Matthew was a tall, broad guy who sat with us when his group was bitching about him being too flamboyantly gay. He had dark brown hair and he was pretty cool but he was also too extroverted for our group.
"Matthew, I need your help..." I whispered to him across the table even though I knew Amari and Jaz were listening.
"What with?" Matthew whispered back as he spooned his ice cream into his mouth.
"Iniko wants to know if he's gay or not." Jaz butted in with a massive grin on her face.
"No!" I screeched, "shut up! You don't know anything, loser!"
Jaz raised an eyebrow and a small blush alighted on my cheeks, "sure, hun."
"Okay, so..." my voice went quieter, "how do I know if I'm...inclined or if someone is just, I don't know, messing with my head?"
Matthew raised an eyebrow, "do you feel sexually attracted to guys?"
"God dammit, Matthew!" I blushed darkly, "don't say that so loud!"
Jaz snorted whilst Amari rolled his eyes.
After Friday night, I hadn't been able to get Greed out of my head, which was stupid because Greed was supposed to remain a stranger and I wasn't supposed to get attached to a stupidly suicidal immortal phantom.
My weekend hadn't been busy. We had watched Amari's basketball game on Saturday, even though I had a slight hangover, before getting milkshakes at Molly's Diner. The rest of the weekend I had spent at home with my earphones in whilst avoiding watching Euphoria.
I had also decided that confusion was really annoying and that I had to do something to figure out whether Greed was a phase or if I was actually gay, which I wasn't. I also hadn't seen Greed since Friday night and I was nervous to ever see him again. I mean what did you say to someone that you made out with when you were tipsy despite firmly telling them whenever you got the chance that you were not gay? Hey, how was your weekend? Also, don't kiss me again because I'm straight.
I was not ready to see Greed again.
"I don't know...not really to other guys..." I murmured shyly as my blush darkened, "but there's I guess...this one person who I...um yeah..."
Matthew nodded, "you could be Pansexual? Maybe even bisexual? Do you find girls attractive?"
"Well...I mean...I did uh...before say this person..." I struggled out. Fuck, I couldn't even admit this shit to myself, let alone anyone else.
Matthew laughed, "are you in love, Iniko?"
I choked on my spit and Amari spat out his drink.
"Oh, fuck no!"
"You better not be in fucking love with who I think you're talking about!" Amari ranted as he wiped his mouth with a napkin.
"Fuck you, Amari! I'm not in fucking love and fuck you for being mad if I was!" I growled, "dumb bitch, you don't know shit."
Amari rolled his eyes, "I'm serious, Iniko."
"And I'm serious too. I'm not in love, that's dumb." I shuddered.
"Iniko, I –
"C-can I kiss you?" I blurted out and it was Matthew's turn to choke on his spit, "but like as friends! Because I'm not gay! But I'm a little...bit confused and I would appreciate it if you could help me out in that way but like I understand if that's weird and you don't want to do that –
"Yeah, but like can we not kiss in front of the whole school cafeteria?" Matthew shrugged.
My jaw dropped, "you're gonna let me kiss you?"
"Yeah, it's no big deal, I have a boyfriend and I'll tell him that you're into someone else. It's not like I like you or you like me." Matthew laughed, "I thought you wanted me to say yes?"
I paused and Amari laughed, "I'm not so sure he did."
Matthew shrugged as he stood up, "whatever. Come to my locker after school if you're up for it or don't. I won't wait long."
Matthew waved us goodbye, "goodbye, darlings."
We all waved back.
I groaned and slid my head on the table. I looked up at Jaz. "I think I'm fucked."
Jaz smiled down at me, "it's okay, hun. Greed's not that bad, I mean –
"No, he is that bad." Amari interjected, "don't encourage him, Jaz."
Jaz glared meaningfully at Amari, "Iniko can like whoever he likes, as long as Greed doesn't hurt him then I'm happy as long as Iniko's happy."
"I don't want to be gay." I said quietly.
"Why?" Amari frowned down at me, "you're not homophobic...so like why?"
"Because then it means that I like him and I don't want to because he's ugh..." I frowned.
I don't want to like Greed because he's going to kill himself and leave me behind. Stupid apparition.
"Yeah, that's right, Niko...Greed is ugh." Amari nodded happily.
"Shut up, dork." Jaz rolled her eyes before patting my arm soothingly. "So, are you going to kiss Matthew?"
"Maybe." I shrugged, "I'm not sure."
I plugged in my earphones and listened to the 1975, wondering if Matty Healy liked someone who he shouldn't have and now everything in his head was fucked because that person wanted to die.
And that person hurts him too, but he likes it, in some fucked up world, he likes it when he grabs him by the throat and he likes the pain but that scares him because he shouldn't like it. Pain should hurt. Pain shouldn't be sensual and now, he's about to kiss another guy because he wants to know for sure that he's not gay...which he isn't.
"Fuck me..." I whispered under my breath.
My hands were shaking when I met Matthew at his locker. He smiled gently at me as he put his books away, "so you decided to do it?"
"Uh...yeah..." I murmured uncomfortably, "but uh don't you think this would be awkward because we're friends?"
Amari and Jaz walked by with small smirks on their faces. They leaned against the lockers across from us, intent on watching.
Matthew shrugged, "you'll be fine, Iniko."
I had kissed a few people in the few years that I had lived on this earth, and Greed, in all my experiences, was a good kisser – in fact he was more than that but it hurt my pride to admit it so I wasn't going to. It was awkward with Matthew. I knew it was going to be as soon as he put a hand on my cheek and leaned in.
This was a dumb idea. This was a dumb idea.
Matthew's lips were soft and slightly chapped and my first initial thought was that he tasted like strawberry Chapstick which I didn't mind. He deepened the kiss and his tongue swiped across my bottom lip for access, which I was reluctant to give.
Matthew tasted like peach ice vape and chocolate, which once again I found myself not minding. But just like Friday night. This kiss felt empty. There wasn't anything nice about it or bad. It lacked feeling. Lacked pain. Lacked everything I liked. But worst of all, it lacked Greed.
When I pulled away, I was frowning and then I glanced back to Amari and Jaz to see them looking down the hall and my heart dropped.
Furious violet eyes glared into mine.
It was like I could feel him towering above me, even though he was so far away. I could feel his nails digging into my neck threateningly, reminding me that the pain was sinister pleasure. He looked tall and strong standing in the hallway. But most of all, Greed looked fucking angry and I felt my heart race with fear.
His fists were clenched tightly and each knuckle turned white as strained veins ran alongside his forearms. I could imagine him slamming me against the lockers, yelling at me to shut up when I would try to explain, punishing me with his bruising grip.
Satanic Angel.
His violet eyes were ablaze and he took one last look at my lips before smirking dangerously. My heart stopped beating and I forgot how to breathe.
Greed's smirk was dark, like he knew what I had been doing, like he thought it was humourous that I was trying to figure out whether I was gay or not when it was obvious – according to him, because I knew I was not gay. And yet at the same time, he was furious like he was Friday night, furious that I would kiss other people and not him, that I would kiss another guy and not him despite yelling at him all the time that I wasn't gay and that I didn't want him to kiss me.
Then he turned around and I watched his strong back as he walked away.
"Fuck!" I hissed.
Amari looked slightly pale before he whispered to Jaz, "I was wrong about something."
"Greed!" I called out but he had already walked down the hall and had disappeared around the corner.
Amari and Jaz looked back at me when it was just us three.
"I'm sorry, but like he's...terrifying." Jaz shivered, "like how did you kiss that and not cry of fear?"
I grimaced, "I never said I wasn't scared of him."
"Iniko..." Amari growled.
"What?" I defended, "Greed's fucking terrifying, okay? And the worst thing is he fucking knows that I did that to check if I was gay or not."
Jaz frowned and tilted her head, "well, are you?"
"Well, I don't think so." I frowned, "I think...I don't know."
"So, that did nothing but piss him off?" Amari deadpanned.
"Well...uh..." I scratched the back of my neck, "it uh seems that way."
When I got home, I was frustrated. My jaw was aching from clenching my teeth and I slammed every single door shut on my way to my room. I was so frustrated. I wanted to talk to Greed. I wanted to yell at him and make him angrier. I wasn't gay, there was just something about Greed that had me entranced.
So, I grabbed my skateboard when it was around 6pm and light was fading fast, and listened to Ultra Violence as I skated along the pathway.
My dad wouldn't be home tonight. Not until 4am or sometime that was too early for me to even think about getting up. I wouldn't be gone for long so by the time he got home, I would be asleep and he wouldn't worry about my skateboard missing.
"He knows your face now, Baby Angel." Greed's violet eyes flashed with anger, "don't ever come looking for me there."
The sky was navy blue when I was standing in front of Greed's house. I was stupid.
Fear is all-consuming. Like icy fingers wrapping around your heart and squeezing tightly. Fear makes you look over your shoulder and shiver. Fear makes you want to run.
My heart roared in my ears as I crossed Greed's lawn, feeling that same emptiness as I did the first time I came here.
Don't ever come looking for me there.
Greed's window screeched lightly as I pulled it up. It was dark inside of his room and I climbed in unsurely, feeling stupid and anxious and so fucking scared.
Greed's bed had grey sheets and it was a large mattress that didn't have a bed frame. He had multiple cupboards and a desk with his laptop and stuff on it. But despite the fact it looked normal, it looked like it could have been anyone's room, it felt so empty and so haunted.
"Greed?" I whispered as I peered into his bathroom. My heart thumped in my chest when I found it empty.
"Greed's not here."
I froze.
My heartbeat roared in my ears and it frightened me. I spun around and paled when I saw Greed's father standing in his door way.
He towered over me. So strong. So much bigger than me. I remembered that he had a gun and a badge. His cold, brown eyes gleamed sadistically as they looked down at me and I felt an uncontrollable shiver crawl down my spine.
I realised now that this was a grave mistake, that coming here was so incredibly stupid. That I was so stupid to think that I could come here. So stupid to ignore Greed's warning. So fucking stupid to step out of the car when he told me to stay.
Fear. Ice cold fear. "Oh fuck."