remained. When she tried again, he actually felt the contact through the wood. This time he nodded encouragingly.
Next, he started moving more animatedly, and Clary seemed to click that he wanted to have a bit more action. Her posture would need work, but that could wait. When she went for him this time, he blocked her with ease and returned with a firm tap to the thigh.
"Ow! Some warning would have been nice!" She yelped, and Alec rolled his eyes. Did she think everyone she fought would be giving her a warning? He gestured to her eyes. Clary would look at where she was aiming for seconds before she acted, which needed to be stopped immediately.
"My eyes? What about them?" Alec mimicked her attack strike. "Oh, I'm looking too soon?" Alec felt hope rise in his chest. She was clever and a quick learner, he could make a shadowhunter out of her yet.
When she attacked again, she was much better, almost getting a hit off before Alec could block her. If he wasn't so well trained she could have gotten a good blow in. then he thought for a moment.
Clary was talented, but she was too in touch with her mundane weakness, he could tell that she didn't actually want to hit him. He gestured for her to try again and this time didn't move.
Brown eyes flashed with concern as she realized he was still, and she slowed her blow. He barely even felt the contact when it hit him, and he gave her a look.
"Why didn't you protect yourself? I could have hurt you!" Alec very much doubted that, his parents hit him harder. He gave her a meaningful look. Clary glared back.
"I'm not like you! I haven't been doing this for years, I've never hurt anyone on purpose before now." The intensity was back, and Alec observed her for a moment. He drew his hand across his neck in a slicing motion, and her eyes dropped.
"You think I'm going to get myself killed." Alec shrugged. Certainly, she wouldn't do well if she was in an actual fight and couldn't hit her opponent. A new idea arose in the back of his mind.
In a flash, Alec swung the baton, and when she did an admittedly quite impressive dodge, he kicked the back of her knees. With a loud thump, she smacked against the ground, groaning slightly.
"Hey!" She cried indignantly, and Alec met her eyes, offering a hand to help her up. He pulled her upright and got into position again. This time, she looked slightly angrier, and Alec smirked. Finally.
This time she didn't hold back.
After an hour of this, Clary was panting but she looked pleased with herself. Alec actually had the beginnings of a bruise developing on his arm, and he felt oddly proud. She had a long way to go, but she had improved a lot.
By now Jace was back from his hunt, and Clary gave him a final glance.
"Thank's, Alec." Surprised, Alec could only blink back, before she hurried over to his parabatai. Nobody had thanked him before.
--- --- --- --- ---
Pretty soon Alec was wondering whether he had a sign on him somewhere that told Jace he was a babysitter. He barely had a chance to brood angrily before he had to keep an eye on Clary again, and any allegiance they had made was gone in an instant.
Alec had been helping her with her stance when his phone rang, an unknown number. Hesitantly he answered, heart thumping painfully in his chest. Nobody would bother calling him normally.
"Alexander! I'm glad you picked up!" Magnus. Alec's heart skipped a beat, and he felt his face heat up, gasping slightly at the soft voice. "Now I know this probably isn't the easiest method, but I had to check I had the right number. I'll text next time if that's easier."
Smooth as a snake, Alec noted. The warlock didn't skip a beat, he sounded so confident that Alec was sure even if he could speak he would be lost for words.
"I never got an answer on that whole drink situation, perhaps you would like to come by later? You know where I am. I'm sure you are very busy, just let me know." With a click, the call ended, and Alec was frozen.
Magnus, the high warlock of Brooklyn wanted to meet up with him? Alec was a terrible shadowhunter, he barely held any position within the institute anymore. He felt slightly wary and strangely disappointed.
It must be for some kind of business thing. Alec wondered whether he would actually go. There was nothing in the law saying he couldn't, or that he would need to tell anyone, so perhaps he would go for just a moment. After all, if it was for business he should hear him out.
Alec's head went light with nervous excitement, but he pushed it down. He was a professional, he was doing this for the institute, not pleasure. His parents would be glad to know that Magnus might have branched out.
He would let them know when he got back, nobody would miss him. No point wasting their time if it turned out to be nothing, Alec justified. Still, he felt lighter than he had in a long time.
When he turned back around, expecting Clary to attack him with questions, he blanched when he realized she was gone. Alec wracked his brain, perhaps she had just gone to the bathroom or something. A deeper part of him knew that wasn't true.
Typical, he should have known better. He had to find her before someone noticed she was missing, or worse before she got herself killed. Alec's vision faded to white, and he inhaled deeply. Don't think about what the clave will do when they find out you lost Valentine's daughter.
Silently, he slipped out of the institute and thought about everything he had heard her say. At least she didn't talk as much as her mundane friend, Alec considered himself a good listener but even he had just blocked the man's voice out.
At last, it clicked, she must have gone back to her mother's flat. Alec winced in frustration. Why did he ever think she would have listened to anything but her emotions, with a final sigh, he broke into a run, activating a tracking rune.
--- --- --- --- ---
When he found her, he was relieved that she was sensible enough to activate her runes. The relief vanished almost immediately as he heard her phone ring. She fumbled for her phone, gasping with shock when she accidentally elbowed Alec and realized she had been found.
Alec glared at her, and she at least had the decency to look guilty.
"I'm sorry Alec, I know I shouldn't have run off like that but I think I know where the cup is." Alec raised an eyebrow. If she got put into the whitespace then she would have plenty of time to think about the cup, and so would he when they realized it was his fault. His ears buzzed.
Clary answered her phone, and Alec rolled his eyes when he realized it was Simon. His day couldn't get any worse. Apparently, it could, as Simon agreed to come with her.
Alec did his best to stop Clary, all but pinning her down, but she escaped his grasp before he could get a good grip. Terrified, he raced after her.
After a few minutes, they had reached what Alec presumed to be the fire escape of her old flat. Graffiti decorated the walls, and the scent of burning was still present despite a week has passed since the fire. Simon waited excitedly, seemingly relieved to see Clary.
Unwillingly, Alec removed his glamour. He fixed Clary with another glare, but he realized that he couldn't stop her, she had the same look that Izzy had when she was determined to do something. Alec felt bile rise in his throat.
"Hi Alec, you look happy as always." Simon's tone was joking, but Alec wasn't in the mood. He looked around anxiously, half expecting the silent brothers to appear around the corner at any moment. He ignored any conversation attempts, listening carefully to every rustle of leaves.
He followed them cautiously, every sense trained on the environment around them. Simon kept chattering away happily, talking about some wedding or whatever, typical mundane stuff.
He felt a glimmer of sympathy for the pair, they were obviously close. The way Simon looked at Clary was familiar, Jace had been following her with the same moony expression. It must have been a big change for them. Alec tried to ignore the feeling, things were always going to change in life, they shouldn't be so stuck in the past.
Alec pushed Clary back when she tried to go through the door, ignoring her protest. If there was something here, and there probably was, she wasn't nearly trained enough to protect herself from a demon. Alec had a vision of her bleeding, and his wrists itched, mouth-filling with the taste of metal.
The apartment seemed to be empty, but Alec didn't lower his guard for a second. Simon and Clary made their way into one of the rooms, and Alec wrinkled his nose at the acrid stench of burnt wood and fabric.
It wasn't until they had found the box Clary had mentioned that a noise finally came, and Alec would have been glad to point out that he was right were they not in danger. He gestured for the pair to stay where they were as he slipped into the apartment.
At this point, he imagined that Clary would stand a chance if she didn't freeze up, but Simon would be ripped to shreds in a second. He was far too soft, he lacked Clary's fighting spirit and Alec doubted he had ever been in a proper fight in his life.
When he got outside, he followed the noise. He kept his bow up the entire time, arrows gripped in a loose fist. He kept his weight on his toes. When he caught up to the noise, there was nothing.
He realized it was a trap a moment too late, and he could only watch with horror as the pair were dragged into a car, gone before he could register what had happened.
The small clearing was silent except for the faint swishing of the grass as a breeze slipped between the blades.
--- --- --- --- ---
Alec flinched away from Jace's anger, feeling it thrumming through their bond. His hands trembled, but Jace was too angry to notice, eyes flashing with fury.
Izzy was more forgiving, but Alec couldn't escape the sensation of cold dread trickling through every fiber of his being. His concern for Clary was replaced by frustration, and even if that wasn't fair he couldn't help it.
His ears buzzed and Alec wondered whether he might pass out from fear when they got back to the institute. If he had to go back into that room, he would go mad. He couldn't bear it, not again, and for what?
Clary had been selfish and inconsiderate, she didn't care about anyone but herself and her own, the suffering of the people she dragged on her journey be damned. And Jace agreed with her.
His own parabatai was choosing to follow this girl, who had torn their lives apart, over him. The feeling of isolation was like an insect in the back of his brain, just waiting for him to descend into insanity. Of all the people to leave him, he didn't think it would be Jace.
Even Izzy barely made eye contact with him, and Alec wondered if she was ashamed of him.
Alec tried to help Jace track her, but it was hopeless. The skin of his hands felt singed under the force of his brother's grip, and Alec found himself shivering again. They had no choice but to go back to the institute after that.
Maryse and Robert were waiting for them, and Alec forced his legs to move, feet turning to stone.
"Valentine's daughter? All you had to do was keep an eye on one girl and you didn't even manage to do that." Maryse spat the words out, and Alec couldn't bring himself to make eye contact. "Jace, Izzy, you are going to fix this. Alec, come with me."
Jace and Izzy looked like they were going to argue, but to Alec's relief, they clearly thought better of it and lowered their heads in submission. Izzy gave Alec a wistful look before she followed the blond.
Alec followed his parents into their office, mouth dry as a bone. This was all too familiar. When they got inside, Alec jumped at the sound of a slamming door.
"How could you let this happen?" Robert's words were like venom on his skin, and Alec forced himself to stand straight. He needed to hold himself together, lest they lose whatever respect they might have left of him.
"I expected better from you. We've had quite enough of this silent business, you are supposed to be the heir to the Lightwood institute and all you have done is humiliate our family."
Alec had tried to speak, but the words got caught in his throat, and in a shocking turn of events being yelled at didn't seem to shake them loose. The raven-haired shadowhunter wondered whether someone else would have done better, whether he really was being as pathetic as they said he was.
"Look at me, Alexander." Maryse was giving an order, and Alec raised his head, hoping the fear didn't show in his eyes. A sharp slap sent a hot flash of pain across his face, but Alec fought to keep his face impassive.
"You are fortunate that we are not going to tell the silent brothers about this, but if she isn't found we will have no choice. I will put you in the whitespace myself if anything like this happens again. Now get out of my sight."
Giving a polite nod, Alec backed out of their office and made a beeline for his room. As soon as the door was shut, the emotions tore their way out of him in ragged, uncontrollable sobs. Alec wrapped his hands around him tightly, grasping at his skin so firmly he wondered if it would tear.
Shudders wracked his entire body, and Alec could barely breathe through the fear and the pain and the anger and so many emotions. He felt trapped in his head. The buzzing was like wasps.
Alec tangled his fingers in his hair and tugged, but the pain did nothing to help him calm down. He let out a low groan, terror rising in his throat.
They were going to send him back there. They would put him back in that room and he would die there, he couldn't survive that place, not again.
The sharp flavor of blood burst across his tongue, and his arm tensed under the agony of tearing the skin. Alec paused, his heart slowing against the sensation. Blood dribbled down his chin, painting red streaks down his arm. It stemmed from the repetitive teeth marks around his wrist.
Alec hadn't intended to do that, in fact, he didn't even realize he had put his wrist in his mouth, but it grounded him slightly. He forced himself to breathe, his entire body feeling exhausted and drained.
On shaky legs, the shadowhunter forced himself to stand, grabbing a bandage from his drawer. It was normal for shadowhunters to take care of their own injuries, but Alec had gotten the occasional backhanded comment over the pale blue coloring of the bandages he used.
He couldn't keep the white ones.
Wrapping the wound tightly, Alec tugged off his shirt that was now damp with sweat, changing into a black, long-sleeved top. Nobody would question the bandage, not in the institute, and Alec checked himself in the mirror before he left.
His eyes were slightly red, but Alec was sure it would fade quickly enough. Jace and Izzy would be too distracted to care anyway. His cheek was slightly red, but it probably wouldn't leave a bruise, with any luck nobody would think it was more than a normal training injury.
Pulling himself together, he stepped back into the institute.
ANGST!
~ Louisa