"All the battles, all the wars, all the times that you've fought
She's a scar, she's the bruises, she's the pain that you brought"
5 SECONDS OF SUMMER - 'Broken Home'
. . .
"So are you going to tell me why you're moping around, or are you just going to drink all the milkshakes we can physically make and brood in the corner?"
Cali frowned down at her half-drunk vanilla malt milkshake as Janet threw herself into the seat opposite her, oversized jacket hiding her work uniform from view. "I'm not...moping," she said defensively.
Janet levelled her with a distinctly unimpressed look, crossing her arms. "CC, you're literally a little storm cloud over here. I can see the rain." Softening slightly when Cali only fiddled with her straw, Janet leaned forward and put her arms on the small table. "Hey," she said kindly. "We talked about this - you've gotta communicate with me, okay? I wanna listen and I wanna help, I promise."
Cali allowed a sweet smile to wash away the upset crease between her eyebrows, and reached across to grab onto one of Janet's hands. She didn't deserve this kind of gentle handling, not from Janet. Not after...well, everything. She'd not been fair to Janet, not by a long shot, and yet somehow, over the past month and a half, they'd grown closer.
"I've been hiding something from Tommy," she confessed with a hefty sigh. "He found out the night of the awards ceremony, the one that got shot up?" Janet nodded her understanding. "Yeah. He hasn't spoken to me since, and I don't know how to make him understand that I wasn't hiding it to hurt him."
Janet took a second to think, sucking her cheeks and scrunching up her nose sheepishly. "Okay, don't be mad," she said slowly. "But is the 'big, dangerous secret' that Oliver Queen is the vigilante guy? Because if Tommy's mad about that, it's kind of a dick move on his part."
Okay, well-
Oliver couldn't possibly blame this on her, because Cali honestly had no idea how Janet had figured it out.
"Oh come on, CC, don't look like that. It's really not a hard solve if you actually think about it." Janet's laugh was a little nervous as she squeezed Cali's hand. "Like, Oliver Queen is found and suddenly there's some guy running around in leather and shooting people with arrows? Of all the people to play dress up like that, Oliver makes the most sense."
"But-But he was on house arrest when there was a vigilante sighting across town!"
Janet's expression was so dry that Cali took a large mouthful of milkshake, just so she didn't say anything else stupid.
Okay, so yeah, she'd expected someone to start putting together all the pieces. And it wasn't like Janet was the only one. There were multiple websites, social media pages, theory videos, literally an entire underground cult that dedicated time to unmasking the Hood. The strongest theory there pinned the whole thing on Oliver too.
So Janet figuring it out wasn't actually a surprise, but if Oliver were to know that she knew, Cali would have to sit through a lecture that was entirely and shouted and never repeated itself, and she really didn't want that.
(Oliver's wrath would be scorching in the face of Tommy's ice-cold abandonment.)
"Okay yes," Cali said, flustered, when Janet did nothing more than continue staring at her. "Yes, that's the secret. And Tommy found out that we'd been hiding it from him and now he won't speak to anyone but Laurel, and she's so caught up in her own stuff right now that there's no connection there anyway."
"And that's your problem...how?"
"Because Tommy's mad at me!"
"For protecting a friend?"
"For lying, and for choosing Oliver, and also kind of the murder part-"
Janet's grip had tightened to the point of discomfort. "CC," she said very slowly, very pointedly. "If your brother is upset with you for keeping a friend's confidence and not betraying that friend, then that is a large problem that rests entirely on his shoulders. You did the right thing by not telling him. Oliver trusted you to keep his identity safe, and you did. That's a good thing, and you should be proud of yourself."
Which sounded very lovely, but Janet hadn't heard the venom in Tommy's voice after the whole shoot-out thing. That short phone call had lodged somewhere in her stomach, sharp and poisoned, and she'd gone home and thrown up hours later, when the shock of the situation had eased.
And what made it that much worse was that Cali had been furious in her own right when she'd realised that Tommy had gone to the ceremony without telling her. Oliver had explained his logic later, when they'd sat together in his little basement-cave and matched stories, but it hadn't mattered. Nothing would've soothed the rampant rage she'd felt when she'd seen him on the television.
As if she'd had any right to be upset with him, when he'd not only been in an active shooter situation, watched their father nearly die, and have to have glass picked out of his skin, but also deal with the fact that his best friend killed people with arrows and his sister had known.
"Cali," Janet said firmly, drawing her back to the moment. "You do understand that this isn't on you, right?"
No. No, she didn't, because Tommy was justified in his reaction. He had every right to kick her out of his life - even though he'd only just started to thaw enough to let her back in after the hospital incident. God, she'd been so relieved to mend that small tear, and then she'd just gone at their relationship with a giant knife and slashed it to shreds anyway.
But Janet was still giving her that searching look, so Cali pushed down her misgivings and said, "Dramatic reactions are genetic, I guess."
Janet's eyes crinkled in the way that meant she wasn't actually smiling, but they were both well aware of the fact they were sitting in a public café. They'd already said far more than they should have, and it was only the fact that they were the only patrons for the moment that stopped Cali's panic from building to uncontrollable levels.
"Well," Janet said, letting go of Cali's hand and leaning back in the booth seat, curling her legs up under her. "Moving on to nicer topics of discussion: how are things with you and Oliver?"
Cali groaned into her next mouthful of milkshake. "Seriously?" She complained. "C'mon, Jay, you know why I don't talk about it."
Janet waved a dismissive hand and snagged Cali's glass, draining the last dregs of milkshake with a cheeky wink. "Yeah, yeah, I know, he's dating that cop and you're over dating men because your douchebag ex was a douchebag, but come on, CC, you two are literally perfect!"
"There's a lot more to it then that," Cali said, and it was almost a whine. The last thing she needed was to be bullied for her ongoing infatuation with Oliver. "Besides...I...well, damn Janet, I still love you. And I can't have both."
"Why not?"
Ah, so heartbreakingly similar to Felicity's attitude.
And it was a nice thought, it really was. Cali might've even dreamed of it - having Oliver to the left of her and Janet to the right, both of her hands clasped tightly in theirs. Sometimes those hands were doing other things. Sometimes Oliver and Janet weren't to the left or the right, but the top and the bottom, and-
She shook her head. "I've seen what happens when people only give parts of their heart away."
She'd seen it everyday for the first month after Oliver had been brought back to them - seen it in the way that Laurel would stare longingly at the life she could've had, seen it the way that Tommy would stare longingly at Laurel. Even now, when their relationship was stronger than ever, there were moments where the spiderweb fractures shone brightly.
Cali couldn't subject Janet or Oliver to that. Not when she was already so unstable, not with the serum in her veins, not when she couldn't even be around Felicity without stealing control and doing her best to act just like her father.
There were so many variables to consider just with Cali being alive. How could she drag two lovers into it?
Janet stayed quiet for a moment, studying her in a way that made Cali distinctly uncomfortable. Gooseflesh dragged up her arms, and a thin shard of ice lodged itself directly in her ribcage. There was something here that she was missing, something that Janet was trying to hint at without saying outright.
Finally, the waitress blew out a breath and visibly steeled herself for whatever she was about to say, setting her feet back on the floor.
"I am absolutely honoured that you would choose me over Oliver Queen," Janet said seriously, "but I need to know: Have you ever heard of something called polyamory?"
"Sounds like a perfume brand," Cali said just as seriously, because this conversation was going in a direction that was absolutely terrifying and Cali wasn't sure she was ready for that.
Janet rolled her eyes, something fond softening her face. "Shut up and listen to me, knucklehead."
"You asked a question!"
"And now I'm telling you to zip it so I can be smart, okay?"
Cali bit back her unsteady laugh, and hooked an ankle around Janet's legs. "You're always smart," she said teasingly, and Janet kicked her. Hard. Like, it actually kind of hurt.
"Ass-kisser," Janet grumbled lightly, before visibly settling herself back down. Cali fought the urge to make a rather inappropriate joke about asses and kisses, but that sombre gleam was lighting up Janet's pretty eyes again and Cali knew that the time for jokes was ending. "Polyamory, CC, is the answer. You've said it yourself, you still love me. I am still madly in love with you, angel, okay? But I know, Tommy knows, the whole damn city knows that you love Oliver too. You love him a lot."
You love him more.
Cali cut her off, because it was already hurting. She could feel Janet's hope - a small, fragile, flowering thing that gripped tightly to her hips - but Cali couldn't nurture that. Not when she was so bitter and twisted inside. Janet deserved better. Oliver deserved better. And besides-
"Oliver's dating McKenna, and I know he really likes her. I'm not going to be a homewrecker just because you want to spare me a difficult choice."
Janet raised her chin. "How do you know it's that serious?" She challenged. "How do you know that he isn't just finding a substitute because he likes you too?"
Because! Cali wanted to scream. Because I can feel what he feels!
It haunted her, that knowledge. Oliver's feelings for McKenna were tangled and confused, but they were genuine and warm and Cali didn't want to break that up. It killed her, of course it killed her to see him look at someone else the way people told her she looked at him, and what Janet was saying now, in this moment - oh, it was everything that Cali could possibly want. It was the words that kept playing in her head, a seductive melody in Felicity's voice, in Janet's voice, in Cali's own traitorous voice.
And she was a selfish, selfish woman, but she wasn't going to be selfish about this.
"Why are you pushing this?" She asked - pleaded - desperately. "Why are you and Felicity so intent on making me take more than I'm allowed?"
Janet had never, ever, looked so heartbroken, Cali was sure of it. "Because you deserve to be happy," she said, and-
Oh.
Yes. That was Janet's truth.
More flowers blossomed along Cali's bones as she sagged in her seat, defeated. "Alright," she surrendered, not because she particularly wanted to have this conversation, but because losing Tommy had torn something open inside her and it was getting harder and harder to justify being a good person. "Alright," she said again, heavier this time. "Fine, I'm listening. Talk to me."
Janet did.
. . .
"Cali!" Thea cheered, flinging the front door wide open and engulfing her friend in a hug. Cali grunted slightly at the contact, but didn't hesitate to loop her arms around Thea's shoulders and squeeze. The bangles and bracelets on Thea's wrists dug into her skin uncomfortably, but Cali ignored it as she breathed in Thea's uncommonly calm and breezy emotions.
"Someone's in a good mood," Cali said, almost laughing. Thea's feelings were like a pond, vast and deep but calm and cool and tranquil. It was strange, given that the younger Queen was usually so frantic and writhing. "Does it have to do with this bad boy thief you're trying to rehabilitate?"
Thea's giggle and blush said it all, and when she pulled out of the hug, she landed a not-so-playful punch to Cali's shoulder.
Movement further inside the mansion snapped Cali's attention away from her friend, and her eyes narrowed as another female figure came into view. "Oh, Cali," Thea said, taking her by the arm and escorting her closer to the other woman. "Sorry. You know Helena, right? Ollie used to date her, I think."
"Helena Bertinelli?" Cali checked.
Helena's smile was sickly and poisonous. "That's me. And there's no need for you to introduce yourself, Miss Merlyn. I'm very aware of who you are."
A thinly veiled threat, Cali was sure.
Thea shifted awkwardly, clearly picking up on the unexpected tension. Cali took pity on her. "Are you here for Oliver?" She asked Helena politely, with her media smile fixed firmly in place. "Because I think he's down at the club getting set up for tonight."
Helena's lips, ruby red and razor-like, curved into a mean smirk. "If that's what he told you, I'm afraid you've been lied to," she purred. "I did stop by at the club earlier and there was nobody there to meet me. I assume he's out kicking around with his new cop girlfriend, but Thea has assured me he'll be home soon."
"I texted Ollie," Thea piped up, casting an uneasy glance at Cali and tightening her grip ever so slightly on her arm. "He really should be walking in the door any second now."
Which probably...wasn't a good idea. Cali wasn't sure why Helena had decided to return, but after hearing what she'd done last time she and Oliver had been involved with each other, Cali was sure it wasn't anything good.
"Maybe we should move to the front room," she suggested breezily, and Helena's expression sharpened into something almost predatory.
"Wonderful idea," she agreed and turned on her heel, as though she were the one leading Cali and Thea to the couch. "Did, uh, did Ollie tell you about our first date?" Her tone was sickly sweet, but her dark eyes were smouldering.
Cali bit back her sneer. "Yes," she answered, getting settled on the couch.
"No," said Thea, who settled beside her.
Helena began the story but Cali paid her words very little attention, instead letting her focus wash over the other woman's features. Helena was a very attractive woman, and there was a certain softness to her cheeks that made her look deceptively young and gentle. But it was her eyes that gave her away, venomous and smudged and bleak.
Should she.... No. No, that would be crossing a line, even if Cali didn't like her.
But-
Thea just looked so convinced, so enthralled in the tale Helena was spinning. If she hadn't been mildly psychotic, Cali would've suggested that Helena investigate a career in acting.
With a slow inhale, Cali went searching for Helena's feelings.
The faintest stirring of a slow and vengeful anger was a spider wandering across her skin, feather-light legs plucking her arm hairs like silk threads. A faint echo of storm clouds lingered in her peripheral vision, the acidic rain slicing through the building icy grief wrapping around her ankle. The taste of static on her tongue, like needle-pin-lemonade, hiding the blood that haunted her.
So dull and muted; Cali grabbed a hold of her chocolate-covered temptation and forced herself to withdraw from Helena's quiet. Thea, in comparison, was a cinema's surround sound system blasting her feelings in Cali's ear with no remorse.
Cali hadn't felt anything quite like it. Being aware of those sensations but being able to discard them, being able to feel her own feelings without having to fight for them in a crowd. Helena was...she was almost a dead zone, which didn't make sense. She felt things so fiercely - why else would she do the things that she had? And yet Cali could find none of that.
The front door opened and shut.
"Speedy?"
"We're in here!" Thea called.
Oliver threw a flurry of knives straight through Cali's collarbone as he strolled into view, his fear aching and sour and deadly for the soft-trodden spiders that Cali had embraced only moments ago. "Cali!" He greeted tersely, his surprise like strawberry syrup dripping from her teeth. "I didn't realise you would be here with..." His eyes latched onto their visitor and his voice dropped lower. "Helena."
"She was just telling us about your first date," Thea said smugly, throwing an arm over the back of the couch. "At Russo's."
Helena peeked up at Oliver through her eyelashes coyly. "Hi, Oliver."
Whatever words Oliver wanted to say to her stayed trapped under his tongue as he flicked a frown to Cali. "I was gonna talk to you about the club opening tonight," he said haltingly.
Thea snapped her fingers before Cali could respond. "Oh!" She exclaimed. "Ollie, I kind of have this pseudo friend that's looking for a job. I was wondering if the club's still hiring?"
Oliver waved a hand dismissively, clearing blase about the question. "Yes, of course. Talk to Tommy." Again, that strange little frown directed Cali's way, like he was trying to convey something. When she only stared at him blankly, he twitched his nose and added, "In fact, you can go upstairs and call Tommy. Right now."
Ah, that was the plan.
"I'll join you," Cali offered when Oliver's frown deepened, pushing off the couch after Thea. "I wanna hear all about this pseudo friend while you fix my makeup for tonight."
"Already?" Thea complained, stopping to press a kiss to Oliver's cheek. "It's so early!"
Cali walked a little slower, pausing briefly to catch Oliver's wrist in her hands and test his pulse. The touch sent shrieking pain across her shoulder blades, lightning arcing high over her eyebrows, but Oliver merely tilted his head, and so Cali let go and moved past without another word to him or his spiteful little ex-girlfriend.
"I promised Ollie I'd help set up at the bar so I have to leave here earlier than we planned," she said after Thea, who was already halfway up the stairs. She had, in fact, promised no such thing, but there was no way she wouldn't be there ASAP after witnessing the brewing disaster she was walking away from.
And hopefully Felicity stuck to her word and stopped by after finishing work for the day. There was no way Cali was doing anything with Janet's suggestion until she'd spilled her guts to her genius blonde friend first.
Thea's room was decorated differently every time Cali saw it. Last time she'd stopped by for a visit, there'd been posters tacked to the walls and an overstuffed laundry basket in the corner, and her duvet cover had been stained black. Today, Cali noted the little pot plants lined up along the windowsill, happy-looking succulents and cacti thriving in the light. The posters were gone, and instead a large plaited tapestry spanned the wall behind the bed. Blankets were spread tastefully around the room.
"Ollie said I'd kill any plants I owned," Thea said over her shoulder as she dug her phone out of her pocket and flopped on her bed. "I take care of them out of spite."
Cali's smile was soft across her lips. "I like them," she murmured, but Thea was already scrolling for Tommy's contact and didn't hear her.
Thea, being the good friend that she was, put the call on speaker, and Cali listen in as the dial tone rang once, twice, and then-
"Your Highness!" Tommy chirped loudly, voice crackling slightly as the connection waivered. Cali felt as though ice water had been dumped over her head. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"
He sounded so...normal, so heart-breakingly familiar, and Cali wanted nothing more than to hold Thea's phone close and whisper her apologies, wanted nothing more than to have Tommy talk to her again. It didn't matter what Janet told her, Cali had brought this on herself, but she wanted nothing more than to fix it, but Tommy wouldn't let her.
Thea laughed a little too forcefully. "Hiya Tommy," she said. "Listen, Ollie said to call you about getting a friend a job at the club. Are you still hiring people?"
Tommy was silent for a moment, the silence crackling with phone static, and when he spoke again, there was an unexpected tightness to his voice. "Uh, yeah, yeah. Text through the kid's number and I'll call him." Another pause, punctuated by Tommy's suddenly-staggered breathing.
"You don't have to ask me for this, Tommy, it's okay," Thea said with infinite gentleness - handling whatever hurt he was carrying with silk thread gloves. "Um, Oliver is still okay. He's actually got some girlfriend trouble happening, I think. Uh, one of his old flames is hanging around again, but she's really pretty and kind of sweet, so I think it's actually kind of funny."
"But if he-is he, you know, happy?"
Thea chewed her bottom lip for a moment, frowning down at her duvet as she picked her words carefully. "It's rare to see him totally happy," she answered slowly, "but I think he's balancing the effects of your falling out with his growing relationship with McKenna." Thea's attention drifted upwards, towards a framed photo of her and her brother that sat prettily on her nightstand. "Ollie's gonna be okay, Tommy."
It was unthinkable.
That Tommy would go to Thea for updates, that Tommy would bother to check in about Oliver at all. From what Oliver had told her, Tommy had oozed nothing but contempt and disgust when he confronted him about being the Arrow, that there'd been the sound of their friendship being torn apart in a way that would never be mended.
According to Oliver, Tommy wanted nothing to do with him ever again.
But Tommy was here, on the phone, with everything he couldn't say, making sure that Oliver was fucking happy.
"What about Cali?" Tommy asked after another minute had passed, and Cali startled slightly both at her name being said in that gruff voice and the way that Thea's eyes snapped to hers with a burning intensity. "Laurel says that she's started working at the library again, and that she's been catching up with Janet a lot. Has she spoken to you since I last called? Do you know how she's going? If Malcolm's been sniffing around, I swear I'm gonna-"
"Tommy," Thea interrupted with a snort. "Relax. From what I've heard, Malcolm's been off on a business trip for the past few weeks. He's not due back for another few days."
A carefully controlled exhale. "Right. That's good. Means she's safe for a little while longer."
Thea gestured pointedly at Cali, moving her eyebrows as if to say, 'See?' "She's still not happy, though, Tommy," she said into the phone far too casually. "You know what I said last time I gave you an update. She's trying her best to soldier on, and she's doing a good job at hiding the puffy eyes each day, but I can see it in the little things, like the ways she doesn't smile properly anymore and the way she hasn't touched a book since your fight. I know you're angry with her, and from what I can gather, you have every right to be. You shouldn't feel obligated to fix your relationship just because she's your sister and she's feeling bad. But you've at least gotta give each other some closure so that you can both start to heal, understand?"
And when did Thea Dearden Queen grow up?
Cali almost didn't recognise the girl sitting in front of her - in brief flashes, she saw Moira, sitting straight and proud, with all her wisdom and none of her sharp edges. She saw Moira in the way that Oliver must see Moira, untainted by the murder and the lies and the secrets - a woman who loved her family fiercely and would do anything to keep it together.
And why was it that Thea could just hand this advice over without hesitation, but utterly failed to apply it to her own life, her own emotions? What made it so easy for her to be aware of others, and then so completely not aware of herself?
"I think your dad would be really proud of you, critter," Tommy said warmly, and Thea's answering smile was wobbly but happy.
A knock on the door interrupted the sappy moment, which Cali was almost grateful for because she truly wasn't sure she'd be able to keep her mouth shut much longer, not when Tommy was right there on the phone. As it was, Thea murmured a hurried goodbye, which Tommy returned in a rush, and then the call was ended and the phone discarded carelessly on the bed before Thea shouted for whoever it was to come in.
Oliver, with wild eyes and a clenched jaw, was inside and in front of Cali in four steps, reaching for her with both hands.
"Hey!" She yelped, shying away from the touch, pressing herself backwards as far as she could without fully just lying down. "Oliver!"
He followed her movements unrelentingly until his palms made contact with her shoulders and he could pull her up onto her feet. He was scanning her from head to toe even before she could balance herself, lips starting to curl into an ungly snarl.
His grip was bruising. It hurt.
"Are you okay?" He demanded harshly, shaking her slightly when she could only stare at him in a shocked daze. "Hey! Cali, are you injured?"
The sound of Thea shifting positions on the bed, her soft sigh as she swung her feet over and touched the cool wooden floor. "Ollie," she warned. "You need to let her go."
Oliver stared at her over Cali's shoulder for a moment, his expression distant and overly-controlled. This was what the vigilante must look like, under the hood - honed and hollow. His fingers were still carving into the soft meat of her shoulders. The rage Cali could feel overflowing from him, it-
Well, it reminded her far too much of Michael.
"Ollie," she breathed in a small and shaky voice, swallowing her whine as his grip flexed instinctively. "You're hurting me." A tiny squeak she couldn't smother as his focus recentered on her face, all his terrifying emotion zeroed in on her face. Hot tears burned the backs of her eyes. "Please let go."
-was yelling at her, hand on her bicep, and she was trying to pull away, trying to get away, but he was gripping her too tightly and it hurt and she was crying and he was still yelling and all she could say in between her tears was, "let go let go let go let go"-
Oliver was backing away, her shoulders were throbbing, disgust was a snarl in her throat. Thea was behind her, close enough to touch but not touching and Cali swayed backwards until she could sit heavily on the bed. She was breathless, like she'd been running a marathon, and a screeching kind of ringing haunted her ears.
Oliver was almost out the door, horror frozen on his face, hands raised in front of him in a twisted display of surrender. "I-" He cut himself off and swallowed sharply, attention flicking between Cali and Thea. "God, Cali, I'm so sorry."
"It's okay," Cali managed hoarsely, but couldn't manage a smile, not when Michael was in her head and her shoulders were aching and-
Thea moved until she was standing in front of Cali, spreading her stance until she was in somewhat of a defensive position, crossing her arms. "Actually," she said firmly, "it's not okay, and I think you need to leave now. Whatever's got you spooked can be dealt with later."
"Of course," Oliver agreed hastily, and Cali could taste the honesty that was quivering under his wriggling self-loathing. "Yeah, of course. Cali, I-"
Thea's fury was thunderous. "Go."
Cali didn't manage to catch a glimpse of Oliver's face as he stumbled away, and was only left with the sound of his footsteps gradually disappearing down the hall.
And what was breaking finally broke.
-nursing her arm, staring at herself in the mirror as she used the last of her concealer to hide the awful painting he'd embellished on her skin, wondering if she'd make it out of this alive, fingers itching for the phone, heart aching for Tommy-
Thea turned and crouched in front of her, her body language open and unimposing. She didn't reach out to touch, which Cali appreciated, and instead said in a painfully gentle tone, "Say the word and he sleeps outside for the rest of the month."
Cali's tears spilled over.
-watching movies the next night because he'd had a bad day, holding her to his chest almost affectionately except his thumb kept brushing over the swirling bruise staining her skin-
"Oh Cali," Thea murmured and made sure Cali could track her hands as she reached forward and very, very cautiously drew her into a hug. The position was awkward, with Cali leaning forward on the bed and Thea crouched in front of her, but Thea was warm and comforting and Oliver's panic-fuelled aggression had left Cali's ribcage split open and gaping, and so she buried her face in her friend's shirt and cried and cried and cried.
The bruises would be gone in the next hour, and it would be like the incident had never happened, at least on a physical level. Nobody but Thea and Oliver and Cali had to know what had happened. Things could continue on.
But...
It felt like Oliver's touch had branded in her a place that would never properly heal. He'd always made sure to be so gentle with her, so careful. Not because she was damaged but because she was precious to him.
And then bruises.
That was how the cycle went. Love, soft and comforting. Caresses, intimate and disarming. Bruises, painful and quickly vanishing. Next would come the breaking of bones and of her heart and her spirit and her trust, and then the constant shouting, the constant fear. And next thing, before she could take a proper breath, Thea was being pushed down the stairs and there was a court case and she'd be right back where she started.
Thea made a small sound in the back of her throat and held Cali a little tighter. "Hey," she whispered. "Hey. Cali, you're okay. Ollie's gone."
"I know," Cali whispered back. "I know. It's fine, I'm okay."
Thea drew back from the hug, and Cali let her go without protest, even as something gave way inside her chest. "Cali," Thea said, gripping Cali's hands tightly. "You're shaking."
Oh.
-and there was Tommy in her head and he was telling her 'I told you so' and she couldn't take it anymore because she couldn't bear to admit that he'd been right, that he'd seen this coming long before it'd happened and now she was laying in bed next to man who might not love her anymore, and all she could hear was her brother telling her-
Cali wiped at her face with her hands, reaching down into her chest for the static calm that had gone into hibernation after the incident at the hospital. She wouldn't break because of this - not when Oliver didn't mean it - but there was no way she was pulling herself together with her rampant emotions.
It felt a bit like a blanket, that static, and when Cali pulled it over her thoughts and inhaled deeply, everything seemed so much... dimmer.
"Cali?"
Thea, still in front of her, still looking concerned.
Cali swallowed down the sour taste of feathers and asked, "Can you help me get ready for tonight?"
Still apparently unconvinced but desperate to help, Thea nodded and stood back up to her full height. She offered her hand out, still saying nothing, and when Cali reached forward and gripped onto her palm with minimal hesitation, Thea's expression spiked with warmth and victory.
And even that buzzing static couldn't smother the small smile that came to life on Cali's lips.
. . .
"If you punch me right now, I promise that I deserve it."
John's expression didn't change at Oliver's dramatic announcement, but somehow the general disapproval felt more appropriate than it usually did. Never mind that Oliver was mostly serious in his request, borderline pleading for some kind of physical punishment for the marks he'd left on Cali's shoulders.
John merely raised an eyebrow as Oliver flopped on the training mat he usually ignored, staring at the high ceiling and grinding his palms into his closed eyes. "Second thoughts about opening the club?"
A short, barking laugh. Oh, the club opening was so far down his list of priorities right now, even if he was supposed to already be upstairs to organise the bar and the music and talk with Tommy and-
"Oliver?"
And just like that, he couldn't not confess.
"I hurt Cali," he said through gritted teeth.
Abruptly, the mood and atmosphere changed. "I see," said John, very carefully. "Emotionally hurt, or physically?"
Oliver shook his head and drove an elbow into the mat beneath him. If John wasn't going to hit him, Oliver was dangerously unhinged enough that he'd just do it to himself. "Both," he admitted.
John didn't answer straight away. The tension that had been tightening all of Oliver's muscles shot to an all time high, and he hissed out his next breath as his body seized slightly. He'd never been good at digesting his guilt, had only ever been trained to aim it outwards, to pour it into his physicality and drive into the people he fought, the people he killed.
He wondered, then, if it had been guilt that had driven him to such extremes with Cali.
John shuffled closer, and Oliver recognised the subtle groan of the steel bench as his friend settled his weight against it. "Why?" John asked quietly.
"Helena," Oliver answered straight away. "She was in my house, talking to Thea and Cali. And then when it was just her and me, and she realised I wouldn't help her kill her father, she threatened them. Threatened Cali."
John's voice never changed. "Threatened to do what?"
How could he explain it without sounding like he was overreacting? "She made some thinly-veiled but vague threats against my family," he said tightly, "but she had a lot more to say about Cali. It was...creative. Cruel. She's threatening torture, Diggle."
"Do you think she meant it?"
Yes.
It was an instinctual answer that had settled deep into the forefront of his mind the moment Helena had turned on him and said, with all the sickly sweet poison she could muster, "Your little girl toy has just had her nails done, did you notice? They're lovely and gold. It'd be a real shame if someone accidentally pulled them all out."
She hadn't stopped there, and even now he shuddered to recall the memory of what came after, of her backing him against the wall, eyes like chips of ice as she'd murmured every horrible thing she wanted to do to Cali, just so he could feel the same pain that she'd felt when her partner had died. She'd whispered the words like they were a lover's caress, and he'd almost been able to physically feel the truth hidden in her voice.
"I'll be the death of her, Ollie. I'll tear her into little pieces and then I'll kill her, and then you'll finally know what it feels like to lose everything you've ever loved to someone you used to trust."
Oh Helena, Oliver thought to himself now, bitterly amused. You have no idea.
He'd already lost too many people. Had already been betrayed by a friend that he'd trusted.
John cleared his throat and crossed his arms. "I'll put extra security on your mom and Thea," he said, almost-gently, "and I'll warn Parker to keep a closer eye on Cali."
"Talk to Cassidy as well," Oliver said, and then, in a poor attempt at humour, added, "They have shared custody."
"Alright."
It wouldn't be enough, Oliver knew that. Not against Helena. She had nothing to lose and everything to gain, and that made her far more dangerous than he'd expected. And he couldn't protect Cali against her, not in the way he wanted to, because Cali was so heartbreakingly fragile, and Oliver's kind of protection was too loud and harsh and grating and wild.
Oliver's kind of protection meant bruises on pale shoulders, and a choked off kind of horror, and letting go of the leash he'd been using on the feral monster inside himself.
His cell phone chimed - a text, probably about the club - and Oliver slung an arm over his face, inhaling shakily until his lungs were burning. "Okay," he said firmly. "Okay. Time to sack up, Queen."
John's huff was amused, and when he offered his hand, Oliver didn't hesitate to take it.
Sure enough, when he checked his phone he found a text from Sash, head of the security team, asking him when he was showing up so she could confirm guard placement.
'Give me ten minutes.' He texted back, and glanced back at John, who also had his phone out and was tapping away.
"I've got extra protection for your family," John said after a silent moment, tucking his phone away. "I'll get Parker's details from Cali and flag it with him too, tell him to pass it onto Cassidy."
Oliver took a deep breath, and then another, and reached for that worn persona he needed to hide behind tonight. It pulled like an overused muscle, but Oliver grit his teeth and yanked, and by the time he and Diggle were walking upstairs, Oliver Queen had settled across his face and relaxed his posture.
His eyes settled on Tommy, who was stocking the bar with a stony expression.
Well.
Let the night begin.