If Freckles Don't Mean Anything,
Does Anything Mean Anything?
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"Albus," Kiara moans softly. "Thank god, Albus. My head . . ."
And then she freezes. There was literally no other sound at all but her voice. It was an empty vacuum, she's certain of it. . . . Yet, even as she thinks this, she suddenly hears songbirds singing. A happy creek babbles nearby. Albus's foot snaps a twig by her side.
Still. Everything feels strange.
Strange, and distant.
Wind rustles the leaves of the oak above her, but the noise it makes seems to come a half-second later. Large shafts of sunlight stake down into the clearing. It's an uncomfortably hot day. Kiara moves to sit up, to look at Albus, but blood rushes up to her head and tinges the edges of her vision with blackness.
"I cannot move," she says. "You will have to carry me."
Then there he is. His face pops up above hers, but he's obscured from the sunlight around them. Her vision is too blurry to make out the details that she's committed to memory by complete accident; dark green eyes, framed by long eyelashes; a single, deep dimple in his cheek when he grins at her; a curious expression, laced with a seriousness she doesn't know the origin of, but would like to figure it out.
All she can see now is that he wears bright purple clothing, with stars that twinkle across the fabric. Regardless of the fact that Albus would never wear something so loud, it doesn't strike her as peculiar.
She is just so happy to see him.
Albus grabs her bare thigh and presses his grip deep into her muscle until she gasps. She feels as though she is being tenderized like a piece of meat. His other hand does the same to her abdomen. Her stomach is going to pop. She stares blindly straight up. The sunlight is overwhelming.
"Stop," she whispers. He does. "What are you doing?"
Albus moves his hand to her neck, and presses gently. She stiffens. He says, "This is what you want, Kiara. I don't want to kill you. You are making me help you. To disappear. . . . Kiara. Why would I want you to disappear? So the more relaxed you are, the easier this is on both of us."
Kiara can't speak. Suddenly she can feel her arm, and blood rushes to her hand. A sharp, painful tingle races down her veins, and Albus laughs with childlike innocence, as though he's responsible for her suffering but isn't able to realize it comes from him. The pain is like a thousand needles pricking into her skin. Fear spikes her adrenaline. She can almost sit up. With her hand, now free, she secretly searches the ground for something to defend herself with.
"I don't understand where we are."
"These woods have gotten much deeper and much darker, Kiara. Did you think you could just take a casual stroll through the forest? No. You wanted to be lost. Now, you are."
His body leans over her, casting a shadow. She feels cold within it. She's never felt cold around Albus before. It's as though she's lost something now, and it makes her want to cry. Albus makes her feel trapped. The emotions that she was developing for him all-at-once feel suffocating.
"Do you know what these flowers are?"
He holds one up in front of her eyes. She tries to make it out with her weirdly distorted vision, but can't. If they are the same flowers that have been following her, then they are tiny, dainty, and white. They puff up and dispel a fine powder, and when she inhales it she gets very sleepy and sick.
"Are they poisonous?"
"Highly intoxicating, very hallucinogenic. It can cause mild paralysis in large doses. Go ahead, Kiara. Tell the flowers to let you go, and they will. Or . . . you can stay here. You'll disappear. Just like you want. And you won't feel a thing. Isn't that what you came out here for? To not feel a thing? For me? For anyone?"
His hand tightens harder around her throat until she begins to choke. Her heart feels hollow as Albus frames these words between pink lips. A hollowness that's emphasized only by how full she's felt it has been recently.
"Let me go," she tells the flowers. "Let me go!"
Her vision darkens behind her eyelids. The sunlight disappears. In fact, it is the dead of night. There are no songbirds, no babbling creek. Crickets chirp. Frogs sing. A stream trickles nearby. Kiara's eyes snap open, and she tightens her grasp around a rock and swings wildly at Albus.
But there's no one here.
She is still completely alone, save for a startled rabbit that was chewing on the flowers' stems that were binding her arm to the forest floor. The rabbit takes off, no longer interested in freeing her from the growing vines.
Her heart is pounding. Kiara grabs a chunk of her skin and twists hard, wincing as pain erupts across her arm. She smacks her cheek with her open palm repeatedly until tears sprout at the corners of her eyes. Angrily, she wipes them away.
"You are awake now. Pull yourself together," she scolds herself.
She looks down at her body. Although tattered, she still has clothes. The little white flowers seem almost to glow in the dark. Kiara watches several puff out their petals and dispel the powdery clouds that, before her fever dream, she thought nothing of. She blows a thin trail of cool breath over them to dissipate the poison. Hundreds of needle thin stems twist together, black in the dark, and sweeping across her body in thick, engorged veins. When she had passed out earlier, they must have grown quickly across her.
Kiara takes a fistful and tears them away. Again, and again, and again, until at last her other arm is free and she can sit up. She works on her legs now, staring out through the night with adrenaline amplifying her hearing.
In the distance, about a thousand yards from where she sits, Kiara sees an abnormal, nearly blinding luminosity. It flickers in and out of the trees as though alive, and it casts light across her skin in slices. She can see the forest floor enough to find a large, heavy stick, and she wields it like a baseball bat tight in her trembling fists.
Stars twinkle across her vision as she stands, and she knows she is close to death simply from exhaustion. But she will fight until her dying breath, and she will do everything she can to leave this forest, go home, and tell her family that she loves them.
As Kiara approaches the light, she sees she's made a trail of the white flowers through the forest. Even now they seem to reach out to her. It's as though they can smell her blood. She hides behind the large tree trunks, taking care not to stumble over roots. Whatever has been following her wake can be dangerous. If she fumbles now, it may be the end.
They meet soon, as the light in the forest moves as quickly as she moves cautiously. Kiara stops, listening for how the twigs snap underfoot. One sounds beast-like. The other, heavy, awkward, and of a man.
She slows her breathing and waits.
When leaves crunch right at the tree she hides behind, Kiara spins around and lifts her heavy stick. She swings it down recklessly, shouting bravely into the night.
"Whoa, whoa! Holy shit!" someone shouts, throwing themselves back as they dodge her hit.
She swings the stick again, with everything she has. They grab her wrist and twist, and the stick falls limply from her hand.
"Hey!" they shout at her as she throws her empty fist across their shoulder. "Knock it off!"
They pin her against the tree, hands above her head, and shoulders crushed against the bark. Distantly, she can hear them repeating her name over and over.
She blinks through the light, squinting at the tall silhouette outlined in front of her.
This is Albus.
Kiara doesn't know what to say. Relief overwhelms her and robs her of her voice. With nothing else to show her ecstasy, she slumps her body until he lets her go and then she launches herself against him in a tight embrace. Albus catches her around her bare waist, then immediately moves his hands up to her shoulders. She isn't alone anymore. Kiara clutches onto him and unleashes everything.
"Please tell me you are real," she exclaims desperately, overjoyed, exploring his warm body for all the things she's familiar of. She pulls his black sweater up and traces her fingers around the fireworks burn, certain no monster or Boggart or nightmare could replicate it. Then she pats her hands across his face until he begins to chuckle. "Oh, my god, Albus, please tell me you are real. Please say all of this is real. I do not want to lose you. Tell me you are real. Tell me all of this is real. Quickly! Quickly!"
His long fingers stroke her hair and he presses his jaw across her temple. She can feel it trembling against her skull, and it rattles her thoughts. Although he doesn't let on, Albus is terrified.
"It's all real, Kiara. It's real. I'm real."
Kiara pulls back and tucks her shaking hands underneath her chin.
"Where is that light coming from?"
He steps aside, and the luminescence shines directly on her. Her eyes widen in shock. If she thought the wispy incorporeal that floated from Albus's wand all that time ago was beautiful, this is downright indescribable.
"It's coming from me. Can you believe it, Kiara?"
Albus has a wide, goofy grin that cuts across his face. Despite the circumstances, he's clearly very excited. It makes Kiara's heart beat faster and her stomach does flips.
"Your . . . Patronus?"
"Yeah!"
"How did you find it?"
The cold, harsh light makes it hard to tell, but she thinks the boy is blushing. His Patronus is a Thestral, and with its wings close to its skeletal body it looks curiously upon her. She had no idea Albus can see them, too. It makes her feel less alone in this desolate, empty world where the sun may as well already be dead and gone.
"I thought of something very lovely," he says. "And it just happened."
He shrugs off his black jacket and wraps it around Kiara. This whole time he's taken great care not to linger on her exposed skin—even when she had embraced him. The thought now makes her smile, and she snuggles deep within his jacket and breathes in the comfortable scent of his warmth.
"Come on, Kiara. Let's go."
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"I am still here," she assures him, when she catches him looking surreptitiously back at her for the millionth time.
"Sorry," Albus mumbles.
Kiara makes quick strides to walk beside him, and clasps her hand around his pinky finger. When she looks sidelong at Albus, she sees him swallow. But he keeps his eyes straight and his expression blank.
"I do not want to go back," she tells him honestly. "I want to disappear."
He stops walking, and faces her. His jaw clenches and his lips press into a thin line.
"Come on, Kiara. You need to get rest."
"Please, Albus. I do not want to go back to the school right now."
"We can't just sleep out here."
"Then you go. I will stay."
"Kiara, for fuck's sake."
He pulls away from her abruptly and buries his face in his hands, then slides them up and slicks back his hair. His eyes are squeezed shut. When he opens them again, she realizes how exhausted he looks. Dark circles frame his eyes. His cheeks are sallowed, and his posture isn't as imposing as usual.
"How did you find me, Albus?"
"The flowers. They grew in a weird pattern, like a person stumbling idiotically through the forest," he emphasizes, with an eyebrow raised and a twinkle in his eyes. "Well, I figured something so strange would lead me straight to you. I guess I was right, although you found me first."
"I saw your light. It was very peculiar."
"The forest is full of the strange and the peculiar."
"Curiosity attracts curiosity," Kiara offers.
He holds her gaze then looks away, hiding a small grin. Kiara looks to his Thestral again. She has been watching these creatures since she first came to Hogwarts, fascinated by their existence. It was a long time before she learned why she can see them while others cannot. Although a rather beautiful reminder that life is fragile, it was still very alienating to be one of the few at Hogwarts who understood.
"What's everything that's happened? Are you OK? Are you hurt anywhere?"
"I rolled my ankle, but it is not difficult to walk on. A few scratches here and there."
Albus nods, then begins to walk through the woods. When they can see the light outside the groundskeeper's hut, he turns to his Patronus and waves his fingers. The Thestral rears its head back and disappears into thousands of dust particles that get taken away with the breeze.
Albus collapses. Kiara shouts, gathering his head into her lap and brushing back his hair. He groans, mumbling something incoherent.
Then he begins to laugh.
"I'm so tired," he murmurs. "Don't worry. I think maybe casting my Patronus that long has drained me. Please. Will you come back to the school with me?"
"OK," she finally allows. "Fine. For you." She touches his chest gently, trailing her fingertips across like a silent xylophone. "How are your ribs?"
"Medium-rare," he jokes.
Kiara clicks her tongue and furrows her brows together. "You are ridiculously dorky."
They stand shakily together. Kiara encourages him to lean against her, but she finds that she slopes into him, as well. With opposite forces keeping them up, they walk slowly across the grounds toward the dark castle. As they come up to the entrance hall doors, Kiara turns back and looks to the forest. She had felt something watching her.
"Look, Albus," she says, pointing at the Thestrals that stare at them within the light of Hagrid's hut. "They have been my favorite thing about the magic realm. They make me feel alive. And they are a reminder to appreciate every moment I can. I suppose that is why I followed them into the forest. I have been having trouble remembering recently why I am thankful to be flesh and blood."
He looks out, following her finger. "That's really sweet. What do you see out there? What is it?"
"Thestrals. Albus . . . Can you not see them?"
"No," he tells her. "I can't."
She parts her lips, confused. "But your Patronus . . ."
"My Patronus is a Thestral because you find them beautiful," he says softly. "Don't you understand what I'm really saying, Kiara?"
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"What are you going to do now?"
"What do you mean?"
Kiara and Albus had finished their walk to the Ravenclaw common room in a full silence, brimming with things they wanted to say but didn't know how. Luckily, Albus answered the riddle password about a mailbox, and Kiara didn't have to think.
Now they sit on separate chairs, letting the fire warm their cold bones as Kiara nurses a glass of water and a small piece of chocolate.
"Forgive me for saying this, but you've been losing yourself. You're skipping classes; you're not sleeping, not eating . . . You're practically sleepwalking into the Forbidden Forest. You're hearing things that aren't there. You've been speaking French on and off for days—it's why no one has been able to understand you."
"But you responded to everything."
"I've been learning French for a long time."
Kiara recalls a young Albus Potter in Diagon Alley, saying tentative beginner phrases to the flustered young Kiara. S'il vous plaît, simple greetings, and other easy phrases. But she hadn't realized he'd gone forward and become fluent with the language. He'd never mentioned a thing about it.
"Why?"
He shrugs. "It started as something new to learn."
"And then?"
Albus blushes. "I don't know. It's a beautiful language. And there was this girl, I guess, um, that I thought I could communicate with. And help her fit in." He glances sheepishly at her. "But she, uh, ended up learning English much faster than I could learn French. So she never needed me, and I kept my distance."
"You never spoke to me at all after Diagon Alley. And you did not recognize me in the Great Hall, around the holidays."
His blush turns a deeper red. "You're very quiet, Kiara. And I never got your name. And you look, um . . . different now. Much different than when I first met you."
She blinks at him. "Hm. Because now you find me pretty."
"You're embarrassing me," he groans, hiding his face in his hands. He opens his fingers and peeks one eye up at her. "Please change the subject."
"I would not like to change the subject. How do I know for sure that you speak and understand French?"
"Don't you trust me?"
Kiara thinks back to her fever dream that she had, not even two hours ago, of Albus. Although she's certain she can, she looks away.
"Seriously, though. What are you going to do now?"
"OK. Now I would like to change the subject."
"No, Kiara."
"Yes, Albus. We can talk about . . . thestrals."
"No."
"Albus, I do not—"
"You have to think about this," he interrupts her. "Don't you realize the gravity of your situation? Look, you don't owe me anything, and you don't need to tell me your plans. But it's something I think you really need to take time with. Whatever it is you're doing now, if you keep going on like it forever you're going to die. Do you hear me? You will die. And it'll be accidental, and it'll be tragic."
She stares at him.
"A bright light like you doesn't deserve to be snuffed out like that," he says.
She remains silent, mulling his words around. Albus stands up from the armchair and says, "I really ought to go back to the dungeons, now. You need to go up to your bed and get some real sleep."
"Stay with me. We can rest here, on this couch. Please. I . . ." She forces the words out: "I do not want to be alone tonight."
Albus gives her a long, patient look, then nods. "OK. But I think I should sleep on the floor. I wouldn't want anyone getting the wrong idea about you."
"I do not care what others think of me."
"It's been a long couple of days, Kiara. You just need to sleep and get a clear head."
Albus sits down on the plush, royal blue rug and pushes his back against the couch, then leans his head on the inside of his arm. Almost instantly his eyelashes flutter together. Kiara crawls up the cushions and rests her head down next to his. She turns and dangles her arm over the side until her hand touches his chest. Silently, Albus crosses his arm across his ribcage and takes her fingers gently within his. His thumb glides back and forth across her knuckles, drifting in and out of the swells.
"Is Scorpius awake?"
He nods, his eyes still closed. "We were so worried about you. Cory and Rose were there, too. They wanted to help find you, but Cory had to be rushed back to the infirmary."
"It frightened me, when he would not wake up."
"I know. I'm so sorry."
Kiara waits until she hears Albus's breath even out. The fireplace crackles in the background, slowly lulling her into a dreamlike state. In this half-conscious world, she begins to speak before she thinks about it.
"I am going to go back home to Belgium," she whispers into the firelight. She's certain Albus has fallen asleep already, as he does not respond. She continues: "I am not going to finish my last year at Hogwarts. Perhaps closer to home, at Beauxbatons. I think I need to reconcile with my family. Being in the forest, thinking I had met my end, has changed me. I was alone, and scared. Now I feel the hole in my heart that I have ignored for years. And I want a chance for it to heal completely."
"Yes," Albus says, but it doesn't startle her. "I think that's a grand idea."
"I am going to miss you terribly."
He squeezes her hand. His pure heart beats steady and true. Albus Potter belongs to all. He is the most fearless, most ingenious, most genuine, and most curious. His Patronous speaks volumes of who he is.
"Je te laisserai des mots," he tells her, his French vowels soft and sweet, "en-dessous de les étoiles. For you, Kiara LeClerc. The light in you found the light in me."
Her heart feels full, and she knows she'll remember her last year at Hogwarts fondly. Behind her eyelids she can see Scorpius Malfoy—her constellation in the sky that has struck her curiosity. She sees Rose Granger-Weasley—the solid earth upon which she stands. She sees herself. For the first time in her current state of memory, she finds herself beautiful—but she's not sure how to describe it. Instead of learning everything she can about others, she wants to know more about herself.
And the wonderful part of her indescribable beauty, is it only makes her more and more curious.
Kiara pictures all the stars on the ceiling of the Great Hall. She thinks about the way they twinkle and shine, whispering their glittery stories and sharing their centuries-old secrets. She believes the sun's luminosity has entirely been outdone. But not by a star in a distant galaxy far, far away. Right here. With the people she's begun to love, and the connections between each that she's been able to draw.
Albus's fingers twitch as he dreams. She gazes upon him with all the affection and wonder that she would upon the night sky. She begins to number the stars behind her closed eyelids.
Kiara slowly counts to four, and finally drifts into a peaceful sleep.
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[10.28.2021] - There's actually gonna be an epilogue, yeet skeet.
Thanks for sticking around all this time.
<3