Being alone and surrounded by others. Being alone and still pushing away friendships. Being alone and being okay with it. Park Sunghoon.
Sunghoon never fit in. Sure he did on a surface level, but he always had the sinking feeling that he was different and would never quite be normal.
In eighth grade, he got his first friend group. They were fun, of course, always walking to the library a mile away after school together and drinking heavily caffeinated drinks that shouldn't have had access to. But Sunghoon always felt his feet get pushed onto the grass by the sidewalk and always had to find ways to bring himself back into their conversations since it didn't cone naturally. And they all stopped talking to him when he moved a few hours away. It was then when he decided that he wasn't really ever friends with them, more just someone that they liked to drag along to their social events.
His second friend group was his freshman year. At his new school. They only ever talked during classes and never hung out outside of school. Sunghoon really didn't consider them friends either, and he felt very alone those days. Always staring in awe at the large laughter coming from groups of people his age laughing in the mall food court, and always wishing it could be him.
However, over the break between freshman and sophomore year, he met Sunoo. He was nice and bubbly, and Sunghoon finally felt like he had an actual friend. But that changed a few years later. He started to feel off senior year. His only friend, the only person he talked to, was Sunoo. And Sunoo was extremely attached to him.
Sometimes he felt like Sunoo was everywhere, always holding so tight of a grip on him that he had a hard time breathing. He'd facetime him several times a day, and come over to his house whenever physically possible, and being highly introverted, it would leave Sunghoon so tired and drained that he'd fall asleep at the lunch table during school or so early that he couldn't finish his homework, And the feeling of safety that he gave his best friend was often not returned back to him either. Sunghoon had a had time opening up, and he was sensitive. Sunoo played too many jokes and he often took them too seriously, and he felt like Sunoo wouldn't care about the problems he had if he worked up the courage to tell him, or that he would be comforting at the moment, but crack a joke about the problem, later on, making him feel embarrassed and stupid for bringing it up in the first place.
He couldn't tell anyone about this either. His parents knew them to be the best of friends. Connected by the hip. And he didn't actually have anyone else he could tell. So often he was left alone with his thoughts of needing to break free from his own best friend. But he quickly learned that loneliness was beautiful, and it took meeting Sunoo to realize it.
He wished he could go back to the days when he didn't have someone calling him all the time, and he didn't have anyone asking to come over and have another sleepover. He had more time to himself then. He felt more independent and free. More himself.
That's why he slowly started to pick up Sunoo's calls less and less.
He felt free. But not as free as he could. He still wanted to break off from society and never talk to anyone ever again, and never have to deal with knowing that he'll probably die an old man who worked a nine-to-five job that he didn't like his entire life. But he was stuck. Completely stuck.
Thats why he was getting rid of things he didn't need. He didn't need ten shirts, he didn't need eight hoodies. He didn't need hundreds of books he didn't ever read. Because he didn't see the point in owning so many things when all it did was make him realize none of it was making him happy. None of it. He thought completing his collection of albums by his favorite band would somehow make the feeling of needing to break free from whatever life he was confined by. But it didn't. It actually made it worse. The more things he had, the more that he felt he was being tied down to a life he didn't want. But he should it want it, right? He's living well, his parents pay for all his needs, he has his own car, he owns all the maze runner books, he just graduated high school. He should feel like everything was going well, right? But no, the more "successful" he got, the more he felt like he just following the stream of people, sticking to the status quo. He wanted to leave everything behind and just live. Live without worries and live without confinement, somehow. But he felt it was impossible.
"You could just get a van or something and book it to the middle of nowhere."
"Jungwon, I'd love to. But seriously Sunoo would crumble into a pile of depression if I left him alone."
"Then... take him with you?"
"That would defy the whole point."
"You guys are best friends though."
"I know, I know. But I just..."
Sunghoon folded another hoodie he was getting rid of into a brown cardboard box beside him, then looked at the screen in front of him showing the boy he'd become friends recently.
"...don't vibe with him anymore. Like I do, don't get me wrong, I love him. But only on a surface level. Back when we first met we were so close, but ever since the whole mental awakening thing I feel like I'm not being seen by him, like he only wants to be friends with the outer parts of me and not the inner."
Sunghoon huffed and looked at the large pile of clothes. Why were there so many? Why did he ever need so many in the first place?
"I feel comfortable talking to him about memes or music, or about how much I want to marry that one dude from the pokemon movie, but I can't talk about the subconscious mind or how I think time isn't linear. I mean I could, He'd listen of course, but every time I've tried it was like I was talking to a wall. You know? We just aren't on the same level emotionally or intellectually anymore and it's driving me nuts."
Jungwon nodded through the phone screen and played with the dangling metal loop against his ear lobe.
"No, I totally understand. Honestly..." he said reassuringly "Like most people don't get the kind of things we like and just aren't on that level. I even feel that way with my Minju sometimes. She's still growing in a lot of ways, so I'll talk for hours about violence in the media or something like that and she won't say much."
Sunghoon inhaled from his nose. It felt nice to finally let his problems out and get a response that made him feel heard. Jungwon always did that. Within the first day of talking to each other (they had met at a birthday party someone from school invited him to) they'd called and talked all night about how they wished the world was a little nicer to people, and how screwed they thought social norms were, especially ones around gender expression.
Jungwon thought different. He thought like Sunghoon did. He had a mind of his own. One that wasn't fixated on other people's opinions or the most recent trend on social media. And for the first time in forever, Sunghoon had someone to really talk to.
Sure Sunoo understood his love of space and his theories of different dimensions. And he was suportive of his interest in things like past lives and the how the human brain worked and other "unique" things like that. But he never understood them. Jungwon did. Thats how the two were different.
And Sunghoon was so excited that he finally made a friend outside of school that wasn't Sunoo. He was buzzing with happiness. But it was soon replaced with annoyance when he mentioned the new said friend to him.
"So I was on call with Jungwon and he said-"
"Wait. Jungwon? Like Minju's boyfriend?"
"Yea."
"You call him?"
"Well yes, like every night actually."
"Oh so you're replacing me." Sunoo laughed, obviously joking. But Sunghoon could still hear the hint of seriousness behind it.
"No, no, no. I just- I can talk about spiritual things with him and-"
"We talk about spiritual and science things. We talked about your hippy crystal thingies just yesterday."
"I- yes we do. But like- he is a person who practices the things we talk about so it's like-"
"No, it's fine, I get it. Just leave me." Sunoo joked again.
Sunghoon then made an excuse to end the call. He was actually quite pissed off, which was getting more and more frequent the more Sunoo clung onto him. That's why he and Jungwon were talking now.
"God! He could have at least said 'wow nice job finally getting a friend other than the only one you've had for the past three years, nice you're not a fucking loser anymore' or something! But he just went straight into joking about how I was gonna leave him! He has plenty of other friends and I've never done that to him!"
"I think you just need a little break from him for a bit. How about we hang out this weekend?"
"He wants to come over then."
"Tell him you are busy. He'll live. You need to learn to say no to him sometimes."
"I'll think about it."
He probably wouldn't. He knew he'd end up letting Sunoo come over and scream and dance around his room, leaving him bored and yearning for him to be just a little more grounded and serious, or pay more attention to what he was feeling rather than some youtube video he thought was funny.
When he was with Sunoo was when he didn't like the beauty that he considered loneliness. He found it awful then. He thought it was suffocating. He felt like a little kid getting picked last for a game of kickball in gym. Abnormal and dumb. All he wanted was for someone to wrap their arms around him and tell him it was okay for him to be feeling the way he was feeling, that it was normal. He just wanted to be comforted like he was a small child. But that's not possible when you are legally an adult. Everything is so serious when you get older. You're suppose to suck it up, not be cradled in loving arms while you cried wrapping up in a fluffy blue blanket.
"Jungwon. I really appreciate you." He spoke randomly towards his phone, make the younger break out in a smile.
"I appreciate you too! Seriously, you are a lot nicer than most people are."
"I try."
He soon ended the call with the need to sleep. He hit the red decline button and his phone shown a red and blue with the picture on his home screen. It was a place he'd like to visit in America. His biggest dream, to see the red clay and dirt of Arizona. But it just wasn't quite in his reach. Above the picture was white letter and numbers showing the date and time.
11:11
Monday. April 19th
"Make a wish I guess." He mumbled as he plugged his device into the wall beside his bed, climbing underneath the covers.
"Maybe Sunoo will not call me fifty times while I'm trying to sleep."
He began to push two pillows between himself and the wall, then laid three blanket on top of the one he already had. He shimmied further underneath the warmth and pushed his back against the two pillows.
Just like someone was holding him.
Or at least what he thought that would feel like. He knew it wasn't the most accurate representation, but it made him feel less cold against the moon light the peaked in through the crack of the blinds on his window. He always liked the moon.
Maybe he'd meet the moon one day, instead of being plane old earth boy.
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Hi^^ This was up for a while then I deleted it. I don't remember what read count it was at but I don't think it really matters? It's back up now so hi hi if you are new. Hi if you aren't
- Seth