[Warning: Some triggering stuff? I think, there will be talk about suicide and depression, sorry :(]
We have the ultrasound appointment in twenty minutes; you should get ready so we can be there on time. I really can't wait to see the baby," I said with an excited smile.
It was so unreal to me. Today was the day I could see my baby; our baby.
It was kind of weird since we’d only known about Calum's pregnancy for a couple of days, now, and we could already see the baby - not that I was complaining. I was happy that we didn't have to wait pain-staking months until we could finally see him or her anymore.
"Okay, I'm going to take a shower and then we can go," Calum said and got up, but I grabbed his wrist and pulled him back and onto my lap.
"You want to shower? Baby, that would be your third shower for today and we only have two o'clock."
He just looked at me with a sad smile and shrugged, trying to get up again, but I held onto his wrist, keeping him sitting down.
"Michael, let me go," Calum said, sounding a little nervous, "Please."
"Can you please tell me what's wrong?"
"Let me go, please Michael. I'm begging you. Just let go of my hand," he pleaded, desperation beginning to fill his voice. He looked like he was about to cry, so I let go.
Calum turned around and made his way to the bathroom but I stopped him again. Not by pulling him back, but by simply calling his name.
"Calum, can you please tell me what's wrong?” I asked him gently, trying not to scare him away again. “I don't know what's going on with you, you're acting so weird. Why do you take showers like five times a day? Why can't I hold your hand anymore? Please, just talk to me."
He just stood there for a while, not turning around. After a moment of drawn-out silence, he walked back to the couch and sat down next to me, nervously picking at his nails.
"You can tell me anything, princess. I won't be mad. I just want to know what's going on with you."
He sighed, distressed. "It's just -- I don't feel good about myself anymore... You know I never really liked myself, mostly because of my job and just in general. I started to like me a little when you came into my life. I was insecure but from time to time I felt prettier.”
"But, after what happened, I just feel dirty. I feel all the things I felt about myself when I was still a prostitute. I feel disgusting and that's why I take so many showers. No matter how often I wash myself, I still feel dirty and I can't get rid of it," he explained quietly, eyes downcast.
"Why can't I hold your hand anymore? You're so distant with me, and I feel like you're scared of me -- like when I pulled you back a few minutes ago. It kind of hurts, Calum. I would never hurt you."
I could see tears forming in Calum's eyes, "I know, I'm sorry. I never wanted you to feel like I was scared of you," he took a deep breath, voice thick with borderline tears. "I'm sorry. But every time you touch me all the things that happened to me -- they come back, Michael. His grip was so t-tight and I c-couldn't escape. H-He held me s-so close and --", he let out a small, distressed sob, tears now clearly falling down his cheeks.
I didn't know what to do; how to comfort him. Usually I would hug him, but he just told me what happens when I touched him. It was so horrible to see the person you loved break down in front of you when you couldn't do anything about it.
"I just want it to s-stop. I want to be normal; I want to k-kiss you again w-without being s-scared. I'm not scared of you, M-Michael; I'm just s-scared in general. I'm s-sorry, I t-try my best, but I'm just so scared," Calum could hardly talk through the tears, but he pushed on.
"Baby, you really need someone to talk about this," I said with a sigh, aching to reach out and touch him.
"I have y-you." Calum whispered, eyes wide and cheeks tear-stained.
"No, I mean you need a therapist. I can listen to your problems, but I can't help you and you need help, Calum. I really don't mean this in a bad way, I just want you to get better, and you do too, right?"
"Y-Yes, but I don't want to go to therapy. It's s-scary and they always want to know everything. In the end it wouldn't help me anyways."
"But that's just because they want to help you, Calum. Just like you and I, they also just want you to get better. Therapy isn't a bad thing, baby. It's really not that bad," I tried to persuade him gently.
Calum wiped away his tears and looked at me in confusion, "But how do you know that?"
I sighed, scratching at the back of my head almost nervously, "Because I've been there. I went to therapy for quite a while when I was younger and it helped me to deal with my problems. That's why I want you to go, Calum. I know it will help."
"Why did you go to therapy?"
Even though it wasn't the best timing to talk about this, I still felt like I needed to. We may had the appointment in less than ten minutes, but I felt like this was an important topic, and one that couldn’t wait.
"You know how I never talk about my mom, right? Well, when I was younger, she killed herself because of the depression she had. She's had it since she was a teenager. When my dad and her met, he knew about it. He knew it would be hard for her and him to deal with it, but they made it. After they got married, and when I was born, it seemed like the depression had almost vanished. My mom was so happy with her life and her husband and with me; it seemed like everything was perfect.”
"But one day my dad and I came home from a camping trip, and found my mom. S-She hung herself in the garage," I took a deep breath and wiped away the few brewing tears from the corners of my eyes, "I couldn't deal with it. The memories of her haunted me in dreams. It was so horrible. I locked myself into my room for weeks; I didn't eat; I didn't speak. I just cried. My dad decided to send me to therapy because he wanted me to get better. I was just like you, Calum. I didn't want to go. I thought it was stupid and it wouldn't help, but it actually did.”
"Sure, I could never forget the mental pictures; they're practically burned into my brain, but therapy helped me to get better and I could start living my life again, and honestly, I am so thankful that my dad made me do it. It's really not a bad thing," I finished and tried to smile for him, but it was difficult.
It never was an easy thing to talk about, and I was surprised that I was still so calm. I was crying but I wasn't breaking down. Perhaps it was simply Calum’s presence that put me at ease.
Suddenly, Calum wrapped his arms around me and mumbled something into my neck which I couldn't quite understand. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him close, fondly kissing at the top of his head. His presence was a warm, comfort in my arms. We stayed like this for a while and it felt nice to have Calum so close to me again.
He pulled away and looked at me with a small smile, "I love you so much."
"I love you too, princess."
Calum slowly leaned in and then pressed his lips to mine. I cupped his cheek, heated with a gentle flush, and smiled into the kiss. It was a sweet and gentle kiss, which I loved perhaps the most.
"Let's go to the doctors -- we have to see our baby," he said after pulling away and his smile was bigger than ever. It made me happy because I could tell it was a real smile; he was really happy.
"Yeah. Let's see our baby."
✧✧
"Please lay down while I will get some things. I'll be back in a minute," Dr. Sew said with a comforting smile, and shortly left the room.
"Are you excited?" I asked as Calum laid down and made himself comfortable.
"Excitement doesn't even describe the emotions I'm feeling right now. I'm more than just excited," he replied and laughed a little, the noise sending a jolt of sheer joy to my heart. "This is so unreal."
I took his softer hand in mine, squeezing it softly.
"Is this okay?" I asked him. He nodded and I smiled.
Dr. Sew returned a few minutes later, carrying some equipment I didn’t recognise and a few documents. He sat on a chair next to where Calum laid and leaned over him expectantly. When no one moved, he looked up with the hint of a smile and turned to Calum, who was obviously unfamiliar with the procedure.
"Please lift your shirt," he requested as he took out the gel and a wand to rub into Calum’s stomach.
Calum’s eyes widened with panic, cheeks flushed with a tint of pink. His palm was vaguely clammy with sweat, but I didn’t mind, and simply squeezed at his hand comfortingly, leaning down to whisper to him.
"What's wrong?" I asked him gruffly
"M-My scars," he whispered.
"It's okay, baby. I've told you before, they are a part of you but you don't need to be scared or ashamed. No one is going to judge you," I promised him, and he nodded, though still looked a little unsure.
After a moment, he hesitantly lifted his shirt and I pressed a kiss to the back of his hand, which made Calum smile a little, slightly more confident with my comfort.
"Now this is going to be a little cold," The doctor warned said as he applied the gel to Calum’s abdomen. He flinched a little at the cold, but after having it rubbed in for a few moments, seemed to settle into the sensation.
"Okay, now you're going to see your baby for the first time," Dr. Sew said, leaning over to tap a few buttons on his computer so that the picture of the baby would show up.
My smile was so big that it almost hurt, and it seemed like Calum felt the same way. My heart was beating so fast in excitement and adrenaline I was almost certain they could hear it beating through my chest.
Dr. Sew flicked off the lights and put the wand to Calum's stomach, shifting it around a little until he appeared to find the perfect spot. A thumping noise started resonating in the room.
"You can already hear the baby's heartbeat," he informed, focusing on the monitor and my eyes were filled with happy tears.
"Wow," Calum breathed out.
"And there it is," Dr. Sew pointed to the screen, where a little blob was in a sack of something. "See, that's the head and the body, but you can't really see it since it's a little bit early to start forming."
"He really looks like a little pea," I said with a smile.
"She's smaller than a bug," Calum laughed and leaned over him, wiping away his tears.
"I love him already."
"I see, you want a boy?" the doctor asked.
"I don't care what gender the baby will be, really, I just don't want to call her 'it' so I'm using both her and him," I explained and he nodded.
Calum looked at me with a simply joyous expression, eyes were sparkling from with tears and I kissed his hand again, whispering small 'I love yous’, until our eyes were drawn back to the screen where we could see the baby.
"Would you like pictures?" Dr. Sew asked and we both nodded enthusiastically.
"Can we have three?" I asked.
"Of course," he said and pushed a few buttons on the machine. "When you're leaving the office you can pick them up at the desk. Calum, you can clean off the gel now."
The doctor handed Calum a paper towel roll.
"I will now leave you alone. It was nice seeing you two again, good luck and until next time."
We said our goodbyes and he left the room shortly. Calum sat up straight and cleaned off the gel, like the doctor had told him to. I was still holding his hand and looked up at Calum in utter awe.
"I really want the baby to have your nose," he said suddenly, "I love your nose -- it's so cute."
"No, what are you talking about? The baby should have your nose." I disagreed, grinning at him.
"My nose is too big. Yours is adorable."
"That’s why I love it," I said, cutting him off before he could argue once more by leaning down and placing a chaste kiss on the tip of his adorable nose.
After that, we went to grab our pictures from the front desk and walked out of the building, hand in hand with smiles on our faces and a hopefully happy baby in Calum's tummy.
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I stole the ultrasound scene a little from @michaeltattoos book 'baby on board' because I had trouble writing it with my own words, thanks for the permission baby! And thank you to Ella aka @asdfghjklellaa for editing the chapter, I love you both!
So you finally know what happened to Michael's mom :(
I think this was a great chapter even though it really was sad... what do you think?
Also I put 'smaller than a bug' in it, I had to :D
୨୧ See you next chapter! ୨୧