When someone can't seem to 'connect' they begin to watch. They watch the people around them talking, laughing, crying, loving. They'll try to live through others or examine how people interact with each other so closely, so that they might be able to figure out how to talk, interact, cry, and love with others themselves.
The people-watching started at a young age for Sunghoon. He wasn't social. He didn't like what other kids did. He couldn't wrap his head around them and why all the kids his age could be close with each other so easily. And he didn't realize what he was doing at the time, but he began to stay quiet and observe, so maybe he could find the reason and slip into their mindsets. And he started with Soobin.
He was just in kindergarten, but his parents kept fighting and he couldn't focus at school because of it. Soobin was in the grade above, and he saw him at lunchtimes. He sat with a girl with short black hair. It was just the two of them. And of course, he can't remember it today, but when they got picked up together after school he'd ask Soobin what she was like, and he'd just shrug and say they both liked the same cartoon.
So then Sunghoon decided that he must have found the secret out. Find a common interest and you'll make friends. But that started to fail. No one in his class like the cartoons he liked. And he couldn't figure out how to even start the conversation to ask if they liked Harry Potter like he did.
So he asked Soobin again at their weekly sleepovers. "How did you get close?". That's when he realized he wasn't the only person who people watched. Cause his cousin shrugged and pulled at his pajama pants and mumbled something about how she just kept talking to him and he didn't really know why. And he said all these things about her that you could only notice if you really paid attention. So at age six. Sunghoon realized, he can't figure people out. But he still tries. He still watches.
He watched Soobin be his only friend for years. He watched when he started to cry every day after school because he didn't have friends either. After all, the girl moved away. And he listened from the shut door upstairs that his Aunt put him in when Soobin would yell and stomp his feet because he was frustrated. He'd sit with his feet tucked underneath his body, hands folded in his lap with his forehead pressed against the wooden door. That's when he watched the most. When Soobin was upset.
He never really knew why Soobin cried and got angry so often. But he knew that the things he was yelling out he couldn't word properly. And he knew his Aunt and Uncle weren't actually listening to what he was frustrated with, they were just getting mad at him for throwing a fit. And it stressed Sunghoon out because he just figured that Soobin needed someone who would try and understand how he didn't like the sound of the vacuum and the tv playing at the same time, and he needed someone to help him breathe when he got angry cause no one was doing that for him.
That's why Soobin was the first person Sunghoon really watched. Soobin was misunderstood, just like he was. Of course, he didn't have meltdowns every day as he did, but he never felt like he was being listened to when he talked with his parents either, and just needed some comforting because school was tiring and he wasn't learning anything interesting. He learned a lot of things while watching Soobin interact with people. He stuttered while talking, and ran away when he talked in front of big groups of strangers, and he sobbed with Sunghoon hugged him, and asked him if he was okay after he got sent to time-out after a meltdown. He even tried to talk to his Aunt and Uncle about it once, but they just said that he had anger management issues and that some kids his age were like that. But Sunghoon spent all his time with him so he knew it wasn't anger. It was frustration around not being able to articulate his feelings and not being heard when he did. It's whats he himself did. He realized that when he was ten. He got frustrated when he felt like he wasn't being heard too. He got angry when his parents were punishing and not comforting just like Soobin.
But the real thing that came from watching Soobin, was how he changed. He was in sixth grade, he was in seventh. And he suddenly stopped having outbursts all the time. And he started to just open and shut his mouth and roll his eyes before calmly walking to his room when his parents told him "it wasn't as hard to talk to his therapist as he was making it out to be and that he was just being dramatic". He got really quiet. And the two of them would just sit in each other's rooms drawing in silence and occasionally talking about something they both liked. And yeah, Sunghoon did want to talk to him more since they used to talk all the time, but he knew Soobin had caged himself in a bubble of things that made him tune out the feelings that made him want to kick and scream about anyways. He knew from watching. He only liked to discuss music or books and looked bored when you mentioned anything else. It was like he just gave up on trying to get people to understand.
Sunghoon now knows he was doing the same thing though. Just in different ways. He started to only feel comfortable talking about other people, like what Soobin's day was like and what his favorite singer was doing on social media, so he could ignore how he was feeling unseen by his own parents. And maybe that was partially Soobin fault. Maybe seeing how messy his emotions were and how no one in his house liked them made him feel like if he were to talk about his feelings, people would respond with anger. He figures that's what originally started the whole "I don't know how to talk about myself" thing. But he also doesn't blame Soobin for it. Cause he didn't know any better. And he's also not sure if seeing Soobin slowly stop texting him the summer before his freshman year made him shut out completely from people, but he is sure that it definitely made him feel like he had no one to talk to anymore. Cause Soobin had been the only person he was okay with talking to up to that point.
Watching Soobin grow up was both interesting and heart-wrenching. But it no longer made sense when he finally started talking to him again, a year out of high school and with him engaged and happy. Soobin interacted and shared his feelings just fine. He and Yeonjun discussed their issues with each other calmly. And as much as Sunghoon loved him, it annoyed him a bit. Cause that one person he grew up with, the one that he felt he actually understood, seemed completely different.
But, sitting on Ten and Lisa's couch, looking at Jungwon sleeping with his face smushed against the cushions, made him understand present-day Soobin a bit more. Jungwon understands, and Jungwon listens. With Jungwon his feelings are messy and scary yes, but he still finds that they are safe and protected under the boy's grasp. He feels like when he'd wake up at Soobin and Yeonjun's house in the morning and the older of the two would be dancing around the other in the kitchen with a plate of pancakes in hand. And his soft breathing sounded like when they both joked with those three boys that came over so often.
Jungwon's skin was smooth looking, and his hair was a little shiny and messy under the small ray of morning sunlight coming out the window. His lips were open a bit, and his fingers were grasping loosely at the green blanket he was jumbled within. And he made a small noise when Sunghoon's hand hesitantly brushed his hair out his face. Jungwon was safe. He was safe with Jungwon. He wasn't his aunt or uncle yelling at Soobin's puffy and red face, and he wasn't himself listening from behind a bedroom door. He was when they were together in one of their rooms, laying on their bellies scribbling with crayons. He was when he'd listen to Soobin because no one else would. He felt like home. He was cozy.
Sunghoon smiled, he was glad he was here. He gently took his head and lifted it up, almost stopping when he stirred a bit and placed it on his lap. It felt a bit scary to him, cause it gave him a weird swirling sensation in his stomach, but he liked how he felt like he was taking care of the younger, protecting him. He had so many emotions for him. He felt so much. So strongly. Just like he always did with Soobin.
Some things still didn't make sense. Like why he relapsed so suddenly, and why it just happened to be the one time he'd be sent to the hospital (apparently he did actually die, but only for a few minutes). He knew that he had a problem for years since he grew up surrounded by friends and family who weren't good for him and introduced him to those things at a young age, but he never once heard of him going to the hospital. Sure there was that one time he got so drunk he blacked out. Or that other time he took something (he never specified what) that made him bedridden, staring at the ceiling for two days straight. But never so bad that the emergency room was involved. He never did too much. And the whole psycho brother thing seemed weird too. Everything just seemed fuzzy and like he was missing out on everything. He wanted to ask him so many questions, to know every single last detail so he could prevent it from happening ever again, but he felt bad to try and ask. Jungwon already felt so bad. Way too bad actually. He had apologized maybe a hundred times on the way from the airport to Ten and Lisa's, and a hundred more before they went to bed. And he was surprised he didn't hear him do it more in his sleep. Sunghoon knew it wasn't his fault, it was his brothers. But he seemed so guilty. Like he was desperate for unneeded forgiveness. It's not like Jungwon got himself sent to rehab on purpose. He couldn't have known that would have happened so he should stop making himself feel bad.
Sunghoon rubbed the skin on his ear between his index finger and thumb and sighed. He still didn't seem real. He seemed fake. It didn't feel right. But it did. He was just so confused.
"Hey."
He looked up from the boy's head on his lap, almost scared that if he didn't go back to its sight he'd disappear into thin air, and Jay, who was standing in front of him whispering, with sleep-deprived eyes and bunched up pajamas, would tell him Jungwon had never really come back.
"Hi. What are you doing up?"
Jay stood still, pushing his lips out in a weird contemplative silence, then rubbed his arms with a yawn, looking down at Jungwon then back at him. He smiled a bit looking at the both of them but then frowned.
"I don't know, I didn't sleep. Hyung and I got into a fight before we went to bed after getting back."
Jungwon's body turned, so his back was against the couch and his face facing up towards the ceiling, sleep-filled sigh leaving him, making the other two stop and stare before he calmed again and seemed to go back to full sleeping. It made Sunghoon want to stop talking completely so he wouldn't wake him up, so he would get the perfect amount of rest he needed, no matter how long, but Jay looked stressed, and him fighting with Heeseung of all people was definitely something he needed to worry about.
"Why? You guys never-"
"We did. Like bad."
"I didn't hear yelling though?"
Jay shook his head, not in a dismissive mood way, but in a shocked more anxious way. He then opened his mouth, nothing came out, and Sunghoon could only watch as he seemed to be searching an array of ideas and thoughts inside his head.
He never took Jay to be someone who worries. Yeah he was scared of a lot of things, but he never seemed to stress himself out over meaningless things like himself, not unless... not unless it was about Heeseung. That was the only time he saw his Adam apple go up and down with a stressed swallow, or his words become irrational in asking if he felt okay.
People watching. He's always done it. Soobin being the first, but many came after. Jay was one of them. He knew Jay talked a lot, but his expression and body language showed he had way more to speak of that he didn't even say. He knew he cared a lot more than he let on, cause he always cooks for them and does the shopping for food and snacks even without being asked, and he gives that boy Ni-ki English lessons even when he's tired. He's like Heeseung in that way, they both show love, instead of speaking it. They are the prime examples of what Sunghoon always imagined anonymous charity donors were like. They seemed to loved and care as much as Jake did, they just chose and preferred to do it in ways that didn't give them recognition. Jake used his words often, telling everyone that they could talk to him, but it seemed like the other two completely avoided that. At least with each other. Heeseung seemed semi-fine with telling Sunghoon in words that he cared. But maybe that's just a Sunghoon thing.
People watching meant he was incredibly skilled in knowing when something was wrong. And something was wrong with Jay.
"Are you okay? We can... talk... about it if you want?"
He hated how to awkward he sounded. Cause he really did care and want to know what they could have possibly fought about that made Jay stop sleeping. 'Cause it was normal for Heeeseung to not sleep (caffeine addict), but not him. And he really wanted to show he was there for him, he just didn't know how to express it. It was frustrating him. He couldn't articulate his feelings. He cared so much. So much it was making his entire body warm. He imagines that's what Soobin felt when he couldn't put into words all his sensory problems. Like a wild animal is sitting in your chest, waiting to burst but you can't seem to get to speak to it cause animals don't know human languages.
Jay was hurting. But he didn't know how or what to say to show him he could see it, or that he wished that he wasn't. He never got serious with Jay, other than the train, so it made it even worse. They had never been in this type of situation.
"I messed up. I messed up really bad."
"I- what? How did you-"
"I- just did okay. I can't tell you why but I did."
Sunghoon felt like he was out of control as Jay tugged at his hair, whispering his words quietly so Jungwon wouldn't wake up, with his eyes shut tight. Like he was watching a crime happen right in front of him and he had no way of stopping it, so he had to sit and watch something completely wrong happen.
"Are you guys going to be okay? I don't want you two to-"
"I.... Agh. I don't even know how to explain this to you without-
"I suggest you get your heads out of your asses and stop being idiots," Jungwon mumbled, eyes close and body not moving, causing silence to drip over all of them. "I'm a light sleeper and you two are loud. Just like the fight I heard at six in the morning so stop staring at me. I can feel your eyeballs."
"Wait- so you... heard us?"
Jungwon sat up, breathing heavily while rubbing his eyes then stretching his arms over his head, making a small cracking noise surround him with his sleepy bones. He looked like he was still sleeping. His eyes were still closed and his head was wobbling around with droopiness. And his sock-covered feet pocked out from the green blanket as he moved around, back falling against the back of the couch, eyes finally slowly opening with a squint.
"Yea."
The two boys on the couch then watched as Jay's face turned panicked and he slapped a hand over his eyes, turning around shuttering out a few cuss words.
"Hey, it's not like I'll tell anyone-"
"That's not the point! He's already upset that I told Ni-ki and that Jake knows! And he- we don't even know you. Sure we know that you were our friends dead- or not dead, boyfriend-friend-thing or whatever you two are. But we- dude he wouldn't even want ME knowing if he had the choice."
"Okay???" Jungwon said, completely calm and standing up off the couch, messing with his messy hair "how bout you ask him why he doesn't want people knowing??? Maybe??"
Sunghoon's mouth was open a little as he watched the two. He didn't know Jungwon could be sarcastic or sassy. And he didn't know Jay could be so... panicky??? It was like Jay was set on hyper brain mode, and like the other was set on under-brain mode.
"I've tried that! He's-"
"That's not what I meant buddy. Yeah, you promised him blah blah. But have you ever consider why he wanted you to promise? Like why does he actually want it to be a secret so bad anyways? I know I don't know all of it, but he's probably just insecure about it and got your intentions wrong or something."
"um- not to barge in or anything, but what is-"
"Sunghoon I love you. Really. But I don't think they want you to know?" Jungwon spoke softly, turning to him with a complete change of voice "how about you go see if Jake is up and I'll come to get you when Jay Hyung is less upset."
Sunghoon didn't want to leave if he were to tell the truth, to tell the truth. He wanted to stay and know what happened so he could help. He wanted to know everything so he wouldn't feel so lost within his friends. He didn't like not knowing. It made him feel uneasy. He hated feeling like he couldn't help. But Jungwon had always been better at advice and helping people than he was. He's always better at comforting. He can put people before himself so easily. Jungwon seemed perfect in everything.
Jungwon can kiss people without worrying that he'll lead them on. Jungwon can hug people without feeling like 'connecting' is too much for him to handle. Jungwon can let himself like people. He has so many friends back home, and everyone rushed to his side when he turned up alive. He's popular and he sociable and charming. Even the worries he has about the whole thing with him wanting to be a singer seem perfect, cause he sees the positive so easily. He appears clean and pretty. And when he is sad or upset he seemed calm and collected.
Sunghoon wishes he could be like that. He wishes he could be the person that loves someone and is okay with them not loving them back. He wishes he could be the person who texts back fast and has a way with words. And if only he could be as good at loving and caring as much as he is. He wishes he could be like Soobin, who seemed to get better and less anxious with no struggle. And he wishes he could let himself be loved just like he lets Yeonjun love him. He wishes he could be the person Jay felt he could trust with his and Heeseung fight. He wishes he didn't have to people watch.
He kinda wished he wasn't Sunghoon. Sunghoon is complicated and thinks too much. He could be friends with someone for ten years and still feel like he has them at an arms distance. He's curious but overly logical so he gets stuck in exhausting loops of trying to explain things. He views people as lacking sense and wishes they could just be a little more reasonable like he is, even though he's painfully aware that it's impossible because even he doesn't act logically. Cause trying to act logically is actually just acting based on your emotional need to make sense of the world. Sunghoon keeps his thoughts to his self then wonders why no ones ever understood him completely. Wondering why no one has ever known the tiny details about him like he knows them. Sunghoon is constantly learning and knows more than most, but gets so stressed because he sees how much he doesn't know, so much to the point that he thinks he knows nothing. Even though he is smarter than most. Sunghoon doesn't know how to act around people or society. Sunghoon is stuck holding himself back. Then complains about being held back.
He cringed at himself as he got off the couch, wanting things to be a little different inside of him. He wanted to change. He could fit in better if he changed. He wanted to stop and be Jake who was asleep on beds in front of him, or Heeseung who was scrolling on his phone giggling over some meme he was looking at.
And he could tell that Heeseung knew he was upset when he looked at him from his phone. He must have not slept either. But he didn't say anything because Sunghoon doesn't ever share what he's feeling unless he's rambling or being forced to. Cause Sunghoon is closed off.
Why does he have to be closed off? He can't even ask Sunoo if he's alright when he's been so worried about him and all that Minecraft he's been playing.
He didn't think as he crawled on the guest bed and kneeled over Jake's sleeping form. Cause Jake is perfect too. Jake is pretty all over and he's so caring. Sunghoon can't even be bothered to give someone comfort if they are upset. His mind is beautiful and he's so gentle in thinking. Sunghoon is harsh in thinking and can't be gentle unless his friend who was dead for a month shows up in front of him at an airport. Jake doesn't worry about how people react to him, he's always so calm in relationships.
Sunghoon frowned. He wanted to be better for everyone that was perfect. He leaned down and kissed Jake's forehead, brushing the hair over his eyes away and doing it once more before laying down beside him and hugging his body, hearing his heartbeat against his ear. Just like he heard Soobin crying from outside the door.
He felt hands curl around his waist, making his ribs tainted in ink burn a bit, then a reciprocated kiss on his head. He felt warmth burning across him.
"You did it." Mumbled a tired voice
"...did what?"
"Hug me while I was sleeping. I'm proud of you."
Sunghoon did, however, hug the boy who he was beginning to feel too much for without thinking about it because he knew he needed comfort and warmth. Sunghoon did let him be kissed on the head and took note of how nice it felt. Cause Jake felt like what it looked like to see Yeonjun hold Soobin when he was crying over it being too loud at the grocery store that one time. And what it felt like to watch Soobin do it back, when Yeonjun was overwhelmed by how bright the lights were at the same grocery store.
But he still didn't know why he asked Jungwon if it was okay to have Jake love him in this life. Cause he didn't need permission did he? Sure they probably dated in what ever past life that was, but he didn't need permission because of that. And that would imply that he wanted Jake romantically.
His heart stopped and he sat up fast, looking down at the boy.
"What? What's wrong?"
"...You have got to be shitting me."
And don't forget. Sunghoon can't explain attraction logically. Especially the type that he never thought he'd feel before. The one that scared him. The one that felt like Jungwon looking at him with dark braids and tan skin, red rocks surrounding them at the airport as he stood next to another person with braids who he knew to be Jake. The completely unnecessary one that blinds you and is a disadvantage to rationality. If you can't explain it, then it's unknown. The unknown is terrifyingly vast and drives knowledge seekers mad with useless definitions and statistics.
"What?"
"Jake." He said, one hand flat on his stomach.
"Yeah?"
But even Sunghoon has a breaking point to being closed off. It's called the other side of the hurricane.
"I'm scared."