HIDE MY EMOTIONS. CAST A few scrutinising glances behind my shoulder as I walk.
It's become a habit to doubt everything these days. I'm sharing less and less with my friends. Admittedly, I was never very open in the first place, but pushing my feelings down and away has become worryingly easy. I don't even know when it happened. Maybe it has something to do with the inevitable disappointment that will fill their eyes when I reveal I've ended up sympathising with the Monarchs.
With a contrived smile, I greet my friends. Even the walk to the library, to our little table made me paranoid that I was being watched. It's ridiculous; there's nothing condemning five students meeting up, yet the sheer secrecy around our plan now makes me worry that we'll be punished if the Monarchy catches us. Today's agenda has an undertone of darkness. I can see it accumulating in random flashes of anger in Delaney's grey eyes, frustrated sighs escaping from Benjamin's throat. None of us have sat down yet.
Delaney makes herself comfortable in a chair first. She peers at me with her observant eyes. "What happened with Reece last week?"
Under her calculated stare, holding onto a blank face becomes a harder task. My answer is as transparent as possible, without revealing too much of Reece's secret. "He told me what Brittany was using to blackmail him."
They obviously think my answer is not enough. Benjamin pipes up, "What was it?"
My breath catches in my throat, caught on the lump of guilt that has been a part of me for too long. If I don't tell them, who is it I'm betraying? Am I betraying the trust placed in me by Reece and Derek, or the duty I owe to my friends to end the Monarchy as swiftly as possible? "I can't tell you."
"But you wouldn't tell us Derek's, and now you won't tell us about Reece," Benjamin argues.
Even Leah, always the softer side of a knife, has to agree with the rest of them on this one. "What's up with you? I know we planned for you to get close to them, and you've done that brilliantly. But we also planned for you to share the information. Hold up the deal, Sophie."
"I want to tell you, believe me. When I went into this I didn't think they were hiding things that dark. They are, and they trust me."
Benjamin scoffs, "No kidding. We knew that their secrets had to be dark. Do you think Brittany controlled them for years with only a trivial rumour?"
"Of course not. But we can still use the information to our advantage, I'll make sure of it."
Delaney remarks, "You mean, you can still use the information to your advantage. Come on, Sophie. We need to know this."
The crossroads are here, while I am pelted with accusations. Both paths seem wrong. I can't protect the vulnerable sides of these powerful people when they have never protected anyone else, nor can I take them down in such a foul way. My friends are standing with aggressive postures, crossed arms and disapproving frowns. I feel like I've been dragged kicking and screaming into an ultimatum.
"They trusted me," is my single, weak defence.
Delaney reacts immediately, still elegant when frustrated. "They can't be trusted. You know that."
"Just tell us," Benjamin says, trying to maintain his calm. "What makes you think you deserve to know more than we do?"
"Because they told me, not you."
"Sophie," Delaney warns. "Whatever Reece and Derek told you is the only thing that can help us. We can stir as much rebellion as we want, but as long as Brittany has that level of control over them, we can't do anything impactful. You have to tell us."
"And I will. Just not yet. I mean, I don't even know what I'm going to do with the information. When I figure out how it can best be of use to us, then I promise I will tell you all."
Delaney grunts in frustration, "You're not the only one who gets to make decisions."
"Everything to do with the Revolution should be unanimous. If I don't want to tell you, I shouldn't have to tell you."
"That's a tiebreaker fallacy if you're the one with the secret," she grunts. "Seems like you're going weak."
"I'm not going weak!" I shout, enraged. Need I remind them of how hard I fought to convince them all to join? I believed in the Revolution from the start. I believe everyone has some sliver of goodness in them, and it's always worth saving. It's not a bad thing to care. "You think, what, just because Reece and Derek fed me some emotional bullshit that I'm going to switch sides?"
"Well, it would explain why you're not telling us," Leah notes.
Drew has been quiet in his seat this whole time, watching the fight with an uncomfortable expression. He hates conflict. We're lucky the librarian seems to be on a break, because our voices have risen from hushed whispers to outright yells. "I'm not telling you because I'm weak. I'm as strong as ever."
The challenge is smouldering, setting Delaney's grey irises on fire with a determined flame. "Prove it. What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to find out Madison's and Terrence's secrets. Then, when I figure out the plan, you can know everything. It will all end in one hit."
"And how would that work?" I swerve around answering, because truthfully I don't know yet. I have no idea what I'm going to do, uncertain if I can take one more step without dropping dead with guilt or indecision. Either way, I have to hurt someone. My only choice is who.
I need time to think, and this puts at least a month between now and when Delaney might give up on me. "Trust me."
Thick with doubt, Benjamin's eyes stare me down. "Don't ask us to—"
"Trust me. I'm finishing this." It must be the finality in my voice that ends the conversation.
Every worried frown loosens, but the negativity still lingers from the argument like static in the air before a thunderstorm. My skin tingles. Worried, at any minute, a storm might spark into reality again.
Delaney moves a strand of red hair out of her face, meticulously redoing her ponytail. A slow breath leaks out of her mouth, and when she raises her chin off her collarbones, it's like the past five minutes never happened. Her sweet smile is a perfect combination of ingenuity, and evil. Nothing trembles with anger, nothing burns with rage. Delaney has changed everything about herself. An actress, or a madwoman.
And Benjamin, too. He is ridiculously smart, but his ambition might be his downfall. His analytical mind is a sharp blade that will slice through any emotional attachments if he needs to, and I've been on the receiving end of it before. That is the reason he was the only one sitting alone on the first day of school, his math homework spread out on the cafeteria table in front of him.
I analyse Leah, our warrior princess. Under the paisley prints and floral scarves beats a stone heart. Madison's tormenting of Faune has shredded her trust for people and even now, I am reminded of how easily Leah doubts. Running is her natural defense. Get away before you get burned. Maybe it's that sense of self-preservation for her and her sister that will see her leaving the Revolution.
Despite what Drew tells us, I still think he has a lot of sentiment reserved for Reece and Derek. His past with them sounds like a happy childhood. What wouldn't he give to have that back? Drew has urged me to dole out second chances and persuasive conversation so many times, but it's reached the point where he's deluding himself with hope.
I have no idea what to do, except what feels right. My hands are clasped professionally on the table, reflecting my new business-like mindset. "Any ideas for getting the truth out of Madison and Terrence?"
"I don't know," Delaney quips, "I would have thought you could do it on your own, since that is what you've been doing for the whole Revolution."
I rush to defend myself, just as the bell interrupts us. Relieved and grateful for the opportunity to leave, I clamp my mouth shut on the comeback. In unison, we pick up our bags and head to our classes. Trying to keep a poker face, I offer, "We'll talk about this later."
"Sure."
Cold air flies into my face as I burst into the bustling hallway, calming the writhing bunch of nerves that had me so hot and bothered in the library. That entire meeting was a mess. I need space from my friends and time to think.
My dynamic with Derek has shifted dramatically. He behaves politely towards me, and dare I say it, his company is almost nice. I might even call him a friend of mine, if not for the waves of guilt that hit whenever he looks at me. So, essentially, the same situation I have with Terrence and Reece.
On the other hand, the situation with Madison is even worse. Leah and I share a music class with her, but with the bad blood between Leah and Madison, it seems I have the responsibility of chipping away at her in my spare time. I promised my friends I would learn her secret before the year is out, except the very idea just seems so unlikely. She and Brittany are just so similar, and that's why I haven't interacted with her as much as the others this year.
On the way to Music, the door of the science department girls bathroom swings open. Inches from running me over, Madison pulls up short. "Sorry," she apologises insincerely. She is already rushing down the hallway before the last syllable is out.
"Wait, Madison."
She turns around, face looking more flush-red than her usual pale pink. So are her eyes, so is her nose. Has she been crying? Her voice turns hostile when she sees my sympathy for her. "What do you want?"
"I wanted to talk to you." My breath catches as I watch her wipe furiously at her eye. "But, it looks like you're busy right now."
"No kidding," she says sourly.
I didn't mean any harm by asking. It's not like I was looking for gossip. Even though I took advantage of Reece's emotional vulnerability to get the truth, I wouldn't dare try the same tactic on her. By the wired hatred in Madison's eyes, the derisive curl of her painted lips I can tell that while Madison is emotional, she is not vulnerable. If anything she gets more defensive this way.
That makes me wonder if she ever lets down her guard, if I ever can find out the secret that links her to Brittany. Madison swivels on her pretty pair of heels and walks away. From the back, it looks like nothing is wrong with her.
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
Not many people I know would choose to spend their free period working.
I used to read in free periods, but most of my time has been taken up by studying for my AP course exams. Benjamin does homework, but at least I understand the logic behind that. He does it sooner so he has time to do fun stuff later.
But I don't know anyone who would lock themselves up in a room and work on the newspaper like Kyler does.
He didn't tell me to visit him, but ever since I found we share free periods, I've made a mental note to visit the aspiring editor. He also didn't tell me he'd be anywhere specific, but I already know where to find him. The press room is unlocked. I try to enter quietly.
Kyler looks to me, startled, before letting his worry melt as he recognises me. "Hey, Sophie. How have you been?"
"I'm good." There's another chair at the desktop computer next to the one he's working on, which I pull up next to him and sink down into. "What about you?"
"Really great, actually," Kyler beams.
I watch, fascinated, as Kyler organises page four of next week's newspaper. There's some fancy software window open on the computer. Kyler also has several written articles open, as well as photo files. Slowly, he cuts and pastes words and images into the layout, expertly dragging margins and borders to piece the whole together.
He's preoccupied with this task. His silence lets me really inspect how good he is at this. "It's just me today," he mumbles eventually. "But, I think you've given everyone a shot of confidence, Soph."
"How so?"
A quiet laugh emits over the sound of Kyler typing away, but he confesses, "I have no idea how you did it, but more kids have signed up for the editorial team."
A smile lights up my face, and I wish Kyler was looking at me to see it. But, like I said, he loves working for the newspaper. "That's great news."
"Yeah. I finally have someone to pass my legacy down to."
"You seem really happy." Honestly, everyone can see it in the vibrancy of his smiles. The lifted posture. Gleaming eyes.
"Not just me, either. All the clubs are doing great, from what Wyn's told me. More funding, more members, more attention and opportunities. Delaney told me you kicked Brittany's behind when she tried to scare away some sophomores from the Debate Club." Of course he'd use the most polite moniker that exists for ass.
Kyler stops typing to grin dazzlingly. Momentarily I feel really proud of what I've done, despite the questionable things I have to do. "You really have helped a lot around here, Sophie."
"I didn't get anyone funding, or more members. That was all you."
Placing a hand on my shoulder, Kyler says, "Confidence is worth more than money is."
"Speaking of money, how are you coming along with the debt payment?"
Kyler looks around the room with such joy and pride that I already mind myself elated at his unsaid answer. "Spectacular. It's all been paid, and Principal Fisher seems permanently fixed on the newspaper now."
"That's great news." Kyler has to drag his gaze away from the screen to give me an affirmative gaze. I know I should let the workaholic keep to his addiction. "I'm going to get going now."
He at least stands to hug me. "Thanks, Soph. For checking up on me, and everything else.