"Are you sure you don't want to come?" Derek asked while closing the trunk of the car after filling it with their baggage.
Toni stood in the doorway overlooking the small front yard. "Yeah."
"Okay." The woman in front of her sighed, "Well, if you need anything, please, don't hesitate to call us." Camille looked like she was contemplating doing something anomalous like hugging her or something, but at the last second seemed to think better of it.
"Sure, whatever." Toni listened to them say whatever they needed to ease their conscience, before they left.
Once they were gone, she put on some extra layers to make sure she wouldn't freeze and set off to meet the wolf.
When Toni arrived at the rock overhang, the wolf was already waiting for her, lying on top of it, looking fucking majestic.
***
"My foster parents just left for a week, to spend Christmas with family out of state." Toni started playing with the snow between her outstretched legs. Piling it up, smoothing it down. "They offered me to join them, but I refused. I don't want to impose. And I also don't really feel like meeting their extended family, only so I can feel like the fucking outsider I am. And besides, I don't really mind spending Christmas on my own, it can't be worse than some of my previous ones." She was drawing random shapes in the snow, to then smooth them over and start over. "At least Camille left me some pretty decent pre-prepared meals in the fridge that I just have to heat up, so it's already going to be better than most."
Even if she wanted to go with them, she knew their invitation wasn't genuine, there was no way they actually wanted for her to come along. She told the wolf as much.
A few weeks had gone by since they'd first met up without a blizzard making them cross paths. Ever since, the wolf had stood up Toni a total of three times. Probably because during the exams she had only been able to come sporadically and at random times. Toni made a mental note to meet up more regularly, at less random hours. So the wolf would know when to show up.
***
Just as Toni finished eating her Christmas Eve dinner she heard some kind of sound come from outside. It was pretty quiet so it was difficult to make out what it was, but if Toni didn't know any better she'd say it sounded like a howl. Convinced that her solitude was playing tricks on her, she stood up and put her dishes in the sink. The meal had been pretty good, which she'd expected because Camille was a pretty good cook. Better than Derek. They both cooked from time to time, but mainly Derek because his job allowed him to be home more often than his wife. Right before Toni turned on the faucet, she heard the sound again. It was louder this time and she was now certain it was not just her imagination. She turned off the faucet. She could do the dishes later. While she was putting on her jacket, she heard the soft howl for the third time. She hurriedly put on her shoes and went outside through the backdoor.
The dark evening sky was clear. Moonlight reflected off the snow. The wolf was standing where the woods met her foster home's backyard, waiting for her. The moonlight gave her fur a silvery shine and reflected off her icy blue eyes. For a second, it looked like they were glowing. She was absolutely gorgeous. Lethally gorgeous.
The corners of Toni's mouth immediately moved upwards at seeing the animal she'd become so familiar with. She went over to the wolf, stopping right at the edge of the forest, about ten feet from where the canine was standing.
The wolf didn't move away. She had let Toni get closer the past few weeks, though never close enough to touch her. The brunette had respected that part of the animal's boundaries. Though, tonight, the urge to touch her, to pet her, was stronger than ever before. Maybe it was because of those Christmas feels everyone was always going on about, like in those fucking Christmas movies where everyone was constantly cuddling. Toni had never understood the appeal. Until now.
Her stupidity decided to come to the surface once again as she carefully approached the wolf. The canine shifted her weight on her paws, looking rather uncomfortable with her closing in. Or maybe she was just contemplating whether or not to let her. She still hadn't taken a step back, which Toni took as a good sign as she slowly, but steadily, walked closer. She halted when she was only standing two feet away from her. Slowly, but cautiously she reached her hand out towards the wolf.
"Please, don't bite my hand off." Her voice came out as almost a whisper. Her hand was shaking a little as she nervously waited for the wolf's reaction. Being in such close proximity to the wolf, she noticed the sadness hidden in her eyes. It made Toni frown. Was it some kind of anthropomorphism or was the canine actually sad. And if so, what could possibly make such a magnificent creature look so dejected?
Like a dog, the wolf slowly lifted her head to sniff her hand in a tentative manner. Toni remained as motionless as she could, trying to still the trembling of her hand. The blue-eyed beauty was probably deciding whether or not Toni was worthy of the proximity. After a few seconds, the wolf finally did something. She pushed her forehead against the palm of her hand while closing her eyes. Toni almost couldn't believe the canine finally allowed her to touch her. Toni calmly crouched down in front of the wolf. She was still a little hesitant, afraid that one wrong movement would ruin all the progress they'd made. She brought up her other hand to stroke the wolf's neck, her fingers running through her clean, white fur. The whole occurrence filled her heart with so much warmth. It made her never want to stop petting her.
Toni didn't understand why Martha had been so scared for her to get close to the wolf. She was actually kinda cute from up close. Especially when she let her ruffle her fur. "You're not so scary, now, are you? In fact, you're actually fucking adorable."
The wolf frowned for just a second, before relaxing into Toni's touch again.
After what felt like half an hour but was probably just a few minutes, they moved so Toni could sit down against the trunk of one of the bigger trees, with the wolf's head in her lap.
Toni felt like this was her best Christmas Eve yet, aside from the one she'd spent at Martha's house, two years ago. They had invited her again last year and this year, too. But she had declined. She didn't want to bother them. She already felt like they'd done too much for her. They had often helped her when certain foster homes got a little too much. Toni already couldn't repay them. She didn't want to ask any more of them, only for them to eventually realize she wasn't worth it after all. She told the wolf about it, and, for some reason, disclosing that was a gateway to start talking about her experience in the foster system.
Being forced to talk about it with the therapist her current foster parents had made her go to, about two months after being placed with them, had made her so fucking uncomfortable that they'd stopped making her attend after three sessions of mostly silence and adamant discomfort on her part. But somehow, here, talking to the wolf, about the exact same subject, she felt completely at ease.
"This one time, one of my previous foster parents chose my arm over the ashtray, because his wife had pissed him off." Toni said as she stroked the wolf's head. "I was like eight at the time. I think I still have a scar from that." Toni shrugged her arms out of her jacket and rolled up the sleeves of her sweater to search her forearms. She was unbothered by the cold, probably because of the warmth radiating from the wolf. "Yeah, right here." Toni trailed over the mostly faded scar with her index finger on her left inner forearm, close to the inside of her elbow. The little circle was barely a few shades darker than her skin.
The wolf lifted her head from her lap to actually take a look at where her finger was tracing the small scar. Her ears were flattened and she made a quiet whiny sound.
She told the canine about the time one of her teachers in middle school had noticed her bruised stomach and had reported it, which had resulted in her being moved to a different settlement. She'd been kicked by the same foster mom that had used a belt on her back only two weeks prior, because Toni had had a violent outburst at school.
"I couldn't sleep on my back for three days straight." Burying her hands in the wolf's thick fur grounded Toni while her eyes were seeing the past instead of the moonlit forest.
Those two foster homes had been the worst in the sense of physical abuse. The others were mostly neglectful. At one foster home the two biological children got three meals a day while the foster kids got two, if they were lucky. Fortunately, she'd been relocated fairly quickly due to them not being able to handle her temper.
A lot of the more decent foster parents were fine with her as long as her presence didn't show too much in their bills. Then they'd ship her off to the next one.
Toni stroked her hands along the wolf's spine, running her fingers through her silvery-white fur, when she was telling the wolf about her current foster family. "It's not as bad as some of my previous ones. Not by a long shot." Toni frowned. "Now that I think about it, it's probably the best settlement I've ever been placed in." She admitted. "Though I'm pretty sure they're mostly in it for the money, but whatever. They're not abusive or alcoholic. There are no other annoying, unhinged foster kids. They travel a lot for their job so they're not around that much. But they always make sure I'm well supplied for the time they're absent. When they're here, though, they pretty much leave me alone, as long as I don't cause any trouble, which is fine by me. It's also the best room I've ever had, so kudos to that. It's in the attic and it's actually fucking cool." Somewhere along the lines her voice had become more lively. "I'd show you, but y'know, I don't want anything in the house to get damaged or anything."
The wolf elevated her head from Toni's lap to look her in the eye, while seemingly lifting an eyebrow.
"Not that I think you're clumsy or anything." Toni quickly added, hoping she hadn't offended the canine again.
The animal huffed before laying her head back down on the brunette's thighs. Toni went back to running her fingers through her soft fur as she resumed talking. "If you were human you'd probably think 'What awful parental figures abandon the kid they're supposed to be caring for on Christmas?'"
The wolf shifted so part of her was laying on her lap while still being able to look her in the eye while she listened. Which was kinda weird since Toni remembered reading somewhere that canines hate eye contact and usually see it as a sign of aggression. Ignoring the intrusive thought in the back of her mind, she continued. "Well, like I told you, it's not like they just left... . They asked if I wanted to come along, but you could see they didn't really want me to. They just asked so they didn't have to feel guilty for abandoning me for Christmas. I didn't really wanna go anyway. So it really doesn't matter." At least, that's what she told herself. "Though, it would have been nice to go somewhere for the holidays, like an island or something. I'll have you know I've never left the fucking state."
The look in the wolf's eyes was one akin to sadness, but also confusion.
If the animal actually understood what she was saying, which was very unlikely, then she would probably be confused as to why she thought her foster parents were, like, evil or something, so she decided to elaborate, more for her own sake than the wolf's. She took a deep breath before confessing, "Why won't I let myself believe they're actually decent? Because I'm scared." Toni's voice broke, "I'm scared that once I do, their true colors will finally show. If I let my guard down, if I let myself care, I am just setting myself up for disappointment."
She'd never actually said that out loud. Well, most of what she'd said tonight were things she'd never voiced or even actively let herself think about. And it was fucking relieving to finally tell someone about what she'd been through, about what usually piled up in her head, making her a short fuse to the outside world. There was still so much she hadn't covered but she already felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her chest and she could finally properly breathe for the first time in years.
Toni hadn't noticed she was crying until the wolf lifted her head to softly lick the tears from her cheeks. Without thinking she threw her arms around the wolf's neck, crushing her in a hug. At first, the wolf stiffened, which made Toni realize that she'd just seized a wild animal, to whom it would probably seem like a fucking attack or something.
Before she could retract her arms, the wolf laid her head on her shoulder and relaxed into the embrace.
Or not.
Toni in turn let go of the tension in her own body and buried her hands deeper in the thick, silvery-white fur.
Over winter break, Toni discovered just how easy it was to open up to the wolf, to talk to her, to vent. Probably because the animal most definitely didn't understand a word of what she was saying. But still, she was a listening ear nonetheless. It didn't really matter if she understood the words or not, she at the very least could tell to some extent how Toni was feeling and would react accordingly. If Toni was sad she would let her cuddle her, if she was in a good mood, the creature would wag her tail and move around enthusiastically. Toni was actually glad she couldn't understand the depths of her words. Though, at certain times it kind of felt like she actually did, which was slightly unnerving. But still, it felt good to talk to someone instead of letting it all bottle up.
Ever since Christmas Eve, they'd started hanging out in the part of the woods close to her foster home instead of at the rock overhang. It was on the wolf's insistence, really. She now always showed up early, on the edge of the forest where it met the backyard, awaiting Toni.
It's not like she always dived into the heavy shit. More often than not, she talked about lighter things. About the things she loved, like basketball. One day, for some reason, she'd decided to explain the whole sport to the wolf. She was kinda glad the wolf couldn't understand a word of what she had said, because otherwise she probably would have bored the poor animal to death by diving into all its technicalities.
***
"So, Toni, how was your winter break?" Fatin asked inquisitively through narrowed eyes.
"Pretty uneventful." Toni mumbled before taking a bite from her sandwich.
"Really?" Fatin made a point of really dragging out the word.
"Yeah, why?" Toni frowned. What the hell was her problem?
It was only Monday and she already missed the dramaless serenity of the break. Oh well, she had enjoyed it while it had lasted. At least she knew she could get back to it for a few hours after school.
"No reason. It's just that you were pretty MIA for most, well, pretty much all of winter break." Fatin looked at her expectantly, clearly waiting for an explanation.
When Toni went to meet the wolf she would always make sure to turn her phone off in case someone decided to call her. She didn't know if her ringtone would scare off the wolf or not. Better safe than sorry. Because of that she might have missed a few dozen calls over break. A few from Martha, whom she had called back the second she'd gotten inside. Some were from Camille, asking her how she was doing, which she'd also returned a few from, out of courtesy more than anything else. Toni didn't understand why the woman had bothered. But most of the missed calls were from Fatin trying to, unsuccessfully, arrange a party at her house because she had somehow found out that her foster parents were absent. The cellist had left her a dozen voicemails telling her that, so Toni hadn't felt the need to respond to any of them. Her answer would have been 'no' regardless, which Fatin should have known in the first place.
Toni rolled her eyes, but before she could respond Martha jumped in, "She probably spent all that time with the wolf."
"Wolf? As in..." Rachel inquired incredulously.
Dot regarded Toni warily as she arrived late to their lunch table, only having heard Rachel. "Wait, you're not still searching for it, right?"
Toni glared at Martha for bringing it up, before facing the others. "No, uhm, I'm not looking for her anymore, because a few weeks before winter break I, uhm, found her." and quickly mumbled as an afterthought, "We've been hanging out pretty regularly since."
Dot closed her eyes in exasperation. "Jesus fucking Christ."
Toni rolled her eyes. "Don't even start."
"And here I thought you were finally over Regan and had a holiday fling." Fatin said disappointedly. She didn't give the brunette time to react because she immediately followed her statement with a question. "So what's her name? The wolf, I mean. Not your non-existent amour."
"I don't know." Toni shrugged. For the first time since the break up she wasn't really bothered by the mention of her ex, which surprised her. Ever since she'd started opening up to the wolf she'd felt this calmth settle in her mind.
Everyone looked at her like they couldn't believe what she'd just said. Well, actually just Martha and Fatin, but with their intensity it felt like everyone.
Toni frowned, and spoke with her mouth full. "What?"
"You haven't named her yet?" Martha asked her with wide, incredulous eyes.
Toni furrowed her eyebrows, confused what all the fuss was about. "Uhm...No?"
Martha gasped dramatically.
"You've been 'friendly' with this beast for how long now? A month? And you still haven't given it a name. Toni Shalifoe, I'm appalled." Fatin clutched her heart in mock offence.
"Oooh, we could help you name her!" Martha exclaimed excitedly, nearly bouncing in her seat
Toni rolled her eyes again. "Fine. Whatever." She figured it would be best to just let Martha get it out of her system, or she'd never shut up about it.
"Do you have a picture of her?" Her best friend asked enthusiastically.
"Nope." Toni had tried to take one, but as soon as she'd taken out her phone and held it up, the wolf had darted away.
"It's completely white, right?" Leah stirred impassively in her dairy-free yoghurt.
Toni nodded. "Yep, with blue eyes"
"Really? That's weird." Nora frowned as she looked up from her lunch.
"Why?" Toni felt offended for some reason. There was nothing weird or wrong with the wolf. Nora didn't know what the fuck she was talking about.
"No, it's just that they're usually born with blue eyes that change over time and become yellow." Nora informed them, oblivious to Toni's indignation. "Unless your wolf is still relatively young?"
Toni shook her head. "Nah, she's definitely not a pup anymore."
"Looks like we have a rare specimen." Fatin wiggled with her eyebrows.
"Maybe it's an albino." Rachel tried, while looking uninterested in the topic of the conversation.
"No, then its eyes would be red." Nora with a half smile, while looking at the table, avoiding eye contact while she spoke.
Rachel rolled her eyes, annoyed at being corrected by her sister. "Whatever."
"Is it old?" Dot inquired before taking a huge bite from her burrito.
"How the hell am I supposed to know that?" Toni leant back in her seat.
"Does it look battered and tired, about to lay down and never wake up?" Fatin inquired insensitively, as if she was asking about something as trivial as the weather.
"What!? No." Toni's eyes widened, horrified. "She looks very healthy, like she has a very, very long life ahead of her."
Fatin held her hands up in defense, her eyes wide with exasperation. "Alright. No need to get all defensive on me. It was just a question."
"What about Ghost, like the white dire wolf in Game of Thrones," Rachel suggested.
"Yeah, but Nymeria sounds way cooler, and suits it more since Toni claims it's female." Dot countered.
"Or you could name her something cute! Like Fluffy, or Frosty, or Misty, or-" Martha summed up animatedly.
Thankfully, Leah cut in, "Aren't wolves like majestic or something? You can't just give her a lap dog name."
Toni was sure that if Leah hadn't interrupted Martha, she'd have gone on for ages. Martha had five dogs at the moment. Every time she adopted a new one, she absolutely loved naming them.
"Yes, exactly. It would be insulting." Shelby spoke for the first time since they'd broached the subject of the wolf. She had looked increasingly appalled the longer the conversation went on. Toni wondered what her problem was. Shelby had actually cringed at Martha's suggestions, which, to be fair, was completely understandable.
"What about Lady, like in the movie Lady and the Tramp?" Martha asked, unperturbed by the interruption.
If Toni wasn't so annoyed by the whole ordeal, she would have smiled at her best friend's enthusiasm.
"Again, a lap dog." Leah dismissed Martha.
"But she's cute though." Martha tried in vain.
"The movie is a classic." Leah admitted with a small smile.
"What's the name of the mother wolf in The Jungle Book? They're pretty similar." Martha went on.
Toni finished chewing on the last bite of her sandwich and took a swig of her water bottle. "How so?"
"They both took care of a pestilent human child." Fatin smirked as she crossed her legs.
Toni shot the cellist a withering glare. "Fuck. You."
"Love you, too." Fatin blew her an air kiss.
"I'm gonna look it up." Martha took out her phone, her eyebrows creased in concentration.
Toni was starting to feel like everyone was ganging up on her with this whole 'name' thing.
Nora looked up and put forward, "What about Lupus?"
"Why? That doesn't really sound very feminine, or like a nice name for that matter." Fatin objected with a repulsed frown.
"It's the Latin term for wolf." Nora informed them. "Well, fully, it's actually Canis Lupus."
"You met her in a blizzard, right?" Dot asked, turning to Toni, "So how about-"
"Raksha!"
Martha's sudden outburst made Toni almost fall out of her seat.
"Dude. You can't just do that." Rachel was clutching her heart.
Toni glanced at Martha. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
"The mother wolf from Jungle Book. Her name is Raksha." Martha enthusiastically showed them her phone. A picture of the live action remake was displayed on the screen. "Look. She's white, too."
"The animated version is better." Nora stated dryly.
"All of them, period." Leah went from looking mildly interested in the conversation to sounding ready to fight anyone who disagreed with her.
"Yeah, these remakes never quite manage to pull it off." Dot agreed, nodding.
"Did you see the Lion King one?" Leah shook her head. "So much of the original went lost in that."
"Guys, we're straying from the subject here." Martha complained.
Fatin hummed to back her up while snaking an arm around Leah. Amusement was adamant on her face as she looked at the basketball player.
Toni found that she had let this go on for long enough. "Would you look at the time," She made a point of looking at her wrist, somehow forgetting that she didn't own a watch, but went with it anyway. "I should get to class. Thanks for the suggestions."
"There's still ten minutes left of lunch break." Rachel deadpanned.
Toni racked her brain for a viable excuse. "Yeah, but I, uh... have a test."
Dot shot up right from her slouched position. "No, you don't. We're in the same class. Or did I sleep through another announcement or something?"
"Yeah, totally." Toni lied. Feeling only a little guilty about the unnecessary stress she was causing Dot.
"Right." Fatin looked at her disbelievingly. "Still, you're never early."
"Is it wrong to be on time?" Toni asked while getting up from her seat.
Fatin frowned. "Yes, when it's you it is. You're like the least punctual person I know."
"It's never too late to change." Toni said as she made her escape.
"There's no escaping this, Shalifoe!" She heard Fatin yell from behind her, clearly amused by her aversion for the whole ordeal. Without looking back, Toni flipped her off.
***
Martha and Fatin fell in line with her when she was making her way to her locker after eighth period. They were both walking so close to her that she nearly felt like she was being sandwiched.
Fatin looped her arm through Toni's. "Okay, so, our top 5 at the moment is Blizzard, for obvious reasons; Fluffy, on Martha's insistence; Nymeria-"
Oh, fuck no. Here we go again.
Toni was starting to run out of patience. "You're still on that?" She tried to get her arm free from Fatin's, but she wouldn't budge.
Martha looked at her as if she'd grown a third head or some shit. "Of course we are. Someone has to take responsibility if you're not going to."
"Why are you fighting this, anyway?" Fatin looked confused and only slightly amused.
"I don't know." Toni didn't feel like diving into her abandonment issues with them, so she didn't elaborate.
Ultimately naming an animal would mean nothing for the animal themselves, but it did change the way you regard them. Once you name an animal, they become an individual, a person. It makes you care.
In the end, you're just setting yourself up to get hurt.