White Lies
chapter viii. healing
It was hard to put into words the emotions that you felt or the thoughts that came through your head after the tumultuous night where Taehyung finally exposed the truth that he had kept to himself.
There was grief over everything that you had lost—including all the lost time, your old friendship, and the bond that had long been broken. There was anger and despair over the treachery, the manipulation that was done to both of you, and the way people simply used you and Taehyung as pawns in their wicked games.
But among all of those conflicted feelings, there was also a feeling of relief that came over you the moment you had time to let everything sink in. Relief from knowing that there were no more secrets hidden between you. Relief for knowing that there was still a piece of thread in your bond left, even though small, and it was showing you that the possibility to mend what had been broken still existed and it gave you a new reason to hope.
But to say that you were able to savour those feelings and turn your life around right the next day would be too much too soon. Even with the truth finally coming to the surface, it had never been able to stop you from always staying on guard, constantly preparing yourself and anticipating for the shoe to finally drop and to see things suddenly falling apart once again.
It took a while, and it took a lot of effort before you finally managed to continue on living and moving forward without constantly looking over your shoulders, no longer living in worries as if there was still more obstacles for you to deal with and there would be someone else that might try to take away your second chance of happiness. Though you had to admit that you wouldn't have done it without Taehyung. Just like how you had promised to wait for him and be patient until the moment he could reach the point where he would be ready to take a step further, he had been just as tenacious in allowing you to grow and heal alongside him.
As time continued to pass, as the seasons changed from one to another, and both of you carried on with life, you soon realised that both of you continued to grow, changing together with time while the friendship bond between you that had once been fragile continued to strengthen itself as you were both healing from the remaining wounds of the past.
Once the truth was revealed and you began to understand the situation he was in, you also began to understand Taehyung a bit more. You learned to understand his reasons, and while you could never truly comprehend some of his actions in the past, you were far from putting all the blame on Taehyung for everything that had happened then. Meanwhile, ever since the night Taehyung confided in you and opened up to you, he began to open his eyes and admit to himself that it had been nothing but his fear and insecurities to blame for all the terrible decisions that he had once made, and he began to slowly forgive himself for everything that he had caused, all while earning your own forgiveness to allow both of you to heal at the same time.
Little by little, the invisible weight that you had almost always seen Taehyung carry with him began to chip apart and his confidence bloomed so beautifully that you almost believed you could see light coming from him whenever he was near. At the same time, you also felt the constricting pain inside your chest disappearing with time. It felt numb at first whenever you thought of the past, until the moment you realised that you felt nothing at all when you tried to look back, nothing but the longing for the good things to return and the hope for a chance to create new memories with him in the future.
You realised that the ghosts of the past would remain there, haunting in the shadows to remind either of you of the dark times when you had once lost each other. But you were taking all the baby steps needed to walk away from it with your head high, no longer giving them a chance to come in your way. And you were willing to try and look forward into the future, for as long as he would be there to do it together with you.
"Cheers!"
"Cheers!"
You had no idea how quickly time could come flashing by. It almost felt as if you merely blinked your eyes and here you were, sitting in the local pub with the small group of friends that you had managed to gain over the years you started living in London. Everyone raised their drinks—a mixture between large glasses of beer, a few glasses of cocktails, and one with a glass of wine—as they cheered to celebrate the event of the day.
Graduation day.
You had managed to graduate together with the rest of your class, and for some miracle that would only happen to a lucky person in the name of Kim Taehyung, he managed to catch up and was graduating on the same week, with his own graduation ceremony coming only a few days later after yours.
"Here we are, finally ready to tackle the world after spending too many years with textbooks, overnight assignments, long essays, and overly boring classes," your friend Gracie said as she sipped on her cocktail while you had placed yours down. You were on your second glass of the sugary cocktail that she had chosen for you, yet it had already felt too much for you to take for one night.
"Are you guys leaving back to your home country soon?" another friend of yours, Frankie, turned to look between you and Taehyung, who had joined the small party tonight and was sitting by your side with his glass of wine—the damn fancy pants.
"No, not exactly," you answered him as you turned to Taehyung to see him nodding his head and smiling, silently agreeing with you. "We might be staying for another year. We have a few plans and I still have that internship going on too. We haven't really been enjoying London to the fullest either while we were at school, so might as well take our time to relax and travel around before going home."
Everyone at the table started nodding collectively before they started questioning each other about their own plans, sharing where they were off to now that graduate school was over.
"Speaking of plans—" Gracie started as the talk about their future endeavours came to halt. "Do you guys have any plans this next weekend? I'm heading out to Brighton with my sister to see this art festival. Anyone is welcome to join if you're free. The more the merrier."
While a few people sitting at the table shared their interest to come and enjoy the fun, you exchanged looks with Taehyung who was quick to refuse the offer. "Sorry, you guys go and have fun. ______ and I already made our own plans this weekend to celebrate."
"Oh, I forgot about that. The lovebirds have planned to go on a weekend getaway, being all romantic and all that," Frankie teased from across the table, making your face burn. Taehyung had told you that he had asked a few of his friends to find any interesting places out of town where he could take you, but to no avail. In the end, it was Frankie, the adventurous one out of your group, who had given him the perfect idea for the getaway, even if the two of them had yet to spoil you about the plans, stating that Taehyung had some surprises for you as a celebration gift.
You didn't fail to notice how your friends had regarded you as 'the lovebirds', as most of the people who had come to know you and Taehyung since you moved here had always seen you as a couple and neither of you had ever considered to correct them. Even his friends had thought the same, hence why you would also join him whenever he was out with his friends the same way he had joined you and your gang tonight. To be honest, you couldn't say that you had minded it at all, since there really was no way for you to put a title in the relationship that you had with Taehyung.
"Oh, I'm so jealous. But you kids can have a lot of fun together," Gracie kept teasing you before the conversation continued to another topic, moving on to talk about anything else in general while your mind remained stuck in the cryptic plan Taehyung may have prepared for you.
"Are you still not telling me where we are off to?" you whispered to Taehyung sometime during the night while everyone else was busy pairing up, either to continue to talk as they finished their drinks or to leave the table and join the dancing crowd in the middle of the small pub.
Raising his glass of wine, Taehyung hid his grin but kept his eyes on you. There was a suspicious spark in his gaze, showing you how much he was enjoying himself for teasing and putting you on the edge. "I told you," he said, leaning closer to you once he placed his empty glass away. "This will be the only secret that I'm keeping from you for a long time, but I'm going to make sure that you won't regret it."
You hated to admit it, but you loved the way he said those words and how you could truly take in every single promise he made for you, when the assurance in his words was clear. There was not even a single doubt in mind as you listened to his promise, knowing well that he would always make sure to make it all come true. Pressing against his side, you couldn't resist looking up into his eyes, making him all flustered and nervous as you leaned up to act as if you were kissing his cheek as you whispered,
"Fine, I believe you. As long as you can give me the best weekend I could ever have."
With a grin, Taehyung pulled you to his side and chuckled. "Challenge accepted."
Later that weekend, Taehyung picked you up in the small city car that he had bought during the final year of his study and started driving far away from the city. More than two hours had passed and he still refused to tell you where he was taking you, though you had stopped asking him the moment you noticed how the air around you had seemed to change, how the temperature slowly dropped, and the sky above seemed to be getting clearer. You should have known that he would take you somewhere in the countryside when he mentioned something about this becoming a 'relaxing weekend', promising to make you feel completely at ease even before you reached the destination.
You must have fallen asleep at some point during the trip. Because the moment you woke up, the sight of the city was no more and all you kept seeing was a vast land of green and dense trees standing on either side of the road where the car was passing through.
Not too long after, the car strolled into a parking lot of an inn, located right between green valleys where vineyards and gardens of exotic flowers could be seen, along with nothing but a spread of greeneries surrounding the area.
A nice middle-aged lady at the receptionist welcomed you with a friendly smile when you arrived, and you felt at ease in her presence. As Taehyung gave her the information needed to check-in to the room that he had rented, your gaze drifted over to the open glass double doors overlooking the valleys located right behind the inn. The gorgeous view of the lush greenery left a certain calmness to your chest while the sight of the hills appearing in the distance reminded you of home.
It made you feel somewhat amused as you remembered just how far you were from home, and yet you never once felt out of place ever since Taehyung had come to join you. The sky today was cloudless blue, a wonderful change from the city where the sky almost looked like it was permanently painted in shades of grey, and you wondered if you would be able to see the stars in the night sky later.
You turned back to the receptionist to join Taehyung's conversation with the kind receptionist lady just as she introduced the inn and explained all the facilities and scheduled activities that had all been provided for the guests.
"...our restaurant and bakery are open at all times, but breakfast is served at seven in the morning, though we always prepare our tea and coffee as early as six in the am. We have fresh-baked croissants ready for you every morning, and our dinner menu will be sent to your rooms an hour before they are served."
You could have sworn that your stomach began to grumble in protest the moment croissants and snacks were mentioned, and you could use a glass of coffee at the moment with your body feeling a bit lethargic after the long drive. But then your attention perked up a little when she added—
"There is a hiking trail nearby where our guests usually go to Sunday morning which is open for visitors. No pets are allowed, however. And there are a few places nearby if you are looking for our local attractions. The art gallery is only five minutes walk from here and there is also the tour to the nearest cheese factory and our famous local brewery..."
A knowing smile came to your face just as you sneaked a glance at Taehyung, suddenly understanding the reason why he had chosen to take you to this place. You continued to talk with the kind receptionist lady until she handed you the key to the bedroom, and both you and Taehyung finally walked away while giving her words of gratitude.
"You can go straight to the room, I can get our bags."
You shook your head at him and stubbornly stood at his side before he walked out the front door. "Let me help you. My bag alone can weigh a ton."
Taehyung only chuckled as he let you follow him. Together, you systematically pulled out the bags that you had carried with you and he expertly set them together to make it easier for the two of you to carry them all together without making too many trips back and forth.
And when he suddenly pulled out an easel and a few pieces of empty canvases of all sizes from the trunk of the car, your heartbeat started racing uncontrollably inside your chest.
Taehyung grinned at you softly when he noticed you watching him set up his equipment and tools once you were back in the room, and then said, "I had plans of arranging this at my studio so I could do this properly, but I figured it would be best to paint you in a more comfortable space rather than the constricting room we have at my studio."
Over the times that you had shared with Taehyung after you encouraged him to draw you, he had taken you to the small studio he had set up in his apartment, where he showed you his art and the drafts of his works that had left you in complete awe. You had spent a lot of time with him there ever since, where he had mostly done sketches of you, made rough drawings of your face in various poses and expressions, but never once had he tried to make a full painting of you as he kept telling you that he wanted it to be something special.
As you sat back on the edge of the bed, watching him put everything aside while looking both nervous and excited at the same time, you finally realised that there was something more behind this weekend getaway than a simple celebration given by your best friend. And whatever that was about to happen this weekend may as well determine the course of your lives together and that nothing between you would remain the same once this weekend ended.
"It looks a bit more challenging than the one we have at home, doesn't it?"
With your hands on your hips, you looked up at the hiking trail not too far from the inn. It had been far too long since the last time you had gone out hiking properly the way you used to, and there was no doubt that the same could be said about Taehyung. But neither of you could resist it when the owner of the inn had let you know about this trail when the other guests had inquired it for this morning's outdoor activity. After the slow and lazy day you spent since you arrived, the thought of getting active and moving seemed too enticing to resist.
You had spent your first afternoon at the inn lounging at the pool after you were done freshening up, then Taehyung took you to have a walk around the inn, enjoying the beautiful garden before you sat down with him in the inn's cafe for dinner and the late nightcap. The rest of the evening had been so relaxing that you had ended up having the best sleep of your life, and the fact that you had to share the bed with Taehyung didn't even bother you for a second.
When you woke up this morning feeling completely energized, you had instantly agreed to come with Taehyung to find the hiking trail that had become the talk during breakfast. But as you were standing right at the starting point of the trail, you were beginning to question yourself if this was a good idea.
"It sure looks like it," Taehyung said, huffing slow breath after doing all the necessary warm-ups he needed before he could get started to hike up the hill. For someone who was out of practice, he somehow seemed eager to get on to it, and his energy was starting to rub on you to make you feel the same. "What? Are you worried if I'm going to beat you to the top? Or are you just nervous to find out that I've become faster?"
You rolled your eyes and scoffed. "As if," you responded, refusing to admit that you were feeling slightly apprehensive about this, while he merely chuckled. "Ready? How about I race you to the nearest peak and show you that I'm still good at this."
The sight of his amusement and a hint of mirth came dancing in his eyes for a moment before he finally gave out his hand for you to shake and said, "Oh, it's on."
Moments later, you found yourself racing against him up the trails. It had started easy for the first few meters off the landed ground before the slopes started to become a bit more tricky. The fresh air had given you the advantage of adding the extra boost of energy coming through your body in each inhale of breath, while the trickle of the nearest waterfall drew you in to help you to stay focused until you could find the trail leading to the peak. But you still couldn't deny the fact that you were beginning to slow down as you were reaching higher grounds.
You slowly came to a halt right when you reached a steep point in the trail, suddenly feeling the exhaustion weighing you down that you had to take a moment to breathe. With your body folded and your hands reaching down to your knees, you looked up only to catch the sight of Taehyung disappearing right ahead of you on the next turn. It was clear that he still had more energy and vigour that you no longer have as he kept pacing up the trail, leaving you behind to continue the race.
Silently admitting defeat, you couldn't help but smile as your mind wandered off to the past, back to the moment when both of you were still nothing but curious children and you were small enough to sneak away from the hiking trail to find an easier path up the hills behind your home so you could always beat him in the race. Seeing his disappearing back only showed you just how different everything was, though it didn't stop you from feeling petty when you realised that Taehyung, after many years had passed, was finally able to defeat you.
Just like he had promised you he would.
With slow, ragged breaths, you kept going, following the trail to catch up with Taehyung while keeping your pace as steady as you could so you wouldn't pass out where nobody would find you. You had expected to find him standing gloriously at the peak, celebrating his victory and gloating before he would start demanding his prize.
You were still wondering what he might be demanding from you for winning the bet when you walked past the next turn and immediately stopped on your tracks. Because right at that spot, still further away from the top that you had both determined to be your finish line, stood Taehyung, leaning against a tree as he waited for you to appear on the trail. He looked up as you came closer, smiling softly as he reached out to you, offering his hand to take.
Everything felt a bit fuzzy right then. You were almost in a dreamlike state as you took his hand, still reeling in shock at finding him waiting for you in the trail instead of having him rushing to claim his win—which he would have rightfully deserved, by the way. But any question that you were about to give him simply died on your tongue as he held your hand in a gentle grip and pushed against the tree. He said nothing to you as he smiled and turned away, still holding your hand as he continued to walk up the hiking trail. He kept his pace slow and steady the entire time as he took you with him, making his way to reach the finish line with you.
Together.
It took you to have a few hours of nap and a long soak in a hot bath before you could feel like a new person again after the challenging hike. Your muscles were still sore when you stepped out of the bathroom, but you were filled with new energy and anticipation when you found Taehyung in the room with his painting tools, getting ready to finally eternalise you through his painting.
For some reason, he had decided that it would be a good idea if you would keep things natural. No makeup or fancy clothes—even if you had packed a few choices of your favourite dresses for this special occasion. And yet he wanted none of that. Instead, he wanted this moment to be just between you and him, and the natural light coming from the afternoon sun that was coming through the window. And for some odd reason, not only had you decided to agree and follow along with his instruction, but you had also decided to pose in the silky robe that you had put on after coming out of the bath.
Your decision had surprised Taehyung for a moment, but he remained calm as he guided you to take a seat on the settee placed right in front of the window. He helped you find the most comfortable position that you could muster as you would need to pose for a long time. He had you lying on your side and facing him, with your hand laid over a cushion and the other laid resting on your hip. He studied your position for a moment, looking as if he was projecting the image he was seeing into his canvas, before he finally stepped back and returned to take his place on the other side of the easel.
Pulling out his phone, Taehyung played a soothing tune of music to fill the silence that was bound to build up once he got to work, while he figured it would help make you feel a bit more relaxed throughout the whole thing. "I hope this can help you loosen up a little. Hopefully, it can also help you focus and not change your position when you're bored," he said, placing the phone not too far away from you.
"What if I fall asleep?" you asked him once the soft tune of the music began to fill the room, and he simply smiled at you.
"I don't mind, just as long as you don't fall off your seat," he said, making you laugh.
The exchange of jokes helped lighten things up and you could see the tension on his shoulders slowly easing down. Though the moment he began to move his brush across the canvas and silence fell between you, the tension in the room seemed to pick up a notch and his furrowed brow gradually deepened.
"Are you still nervous around me, Taehyung?" you gently asked him when you caught him sighing deeply for the umpteenth time. "Does it make you nervous for doing this with me?"
Taehyung looked at you and gave you a wry smile. "Only for this. I just—it's just the fact that I don't want to fuck things up. I just want everything to be—"
"Perfect?" you teased him, already used to hearing him saying the exact same word whenever he would claim that he could be a perfectionist when it came to anything involving you and his art, making it even worse when he had to put the two together.
"Yeah—" he said, chuckling nervously and fidgeting in his seat for a moment before admitting, "I've waited a long time for this moment."
"Really?" Your breath was almost caught in your throat by his admission. But it was the flutter inside your chest that troubled you the most, and how your skin flushed under his eyes when he looked at you with his heated gaze. As he continued to move his brush, transferring every part of you that he had caught through his vision into his canvas, you couldn't stop yourself from wondering, "Was it different with—"
Taehyung instantly froze, and you almost regretted ever letting those words slip out of your mouth. You knew that it would be a terrible idea to bring up the past right when you were sharing something so important. And the regret grew deeper when you saw the same emotion reflected through his eyes when he looked at you. With a sigh, Taehyung spoke up while looking straight into your eyes, "It's completely different. It always has."
The intensity in his gaze made you feel uncomfortable, but it helped you realise how much he meant every word. At the same time, you felt your own humility coming forward, the shame for not only bringing up a painful past that you had vowed to move on from and also for comparing yourself to her.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—"
"It's okay, really. I would have been curious too," he said, smiling wryly. With a nod of his head as if he was convincing himself or perhaps giving himself a pep talk before he looked at you with more confidence in his eyes and said, "Let's try and see if I can control my heartbeat enough to stop my hands from shaking."