"Never use people as a shield for your problems. It'll only further you from them and the problem you've yet to take on."-Anonymous
Sarah Hill
Oliver's yelling is now registering. He's calling me selfish because I don't show him enough attention.
"Oliver, you are acting immature and loud. Max is watching from upstairs. Can we go to my room and talk this out?" I ask with my voice croaking.
My face turns red, feeling humiliated. Oliver pulls his hair back roughly. He then pulls at his tee before nodding. I walk up to the front door and put the key through. I turn the knob and open it. Nobody is downstairs. Oliver closes the door. Max comes rushing down the stairs.
"Dad went to the bank then the library. He left me in charge," he says. His dinosaur button-up shirt and black shorts are his favorite. Max only wears it when he's left home alone.
"Why were you yelling at Sarah?" Max diverts his question to Oliver. He looks at me and back at Max.
"Nothing, we're just debating about what we should..get..you for your birthday," Oliver finishes. Max eyes him skeptically before smiling.
"I know. It's a hard choice but make up your mind," Max throws his hand to the side dramatically. We nod at him and head to my room. The argument continued right where we left it.
Only this time, we tried not to let Max overhear. "I'm immature? Sarah, I have been feeling insecure lately. It's about us. This relationship. I don't know if w-we will...make it through college being apart. You're so dependent on me that it's dragging us down. I won't be at your beck and call in college. We'll both have priorities. If you try and handle them, I'll go the rest of the way with you."
Oliver does have a point. I shouldn't get attached to having him help me with every problem that happens. I'm dragging him down. I'm a liability, problem, burden. That's what my rational brain is thinking. The un-rational side doesn't want this argument to end on a good note. All it wants is chaos.
Guess who won. The un-rational side. I put my hand on my hip and distance myself from Oliver. He eyes me up and down. His wrath from earlier has diminished.
"I can handle myself just fine, Oliver. Who do you think you are to tell me that I don't handle problems on my own? I survived fine with no parents and before I knew you! I'm a burden, I get it. I'm sick of myself too! If you want to break up then, why don't you just say that?" I ask accusingly. His confusion falters and, a gloomy look follows. I feel a teardrop on the ground between our two feet.
"Break up? Is that what you want? I just risked my job over some of your stupid enemies," Oliver's eyes well up with tears. He looks in the other direction from me. Damn it, way to go. I'm only hurting him.
"I don't know what I want, Oliver. No, I don't want to break up with you but if I'm too much then it's better that way. I want you to know that all I have done is listen to you. Your poems, talking," I bicker back.
"N-No, you haven't heard me. I just wanted to tell you how I have been feeling lately. Why are you doing that? You turn my words around. I want you to listen. Not just by having sex or when you need me. I need to hear you say that you love me because you barely give me attention or reassure me," A tear trickles down his face. Oliver's jaw is tight and clenched.
A heavy dread piles on top of me, one after the other. I made him cry. I made my boyfriend cry over my stupidity and lack of realization. The train of my thoughts break, Oliver's crying shakes his stance. Oliver wants to feel like this relationship is real. I haven't been showing him that.
Rather, I continue to demand it from him. We've never talked like this before. A hurtful conversation that leads one guilty and the other wounded. It's not foreign anymore. I guess you can say it is how we see ourselves as who we are. When someone points out how you truly act, it hurts.
"Oliver, babe," I beckon him. He does not move an inch. His standing position goes back. I don't care about the expectations of a man. They deserve love. They deserve affection. They deserve the need to cry. Oliver deserves everything.
I know regardless, he will say the same about me. We are made for each other. Not knowing what else to do, I take his head in my hand to have him look at me.
"I'm sorry for what I did and said, Oliver. I love you so much and, I'm not saying that just because of this situation. You mean a lot to me. Everything you do and every sacrifice. I know I'm a lot to handle but bear with me. Please," I place my other hand lower to where his scar is.
Oliver's red eyes leak more tears that drop on my hand and run down. It hurts me so much that I caused him to cry that I start crying. "I'm sorry that I get anxious and feel like having to call you or bluntly ignore your feelings and needs. I'm sorry that I am that spoiled rich girl people talk about and spread rumors. I'm sorry I got you hurt when it should have been me. I'm sorry that I went to that party with Juliet when I should have just said no. I'm sorry," I say with blurry vision, my body shakes, making me lean on Oliver. He puts an arm to hold me up. We both cry for each other. We're met with a comfortable silence of tears and sorrow.
"I'm sorry too. No guy should yell at a girl like that, especially their girlfriend. You know that I don't want to be someone you're scared to come to. I don't want to be like Jay or my step-father. I want to be your boyfriend and I lost control of myself doing that," he apologizes. I shush his next set of apologies. Hearing it once has already put a band-aid where my heart had torn.
"What happened at work? All of this couldn't have built up from nothing," I take my hand to rub his hair. My voice croaks every few seconds. Oliver leans into my touch and sighs.
"I flipped out on Summer and my boss told me I'm suspended a week to think about my actions with no pay," Oliver turns his head away. My eyes follow his. I drop my hand and pull Oliver close to me.
"You didn't have to. You shouldn't have to. Oliver, don't let it get you. I don't want them to include you in this. Who knows what will happen the next t-time. Your job is not worth risking," I speak haltingly.
My heart squeezes painfully remembering how Summer came to tell me the news. The way she acted was too friendly for that while. My ex-friends are becoming worse day by day. I don't know what to do anymore. Putting Juliet behind bars feels like a win and a loss.
"Never will be the next time. I told you nobody can hurt us because I've got us. Your father has you and so does your Mom. She just isn't okay yet. In time, I know you will have yourself, right?" Oliver puts his hand on top of my hair to smoothen it. I feel tears spring back up to my eyes. I blink them away. We pull back as I nod.
"Kiss me and don't hold back," I whisper to his ear. He looks me in the eyes. His eyes grow sensual, taking in my words.
The tears that were falling make way for another wave. My hand by his hair moves to his back. Oliver pulls me roughly against him. His head angles to capture my lips in the most desirous kiss I've ever had. I let him frantically drag his lips to feel each part of my mouth. His hands feel my back press me against him.
Our bodies are growing closer by the second. His heat and masculine sweat is making my senses flare. A moan comes out of me after Oliver sucks on a particular spot of my neck. I don't slow down or pay attention to anything else but Oliver. He takes an arm around my waist to keep me upright.
I'm melting from his need for me. I take my hand down his hair and trace his back. He parts his lips from my neck to breathe in something other than our arousal.
"Can we finish this another time, baby? I need you," Oliver asks breathlessly. Hearing how much Oliver wanted to feel love and not by just words hurt me. I've neglected him a lot in the past. I let him stand up for me when I should have. It made him feel like a man but also like a failure. He comes back to me because he considers it home. I need to let him know that home is where he belongs.
Aside from Oliver and me, it's my time to take control of the situation with Summer and Darcy. I will make sure this is the last time we have to do deal with their torment. Once and for all. Tonight, it's going down.