A/N: Me at the very beginning of uploading Trust: I have to have at least ten chapters ready in advance, always and at any time given.
Me yesterday evening: what did I write here, I can't post it like this, I shall re-write it all and then pester a_lex_icon to look over it as fast as possiblealsdghals j (I'm sorry!)
Ugh... With that being said - I hope I really managed to improve it xP Enjoy! Ly🧡
"Wooyoung, I need you to record your lines asap too", is the first thing I hear when I enter studio 063. I blink.
Hongjoong is here, at the opposite side of the room, doing some stretching to warm up. And he's got a look of grim determination on his face. "We need to be prepared for the worst so we've still got some time to negotiate in case a recording gets lost."
"Hi, Hyung", I reply, deciding to ignore everything else he just said. "I thought you wanted to take a break?"
Hongjoong snorts and throws a short, pointed look over to Seonghwa, who's smiling as though his boyfriend's presence would pain him. Given that Hongjoong had a mini-breakdown or whatever just yesterday, I find myself agreeing with Seonghwa. Hongjoong should've taken a real break, one that lasts more than twenty-four hours.
Hongjoong manages to ignore Seonghwa's disdainful glances though, and I wonder how he does that - because, let's be honest, Seonghwa can make anyone feel guilty with just a simple look. Hongjoong is able do the exact same, but with words. "I'm not going to take a rest with the auditions a mere one and a half weeks away", he states. "We all need to practice hard either way."
And there it is - guilt is flashing through me as though I didn't try my best so far and didn't show up to every training except the ones that completely overlapped with my singing lessons.
Wait - one and a half weeks until the auditions? "You mean three weeks", I correct him.
Hongjoong lets out another impatient snort. "Even if we were talking about the original audition date - which we're not - it would only be two weeks and six days now."
"We should talk about that once everyone is present", Seonghwa intervenes, just as I've opened my mouth to get some answers on what the fuck this is about. I still ask Seonghwa, just to make sure: "Hongjoong-Hyung wants to do the auditions sooner?"
"He's crazy", Yunho calls out from the bench he's slumped on, without stopping to aggressively type away on his phone.
"There are too many groups to do it all on one day", Hongjoong says as though he didn't hear Yunho. "Therefore, the jury provided a second date, one week and three days earlier. Most of the groups don't want to do it; there are still about ten free slots for the early auditions."
Because they're not stupid enough to believe that one and a half weeks less of preparations wouldn't make a difference.
As though he'd heard my thoughts, Hongjoong clears his throat decisively. "What they probably don't know though is that we would get benevolence points for auditioning earlier. The jury wants everything perfect for the auditions in almost three weeks - but if we present before that, it doesn't have to be. It would be a way to take some of the stress from all of us. It also would be less draining, since two weeks and six days is still a long time to go on like this. We'd need to intensify our group trainings by a few degrees if we decide to audition sooner, but then we'd be able to relax afterwards. For a week or so, at least."
I have to think of San who doesn't only have to do one but two auditions; one with us, one with his vocal quintet. It would be so much easier for him to focus on one thing at a time. "I'm in."
I nod at the surprised Hongjoong to emphasize my words. "We should bring it forward."
Yeosang frowns at me when I catch his gaze, but he doesn't say anything. Yunho continues the aggressive typing on his phone, paying no attention to anything else. And Jongho avoids my gaze - which makes me wonder all of a sudden if San told him how we made up and cuddled, or if it's still about that thing where I met Jimin in the corridor yesterday, and he told Jongho to back off.
"We should wait for everyone to make that decision", Hongjoong concludes after a few more moments of tuneless humming. "Where are Mingi and San?"
"Mingi is not coming", Yunho announces, shoving his phone down his sports bag with unnecessary force. "We don't have to wait for him. He wants to spend the night someplace close to the recording studio. They've only got to be there tomorrow at noon though."
"I'm sure he has his reasons", Seonghwa says slowly.
Yunho chuckles humorlessly and mumbles, "I know he has them" under his breath.
Hongjoong clicks his tongue. "He should partake in our decisions though. Can you give him a call, Yunho-yah? Tell him we need him here."
"You tell him." Yunho rummages in his bag, then throws his phone to Hongjoong - who drops it. Seonghwa catches it just in time.
"We've got his number too", he reminds Yunho, accompanied by a stern look that probably says something like, Don't throw your stuff around like that.
Yunho shrugs.
"Okay, but does anyone know where San-", Yeosang starts, but gets interrupted when the door flies open.
"I'm sorry for being late!" San runs a hand through his tousled pink hair, then plops down on the bench next to Yunho. "You didn't start yet?"
"Mingi is missing", Yeosang answers curtly - and San stares at him. "What d'you mean, missing?"
"He didn't wanna come", Yunho mutters, eyes fixed on Hongjoong who's already calling Mingi and has put it on speaker.
I allow myself to let my eyes wander from Yunho to San for a second. Then I quickly avert my gaze back to Hongjoong. Could I...? I don't know what San and I are, where we are right now. Would it be okay if I hugged him? Or if I kissed him? Or... or wouldn't he want that; not now, not in front of our friends?
"Yah, I was about to get laid!" Mingi's loud voice booming from Yunho's phone in Hongjoong's hand makes me flinch. "Is it something impor-"
"Mingi-yah", Hongjoong cuts him short, "Yes, it is important, and way more important than your one night stand."
"Oh." Mingi sounds flustered for a second. "She's not a one night stand", he declares then, "she's my girlfriend!"
"How wonderful", Yeosang interferes from Hongjoong's right side. "We don't care. You two can screw all you want after the auditions in maybe one and a half weeks."
"But one and a half weeks are- Wait. One and a half weeks?"
"Move your ass over here and we might tell you about it."
Mingi is silent for a few seconds. "Alright", he says finally. "I'll be there in thirty."
Hongjoong lifts an eyebrow. "Now."
"I can't get there any faster", Mingi protests. "We're in Jungang-do right now, and I still need to walk to the next train station and get the next train and then get off it and walk to the arts building!"
"Whatever", Yunho mumbles.
Hongjoong sighs. "Hurry up."
"I will", Mingi promises.
"Good. See you in thirty, Mingi-yah." After he hung up, Hongjoong hands the phone back to Yunho. He heaves a sigh. "We should start training now though."
Seonghwa nods reluctantly. "In case we're really gonna audition in ten days already... we better work hard now."
So we do.
After about half an hour, when we make a pause to wait for Mingi, San pulls me out of the studio and into the corridor before I've had the time to react.
The door falls shut behind us, and San smiles at me, my hand still clasped in his. "Hey", he says softly.
"Hi", I whisper back.
It was hard enough not to stare at San during training - but now that it's only the two of us and San's cheeks are prettily flushed from all the dancing, not staring feels pretty impossible. "You look pretty."
San laughs. "I look sweaty", he corrects me. "I saw my reflection in the mirror." Then the corners of his mouth drop slightly. "I missed you this morning", he tells me.
"I missed you too." As much as I wouldn't admit it - I'd missed San from the second he'd closed my door behind him yesterday evening. I'd missed him cuddling me to sleep like he did on that party night where we first kissed, and I'd found myself wanting to wake up with him together instead of already finding him gone again this morning. Well, it was a late morning since I slept in because I'd stayed up until something like four am to finish two assignments in one go. But still.
San takes a step back, smiling shyly, just as I made a move to lean in, to finally kiss him on the lips for the first time today. "Later, okay, Woo? Later we can kiss all you want", and I swear, it's only the promising way he whispered that has the blood in my body rushing to places it shouldn't be in for dance training.
"I wanted to ask you if you want to do the singing thing today, together?", San questions. "Hongjoong seems kind of pressured, and I'd like to have it all done too. Would you be down for going through our lines and hopefully also recording them tonight?"
Tonight already. I swallow. "I, uh... I actually was thinking about letting someone else do my part though..."
"What?", San exclaims. "Why?"
"I'm just... I'm not too good at singing, okay? I could drag us all down. I can't sing."
San frowns. "Bullshit", he states, "of course you can. The quality of any artsy thing depends only on, like, ten percent of talent. Ninety percent of it is just practice."
"I know." When I was younger, I kept on telling myself stuff like that all the time. To keep going and going and going. "But- It didn't work before, okay? I've tried. I've tried for a really long time..." Oh God, and I think this might be the point where my too-short nights are suddenly catching up with me, because somehow I feel like crying now, even though I know that almost everyone is waiting for us in the studio, waiting for Mingi and San and me... I take a deep breath. "When I was younger, I spent hours in the recording studios every day. But they still kicked me out in the end."
San squeezes my hand. I didn't even notice us holding hands, San interlacing our fingers - until now. He squeezes my hand comfortingly - but I'd rather have him hold me now, holding me tight and rubbing circles with his palms into my back.
"Who kicked you out?", he asks gently.
I sniff a bit, and I blame it on the cool air circulating in the corridor. "The entertainment. Out of the trainee program. At singing evaluations."
And then San is suddenly hugging me, holding me close with one of his palms rubbing over my back in circles, and I bury my face in his shoulder, because no, I am not crying, but- shit, yes, maybe I am.
Becoming a trainee had been such a huge chance - there'd been hundreds, maybe even a thousand kids auditioning, and I was one of the fifty who'd got selected... And then I'd messed it up and had to go back to my family with a crapload of debts, and I'd never felt this ashamed of myself before, because of course I still remembered my parents' worries just a year before perfectly well.
"I didn't know", San whispers. "I'm sorry, Woo, I didn't know... I'm so sorry for what you had to go through... oh God, Woo, don't cry..." He holds me impossibly closer, and I feel like I can't get enough air with the way I'm gasping, but it's okay, San is here, I can really just give my singing lines to someone else, there's nothing to worry about, everything's fine. Everything's fine. San is here.
I swallow and rub my eyes dry on San's shoulder. "Thanks. Thank you."
"For what?", San asks, pulling back just slightly to look at me.
"Nothing. Just. For being here." San's arms around me feel so comforting that I find myself wishing we could stay like this for longer. I just wanna lose myself in his eyes for a little while now - and maybe after that I'd like to hit my head against a wall because losing yourself in someone's eyes is definitely not the kind of phrase I ever saw myself thinking, but it really doesn't sound too bad at the moment...
"Entertainment companies", San mumbles softly, wiping his thumb over the trail of tears on my cheek, "they're tough, I heard. But the Festival of Lights - it won't be the same, Woo. We can record your lines as often as you want to. You can take all the time you need. We will perform once for the auditions, and maybe we'll make it, maybe not, and of course it would be nice if we made it... but we don't have to. There's nothing at stake for you."
I hum, turning my head to the far, bright end of the corridor that leads to the foyer because I've seen movement there from the corner of my eye. It's a person - and I pray that it's not Mingi. I still need way more time with San than those few minutes that were just enough for a short conversation.
Turning away from the person that's hopefully not Mingi, I focus back on San. "But for Hongjoong there is something at stake", I tell him. "And Seonghwa. And Yunho and Mingi - they need it if they really wanna become professional dancers. I mean, I don't know, maybe Mingi rather wants to become a rapper or just, any kind of performer, but still... and I don't know about Yeosang, and Jongho, and you... but I'd..." I swallow. "I've googled it and I've heard that a lot of important people visit the festival, and I- I thought... I thought, maybe if some of them saw me perform and... decided that they like the way I perform... I thought I could maybe give it a shot at being background dancer or something and talk to them afterwards or- I know this is stupid; this isn't America and there are no ever-present scouts, but... I think it would be really a lot better if someone else sang my lines. Do you want to sing them, Sannie?"
"No."
When I try to take a step back, San tightens his hold around me. "Because they're yours. We can practice them together, okay? But you are going to do this; you can do this, Woo - you don't need me for it."
"I mean... we can try", I whisper. "I can try. But if I don't manage-"
"Shh", San holds a finger against my lips. "We're not talking about this right now, okay? Today is only trying out."
"Okay - okay. Should we-" The others are probably already wondering about us. But I can't really bring myself to step away from San, even though I do make an effort to disentangle myself from him. Then I turn to squinting in the direction of the foyer again. The person is coming closer - and really looks a lot like Mingi. Shit.
I take San's hand in mine, and San squeezes it, maybe encouraging me to say something, I don't know - but it somehow makes my mouth open on its own accord, just as we slowly turn to go back to our studio, because he seems to have seen Mingi too. "This is why I got here though." I make a gesture that's supposed to include it all; this corridor and its dance studios, the arts building in general; the hulk, the sports building, the graveyard... "The trainee thing. I'd wanted to study dance, and it was convenient that the uni in Busan was so close to my home, so I just went there - but that was also at the time that my parents had finally completely paid off the debts I owed my former company, and when they voiced their worries that becoming a relatively well-paid dancer is really hard... I already should've listened to them when they were worrying about the trainee-thing, and I kinda really wanted to go to Seoul, but auditions at Seoul Uni always seemed just really fucking intimidating- Anyway. I tried it out and got accepted." I snort when I think back to the A+. So much for thinking I couldn't make it here. "And then I switched my study course to this. Performance and Aesthetics."
San squeezes my hand again, and somehow that's what keeps me going: "I don't know how my parents are comfortable giving me so much money for living here, but... I think they really like that I've got some theoretic classes, because that means I'll have more opportunities at getting a job later on, one that's not about dance only. And no matter what job I'll do later... I want to pay them back for everything they went through because of me. They never said it, but... I remember how they had to cut financial stuff a bit shorter to try and pay those debts in time, and I just... wanna try to pay them back. And also, the reputation of Seoul Uni is really good, so I'll have good chances for a job anyway..." I pause, looking over to San. "... yeah. Whatever. That is kind of... it."
San stays silent for a few more seconds - and when he opens his mouth, I get the impression that he's choosing his words very carefully: "I can't imagine what it must have been like. Being a trainee and everything." He takes a deep breath before turning to look at me. "I think you've been so strong to make it so far, Wooyoung. And I'm sorry they kicked you out when this was your dream. They clearly didn't know what they were doing, because I think..." The pink that almost faded creeps again up into San's cheeks. "I think you're amazing", he mumbles, barely audible, while busying himself with inspecting the door handle.
"I'm sorry they kicked me out too... but I'm glad I met you and everyone else", I mutter.
"Yah! San, Wooyoung? Is that you?", someone shouts from behind us.
Mingi. Of course. I heave a sigh and let go of San's hand. San doesn't comment on it. Instead he turns to face Mingi with a smile on his face: "Mingi-yah! Why didn't you tell me you had a girlfriend before?" He pouts. "You need to start telling me stuff again!"
"Hypocrite", I mutter into his ear.
San coughs loudly, cutting Mingi's answer short. "Anyway! Let's head back in. We've all been waiting for you, Mingi-yah." And when opens the door for Mingi and I make a move to follow second, he quietly tells me, "We'll talk later, okay?"
And as though yesterday never existed, nervousness washes over me and I pause in my steps. "Uh. Yeah. Sure."
"Studio 057 after dance practice?" When I throw him a questioning glance, San smiles. "I've booked it; it's mine for today."
With fluttering nerves, I enter the dance studio again, trying my best to act as though I've only been to the bathrooms for five very long minutes.