Well, here it is. Our last performance for the tour. Leaving in two days back to Dance Moms. Waking up is becoming a bigger task, exerting more of my limited energy just to stand up. But I don't feel too bad today.
"Last performance. This sucks," Pressley announces out loud and I mumble in agreement.
"Let's make it our best!" I exclaim enthusiastically, and we both smile.
Of course, this is another performance where I have to wear another leotard. And if I have to skip out on another performance, then everybody will be suspicious. But I want to save my calories for Easter.
My stomach is practically begging for food. I fill it up with water as I begin to get changed. Today is neon day. A cool concept. I have a black lettuce edge shirt from Forever 21, a pair of neon green leather pants from Nordstrom, white Crocs from Foot Locker, accompanied with a glow-in-the-dark ring, a puka shell necklace, and silver star stud earrings from Claire's.
My phone case and very, very, very dull razor go into a glow-in-the-dark phone case with moons and stars. Luckily, the razor doesn't block out any glow. I do my makeup pretty naturally for the performance.
Pressley gets changed after. She's wearing a very neon dress that makes my eyes hurt. As I take my pills, she does my hair in a crown braid thing as I had it yesterday, but in a ponytail.
"Lilly, your hair is falling out," Pressley exclaims.
"I know," I drably respond.
She sighs in disappointment and finishes up the hairstyle. She does her hair and makeup. I turn on some Nicky Ricky Dicky & Dawn for us to watch. I'm surprised they have these shows in London.
Pressley eats some berries and toast for breakfast, and I steal a raspberry and a strawberry for some strength. One calorie for the raspberry and two calories for the strawberry. My stomach is very thankful, and I'm glad it at least doesn't feel full.
By the end of the show, it's 9:00. Our performance space is just next door. Why did we put on our normal street clothes anyway if we're going to have to change in an hour? I don't know.
When Pressley and I get into the lobby, nobody is there. Pressley suddenly gets a ping on her phone. After looking at it for a second, she starts rushing out the door.
"Where are you going?" I yell after her, running to keep up.
"Next door. Everybody's already there!" Pressley exclaims as I finally catch up with her at the doors.
And right at the entrance, everybody is waiting around for something.
"The owner won't let us in!" Sarah laughs as Ms. Abby is having a very heated argument.
"You don't understand! I am Abby Lee Miller! I rented this space out for my kids to meet their fans!" Ms. Abby yells.
Everybody is silently laughing, doubling over. This is hilarious and it keeps going on and on for ten minutes. I don't find much fun anymore, but this triggers an actual dopamine release.
"I need to see your boss! I made a reservation! Ok, ok, ok. Well, I just need to get into the building so my kids can perform!" Ms. Abby screams.
Hannah grabs a bobby pin out of her hair and starts to pick the lock. Ms. Ann stops her, scolding her. It may be illegal, but it's sure damn funny. Ms. Abby goes on for what seems like hours, getting more aggravated by the second.
And then we hear a click. We all turn our heads to the doors and someone is standing there, making us jump. Ms. Abby hangs up her phone as somebody unlocks the door. We all finally start to burst into laughter, some of us collapsing on each other and falling to the ground.
"Girls! Act professional!" Ms. Abby snaps, and the poor man looks very uneasy and uncomfortable.
"It's about time..." Ms. Gianna grumbles.
As we thank the man and quickly stride in, Ms. Abby orders, "Since we have half the time, I need you guys to put on the red leotards and the pink ALDC merch! Now!"
We immediately grab a set and take off, racing to find a changing area like lunatics. The extra time pressure sends us into a hysteric panic. Eventually, Sarah yells for us to come. There is a bathroom. Only three stalls. Hannah, Gia, and Pressley go in first.
Sarah and I take some Snapchats while we wait for everybody to get ready. I suddenly get an extreme pang of dizziness, and I put my near entire body weight on the wall so I don't pass out. Can they just hurry up?
After hearing multitudes of giggling and laughing, the sound comes closer and closer until they finally exit and run back to help set up everything. Sarah and I, now pressed for time, rush into the bathroom to get changed.
At least putting the baggy clothes over the leotard makes me feel better about my body since it covers everything and it's getting so baggy the leggings are like sweatpants. Good enough, though. It is our last performance.
"Need some pins?" Sarah asks, observing my leggings.
"Do you have any?" I ask, curious to see if she has any.
"Mom always told me to carry some around," Sarah grunts, fishing out some pins from her hoodie pocket.
"Oh my gosh, thank you so much!" I say, quickly adding in the pins where it's too loose.
Once they're secure, we rush back to assist as well. We only have ten minutes now, so everyone is at super speed. And with one person gone, everything is taking longer. Ms. Abby puts me and Sarah in charge of putting down the 120 chairs needed.
The deafening sound of the metal folding chairs makes me feel sick to my stomach. Multiply that by 60 on each side. My stomach is constantly churning with its two red berries swirling inside until the clanging sounds finally stop.
"Girls! Run and find your signs! Fans are coming!" Ms. Abby yells as she wheels to her post.
I race to my spot, and luckily, it's the first, which means nowhere near Ms. Abby, who's going to hold up the line. Immediately, fans take some seats. Brady and I sneak some looks behind. Some people are standing behind. More than 120.
I laugh anxiously as Ms. Gianna starts directing the fans. I immediately grace my face with a smile as fans start piling up. Hug, quick 30-second chat, smile for a photo, move on. It's not too bad. Maybe the whole scenario with us not being allowed in made me a little happier.
There's this one toddler that gives us some cat ears, like Gia's. This is, I think, the second pair of cat ears I've gotten. They even give some to Ms. Abby. We all keep ours on for the rest of the photo op, except Ms. Abby, because she's a professional, I guess.
This is probably the best photo op I've ever had, so I'm glad it's the final one. Leaving a good taste in my mouth, I guess. But of course, now are the group dances. With Body and Soul first. You've probably gained ten pounds during this, Lilliana. I'm surprised the leotard fits honestly. You need to make another excuse not to do the routine.
No, no, no. I skipped on Thursday, I cannot skip. Hannah, Gia, and I go in first, and I absolutely hate, hate, hate my body in this. Try not to cry, Lilly. Try not to cry. I hold my head in my hands before quickly going out so Press or Sarah can get changed.
I run backstage and double-check everything, having a small nervous breakdown. My big smile is like a child pageant smile: fake. Obviously fake. I'm shaking, but nobody notices. Not even the girls, who are always all over my case.
You can't go out there, Lilliana. Not in this way too tight leotard. You can see the back fat. You can see the near nonexistent thigh gap. Your arms are hideous. You're at least 100 pounds, Lilliana. Don't go out there.
Nonetheless, Ms. Abby announces us in a microphone, and I'm forced to go out. I see some murmurs in the audience. Some whispers that dig under my skin. They're obviously talking about how much weight you gained, Lilliana. You don't deserve to dance the rest of the day.
Everything is going okay dance-wise. No sickled feet, good turnout, no sloppiness on my end. Everybody claps loudly, as we jazzily walk off the stage, immediately running to put on our King of Queens costume once we can't be seen.
I quickly throw on the very, very, loose white costume, putting back in the pins that were in my black hoodie. Two in my tank top, and two in my jeans. I feel so tired and sick, but I gotta carry on. Push through, Lilly.
Luckily, we're just backup dancers for Brady on this one. I miss a step in our traveling firebird. So small, the average person wouldn't notice. But at least for me, it makes me feel more like a failure.
No time to dwell on that though. Last outfit before the mock auditions, and then the solos. A short-sleeved shirt and briefs. Ugh. Why can't I wear jeans like everybody else in this number? Once again, pins in my briefs. The shirt is supposed to be loose anyway.
I put on my sad emotions and do the dance. More murmurs in the audience. They're probably critiquing your first time as a lead, Lilliana. Bad critiques. You're a horrible dancer. Ms. Abby should have never put you as a lead.
The props are a little finicky, so Hannah and Gia have to sprint to their marks because they both couldn't pick up their signs, so of course, when we're running off stage to get back into our sweats, Hannah and Gia are freaking out, worried Ms. Abby will yell at them. They're not exactly Ms. Abby's favorites of the bunch.
But Ms. Abby won't get to see us until everything is over. I'm stuck waiting with Hannah while Sarah, Gia, and Press get their stuff on. I pull out the pins, and the briefs are so baggy without the pins.
Well, I guess it's time to be covered up again until I put on a straitjacket and briefs. I put back in the pink ALDC merch, adding pins around it to secure it enough so they don't fall down when I dance. I'm going to have to get some pins in somehow or ask Mom for another size. Either one would make me seem suspicious.
I'll worry about this later. I have to go win the final mock audition. I take a deep breath, run back to the backstage where I listen to the mothers banter until everybody else arrives. We give a thumbs up to Ms. Gianna, who calls us off.
I run on stage when my name is called, doing a front aerial walkover for a little pizzazz. We all add our own pizzaz. Gia does a layout kick, Brady does a back layout, Pressley does a walking front walkover, Sarah does a back tuck, and Hannah does a dive front walkover.
I get in the front so people can see me, and the music starts. This time, we get to improv for the last eight counts, so I do some of my contortion tricks to impress Ms. Abby. Every round, someone has to get eliminated, and Pressley didn't have a good enough turnout, so she's out.
Next round, layout kick, standing side aerial, pose for the rest. Hannah's musicality was off, so she's out. Second round passed. But in the third round, I notice my relevé isn't high enough. Crap. I finish, and as expected, I get eliminated.
Pressley, Hannah, and I comfort each other like we've lost the audition of a lifetime. This one is sort of a big deal, I guess. You aren't even good enough for a fake audition, Lilliana. Imagine how bad you'll be at real ones!
I don't even watch the rest of them, sometimes peeking, anxiously waiting for another of my friends to come through the curtains. Who's not going to be in the top two? I hear the music start. I hear it stop. I close my eyes and cross my fingers. I hear the rustle of the curtain. Brady.
"It is now between Sarah and GiaNina! This time, it is all improv, and, why don't we let the fans decide?" Ms. Abby announces, and the crowd gives a big whoop.
The music starts. It's on. Gia does some jazzier movements, bigger movements like Broadway. Sarah does a bunch of impressive acro. I'd personally vote for Sarah, but I bet it's going to be really close.
"Who votes for GiaNina?" Ms. Abby asks, and she gets hearty applause.
Ms. Abby, being extra, brings out a decibel meter. 75 decibels. Hard to beat!
"Alright, who votes for Sarah?" Ms. Abby asks, and she also gets very hearty applause.
"And the decibel reading is... 85 decibels! Everybody give some applause for Sarah and Gia!"
Sarah gets a little crown, a comically little crown as we run off. We all give Sarah a big, big hug. She deserves it. In two days, she'll be shunned and shamed for her mother's mistakes, so I'm determined to make her feel happy for the next two days.
It just so happens that Sarah's closing out the show, so she doesn't need to get ready until Pressley goes. She goes to find an empty hallway to practice her cartwheel stamp back tuck. It's gotten better, but still a little shoddy. It should be perfect for the final show.
I immediately get in my straitjacket. Brady, Hannah, and Pressley go before me. I discreetly put on tan briefs, which is an especially hard task with the moms around. Sarah often covers me, pushing me in a situation so I can position them in.
"Lilly, you're on deck!" Ms. Gianna yells, and I get a quick peck on the forehead from Mom before I go.
I watch Gia do the Snowflake dance. So pretty. Her lines are clean, and nice, and so beautiful. But she has four limbs. For entertainment appeal, eliminating half of the limbs available is going to give the audience more of an uproar. People just don't appreciate lyrical dance.
She exits the stage. Hannah gives her a big hug. I take a breath, and run out psychotic, scared. I shuffle in a circle, back facing the audience. And I perform. I feel like I'm on Cloud Nine. This is just like when I performed for JoJo. Liberating.
I get a big roar of applause, some people shouting, "I love you Lilly!" All lies. The thoughts don't even have to tell me. It's only because I've been on the show. Sarah and I share a quick embrace before she goes on stage, absolutely knocking it out of the park.
I hold my breath as she approaches the cartwheel stamp back tuck. We all peek around the corner, and when she lands it with finesse, we all give a silent cheer. She did it. Immediately, once she finishes and leaves the stage, we all give her a really big hug.
"Let's go do the best bows out there. Last show y'all!" Pressley hypes up.
We all give a cheer of excitement, me putting in all my effort to sound happy. I put on my biggest smile and run out there, waving at all the fans. We all take a bow, cheering as loud as we possibly can, and run back out.
Immediately, we all collapse into a big hug, That's it. The touring is over. Tomorrow is Easter, and then we fly home. Pressley and I start crying immediately. This is over. Monday we head back home to hell.
We all just hold each other for a minute or two, the wave of realization mixed with sadness and euphoria washing over all of us. It's all over. After the moment is over, we all let go, and we see Ms. Abby roll in.
"Excellent closing show everybody! This has been one of the best experiences, touring around with you talented kids!" Ms. Abby exclaims, and we all smile big.
"Now, I want you all to get on your clothes, and we're going to take you guys someplace special. And before you ask, it is not ice cream," Ms. Abby announces, and we giggle at the second remark.
Mom hands me back my clothes and I amble to the bathroom with all of the other kids. We've just pulled that off. Me, Hannah, and Sarah go in first. I don't like the way my arms look at the top, but at least everything is a little baggy.
"Lilly, are you sure you don't need any more safety pins? That's baggy on you," Sarah asks, holding out more pins.
"Thanks, but the bagginess makes me feel more... reaffirmed. The bagginess, it reminds me that all the pain is worth it," I say, smiling.
"Okay, but I'll have them in case, okay?" Sarah reminds me, and I give her a quick hug, thanking her.
"We should probably get back so we can go to Ms. Abby surprise," Hannah interjects, suddenly appearing in the mirror.
We all agree and exit so Gia and Pressley can very quickly get ready. We go back to the moms and Sarah, Hannah, and I put back the chairs. Once again, the sound makes me gag and shiver with disgust.
The other kids tackle the signs, so within twenty minutes, everything is packed. The moms haul the suitcases full of equipment and all that jazz into the minibus. We grab our own and do the same. I sit next to Brady and we immediately start playing the Baby Shark Song.
"Baby Shark! Doo doo doo doo doo doo! Baby Shark! Doo doo doo doo doo doo! Baby Shark! Doo doo doo doo doo doo! Baby Shark! Mommy Shark! Doo doo doo doo doo doo! Mommy Shark! Doo doo doo doo doo doo! Mommy Shark! Doo doo doo doo doo doo! Mommy Shark! Daddy Shark! Doo doo doo doo doo doo! Daddy Shark! Doo doo doo doo doo doo! Daddy Shark! Doo doo doo doo doo doo! Daddy Shark!" we all start to scream, annoying every single adult on that cramped bus.
"Brady! Stop the music!" Ms. Tricia exclaims, and after about two more minutes of pleading, he stops the music.
"You ladies and lads are the oddest bus group I've ever driven!" the bus driver shouts, and we all laugh at his comment.
It's not that far away from the auditorium, so I don't know why we even took the minibus. But we pull up to this quaint little shop and I see Ms. Abby's transportation right in front of us. It has fancy dresses in it.
"Why did Ms. Abby takes us to a dress shop?" Pressley asks.
"No offense to dresses, but I hope they have suits," Brady says, making it a bit slower for comedic effect.
"Well, only one way to find out!" I chip in, hiding my anxiety about clothes shopping.
What if nothing fits because I'm too fat? What if my body looks awful in the dress? I fidget with my fingers as we walk in and see Ms. Abby and Ms. Gianna there. I put on a smile as the bell rings in front of the door.
The dresses look so fancy and pretty and expensive. It's like we're in a dress shop for a red carpet ceremony. We all gawk at the dresses and suits all being held up by the thin mannequins that I aspire to be.
"Now, you all are wondering why I brought you to this dress shop," Ms. Abby begins, and we all nod, keeping our eyes on so many dresses.
"Well, as you all know, Easter is tomorrow, and for a big bang to the end of our UK trip, I thought it would be pretty if we got you all dressed up for Easter church service!" Ms. Abby announces and we all squeal quietly, mine fake.
Great. Now everybody, including God, will know my sins of being fat and caving into bad thoughts. We all start looking at dresses. Sarah immediately finds this blue feathery one with purple flowers on the bodice. A man takes her back for tailors and alterations.
Alright, so at least this dress won't be too big or too baggy on me. That gives me a bit of peace of mind. I look around the tiny shop. Everything looks so fancy, it's almost like I'm afraid it'll break if I touch it.
Eventually, I find this beautiful pink dress with a champagne bodice, hot pink tulle, and a little bowtie. It's beautiful. I also grab the little hair accessory on top. Sarah is still doing her tailors and alterations, so I wait.
Gia joins me in this now-forming line. She has this absolutely beautiful white dress with red flowers all over it, a little white mesh near the bottom, along with a red hair accessory.
Sarah returns back about three minutes later, her dress in one of those dry cleaning bags that keep fancy clothes very well preserved. I go in next. I put the dress on and it is one of the most baggy pieces of clothing I have ever worn in the history of my life!
"You are certainly a twig, dear!" the man exclaims quietly, and I smile.
A stranger just called me thin! Little butterflies fill my stomach as he puts in pins and thread and pokes and prods me with needles. This is taking forever.
Gia takes a peek and while the man's back is turned, I mouth, "This is taking forever!"
She giggles and quickly pulls back the curtain when the man is facing the curtain. He works on everything, and slowly but surely, it begins to fit like a glove. He cuts the bottom so it's knee-length instead of dragging on the floor, and finally, it's over.
He puts it in a bag while I put it back on my clothes. I thank him and Gia comes in right after me. Hannah, Pressley, and Brady are lined up too. We all burst out into quiet laughter, not wanting to disrupt the quaint and homey atmosphere of the shop.
Gia's and Pressley's alterations take just as much time as mine. Hannah's and Brady's take a little bit more time, but I guess I won an unspoken competition of: how much time does it take for a dress to fit your body?
"What took you so long?" Mom asks as everybody is getting their outfits paid for.
"It was very, very big on me," I whisper, and she giggles.
After about two hours since we got here, and what I can only estimate to be thousands of dollars later, we finally get our dresses. Our parents hold them as we get back into the minibus.
"Thank you Ms. Abby!" we all say in unison as we enter the bus.
"You're very welcome sweethearts. See you at church at eight o'clock!" Ms. Abby calls out.
"All the dresses there were so pretty!" Hannah gushes, and we all agree.
"I like mine the best! It's so long!" Gia exclaims.
I sit next to Brady again, and he puts his legs up on my seat, so I'm squished against the wall again. I try to push him off, but he's too strong over my weak and feeble ten-year-old body. My bones feel weaker, so I stop after only one try of trying to push him off. I succumb to his silliness and give him an annoyed face.
I feel his legs pressing against my bones, my skin getting a bruise from having the added pressure of Brady on me. I wince in pain, gripping my side, and he backs off. I pull up my shirt just enough to see a foot-sized bruise on my side.
"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!" Brady whispers, trying not to draw attention.
"I mean, I can cover it up. It's not a big deal. It will probably be over by pyramid on Tuesday," I assure Brady, and he gives me a side hug, still feeling really bad.
You deserve the bruise the size of Brady's foot, Lilliana. You need more pain to make up for tomorrow's cheat day. It does hurt, though. So I distract myself with the fading sunset. My glow-in-the-dark ring and phone case will stand out at least!
It's fully dark by the time we reach the hotel, even though it is seriously like, ten minutes away. We thank the minibus driver. Last time we'll see him again. My ring and phone case are definitely glowing, but I start internally panicking that you can see a faint outline that I didn't notice before on my phone case of my razor. I speed walk inside and everything is normal.
Tonight is what Pressley and I call a vending machine dinner. Super unhealthy, but tasty. For Pressley. She gets Cheetos, cookies, M&Ms, and I get some pretzels for her, creating the illusion That I'll have some dinner.
As Pressley munches on some Cheetos, and we begin to watch some Fuller House, she exclaims, "I cannot wait for Easter! Mom says we're going to have a full English breakfast for dinner!"
I look up what's in a full English breakfast. Eggs, toast, bacon, sausage, black pudding, baked beans, tomatoes, and mushrooms. Sheesh. I can just see calories in my head. Well, I've prepared for this week.
"I think I saved enough calories to eat some actual food for Easter," I mutter, and Pressley's face lights up.
"That's awesome! I'm proud of you!" Pressley announces, and I smile.
Her compliment... actually makes me feel good. She didn't mean that compliment, Lilliana. She's praising you for becoming fat and ugly. I shrug off the intrusive thought for the first time in what seems like weeks, and I continue watching Jackson try to bail Ramona out of school by pulling the fire alarm.
By the end of two episodes, it's nine. We have to get up early for bed, so I turn off the TV and I get ready for bed. I take off all of my makeup and hop in the shower. I shouldn't cut today. I should make my wrists have a grace period before I mutilate them after Easter.
I dry out my hair and brush my teeth before putting on my pajamas. I put on some magenta leopard print pajamas and I make sure my wrists are covered. I switch out my phone case to my normal pink one. The glow-in-the-dark one would show tonight.
Pressley takes her shower and comes out with a white t-shirt that says butterfly on it, and matching blue butterfly shorts, her hair in a messy bun. We chat for a few minutes, gradually sinking into our beds.
Our heads hit pillows, lights are turned off, and we eventually fall asleep. Oh God, tomorrow will be hell.
~~~~~