"Shelby?"
Upon hearing Toni say her name, Shelby's last shred of hope that she hadn't figured it out crumbled. Shelby did the only thing she could think of. She turned around and ran.
Shelby darted through the forest–sometimes only narrowly missing the trees in her path–pushing herself to go faster, as if the faster she went, the more likely Toni would forget about what she'd just found out. Like if she could just reach a certain speed, time would go back, Toni wouldn't remember and everything would go back to how it had been. All the progress they had made wouldn't be thrown out of the window and everything would be able to continue like it had. They could continue to grow closer and become friends, maybe even something more. Instead, Toni was going to hate her, probably even more than before now that she had actually given her a valid reason to do so. Shelby was going to lose the one person with whom she felt safe and at peace, who had no expectations for her–not in those moments at least, when Toni had thought she was just a regular wolf.
Shelby was glad wolves were unable to cry, she didn't need to feel worse about herself than she already did. She had not wanted her to find out like this. Or at all. Toni was probably furious with her. And understandingly so. The things she had told her, in confidence. Shelby knew Toni didn't tell those things to just anyone–if anyone. She had broken Toni's trust, both as her wolf self and her human self. Toni had just barely begun to trust Shelby as a person and she had already broken it. Shelby had lied to her just by not disclosing the fact that she was the one Toni was telling all her private thoughts to. Shelby also had made no move to stop her from telling her her deepest, darkest secrets and past experiences. And she hadn't wanted to either, even though she had known Toni wouldn't have wanted Shelby to know about those things. She had been so interested in Toni. She still was. How could she not be? Toni was this incredibly passionate and fiery girl that had refused to let her guard down around her, snapping at her every chance she got, seemingly without reason. Shelby had just needed to know more.
She couldn't believe how stupid she had been by not figuring out what the eclipse was doing to her sooner. This whole mess could have been avoided if she had just paid attention to the goddamn signs.
She didn't want to think anymore, she could worry about everything later. Right now, as a wolf, Shelby wasn't going to be able to do anything about it anyway. She let herself pretend, just until the eclipse was over, that she hadn't just ruined everything. She decided to give in to her primal instincts. To let go. To stop thinking about anything other than the power given to her by the annular eclipse, allowing her to run even faster than usual. She turned her focus on her surroundings, on the trees, on the soft crunch of the snow beneath her paws as she ran, faster and faster.
***
Once the solar eclipse had passed and Shelby began to feel like she could turn back to her human form, she returned to the place in the woods close to the school where she'd left her clothes–or the ones that hadn't been ripped apart by the shift and the shreds of the ones that had. When she got there, there were no clothes to be found, even all the parts of her shredded ones were gone. Aside from her and Toni's tracks in the snow, it looked like she had never been there. All the traces that could've actually pointed to Shelby, were gone. Shelby didn't know if that had been Toni's intention or if she'd just taken them so she could throw them in the trash.
Shelby silently cursed Toni in her head. She was sure she deserved that and more, but how was she supposed to enter her house now? Shelby sighed. She was just going to have to hope that no one was home yet.
When she neared her house, trotting through her backyard, she heard some kind of commotion inside. Then she heard a male voice talking to someone on the phone.
Crap.
She couldn't go inside as a wolf and entering while naked was also not an option anymore. She looked around, quickly searching for a solution. Her options were either the tarp from the neighbors–which was about the size of a blanket–or holding one of the flowerpots with leafless plants in front of her body.
The tarp it was.
Shelby effortlessly jumped over the fence and took the small tarp between her jaws and jogged back to the forest. She shifted back to normal and quickly covered her body with the tarp. She put it around herself like she would a large towel and walked towards the backdoor of her house as swiftly as she could without tripping on the tarp. She had to kick the bottom out in front of her with each step as if it was one of her pageant dresses.
She took the key to the backdoor from under one of the flowerpots. She had left it there when she'd started seeing Toni as her wolf self.
Thinking about the brunette reminded her of what had happened a few hours ago. Had Toni gone back to school? Probably. She just hoped Toni would keep what she'd just found out to herself, even though Shelby had given her no reason to do so. She shouldn't be thinking about this right now, not when she was just about to face her father. If he caught onto her agitation he would suspect something was up, more than just an unexpected experience with an eclipse.
She unlocked the door and put the key back in its place under the flowerpot before going inside. The tiniest amount of fruitless hope she'd had for being able to sneak past her father to her room unnoticed, was squashed the second she set foot in the kitchen.
As he laid his eyes on her, he abruptly stopped talking, taking in her disheveled state. After a second he spoke again without taking his eyes off Shelby, "Thom, I'm going to have to call you back." He ended the call and put his phone away.
Shelby put on a smile. "Hi, Daddy–" she tried but was promptly cut off by her father.
"Do you want to explain to me why the principal called me to let me know that my daughter is absent from school?" He put his hands on the kitchen island between them.
She thought it was kind of obvious, with the state in which she was standing before him, wearing nothing but a frickin' tarp. "The eclipse. It made me shift."
"That doesn't mean you get to skip class, young lady." He said disapprovingly, as if she'd had a choice in the matter.
"I couldn't stop it. It was out of my control. I was lucky I was able to get outside before it completely took over." Shelby explained, trying to make him understand even though she was sure he already did, he was just choosing to be unreasonable for some reason she couldn't fathom.
Dave looked at her, staying silent for a moment. She could see the gears turning in his head. "Did anyone see you?"
"No. No one saw." She lied, as much for her sake as Toni's. She just hoped Toni hadn't told anyone yet. "I told the teacher I wasn't feeling well so he would let me leave class and it was in the middle of second period so the hallways were deserted."
"Are you certain?" Dave regarded her warily.
"Yes. I swear." Shelby was surprised at how strong and confident her voice sounded.
After a second longer of looking at her suspiciously, Dave let out a relieved laugh, "Thank the Lord that won't be a problem for long anymore."
Shelby swallowed audibly. "We don't know if it will actually work though, this time." She did not manage to keep her voice from wavering as she spoke.
Her father either didn't notice or decided to ignore it. He turned around to open the fridge as he spoke. "I have faith in this man. I've heard good things about him. I really think he's your best shot."
Shelby knew any more futile attempts at trying to change his mind would only aggravate him, so she just watched as he took one of his yogurts from the fridge, pulled off the lid, took a spoon out of the cabinet, and began eating it. After his second bite, he spoke again. "Also, change of plans. We're leaving this evening instead of tomorrow morning." Dave looked as excited as she'd ever seen him, as if they were going on an actual father-daughter trip and not to some remote church for a questionable treatment to yet again try to cure her. "We're having dinner early so we can leave right after."
"Why?" Shelby couldn't stop herself from asking.
Her father looked at her like he hadn't expected her to have the audacity to question him and not trust his decisions blindly. He didn't comment on it though, he actually just answered her question, albeit with a stern undertone. "So we can settle in before going to the church and get a good night's sleep. I want to be at the church at no later than nine o'clock. We don't know how long it'll take so I figured it'd be best to get the most out of the day as we could."
"Right." Shelby tightened her hold on the tarp. She tried her best to smile.
"How do you feel now that the eclipse is over? Back to normal?" He asked matter-of-factly, lacking any concern. It didn't surprise Shelby in the slightest. He hadn't shown any real concern for her actual wellbeing in a long time. Not since what had happened with Becca.
Shelby tried her best to swallow her anxiety for the time being and tried to sound as normal as she could. "Yes, pretty much."
"Alright then." Dave looked at his watch, "It's twelve-thirty. Best get back to school, there's no reason to miss your afternoon classes, too."
"Right." Shelby forced a smile, "Of course not."
Dave smiled around a mouthful of yogurt. "Hurry up, I'll drive you."
Shelby quickly made her way up the stairs to her room. After closing the door, she immediately dropped the tarp and hurriedly got dressed. She didn't want to make her father wait any longer than she had to. She put on a simple sweater and jeans, and, of course, a tight undershirt to make sure her scars were covered up at all times. She hoped Toni hadn't thrown away the clothes that hadn't been ripped apart. She'd really liked that sweater. She vaguely remembered dropping it somewhere along the way when she'd run through the forest before shifting. Maybe it was still there and she just hadn't searched for it.
***
Shelby entered the school's hallway. She walked through it at a brisk pace. Any minute now, the bell announcing that their lunch period was over would sound. She was on her way to Mr. Young's class to retrieve her bag and her coat. If they were still there at least. She didn't remember taking either of them with her to the bathroom so they had to be.
"Hey, Goodkind!" Rachel called. She was standing with Toni and Dot in the hallway. Toni was leaning with her back against the lockers.
Shelby instantly forgot about the things she needed to retrieve at the sight of the brunette.
"Hi, y'all!." Her nerves were making her Texan accent slightly more prominent than usual.
"Hey, Dude. Wasn't expecting you back so soon." Dot said, looking slightly confused.
Toni remained silent, regarding her. A slight frown was the only thing keeping her face from looking completely blank. Normally, Toni was such an open book with her emotions. Not this time though. Shelby couldn't read her face at all. There was no anger visible in her eyes. Or anything else really. It was like all her walls were back up. Or even more than ever before. Shelby had expected anger, fury. But not this. She had not expected her to be so uncharacteristically calm. It was incredibly unsettling.
Shelby forced herself to avert her eyes to Dot. "I wasn't feeling too good so I went for a walk, to get some of that good Minnesotan forest air, y'know." Shelby hoped it was a convincing lie as it was all she could come up with on the spot. It was a little too close to the truth for her liking but it would have to do.
"Looks like you've cooled down at least. You were burning up like crazy." Dot said, looking her up and down with concern as if she thought she was just pretending to be better and expected her to falter in the act any second now.
"Yeah, I'm all good now." Shelby gave them the brightest smile she could muster.
Dot didn't look convinced but dropped the subject just as the bell rang.
"Okay, then. Well, if you need anything, like to get you out of class or some shit, text me. I'll come get you." Dot said before starting to walk away,
"Yeah, what she said." Rachel said before following Dot.
Shelby forced out a "Thanks." as she started panicking. What had Toni told them? She hadn't said a word since Shelby had arrived. It only served to make Shelby more anxious. Of course, she had told them. What had Shelby expected? That Toni would just decide to do her a favor and keep her secret after lying to her for months? Shelby cursed herself for being so naive and stupid.
Rachel turned around. She continued to walk to her next class, backward. "You coming, T.?"
"Yeah, I just have to ask Shelby something about English." Toni said as she pushed herself off the locker she was leaning against.
"Aight. I'll see you in Phys Ed then." Rachel saluted her and turned back around and caught up with Dot.
Shelby was anxiously biting her lip while she waited for Rachel and Dot to disappear behind the corner before abruptly turning to look at the brunette who was standing a few feet away from her. "Did you tell them?"
"What?" Toni asked as her frown deepened from confusion.
Shelby looked around them for a second, to make sure no one was listening in. She stepped closer to Toni so they were barely inches apart and lowered her voice. "About me. Bein'...Y'know."
"A werewolf?" Toni didn't look afraid or disgusted, she just whispered it matter-of-factly. Shelby was glad she had at least gotten the hint to keep her voice down.
Shelby cringed at the word she still couldn't say, or even think. She hadn't said the word out loud since she'd become one. She wasn't even sure if she'd ever said it before. It hadn't exactly been on her father's list of things she could read books or watch movies about. "Yes, did you tell them?" She could hear the panic in her own voice.
"No, Shelby, I didn't." Disbelief flashed in Toni's eyes as if she couldn't believe that Shelby had actually thought she would tell on her. As if she could read Shelby's mind, she added, "Not them or anyone else. If I did tell someone, they'd just think I'm crazy."
Shelby closed her eyes and let out a relieved breath while trying to calm her racing heart.
Toni waited patiently for Shelby to open her eyes again before speaking. "Here."
She was holding out Shelby's bag and coat for her to take. It looked stuffed to the brim. It had to be her clothes. It looked like Toni had actually gathered them, put them in her backpack, and held onto it so she could return it to her. She could've just as easily discarded everything. Maybe there was still some hope left. Maybe she hadn't gone back to hating her. Yet.
Shelby hadn't noticed that she was holding it before. She had been too preoccupied with trying to figure out how Toni felt about her, looking at her to decipher her facial expression and her posture. Shelby only let her shock show for a millisecond. She tried to smile at her gratefully but she didn't know if it came out right because of her nerves. "Thank you, I–"
"We need to talk." Toni interrupted her.
Shelby let out a shaky breath. She had known this was coming. There was no escaping it. Toni at the very least deserved an explanation for what she had just witnessed. Shelby was both terrified and relieved at the prospect of telling another person–someone who wasn't going to try and cure her–about what had happened to her, about what she was. "Is right after school okay?"
Toni nodded once. With that, she turned around and left.
After watching her leave, Shelby opened her backpack and sure enough, her clothes were tucked in there. Toni had even made the effort to, kind of, fold them. Which was a surprise, not just because she'd made the effort, but also because she'd never seen the brunette fold any of her clothing in the time she'd known her, not even her PE clothes which she'd just shove into her locker or her backpack, making Shelby cringe at the thought of all the wrinkles it undoubtedly caused.
Shelby went to the rest of her classes. She couldn't tell what any of the lessons were about. She couldn't stop thinking about the impending talk with Toni. She thought over what she would say a million times. Imagined scenarios in which Toni ended up hating her or in which she forgave her and– That's where she had to stop herself. She didn't need to give herself hope for something that was most definitely not going to happen.
After PE, in the locker room, Shelby changed as fast as she could. She wanted to catch Toni before she left the locker room. They hadn't actually agreed on where to meet to have their talk.
Toni was standing by the door, looking at her expectantly. It actually seemed like she was waiting for her. Martha was nowhere to be seen and she was Toni's ride. That made everything easier for Shelby. Now she didn't have to try to get her alone.
Shelby quickly approached her and whispered, "I'll meet you in the forest behind your house." She didn't give Toni any time to respond–this was not the place for them to have their talk–as she left as swiftly as she'd approached her. It occurred to her that she could just give Toni a ride, but she didn't want people to see them leave together. It would somehow find a way to get back to her father and Shelby really didn't need that on top of everything else.
***
Shelby had parked her car down the street. She was currently pacing in the woods behind Toni's backyard with dread. The brunette wasn't home yet. Shelby, however, had practically raced here. She'd wanted to be here first, so she could think over the things was going to tell her. She'd decided to go with the truth and only the truth. Toni deserved no less. Though she might hold some things back. It had been a while, but there were still some things she wasn't ready to talk about. Not yet anyway. Though if she ever were to tell someone about all of it, she'd love for that someone to be Toni.
Almost fifteen minutes passed before she heard a car pull up to Toni's house. Shelby could make out the voices of two people. Toni's and Martha's. She made sure not to listen to the actual words they were saying. Shelby had invaded Toni's privacy enough already, she was just going to have to trust that she wasn't telling Martha about her. She was Toni's best friend, her sister. It would make perfect sense if she had confided in her. Shelby thought back to Toni telling her that she hadn't told anyone but it did very little to ease her mind.
Shelby continued pacing as she listened. A car door slammed shut and she heard the car–presumably Martha's–drive away. She heard footsteps on gravel approaching the house, a key gliding into a lock and turning, the front door opening and closing. There was the sound of a bag falling onto the floor and of footsteps walking from the front of the house to the back. The footsteps halted. Shelby stopped pacing to look at the house. Through the kitchen window, she could make out Toni staring right back at her. The second their eyes met, Toni disappeared from the window. Not five seconds later, the backdoor opened and Toni was making her way through the backyard towards where Shelby was standing between the trees.
They stood there, silently observing one another until, at last, one of them decided to speak.
"I should have known you'd want to talk here instead of at school or at a diner, like normal people." was the first thing the brunette said.
It was a dig Shelby knew she deserved. 'Like normal people' Toni probably didn't even mean it in the way it came across. It still stung nonetheless. "It's safer," Shelby explained, keeping her voice soft. She smiled nervously. "Less prying ears."
"Right." Toni put her hands in the pockets of her jacket. "So, you're a werewolf."
Shelby cringed before confirming. "Uhm, yes. I am."
Shelby didn't really know what to say so she figured letting Toni ask questions was a good start. She would do her best to answer all of them as truthfully as she could.
"What about the rest of your family? Are they also...?" Toni didn't say the word out loud. Like she'd picked up on how uncomfortable it made her.
Shelby shook her head. "No. Just me." Her heart was hammering in her chest. She hadn't talked about this in a long time and never really with someone she didn't completely distrust. Even at home, they didn't talk about it other than a treatment to turn her back to normal. The only time she'd really talked about this in debt was to someone who wanted to experiment on her rather than cure her, which had been the reason Dave had taken Shelby to her in the first place. Having this conversation with Toni, was very different from having it with someone who saw her as nothing more than a subject.
Toni nodded in understanding. "So you weren't born like this?"
"No, I wasn't." Shelby didn't elaborate. She wasn't quite ready to.
Toni continued, her eyes never leaving Shelby's. "How long have you been like this?"
Shelby had to avert her eyes so she could think about it for a second before answering. "Two years in June." Lord, had it really been so long already?
Toni nodded again, processing what Shelby'd just told her. After a moment, Toni asked another question. "How did you even know where I was?"
Shelby furrowed her brows in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"The first time we met." Toni elaborated, "During the blizzard."
"Oh, right." Shelby rubbed the back of her neck nervously, "I'd asked Martha how you were and when she told me you still hadn't come home, I went looking for you."
"Why the hell did you even do that?" Toni looked actually confused for the first time during this conversation–as if Shelby willingly helping her, saving her, was the most surprising thing and hardest to understand out of all of this. "We weren't exactly friends. Like at all."
Shelby couldn't help but look at her incredulously, "There was a frickin' blizzard, Toni. Just because we didn't exactly see eye to eye, doesn't mean I didn't care about you." She couldn't keep the incredulity from infiltrating her voice, "Thank God I did come. I don't want to think about what would have happened to you if I hadn't found you."
Toni shrugged. "Simple. I'd be dead."
She said it with such nonchalance. Shelby looked at her in disbelief. How could she say that so indifferently?
Before Shelby could comment on it, she noticed the gears beginning to turn in Toni's head as the brunette's demeanor changed from fairly calm, but tense, to agitated. Even anger was starting to make an appearance. Toni wasn't looking at Shelby anymore. In fact, she was looking anywhere but at Shelby.
Shelby was pretty sure she knew what was going on inside her mind.
"Fuck. All the shit I told you about." Toni looked somewhere between increasingly anxious and angry, and incredibly puzzled–or a mix of both–growing tenser with the second, "Why did you even come and listen to me? What were you gonna do? Tell everyone about the shit I've been through so they can fucking pity me, too?"
The fire was back in her eyes.
"I don't pity you, Toni." That wasn't at all why Shelby had come to listen to her–spend time with her–all those times. Toni was getting it all wrong. "And d'you really think I would do something like that? That I'd tell other people about those things?"
"I don't know, Shelby, you tell me! You're the one who pretended to be someone I could confide in while also borderline hating me." Toni nearly shouted at her and started pacing, clearly thinking of all the things she had told her about. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."
"I don't hate you, Toni," Shelby tried to interrupt her spiral as calmly as she could, though some urgency managed to infiltrate her voice. She needed her to know that. "I've told you that before."
Toni scoffed without looking at her. "Yeah, right."
"I never hated you, Toni." It wasn't a lie. It actually wasn't. She just wished Toni would see that. "Sure, maybe at first I didn't exactly like you, but I never carried any hate in my heart."
"But you did, though." Toni had stopped pacing and locked eyes with Shelby. "Especially whenever shit got a little too gay," Toni stepped closer to her, "you either abruptly looked away or fucking shuddered." She stopped only inches away from her, "I'm sorry, but that's hate. Least you could do is own it."
Shelby was stunned. She tried to find a way to explain what really went on in her head without outing herself. Toni's proximity was making it hard for her to think clearly, especially since she was already struggling to find the right words. It was hard to focus on anything other than the fire dancing in her eyes and to keep her own eyes from flickering to her lips. Shelby really needed to take a step back but she couldn't make herself. Mostly because she didn't want Toni to take it as confirmation. Or her silence, for that matter, so she quickly said the first thing she could bring herself to say. "I'm not, and you know it." Somehow, Shelby's voice didn't waver, surprising herself.
Toni, however, did waver as she quickly took a step back, as if only now realizing how close they were. She sighed. "No, Shelby, I don't."
Shelby briefly considered kissing her to prove her point, but she didn't actually have consent to do that, and, in some way–in the sense of consenting to Shelby knowing about the things she'd told her–she hadn't taken that into account way too much already with this girl. She could, instead, remind her of how she hadn't run away or shuddered or anything–aside from maybe stiffening and panicking a little–during her admission on Sunday, but she felt like it was probably not a good idea to remind her of that right now.
Shelby decided to try a different road. She had sworn to herself that she'd try to answer Toni's questions with honesty, so that was what she was going to do. "I'm not gonna lie, I used to be. It's hard not to have such beliefs when you're born into a family like mine." Shelby hugged herself to keep her hands from shaking. She had to avert her eyes to be able to continue talking about this. "But I'm not." Shelby shook her head as she said it. "Not anymore at least. I definitely used to share my family's beliefs, a lot of the things I've experienced seemed to only prove them right." Shelby's eyes glazed over as she thought about what she was saying. She wasn't just explaining this to Toni anymore. It was an admission, as much to Toni as to herself. "But I know now that is not the case. I've come to realize that a lot of things don't line up with what they claim to be right or wrong, and what my father claims to be 'cause and effect'. Some things are just coincidental."
Shelby hadn't really allowed herself to think about this in debt before. She didn't even know when she'd begun to question what she had been told–when she'd stopped blindly believing what her father had told her. She had somewhat strayed from what she actually wanted to tell Toni. She hoped she hadn't been too vague but she didn't think she could elaborate at the moment, it was starting to overwhelm her.
Shelby turned her eyes to Toni again. She looked kind of stunned, but most of the anger had dissipated, which urged Shelby to continue talking, looking Toni directly in the eyes as she did so. "And do you honestly think that if I were as homophobic as you claim I am, that I'd basically be, y'know, lyin' on your lap nearly every time we hung out here, or that I would've let you–Lord, this feels so weird to say–" Shelby chuckled awkwardly and closed her eyes briefly before continuing, "that I'd've let you frickin' pet me, for Christ's sake."
Toni's mouth opened and closed a few times before finally saying, "I, uhm, suppose not."
Toni frowned, looking kind of perplexed. Shelby decided to wait for her to speak again, to let her have a moment to process it all.
After a minute or two, Toni spoke again. "All the things I told you...All the times I ranted about you." Toni furrowed her brows. "Why did you never say anything? My words weren't exactly kind."
Shelby averted her eyes to look at the ground while she spoke. "I didn't want you to think any different from me."
Toni looked at her incredulously. "What? You didn't want me to think that you're not some stuck-up bigot?"
"No, I meant when I'm a wolf," Shelby quickly corrected her. She thought about it for a moment before continuing, "That, and I didn't know how you'd react. What was I even supposed to say? 'Hey Toni, how are you? By the way, that wolf you've been hangin' with and tellin' all your secrets to? Yeah, that's me. Yes, I turn into a wolf from time to time. Which is totally normal.'" She couldn't stop herself from making some exaggerated movements with her arms while she spoke, her voice drenched in sarcasm. She shook her head. "Even if you had believed me, you probably would have thought I was spyin' on you or somethin'. You just basically confirmed that so–" Shelby cut herself off with a sigh and briefly closed her eyes.
Before Toni could say anything, Shelby continued, "Be honest, would you still have come here to hang out with me if you knew?"
Shelby didn't need Toni to say anything to know the answer.
"I don't know." She answered. Toni sounded entirely honest. But Shelby knew the answer was actually a no, even if Toni herself didn't.
"Then why?" Toni asked after a beat of silence, "Why come here, and listen to me vent or watch me study or do whatever the hell else we did?"
Shelby thought about the answer for a second. She wanted to get it right. Her hand went to her neck to fiddle with her cross before remembering it wasn't there. The clasp had snapped during the shift, earlier today. It was still in her backpack with what was left of her clothes. Instead, she started fiddling with the hem of her sweater underneath the coat she wore open.
"At first, I guess it was because you wouldn't stop looking for me. It sounded like you were going to get yourself killed by searching these woods in these temperatures. And after, I don't know. I was curious I guess. You acted very different around me when I was a wolf. Compared to how you treated me at school." Shelby let her arms fall to her sides. "You were actually nice to be around. And, besides, you looked like you needed the outlet and the company." Shelby sighed. Without giving it much thought, she added, "It's freeing, being a wolf, but it can also be lonely. Or at least it used to be. During the times I hung out in the woods with you, I've been able to be free without having to be alone. It was nice to be around someone who didn't expect anything from me, at least not in those moments."
That seemed to make Toni think. After staying silent for a minute, Toni sighed and briefly buried her face in her hands.
Shelby would give anything to be able to know what the brunette was thinking right now. But she knew there was no way Toni was going to open up to her now, or ever again.
"Toni?" Shelby asked tentatively, interrupting the brunette's thought process.
Toni turned to look at her but stayed quiet. She looked at her expectantly, waiting for her to say something.
Shelby's heart started speeding up again. She didn't know how Toni would respond to what she was about to say. She couldn't bear it if she responded negatively–that she'd tell her that she already had or that she never had her so she couldn't lose her to begin with–but she needed to tell her. "I just-I really don't want to lose you."
Toni looked away before looking at Shelby again as she spoke, "I need some time. To think and stuff."
"Yeah, of course. I understand." Shelby heard her own voice break. She stopped fidgeting with the hem of her sweater. She was sure it was all stretched out by now. "Just please don't tell anyone. If my father finds out other people know..."
"I would never. Don't worry. I don't spread other people's personal shit." Toni said before turning around and walking away.
"Neither do I." Shelby sighed to herself.
With a lump in her throat, she watched the brunette walk away–knowing very well this could be the last time she'd be watching her go like this, from the edge of the forest back to her house–before returning to her car.
Once she was sitting in her car, she allowed her emotions to take over for a second. She hit the steering wheel one, two, three times; holding herself back enough so she wouldn't break it. She closed her eyes, willing the tears that were welling up not to spill over–they didn't listen. She let herself have a few minutes before making herself calm down. She flipped open the visor and looked in the little mirror. She wiped at her cheeks, cleaning herself up a little. She didn't need to look like a mess when she got home–her father most definitely would take it the wrong way.
As she was driving home, for the first time in a week, her mind wasn't overflowing with anxiety for the trip. Right now, she couldn't bring herself to care. All that mattered at the moment was that she was about to lose Toni. She very likely already had.
Shelby didn't know when she'd begun to care so much about the brunette. All she knew was that she did. So frickin' much. And she was going to do everything in her power not to lose her.