Chase's POV
Tuesday October 26 – Dawsonville, Georgia
Taking a deep breath, it was actually nice to finally reach the top of this mountain.
Maybe Jimmie was right in saying that a good bike ride cleared the mind, but was it possible to do that? After all, there were so many things to think about.
Everybody kept saying that we were in a good place with regards to the playoffs, over 30 points above the cutoff line. They say just make sure you have a solid day at Martinsville and you'll be fine. However, one lap at Kansas proved to debunk that theory if you ask Martin or Kyle, right?
But I couldn't be bothered to think about that right now. After all, there's nothing that will change by dwelling or thinking of every scenario. Alan and I just needed to go there, do our job, and everything will work out as it's meant to be.
Instead, this was my time to think about other stuff, the type of stuff that kept you up at night, and the type of stuff that made you wonder.
If you would have asked me about Ryan eight months ago, I could have told you a straight ass answer about everything. Things were perfect, we were moving forward at a pace we both enjoyed, and absolutely loved everything about it. Of course, that changed by a decision that he made – that I set in motion by allowing her in his orbit.
I hated myself for allowing it to happen. I hated myself for allowing her to spend time and create a connection. But then as time went by, you realized if they could do that, then maybe it wasn't what you thought it was supposed to be.
I was mad at Ryan, furious and didn't want anything to do with him for a good bit of the summer. It sucked, because there were certainly things that I wish I could've been doing instead of dwelling on everything.
But wrong or right, I knew I couldn't lose the friendship that we had together. After all, that went back to when we were teenagers and so much depth. It's why I slowly let it go, allowed myself to spend time with him, hang out with Ryan. We went to a couple shows together, went golfing together, and chatted at the track.
The friendship is great to have, and something I'm glad we haven't lost. However, there's no way I have forgot about everything that happened. There's no way that I can absolutely forgive him fully, and ever go back to what we had. I'm not about to be played again, or even open that window of opportunity.
Perhaps my bad luck with love is why I've avoided someone else, who maybe means even more than Ryan now. Don't tell me you get screwed over twice in two different ways, and are scared of it happening again.
Alex and I were right on the verge of opening the door. We had confessed our feelings for each other, and he even shared that he wasn't sure how to move forward – never having done this before. I had shared that I was willing to take him down that road – slowly, but do it. We said all the right things, began hanging out....
Then, it was like nothing happened.
As the summer months came, we drew apart. He focused more on his midget and sprint, while I focused on having fun on the water with the buddies. We both got tied up in our separate racing issues and yet never found time despite being at the same track to say hi to each other.
Truthfully, maybe I was purposely avoiding the interaction. Maybe that's why I made sure to sit as far as I could from him in the team meetings. Maybe that's why I kept our text messages brief. Maybe it was that fear coming out of being hurt, again.
Though with each passing week, I found my eyes drawing back towards him, watching him closely. I found myself asking what could be, what could happen next. What have I thrown away by fear? What if there was something truly there I was missing? After all, I couldn't describe what that man did to me at times so maybe it's worth exploring.
Glancing at my phone, a simple text message or phone call would answer those questions. I could ask if he wanted to get together, see if he still had the same feelings, or if my fear had closed a door that I had wished would open for years.