I was practicing a new spell. That particular spell was harder than those I had learnt before. I wanted to learn a new spell each day but Howl didn’t let me. The spells were getting harder as I learned more, and some spells even took me a few days to master. I would try to get Howl to listen to me and let me practice during the nights as well so that I could learn them in a comparatively shorter span of time, maybe a day or two instead of sometimes four or sometimes five days. But howl would never let me practice after dark. He said I needed proper sleep and food in order to maintain my health and become better. According to him, “Just learning won’t do you any good, unless you take care of your mind and body.”
I would always groan and whine and complain but he wouldn’t let me. And then his voice would get deeper and he’d just say a simple “Y/N, I said go eat and sleep,” and I’d be inside. I never understood how or why that deep, commanding voice of his had an effect on me, but each time he spoke in his deep voice, I’d immediately oblige and do whatever he wanted me to do. I tried figuring out why his voice made me do anything he wanted and listen to everything he said, but to no avail. I tried not listening to that deep voice of his once, and that was the biggest mistake I had made in my life. I had seen a very dominant and intimidating side of Howl that day. Usually, howl would smile and be gentle and talk in a very soft voice, but that day when I didn’t listen to him and he found me arguing with him and not obeying what he had told me to do, I had met with a very different side of Howl. He hadn’t used magic, nor had he shouted at me, but instead there was a burning anger in his eyes. He hadn’t even yelled, but his voice had gotten even deeper and huskier. I could practically see the burning fire of anger in his usually soft, blue eyes, and when he spoke to me I felt shivers run down my spine. He had uttered only three words –“Y/N.GO.INSIDE”- and I was already intimidated and obliged to what he had told me to do. It wasn’t that I was scared, in fact it was quite the opposite, but somehow his voice always managed to affect me.
I was struggling a little with the spell that day. I tried to do it right but I knew it would require more practice and hard work. It was already evening and I still hadn’t managed to get the spell even one bit right. I remembered Howl telling me that this spell might take a few days to learn. Speaking of Howl, I remembered he hadn’t talked to me all day, except for a few things here and there. I turned around to go to him. I was kind of worried. Howl would talk to me all day, not too much though, but he always kept me good company. No wonder I was feeling lonely that day; Howl hadn’t talked to me.
I made my way towards the castle and saw Howl sitting close by at his usual spot, from where he’d talk to me all day and tell me what I was doing wrong or praise me when I did something good with my magic. But he had been unusually quiet that day. I approached him and spoke his name but he was so lost in his thoughts he didn’t even notice me standing there. He replied after a minute. I asked him if he was okay or not. He said he was, but I was still concerned. He kept zoning out when I talked to him, and he didn’t give me his usual smile nor did he talk as much. He just spoke a few words here and there. I tried to get him to talk but his mind was somewhere far off from me and my ranting. I even checked him for a fever but he seemed fine. He didn’t appear to be sick or anything, nor did he look tired. In fact if anyone who didn’t know him well enough wouldn’t even think that he wasn’t okay. Hi face appeared fine, he didn’t look tired or sick, but there was something else; something I couldn’t put my finger on. The fact that Howl was zoning out -and had zoned out all day, talking the least bit- alone was enough to tell me that something was wrong with him.
But he wouldn’t tell me what it was and just kept on insisting that he was fine. I mean of course he was fine, he looked fine, but there was something going on inside that wizard brain of his, which I of course I didn’t know since Howl wasn’t exactly an open person about lots of his thoughts. If I hadn’t asked him to teach me, we wouldn’t even have been friends. He had always seemed distant from me, but since the day he became my master, he started talking more with me and caring for me. That is how I had found the truth of Calcifer’s words.
Howl really wasn’t a bad person. He was actually a very easy going and fun person, and being around him made me feel safe and at ease. The day I had ran after my grandfather had died, I had felt unsafe and vulnerable, but now living with Howl and his small but kind family, made me feel safe. I had thought there was no place for me and that I couldn’t feel safe anymore after the deaths of my family members, but Howl had taken me in and he made me feel safe. And without even realizing, I found myself caring deeply for him. I wasn’t sure what his thoughts about me were, but I had started seeing him as my friend. It felt a little odd at first, but soon it was as if I had know him my whole life and I was so good at making friends.
After a few moments, he assured me he was really doing fine but his next words were the most unexpected. He said he wanted to talk to me. I was quite confused since I was talking to him, and the way he spoke those words suddenly made me very nervous, though I didn’t understand why. I was confused, so I asked him what he wanted to talk about, but he said he’d tell me later and told me to be in his room after an hour. I gulped. Had I done something wrong? Had I offended him in some way? Was he going to tell me not to stay at his home anymore? Was I being too big of a burden? These and countless similar questions ran through my mind as I thought of something I had done wrong. He got up and started to leave so I sprinted after him and asked him again, but he just told me to be in his room in an hour, and without sparing me a glance, he turned and left. I stood there dumbfounded. This wasn’t Howl, he never acted this way. He would always smile and talk and look me in the eyes, but he didn’t do any of those things. A part of me was hurt that he had acted that way all day, and when I had thought we were finally becoming friends. But was he fed up of me? Did he not want to teach me anymore? Was he tired of me living in his house?
I sighed and closed my eyes, as I willed these thoughts to go away and made my way into the castle slowly. I saw Calcifer alone in there. Where was Markl? I came closer to the fire. “Cal, where’s Markl?” I asked him. “He went in his room a few minutes ago,” he told me quietly. I nodded. I was about to ask him about Howl, but I remained quiet. I took a bath and got into some comfortable clothes. After that, I and Markl had dinner. He asked me about my progress. I told him a lot. He was a little sad that he couldn’t get to do complex spells like me and Howl, since he was still very young for that, but he was happy for me nonetheless. I smiled a little as I tried to ease the forming knot inside the pit of my stomach. I would have to go to Howl’s room in just a few minutes.
I did the dishes after we were done eating. I went to sit on the couch. “I’m going to sleep. Night both of you,” Markl came in his night gown and told us. I nodded and smiled at him. “Good night, Markl,” I told him softly. After he had left, I sighed heavily. “Y/N?” Calcifer asked me after a moment. I hummed in response. “Did something happen between you and Howl?” he asked me softly. “Did Howl say something?” I asked him, looking at the wall blankly. “Well, that’s the thing, he didn’t say anything,” he told me. I nodded, still looking at the wall. “So, did something happen?” he repeated his question again. I wasn’t sure how to answer him. I wasn’t sure if something had happened between us or not.
“I don’t know,” I told the fire demon that was now boring holes in my face. “You were with him last, right, did he say something?” he asked me. “He only told me to be in his room after an hour and that he wanted to talk to me,” I told Calcifer, as I continued looking at the wall. “What? He asked you that?” he asked with shock evident in his voice. I turned my head to face him and nodded. “What’s so bad about that?” I asked him. “Oh, not bad, but Howl usually doesn’t let anyone step into his room,” he told me in a casual tone. My mouth formed an ‘o’ and then silence enveloped us, as I turned my head to the wall again. “So, what do you think is it that he wants to talk to me about?” I asked the fire blankly. “I don’t know, it could be anything,” he replied without a care in the world. I sighed and then I stood up. “I’ll be going on now,” I let him know. “Okay, good luck,” he told me and I made my way up the stairs slowly. I gulped once I was in front of his door. I lifted my hand and hesitantly knocked.
A moment later, Howl speared on his door, and let me in. He gestured for me to sit on the bed and I obliged. His bed was the most comfortable thing I had ever touched or sat on, and I had a sudden urge to kick Howl out of the room and sleep on his bed instead of him. But my attention on his bed, or my intention of sleeping on the softest bed in the whole world didn’t last long. My attention was soon caught by the rest of his room. His room was by far the most extraordinary room I had ever seen. The bed was in the centre of the room, pushed to wall, and all around his room different trinkets and colorful objects were placed. Many of these hung from the ceiling of the room, and most of these little objects shined as light fell on them. There were a few mini plushies on his bed. There wasn’t much empty space in the room to move around, but it was enough to walk around the bed and to the door easily. His room was cozy, even though the excess of the colorful things and trinkets was quite unusual.
I smiled a little on the inside as I thought about Howl and his room, but it didn’t last long as I came back to reality when Howl apologized for the state of his room and moved to sit a little beside me on the soft bed. I asked him if everything was alright, but instead of giving me a straight reply, he told me to decide it later myself. I proposed for us to talk some other time, but seeing the expression on his face and his sudden change in voice was enough to tell me that whatever it was he wanted to talk about couldn’t wait any longer. He then asked me to tell him everything he was about to ask me honestly. But it seemed more of a command than a question. He asked me once again, and even though I was unsure, I nodded. After all, it was all I could do. He asked me to tell him who he was. I told him he was Howl, but he repeated the question again and then I realized what he really meant. I told him what and how I knew him and after that, he kept asking me every single thing related to him, grandfather and me, and I kept replying to every question. But when I got to the part of his death, I couldn’t stop my tears from flowing and I cried. I didn’t want howl to see me as a weak, pathetic girl, but I cried in front of Howl. I didn’t want to, but it seemed as if my tears weren’t on my side. And then before I even knew what was happening, Howl had me tight in his embrace, as caressed my back and hair. I sobbed badly in his embrace. After my sobs died, down, I told him the last part -the part of his death. I couldn’t control my tears yet again. But Howl held me and assured me that I was safe with him. I felt a little better as he spoke. His soft voice was calming, and so was his delicate touch, which sent warmth all around my body. I felt safe in his arms. But soon the most important question rose in my mind.
And I finally asked him who he meant to my grandfather.