Breathing. One of the only things that comes free to you unless you have a pair of lungs that require you to pay for them to work properly. Breathing. An art form if you think about, breathing requires effort and it makes something beautiful. Life.
Sunghoon wonders what that last breath was like for him. Did he enjoy it? Was he scared? Or was he calm knowing that everything was about to be over and he wouldn't have to deal with the beauty of life anymore. The horrid yet exciting beauty that came with every heartbeat.
He hates that he couldn't have been there when it happened. He hates that he was alone with no one to comfort him. No one to hold him.
What the worst thing is, is that he never got to tell him how he was the only person that ever made him feel. Feel like he was on top of the clouds and painted in rainbows, even if it hadn't been the exact feeling the other wanted. The other wanted for Sunghoon to love the kisses he gave to him in the short two weeks of them sharing such things. He wanted him to like him back. But instead, he felt like they were brothers.
The last thing Jungwon thought of before he died was how beautiful Sunghoon looked in his red and black figure skating costume the day he sprained his ankle as he sat behind the counter at his work.
He hadn't realized how much he was infatuated with him until his brain glazed over and he could no longer process what life was anymore. He was gentle. He was smart. He was sensitive. And he never got to get him to fully open up to him. He was so close too.
And that was Sunghoon's fault. It was his own stupid brain's fault for not letting himself get close. Yes, they were close. He had never felt so close to someone before as he did with Jungwon, even if they had only been friends for a short while. But not fully close. He could never do that. He knew that now.
Jungwon made him feel colorful. His words of reassurance when he explained how he felt trapped by his life were pink and red. And his palm touching his by the stream in his back yard was orange. Yellow was how he sat on his kitchen floor at two in the morning eating gummy bears discussing whether or not love was just a chemical your brain produced to trick you into continuing the human population. Green was buying him his favorite coffee after he hurt his ankle because he could tell he was stressed. And he felt blue all over when he told him he shouldn't be so scared to touch because touch was healing. And he was purple when he kissed the side of his neck the day before he left.
Purple was Sunghoon's favorite color. He didn't like Jungwon like that, he was even more sure than he was before. But when he had missed two days of sleeping wondering whether or not he should go to Shanghai with the three boys he barely knew he couldn't think about that.
He couldn't think about how Jungwon was just a friend and nothing more. He could only think about how tired he felt and how he wished he could just forget everything.
"Won I don't like you like that." He said, heartbeat thudding against his throat.
Jungwon hadn't even looked surprised. He looked calm instead. His eyes were gentle and he took Sunghoon's hand, making the familiar feeling of warmth spread to him. He hated to admit it, but Jungwon made him feel more open to touch, he was even starting to enjoy it... if it came from him at least.
"I know you don't." He said, lips molding soft words.
"Then why..."
"Cause you need someone to love you. And if I'm not the one to do it then I can at least warm you up so you won't be as scared."
Sunghoon had never felt so much before. He'd never heard something so special before. And it was directed at him. He felt needed. He felt important. He felt safe.
Jungwon liked him. But Jungwon was okay with the fact that he didn't like him back, and was simply okay with passing him onto someone else if that's what he wanted. Jungwon was unconditional in friendship. He didn't put himself first as most people did. He just loved.
"I love you Sunghoon. I know I've only known you for maybe two months. But I do. And I'm telling you that because you need to hear it... I don't think many people have actually told you that before which is a shame."
Sunghoon didn't know how to deal with so many feelings right then. He didn't at all. He felt purple.
Lilacs draped across his hands as he dropped his mind on a shelf to come back to it later and then he reached forward and held Jungwon's face that framed his caring eyes.
He didn't know why. But he swore he saw someone that wasn't Jungwon. He was tan and native American. Hair long and braided. It was like the world froze and they weren't in Korea anymore. It was like the walls of the boy he held so closely were red and orange rocks that he recognized as Arizona. It was like he was living a completely different life suddenly.
Then deeply colored orchids irrupted in his chest as he kissed his lips. It felt like soft wind was swirling around them as Jungwon lightly held his arms.
They kissed for an eternity. And it was okay because Sunghoon still didn't feel like himself. He felt like a different person. A female maybe, one with dark braids that matched the boy he thought he saw in Jungwon. It felt right to kiss him when he was her. Like it was okay then.
But when Jungwon's lips left his neck after gently leaving kisses on in it to let Sunghoon knew he was okay, he felt like himself again. Not like whoever that girl was. Like Jungwon was just a friend.
"I'll love you in the next life, okay? It's someone else's turn now."
Sunghoon had choked on his own breath and let his mouth fall open. Jungwon still seemed like he had dark braids.
"Wha- what are you-"
"You saw it too didn't you? The red rocks?"
Sunghoon had nodded in confusion and rubbed the skin on Jungwons palm without even realizing it, to Intrapped on what was happening to worry about the vulnerability of hand-holding.
"Yes."
"Me too."
He went to bed that night and dreamed of skating on purple ice decorated with stars. He felt okay for once. He didn't feel scared that he'd never be able to leave himself or that he'd always be alone. He felt alright.
But when he woke in the morning something was off. His vision wasn't purple anymore. It was dripping in black. He had to leave for Shanghai soon but his hands didn't seem to work properly. Something felt wrong inside him. Something wasn't right.
Jungwon had told him a few times that he used to have a drug problem. And that's the reason why he dropped out of high school. But he never expected him to relapse a few hours after he left his house. And he didn't expect it to be the one time the boy would do just a little too much.
He didn't think Jungwon would die the night before he was going to leave and travel the world which he had been wanting to do nearly his whole life.
He didn't want to go anymore. He wanted to stay in Seoul with Jungwon. He wanted to stay in Seoul and attend the funeral. He wanted to be purple again.
But Soobin pushed him to go. Soobin said he couldn't let it stop him from doing the thing he wanted most. He said that if you want something, then you take it. And that you don't let your fears stop you from being happy. He wonders how he knew that. He wanted to understand things like that so easily. It's not like Jungwon's brother had enough for a funeral anyways, and it's not like his parents were around. So it's okay. Too be honest everyone related to him just seemed silent on the fact that he died. Which made Sunghoon feel guilty for some reason.
But it felt like the end of the world when he stepped foot in the airport, only a singular bag on his back, dressed in all black with puffing swollen eyes. Nothing was purple anymore. Nothing was colorful, and nothing was safe. Jungwon was safe. But jungwon was gone. He no longer had someone he trusted to make him not feel lonely or stressed and tied up in the world of his thoughts. He was just Sunghoon again.
"Have you been crying?"
Sunghoon instantly denied and looked towards his feet as Jay and Heeseung stared at him in the bust airport, also only with one bag each.
He missed him.
"Really cause it looks like-"
He then broke down. He hadn't actually cried cried yet. He'd cried a little, but had sucked the tears back up every time. His eyes were only red and puffy because of the amount of rubbing he had done with his hands to get himself to not break down.
His face was still downturned but his shoulders shook and he was losing grip of the phone in his hand quickly, making Jay jump and grab it for him. And Heeseung's round eyes met his from a slightly crouched position.
Jungwon was gone. That's all he could think about. Gone so suddenly.
"Hey- hey- what's wrong?"
"Nothing. Nothing I just-"
Sunghoon's hands trailed up to his neck and pulled at the back of his hair. He gasped through tears and shook his head back in fourth. He felt like all those times over the past months, maybe even a year, of him not letting himself cry were coming forward. And he hated how it was happening in the middle of a public area.
He wanted Jungwon.
He didn't want Heeseung or Jay, or Jake (where ever he was off too), he wanted his friend who worked at a gas station and had a silver ring wrapped around his nose. He wanted his warmth, cause he felt cold, impossibly cold.
"Okay, so I got a monster, sprite, and a coffee- what's wrong? Why are you crying?"
Jake's presence felt too strong. Everyone's did. Sunghoon felt weak and afraid. He felt too vulnerable.
"Arizona. We- need- we need to go." He said breathlessly.
"Hun we are going. Is that what this is about?." Jake responded.
Jake sounded green. It blared in his head like an alarm. He knew a hand was on the bag reassuringly like he had taken note that Sunghoon didn't want to be touched by him but still wanted to show him comfort.
When he looked up three pairs of worried eyes met him. But all he could see was one girl dressed in white robes with wavy blonde hair, another girl with darker skin and African features, and then a small petite Asian girl with pearl white skin touching his bag. Then he blinked and it was gone. It was just three boys that lived on a bus looking at him.
But he was too sad to question it.
"My friend from the gas station died last night." He whispered.
"What? Are you serious?"
"Yea..."
He stood in the center of them and shyly looked around, and a glass bottle filled with brown liquid was handed to him.
"You drank that when we first met. I assume you like it. My treat."
Sunghoon was glad Jake didn't ask further questions and hushed his two friends when they tried to. He didn't want to talk. He just wants to focus on how the Australian someone managed to remember the exact flavor and brand of coffee he drank at the gas station.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome."
A picture of the petite girl from before flashed in Sunghoon's mind once more before Jake gave him a small smile.
She looked rainbow.
—-
IF YOU READ THIS STORY THE FIRST TIME IT WAS UP DO NOT SPOIL THE TEA SURROUNDING THIS SITUATION FOR NEW READERS I AM BEGGING
- seth