I stood in the front lawn of the party house, the world quiet to me as I focused on what was rushing through my head. Partly, Seren was the one rushing through it, but eventually my thoughts turned to ones of Henry.
More specifically, I was thinking more about the words that Holly had said to me. I thought of the person I was before Henry died, though frankly, that Zane wasn't much better than the Zane I was after he died.
The before Zane had been someone that knew no pain. No significant pain, anyway. I had never felt that world crushing grief, the heaviness that never lightens. I had been easy Zane then, but easy Zane... he was still an asshole.
I didn't see things the way I needed to see them, I didn't see people the way I should have seen them. I didn't see Holly, did I? Not in the sense I should have. I saw her as simple girl that I liked the fuck. I didn't see who she was as a person. I didn't see what was behind the blonde hair and the pretty face. If I had seen her before, I wouldn't have lead her on.
Or at least, I'd like to think so. I like to think I would have been able to do the right thing, but a part of me wondered how much seeing Seren's struggles had influenced my hopeful thinking.
Had I been the reason for an empty look in a girl's eyes? Had I been the guy who made her cry? Had I been the person to make another person feel worthless inside, thinking that I only wanted them for what was on the outside?
"Zane," Gavin's voice met me above the music that was leaking into the night air. "You good?"
I turned my head, just slightly to face the door. I wasn't surprised to see O and Cass right beside him. That was something I never needed to wonder about. The three of them would always be there for me, and I knew they would be there together.
"Yeah," I let out, though I knew by the concerned smiles on their faces that they didn't quite believe me. "Uh, you know I'm not really feeling this party tonight."
"Do I need to go beat up Holly?" Cassidy said quickly, bringing a genuine smile to my face. "What the hell did she say to you?"
I couldn't tell them what she really said, that she brought up Henry, because Cass might actually hit her.
"It's nothing serious, guys," I tried my best to reassure them. And, I wasn't quite lying. It wasn't that serious, but I wanted some time to figure out my thoughts.
"Are you sure?" O asked me, and they were all looking at me like they were worried about what my next actions would be.
"I'm sure," I smiled, "I just have some things to think about."
"Alright," Gavin shrugged, though he was still looking at me suspiciously. "You need us to come with you?"
"You guys enjoy the night," I flicked my head up as I said it, beginning to walk towards the sidewalk. "I love you guys, don't forget it."
The three of them watched me walk back towards Cassidy's house, and I wasn't shocked that they did. Ever since Henry died, all of us were on the alert for any off behaviour. Anything that would give us a clue that the nightmare would happen again.
I climbed into my car, which was still parked in Cassidy's driveway. Neither Gavin, Cass or O's families were as financially blessed as mine was, so we lived in different neighbourhoods. They all lived in the same suburb, the same one that Henry used to live in. Neither of us looked at that house when we drove by it, even though his parents had moved almost immediately after it happened.
There were too many memories there.
My parents lived in the same area that the kids of West Bridge lived, I'd known that for a while, they were hard to ignore with their fancy cars. Of course I realized I had more in common with them than my own friends, it didn't matter. The true relationships would never be there.
The lights in my house were off as I pulled into my driveway, which was unsurprising. My parents had a social life that was almost as lively as mine was. I still felt the same blue pit in my stomach as I walked through my house and into my basement, not even pausing in my living room before climbing into my bed.
I was exhausted- emotionally, mentally and physically. Though I originally wanted to try and sort my feelings out, to try and tame the mess of thoughts that were floating through mind like uncontrolled fishing line, getting tangled in the trees; the allure of sleep was just too irresistible.
I slipped into sleep in the same mysterious way we all do. One moment I was in my bed, the blankets creating a warmth around me, and the next- I was in a dream.
My feet were on something hard, and when I looked down, I knew where I was almost instantly. I knew further that I was in a dream, because I knew nothing could make me come here again in real life.
I looked up, trying to further grasp what I was doing here. It was one of the places that Henry had found, the cliffs that were so special to him. I could see the cliffs ahead of me, just through the trees. The sun was shining through them, but not a bright sun. A sun that was just about to set, casting a golden glow on everything around me.
Without meaning to, I began to walk towards the cliffs. It wasn't as painful as I knew it would be in real life. I knew in real life the memories of Henry would be all around me, causing a heartbreak I couldn't face. I couldn't feel that heartbreak now. I felt warm, like I was bathed in the air of a hot summer night. I walked towards the edge, my eyes focused on the way the sun was reflecting off it. I felt peaceful here.
"Zane," I wasn't surprised to hear his voice.
He was dead, I should be surprised.
There was no surprise, only peace.
"Hen," I replied quickly, turning around on my heel.
Henry was standing there. He was there, right in front of me. He was so close I could reach out and touch him. The smile that I remembered was on his face, the smile that he had lost. The smile that I had lost.
"You're here?" I asked, the emotion was rising in my voice, though it wasn't quite a sad emotion. It was a sorrowing joy. "I missed you."
Henry's smile didn't falter as he heard my words, but he let a deep sigh free from his mouth, the way he always used to. "I know you do."
"You left me, Hen," I shook my head. "Why did you leave? How could you do that to me, man?"
"It wasn't about you," Henry took a step closer to me. Though, he looked the same, he felt different. He felt older, wiser. Like I was a little kid, asking for advice from someone who knew the answers I needed to hear.
"It was, though," my voice sounded pained. "Why can't anyone see that it was about me?"
"No, Zane, it wasn't. You need to see that, you need to realize. Understand me please, it wasn't about you," Henry was speaking like he had known what I was about to say, and he had prepared his answer.
"But how is it not?" I asked him, desperation rising inside me. "You left me. You made the choice to leave me. You didn't have to do that, Henry. Don't you understand? I could have helped you."
"This is how it was supposed to be," Henry moved his eyes from my face, casting them over the setting sun. I titled my head as I looked at him, his face was serene as if he had no worries.
"I didn't want it to be like this," I told him.
"You have to forgive yourself," Henry breathed our, taking one last look at the water before his eyes drifted back to me. He searched my face, like he was looking for something. "You couldn't have changed it."
"You can't say that," I reminded him. He had no way of knowing.
"I can," Henry answered me. "You need to heal. You need to move on."
"How?" I demanded, anger sounding in my voice for the first time since I had been in this dream. "How can anyone expect me to move on?"
"You just have to look, Zane," he told me, gesturing back toward the water. "You have to search for the beauty, and you have to live in that beauty when you find it."
"It didn't help you," I said, as if I needed to remind him. He didn't seem hurt by my words, his face didn't change. "It didn't keep you here, this stupid fucking cliff or anywhere else."
"Maybe there wasn't any beauty left for me," he said quietly. "There's beauty left for you. You just have to see it."
"I miss you," I told him again, I could tell him a million times and he would never understand how much it was true.
"You know I loved you, right?" Henry asked me, causing my eyes to swell. "You were a brother to me, and the love I had for you will never change, it will never fade. Nothing has changed, Zane. I'm still here, you just can't see me. I'm only in the next room, waiting for you guys."
"You are?" I asked him, the tears spilling on my face.
"I am," he nodded. "So let me go."
"I don't want to," I said.
"You have to," Henry titled his head. His eyes blurred, he looked conflicted, before he spoke again. "You have to go now."
"Wait, Hen, don't leave," I took another step before him, but like things happen without making sense in a dream, he was already at the beginning of the trail.
"Zane," he said softly, "one more thing, I want you to listen."
I nodded, hanging on to each of his words like they were a lifeline.
"Don't let her fall, Zane."